AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold have you shown her the replies like promised or just the ones that agree with you?

Have a backbone and show her the whole thread then apologise.

Ultimately it’s her choice but a c-section does sound complicated given the fibroids.

As for tearing, she about to become a mum - tearing will be the least of her problems 😂

I’m with you OP but it is her choice 💁🏻‍♀️

Lucky @shmithecat2 & @TableFlowerss, breeding through their vaginal births with nary a snap of the scissors or scalpel, obviously their body knew to tear in a straight line so they could recover with some Natural oils & never suffer thereafter. And if it was alright for them, then clearly all the horror stories of rips, cuts, and so much worse, are bogus.
Caesareans are Natural, because it's a baby birthing from a womb. Not Bokanovsky babies in jars.
Try and think laterally, and stop extrapolating your experience to other mothers.
We all give birth, not always blessed with positive experiences, and need all options, not sneery, feary, finger-wagging about one hole over another.
OP, all the best for your sister & I hope your concern for her can be manifested in a less overbearing manner.
I hear you on your family, colloquial use of idiot.
Good night.

If I were your sisters DH I’d be asking you to shut up and back the fuck off.

This is not your decision. I’m sure he loves her just as much as you and they will decide how to proceed with her pregnancy and childbirth.

This is their moment. Not yours. You had yours some time back and for some reason you seem to have muscles in on hers now as well.

Leave her alone. Let her discuss it with the HCPs and the most important person to her. DH. You are far too over invested in your sisters body and you’re actually quite a way down the list in pecking order. Stop trying to take charge.

Her baby. Her body. Her choice. Your beak. Out.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Did I say stop?? You've never played devils advocate to anyone to make sure they've considered any big decisions from all sides before committing?? Bloody hell I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress so that they're happy...god forbid I want my sister to think of everything before committing to this!!

I think you might need some kind of help if this is your attitude to those around you

I'm a firm believer in listening to experiences and opinions before making a decision.

That's nice. What's that got to do with your sister's decision of how she has her baby @Rainbowsandpotsofgold?

You don't like the judgement you've had on this thread, yet you've judged your own sister yourself. That's a bit shit IMO.

I've had both. The csection is really easy. Go in lie down and an hour later you still have a full face of make up and a baby.
3 weeks layer you're still in agony, or at least I was. I was in pain for?ages, couldn't do things easily and it took ages for my stomach to build, then even though I'm very slim and toned upuslways gave the strange ridge where the cut was.. my other baby was born naturally. I was a bit sore but absolutley back to normal in days. One is easier to get over and done elwith the other is far easier uo recover from.
At the end of the day your sister will have to choose for herself but let her know you all gave limits on what you'll be able to contribute after the birth and her deciding she wants a c section doesnt suddenly mean you will have many more hours free to be at her beck and call. A c section hurts a lot for a long time afterwards do she needs to be prepared for it.

Birth of any type is about having realistic ideas and expectations of before, during and after. If she foesnt have it will be much harder for her.
Ultimately its up to her what she does , as long as she has a really good understanding of what ots?all about that's down to her.

@MomToTwoBabas

Yes she is being an idiot. Leave her to it though let her be in agony for ages after a c section not being able to pick up her own baby. She wont do it again.

Not true at all.

I recovered quickly from my emergency C section.

And yes, it WAS the easy way! I would choose to have another if I had a second child.

This must be a wind up. The OP, her mother and grandmother all have a discussion to ask this 29 year old how she intends to give birth three weeks BEFORE she's pregnant.

Get a life OP. And while you're at it, maybe one for mum and gran too.

Your sister is probably on the stately homes thread trying to get advice how to deal with her interfering, bossy, patronising, judgemental sister.

I'm a firm believer in listening to experiences and opinions before making a decision

Not sure why out of everything you've said this is what I'm fixating on, but the arrogance of this has made me really cross.

What relevance is it to your DSis what you are a firm believer in when you make your decisions? If you are a 'firm believer' in asking other people's opinions before making your decisions then you should, you know, ask other people's opinions before making decisions.

If DSis is a 'firm believer' in making decisions about her birth by herself, or based on emotion rather than fact, or based on the position of the moon in Venus, or any other basis, then that's how she should make hers.

I'm a 'firm believer' in not asking anyone else their opinion before I make decisions about my life. Few things wind me up more than unwanted intervention or having to justify myself to unaffected people. So I, you know, don't ask anyone else.

I do me. You do you. Let your DSis do her. Your opinion on how decisions should be made isn't superior to anyone else's, and you have no right to foist it on anyone else.

@BumbleFlump

Ultimately it’s her choice but a c-section does sound complicated given the fibroids.

