AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

God, mind your own business instead of you all harassing the poor woman.

Surely, it's

1. Her body, her choice
2. Having read up on fistulas and 4th degree anal tears and arrrghj! recently, it doesn't sound like a totally bad choice to me.
3. She will be speaking to various health professionals who are far more qualified and experienced, who will be able to discuss the options, any possible ramifications affecting women generally and people with her particular health problems, and that may influence her decision later on down the track
4. It's just your opinion that it's a terrible idea
5. She's allowed to have her own separate opinions and ideas about how she wants the birth of her first child to occur, and what she wants ideally for her body and herself. How is that brattish? I would say it would be brattish to suggest otherwise, really.

It depends what you mean by recovery when you talk of c-section. Yes heavy lifting is not encouraged but it isn’t for 9 weeks after with a vaginal either (prolapses can be caused either way). Most women who have planned c-sections are actually up and running and caring for their children much, much faster than women who have had vaginal births. Even those lucky women who just get minor tears often can’t sit down or kneal comfortably for weeks while they heal!

She’s knows herself. I had a section and was on my feet again as soon as the epidural wore off (as far as catheter allowed me to roam). I didn’t need any pain relief after the IV meds finished, it’s really not that bad. I’m a single mum too, discharged 2 days after op and looking after DS in my own no problem and no help

Its absolutely nothing to do with you. But out.

You say she has baby of the family syndrome but that's exactly what you're treating her like, a baby. By trying to tell her what' you think is best for her you are essentially treating her like a kid who can't make decisions for themselves! She's s grown woman, stop trying to persuade her to do things your way. Let her make her own decisions. If she regrets it that's her look out. And she'll learn from her experience.

It’s her choice. It’s also her choice if she doesn’t want to listen to you and from your posts I can certainly see why. I think you’re the difficult one, not her. Just back off and stop making her try and see your way. I’m sure she’s aware of vaginal delivery. She wants a c-section. End of story. Stop hanging up on her and trying to make her ‘see all the options’. Everyone knows what the options are!

I had an ELCS due to fibroids and a large baby. Zero pain on day 1 thanks to the intrathecal morphine and I only needed paracetamol and tramadol in the following days. I was up and about the following morning. This doesn’t mean that everyone’s ELCS will be like this but it shows that for some people it can be a really positive birth experience with minimal or no complications at all.

I think you need to stop projecting your prejudices against c sections on your sister and just support her. I know you think you are supporting her but your attitude stinks and really couldn’t be less supportive.

Ganging up not hanging up

To suggest your sister is 'an idiot' seems to indicate that you think this. This is not very healthy.
There is a boundary between you and her and I think that has been blurred.
You could discuss your concerns and outline them in a reasonable way and then listen to her thoughts, respect her choices and support her in any way you feel you can.

"Shes my baby sister"

I agree that a vb would be better, however she might be terrified of giving birth and is not sharing that.

My eldest and my middle DD haven't spoken in months. My eldest, like you babysat etc for me because there's a ten year age gap. She won't give my middle DD the respect as an adult and mother, that she should. She, like you categorises her as her 'baby sister'. This isn't about you. You don't get to take her autonomy away to 'keep her safe', that's a controlling relationship.

So just work on changing how you see her and how you relate to her.

If she is asking for advice give it otherwise leave her alone with it as it is nothing to do with you

2) Having read up on fistulas and 4th degree anal tears and arrrghj! recently, it doesn't sound like a totally bad choice to me

But the pelvic floor muscles would probably recover better by a natural birth, especially if breastfeeding

The problem with an elective caesarean is that it is an unnatural process, hormones that heal the body are disrupted, and the mother might have difficulty breastfeeding, which again would disrupt the release of muscle recovery hormones

If there is a risk of injury to the mother or baby then yes obviously a caesarean is better, but to elect for one doesn't make any sense

Your nose is so far up her vagina she wouldn't be able to have a natural birth anyway!

