AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

It’s not really helpful to convince her that csections are awful when even if she did attempt a vb she may end up with one anyway.

The end goal is baby out and both mother and baby healthy. You’re massively overstepping the mark by thinking you have any influence on how that’s achieved. Your role is to support her whether in person or from afar.

@User3627290

C sections are not natural.

Yeah, neither are ultrasound scans or heartbeat monitors or foreceps or epidurals or oxytocin injections or inductions or ventouse caps, or really any of the things we use to minimise the chances of mother or baby dying in childbirth - something which, 200 years ago, happened in 2.5% of all U.K. births (compared to 0.013% today).

‘Natural’ is not, and never has been, a synonym for ‘good’ when it comes to childbirth

I never said it was . I'm not knocking c sections, or any other intervention at all. Just m00Ma's claim that c sections are as 'natural' as vaginal births.

Please keep out of this. The only people who should be involved in this discussion are her and her consultant. I urge you to leave her alone or I suspect you will end up being pushed away, which I am guessing you don't want given how invested you seem to be in the pregnancy.

You made your choices (baby at 15), I am guessing she never judged you for that? Please stop judging her.

@Boscoismyspiritanimal

YY to what Ilen said. I’m wondering how much of this is the OP projecting her place in the pecking order as a pregnant 15 year old with presumably limited choices and heavy reliance on the older females of the family. Your own birth experience as a 15 year doesn’t sound great - I wonder if all of those choices around birth options were completely out of your control and handed to your mother to make. You have a really unusual sense of ownership over your sister and her experience here. I can imagine bringing a newborn home as a 15 year old would interrupt the typical sister development anyway. Six years isn’t that much of an age gap. In my experience sisters with that level of age gap would see themselves as peers in adulthood ? Yet for some reason you’re pushing her into a box ‘marked -idiot , cant be trusted, terrible decision maker. I wonder how many of the older family members said things like this about you? Maybe your birth experiences made her very cautions.

Exactly this and what @Ilen said. She’s not you at 15, needing pregnancy and birth decisions made for her by adults, OP.

It sounds as if you might benefit from some coming to terms with your own past, which I’m sure can’t have been easy, but don’t muddle this up with your sister’s birth decisions.

‘Natural’ is not, and never has been, a synonym for ‘good’ when it comes to childbirth

It is reasonable to suggest that caesarian is not the 'natural' way for a baby to be born, especially ELCS. There are very specific risks to the baby that occur simply by not travelling through the birth canal and not experiencing labour.

However I completely agree with you that that doesn't actually mean anything. Much harm can occur to a baby from 'natural birth'. It is very much about weighing up the specific situation and the wishes of the woman (certainly not the wishes of her sister!).

I have not read the whole thread, but it’s interesting you call her your baby sister.thats the point she’s not a baby. It’s time to grow out of the older sister/younger sister dynamic.

No one else's business but hers!!

Her choice, get your beak out of it.

I’m not sure your sister is the idiot here.

I wanted an elective c section, everyone talked me out of it (reasons you’ve listed) then I ended up in horrible slow labour, being induced and eventually having to have an emergency c section anyway!

Tell you what I was pissed off I didn’t have my nice peaceful planned one!!

No body knows what will happen, her birth her choice. (All the painful after care was nothing compared to the labour pains!)

@m00Ma

Lucky *@shmithecat2 & @TableFlowerss*, breeding through their vaginal births with nary a snap of the scissors or scalpel, obviously their body knew to tear in a straight line so they could recover with some Natural oils & never suffer thereafter. And if it was alright for them, then clearly all the horror stories of rips, cuts, and so much worse, are bogus. Caesareans are Natural, because it's a baby birthing from a womb. Not Bokanovsky babies in jars. Try and think laterally, and stop extrapolating your experience to other mothers. We all give birth, not always blessed with positive experiences, and need all options, not sneery, feary, finger-wagging about one hole over another. OP, all the best for your sister & I hope your concern for her can be manifested in a less overbearing manner. I hear you on your family, colloquial use of idiot. Good night.

I never said the sister shouldn’t be allowed to chose what she wants. It’s her body her choice.