As for tearing, she about to become a mum - tearing will be the least of her problems 😂

I’m with you OP but it is her choice 💁🏻‍♀️

Well no tearing might not be the least of her problems depending on the severity of it. Incontinence (urinary or both) as a result of severe tearing is pretty grim.

I do agree with your last point though about it being her choice.

Leave her to make her own choice.

I chose a c section because of tokophobia. I was up and about quicker than my friends with natural births. The first day was tough but otherwise I wasn't in that much pain and could pick the baby up and do most things. Some of my friends with natural births had all sorts of issues with bleeds, tears, stitches and ended up in hospital for longer.

The worst thing you can do is push her to do something she isn't comfortable with.

@m00Ma

C sections are not natural.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I'll admit I dont have personal experience of a c section...I only have friends and family to compare, which is the reason I posted ..I naively thought that I would get experiences from women who had experienced it...I genuinely didnt expect the level of judgemnetal abuse everyone seems to throwing my way

Yeah, you just wanted a load of horror stories to suit your narrative to bully her with. You won't show her this thread now, I'll bet.

I’ve had a horrendous vaginal birth and a calm c-section. I would choose a c-section any day.

The recovery from the c-section was fine, but the recovery from the vaginal birth was very long and painful.

I would leave your sister alone to make her own choice.

What you think is irrelevant. It's not your decision it's hers. You've given her your thoughts on it which is fine but knowing this information she has stuck with her decision which is her prerogative. Stop badgering her.

And vaginal births and C sections both carry risks and varying recovery times. I had a vaginal birth and my stitches slipped and I got an infection and it took weeks and weeks for me to recover. I could barely do anything. When I got married the lady that made my wedding dress had an elective c section and was back at work within days. Your sister could have an awful VB and be unwell for a long time or even be permanently. You don't know what's going to happen.

Because of all this It's up to your sister what risks she wants to take. It's her body. So not your decision.

I am struggling to understand why you feel the need to badger and call her a brat for not agreeing with you. when you have explained your concerns and she has made it clear to you that she wants to stick with her decision.

If I were your sister you would be seriously passingme off.

[quote MiddleClassProblem]**@Rainbowsandpotsofgold have you shown her the replies like promised or just the ones that agree with you?

Have a backbone and show her the whole thread then apologise.[/quote]
Yes @Rainbowsandpotsofgold if you don't want to show her the whole thread just the snapshot that 90% think YABU.

Your attitude really stinks, I'm so glad not to have a sister like you with a superiority complex.
Your nose is so far up her vagina she wouldn't be able to have a natural birth anyway!

Of course YABU, you don’t get to dictate what kind of birth another woman should have.

People in these circumstances would just disagree but not even mention, as long as she is aware you and your mum are unable to provide additional care after the birth it is absolutely none of your business

No matter what way you phrase this you are bullying her you've gone as far as posting it here in order to show her the answers, that's just manipulative. I have chronic fibromyalgia, contracted it aged 12 after a viral infection, had my son naturally aged 21 and because of the effect it had on me I was advised not to have more children, I couldn't lift him, feed him, carry him or care for him without assistance for months so maybe a section would have been better for me, no one can tell what effect labour will have on a particular person. I'm now almost 50 years old so 38 years of fibromyalgia, reliant on morphine for pain relief three times a day and if someone in my family tried to tell me how I should treat my body like you are doing to your sister I'd tell them to get lost. You sound controlling and bossy, lay off her, let her enjoy her pregnancy and if you dont want to help afterwards then just don't. Sound like if you did you'd probably being telling her how to rear the baby too.

Goodness me.... your poor sister.
None of your business and please get over the smugness “two natural births”..... just horrendous!

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Our relationship isn't an easy one ...she can be very difficult to deal with....I dont interfere in her life at all usually but I dont think she has really truly thought about this decision (both her stepchildren were born via c section and at the time both parents were home)

Why do you think you don't have an easy relationship or that you have to deal with her?

I'm an older sister that used to look out for/boss around my baby sister. In my twenties I realised I no longer knew more than her about everything and that she was allowed to think differently and have her own opinions.

When I stopped trying to have a parental role was when our became less difficult. relationship

You need to mind your own business. Hiw would you have felt if your sister repeatedly criticised your birth plan choices and called you an idiot?

She's only 18 weeks pregnant. Let her talk to her midwife. She still has plenty of time to decide her birth plan.

If she does go for a section you will just need to accept it. The pressure from 3 members of her family sounds like a nightmare.

Regarding helping her after the birth its up to your mum how much she does. She should maybe tell you sister in advance what she is/ is not prepared to do.