😂

I don't have fibro and every experience is different but, I stayed in hospital two nights. Could have gone home first night if I wanted to but chose to stay one more night. I was able to pick my baby straight away. I have scarring but it doesn't bother me. If my sister wanted a particular mode of birth, I would be supporting her and asking her to be fully informed but in a kind way. The best mode of birth is one that is safe - physically and mentally- for mum and baby and you are not in a position to judge that. As for post partum support, if you don't want to support her and your mum is too tied up, I would ask her to consider surrounding herself with supportive friends to help. My husband was back to work a few days later but again, it was ok for me. I simply brought the baby downstairs and put him safely on sofa as he didn't like day cot and I felt buying a Moses basket was a waste.
I had it easy. I was lucky. But some have it worse - whether c section or VB. It matters having loving or at least effective support around. And having a good attitude if you can manage, goes a long way. I know people who had VB and could hardly sit and suffered after effects for years afterwards.
You are not being unreasonable. You've gone right overboard. Your poor sister. It's only 16 weeks. With your attitude Ms 'I know what's good for you and will make you do it', it will be a long long 24 weeks to go. Poor girl

1) Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2) Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either

Absolute bullshit. I'm a fibro sufferer. During my first pregnancy, all my symptoms fibro related nearly disappeared. In this pregnancy they are worse than ever which just shows how every pregnancy is different even for fibro sufferers so you haven't a clue how she's feeling.
Part of having fibro is mental health related so if a c section is what she is comfortable with then that's her decision to make.
When I had ds 1, I had an epidural which worked a treat. I had it at the start of my labour because of my fibro. There is no suggestion that it doesn't work as well on fibro sufferers.
The recovery is also no longer for a fibro sufferer than for someone without fibro. I've never heard so much crap in all my life.
Stop judging your sister andwt her get on with her life.
And stop thinking that because you have fibro, you know exactly how it effects other people.

OP in the nicest possible way, can I ask why you think you get an opinion on this? Cant you see that just because she is your "baby sister" that doesnt give you the right to tell her how to give birth? Can you honestly not see how unreasonable you are. Do you also think that you will get a say in how the baby is raised?

Would you honestly be happy with a family member deciding how you should give birth?

C section isn't necessarily a long recovery. I had an emergency c section and after the first week I felt pretty much fine. I can understand you worrying and wanting her to make an informed decision, but you do sound rather patronising and if I was your younger sister I'd be pretty fed up with you and less inclined to listen.

Her body, her choice.

FYI your labour at home May have been quite traumatic for her, and have stayed with her. I know it was very difficult for my sister when I was Labouring at home as a teenager, perhaps someone needs to have a (non judgemental, non pressured) chat with her about it and see if that has affected her.

I just hope she's reading this thread. I guess you're also going to tell her to breast or bottle feed (insert preference) tell her how to get her baby to sleep, what pushchair to buy.

She has fibromyalgia, that in itself is a bloody awful condition, she's more than likely been medically gaslighted for years, she's tried for the baby for two years, she's pregnant with fibromyalgia which must be daily pain.

Sounds to me like she's a tough cookie and perfectly capable of having a C-section and looking after her baby without you.

I waan't in agony after mine.

I also breastfeed fine.

None of your beeswax.

@MomToTwoBabas

Yes she is being an idiot. Leave her to it though let her be in agony for ages after a c section not being able to pick up her own baby. She wont do it again.

I was up and about the day after my section, breastfeeding and lifting my baby with just paracetamol and no pain. There was no agony whatsoever.

@gubbbbbddaaaa

Can you just 'have' a c section nowadays?

I did!

@eeyore228

She needs to make her own decisions but can’t expect the rest of her family to help pick up the slack. I had an emergency C-Section and for me it was awful and I struggled a lot with the pain and looking after a newborn, the fact she describes it as easy is ridiculous though.

Well a section was easy for me. Just because your experience was bad doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. Although elective sections are easier than emergency.