AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

I had an emergency c-section and then an elected. They were both brilliant experiences with very easy straightforward recoveries. Painkillers eliminated all pain, and I took them for less than a week. I was able to walk very quickly, next day, able to pick up my baby.

Tbh I had a much more straightforward recovery than many women with vaginal births. Went to visit a friend with a natural birth and saw her wincing in pain and sitting on cushions. No agonising piles with a vaginal birth. No exhaustion after birth, like some mums meaning they had nothing left in them to cuddle or bond with baby. No birth trauma like some women have. No tearing. I know people unable to feel any sensitivity in their vulvas for many, many months after birth. I also know many women who had such terrible natural birth experiences that they say they would have elected a section if they knew what it would have been like, and did opt for a section for subsequent children.

I also breast fed both of mine within 12 hours of birth.

loved my sections.

She's all worried about her fou fou being not as tight afterwards. In the end it's her choice. Docs like ceserians. They can fit their busy days around them. I'd hate to pick a date and decide that was going to be my kids birthday though.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

This is what we are trying to get through to her....a c section isn't the easy option. It may seem it now but the recovery from it will be hard for her.

Actually my c-section recovery wasn’t hard on me. It was easy as compared with a VB.

YABU to think it’s any of your business, and YABU to think a section recovery is necessarily any harder than from a VB. it just depends.

Why are you confused about why someone would be scared of tearing? Aren’t most women?

How will you feel if you persuade her to have a VB Because it’s “easier” and she ends up with a bad fourth degree tear and faecally incontinent?

I had a section recently and was home after 24 hours so don’t worry on that account.

Everyone's different; you have no idea who she'll recover. Just none. I had a forceps delivery with my first. Had no problem at all whatsoever with recovery, yet I know others who have had no end of trouble and have had to have multiple corrective surgeries to repair damaged. I had a second birth with no pain relief at all and got a graze and a pile that hurt far worse than my forceps birth. Then another natural birth that ended with ventouse and more stitches, no problem recovering. Every one of these births were different.

If you really want the best for your sister, you will respect her choices and decision, STFU about your opinion, and be supportive.

It’s absolutely none of your business, how dare you?

I agree with her body her choice. I found a c section far far easier to recover from than a vb which left me in a great deal of pain and with complications for months afterwards. My c section required paracetamol and ibuprofen for a few days and that was it. Women's bodies may be "made" to have children but it is a thoroughly flawed process and it's only thanks to medical advancements that have made it a lot safer in this country. Don't forget 8 women die a day in childbirth globally and it used to be a hell of a lot more, which is something that is conveniently left out when women are told they should be able to breathe out their baby with ease while visualising a rainbow. Personally I think she's making a sensible choice.

I loved my elective section that I chose for my reasons. Nothing to do with anyone else

I think it's really her choice. Why is it better to have natural birth if she doesn't want to? I wanted it but didn't, ended up in emergency c-section. I wish I opted for it in the first place. And recovery was not bad at all.

I had a 'normal' birth but split badly. Stitches ripped and could sit down or poo without pain for 6 weeks. Second child, had a C section. Not pain free but walking and sitting ok within 2 weeks and no loo problems. I know I would have the C section every time. Let your sister decide.

I tore horrifically with DSs 1 and 2; C section with DD was a piece of piss, and I'm
not especially hardy. Did the food shop 48 hrs later.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

How is major abdominal surgery better and safer than something a woman's body is actually made to do?

It’s routine surgery. Yes it has some risks but so does VB. and the risk profile of a caesarean being more acceptable to her is perfectly reasonable decision - and one which many obstetricians make for themselves.

Sorry but even if it were your business your understanding of methods of giving birth and their relative risks is very simplistic.

She's not a baby. She's an adult. She's allowed to make her own decisions. Let her grow up.

YABU I had c section and recovered quickly. It's her birth and her choice. Rather than try and change what she wants why don't you just support her?

Op everything about your post is horrible and the more you post the worse you sound

I concur wholeheartedly. You’re being overbearing and that’s me being generous. It’s not your decision. Her midwife/ medical team will advise her and if she still wishes to go ahead with the section you need to keep your nose out.