@Shmithecat2 is right though, a c-section isn’t a natural birth. You can argue the toss as much as you like and get all finger wagging that someone dare suggest it’s not.......but you’ll struggle to find a health care provider that would describe a c-section as a natural birth.

What does it matter to you? If I had a c-section (and I perhaps would chose one in the future) I wouldn’t try and proclaim its was all done naturally because that BS. A vaginal birth is a natural birth in medical terms. So don’t try and make others out to be arseholes, just because you don’t like a fact. It’s like you’re deliberately trying to be obtuse

It doesn’t matter though does it? There’s a choice an that’s good. If someone wants one then great!

Op: AIBU?
MN: yes
Op: I'm not!

It's been said, but you need to respect this decision. Shes not a baby any more, shes an adult with her own mind. You may be close but you can't know everything about another person, and she is not you.

Her decision is hers alone, and one she would not be able to carry out without discussion with HCPs anyway. Leave it be

Not your decision.
I had 3 natural births and they were hell. Lifelong health complications from them. Planned C sections can be a better choice.

Bloody hell I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress so that they're happy...

Eh? What on earth has it got to do with you? If you are this seriously over-involved in other people's decisions then how on earth do you find the time to live your own life?

I talk to friends about stuff like this, but if one of them starting 'grilling' me, I'd be backing off from them sharpish.

Yabvu ffs it's her body and her choice.

I know what you mean about expecting alot of help afterwards, but if she had a difficult birth she could just as easily need the help. Would you be more willing to help, as long as she had a natural birth as you all seem to be pressing for?!

Trust you duster the know her body - your experience of fibro is not the same as hers.

I have fibro, and had an elective section on maternal request. I just knew that for me a long labour would be worse, I would struggle to sustain a good birthing position, the tensing of my shoulders would trigger a flare, I wouldn’t cope with the exhaustion, and likely end with intervention. I couldn’t risk the the double whammy of long labour followed by emergency c-section. I was confident in my decision, and don’t regret it. Surgery was easy for me to recover from, far easier than suffering a flare. I was in hospital 2 nights, and well enough to make a short trip to a supermarket the day after I got home. I was in less pain and more mobile than the rest of my NCT group who had natural births and no pre-existing conditions. Obviously every birth is different - but don’t assume elective sections are worse

Also your statement about why doesn’t she want to try for a natural labour after waiting so long to conceive is both irrelevant and patronising. And saying a women’s body is designed for this is a myth - evolution favours the child's survival, not the mothers life/health.

Literally nothing to do with you, shes 29 fgs, what does your labours have to do with her choices 🙈
Ive had 2 emcs and 1 elcs
Cant resonate with all this in agony and not able to look after your baby rubbish. Pain is managed and it gets a little better each day. My sister had a far worse recovery than me from an induced birth that ended up in an assisted delivery.

It seems you're trying to force your sister in to doing what YOU want, it's her body, her baby, her choice. I had a 18 hour forceps delivery with my first and a c section for my second, the recovery from forceps was far far worse than my c section, in fact I'm still suffering now from an instrument delivery, so "natural" isn't always best.

Just out of interest, have you shown her all the replies and the voting poll that leans heavily towards you being unreasonable and her being allowed to make her own decisions?!

Of course not. She tell her she's asked around and everyone agrees with her. Obviously.

It's her body & her choice but I have to say I had an elective CS after a quick & therefore no intervention VB. I was actually shocked by how painful it was initially, I thought I would be hopping out of the bed etc and on a lot of forums people say they are a breeze. However I also learnt that some people have much stronger drugs &/or stay in hospital longer. I was discharged the next morning with paracetamol & yes I could walk to the car but it was more of a zombie shuffle.
I wouldn't do it again.

Are you still going to show this thread to her?

You seem to think that you're right and she's wrong, and the idiot just has to realise this, and then of course she'll agree with you.

I worked alongside a medical consultant who had two children, both by elective C-section. She said that a lot of doctors take that option. I guess they're all idiots who don't understand the risks too?

Oh & purely for vanity reasons I don't like the way my lower stomach is after the CS compared to VB, it's just not the same as before.

It's up to her what birth she wants