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd It's major abdominal surgery!! Surely you need a valid reason other than not just fancying a vaginal birth?!

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

No bullying involved at all, we are just trying to get her to see both sides of the situation. Shes my baby sister and I'm sorry but I dont want to see her suffering through weeks of unnecessary recovery if she can have a natural birth

You sound horribly bossy, have you always been like this, just because she is younger? Maybe have a think and take a step back. There are no "weeks of suffering" from a planned C section, I had one at 40 and it was fantastic, no pain at any point, no infections and I coped fine, managed to carry me plus baby up and down stairs to get home by day three (they wouldn't let me out any earlier). For a younger woman recovery would be even quicker, and it avoids the potentially horrific birth injuries that can occur to women (quite apart from the risks to the baby if anything goes wrong during a "natural" labour), the tears, the stitches, the incontinence, the loss of sexual function, vaginal prolapse - is this something you would prefer your sister to face instead?

Yabu a thousand times over.
I've had both and for me a c section was the easy option of the two. I had a very quick and straightforward recovery. Maybe I was lucky I thst regard but either way it's none of your business.

Ha she considered an epidural? I didn't feel a damn thing once that needle was in!

If you ask the opinion of most doctors, they will say a C section is far safer for mother and baby. I had a ‘natural’ delivery with my first which was utterly horrific. I then had an elective caesarean with my second and it was far better.

But if you force her to change her mind and something bad happens
4th degree tear or something
She will blame you
And your relationship will be forever broken

Just leave her be

If your sister is reading this then I wish her all the luck in the world :)

It’s her choice.

For what it’s worth, they were the reasons for my first elective section. I’ve had three now.

Two of my recoveries were fantastic, I was driving after two weeks and after three days I was off pain killers and fine.

The last one three weeks ago is a different story (however I an old and fat this time which isn’t helping), but then the lady in the next bed to me In hospital had a vaginal birth and was still in hospital two weeks later with complications and having to have reconstructive surgery on her vagina. So you can never tell which the ‘easiest’ option will be.

Oh and ANYONE who tells me that I shouldn’t have had elective sections gets told to fuck off, family or not.

I've called her an idiot because she is refusing to listen to any advice, experiences (good or bad) she has closed off any other options other than a c section....my biggest concerns are her increased recovery time due to her fibro and the extra pressure this will put on my mum...as I said, being the 'baby' of the family ( something she plays up to I might add for all the comments about me still seeing her as a baby) she will expect for us to be there every day....something I'd be more than happy to do ( my 1st niece on our side...I have niece and a nephew through my ot) as my auntie is/was my absolute favourite person in the world.

Can I just say to everyone calling me obnoxious and having a go at me......yes I'm calling her an idiot but have any of you stopped to think that I am genuinely terrified for her and the thought of her going through major surgery actually makes me want to lock her in a room and take care of her? There is 6 years between us and I was brought up to look after her and help her choose the right path....I dont think a c section is the right path for her...she isnt a homebody who will be satisfied to sit at home everyday, she is a compulsive cleaner (thank you mrs hinch 🤦‍♀️) who rearranges her furniture on a weekly basis, has 2 stepchildren who they share custody of, who hate being indoors and she has a holiday abroad booked for 8 weeks after her due date .....shoot me for wanting her to understand that most natural births hurt like a bitch but dont take 6+ weeks to recover from

I have an older sister who is morbidly obese. She has lupus. She's an educated professional in a terrific job with 2 lovely adult children. She knows she is obese and that it negatively effects her health and puts her at serious risk of relatively premature death (she's in her mid 50s). She doesn't need for me to tell her this or call her an idiot for the choices she makes over her own life and would quite rightly tell me to fuck off for doing so. She's an adult.

So is your sister. Seems she left you behind in that. Grow up and stop seeing this as some sort of adult-child relationship with you being the wise oracle and support her as the adult and mother she's going to be.

It is her choice. I think you're right to make sure it's an informed choice with regards to the support she may need afterwards and your family's ability to provide that support but it is her body.

I’ve had 2, no ‘unnecessary suffering’ here, it was the right choice for me and I’d happily do it again. Her birth, her choice - keep out of it, it’s none of your business.