AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

"You had a baby at 15 and you believe that you are the one who knows best which choices other people should make about their bodies and lives?"

^That's an excellent point.

Her body, her baby, her choice. Why are you so angry about it? It's really none of your concern and doesn't affect you in any way.
I've had two elective C sections following a horrendous first 'natural' delivery - except there was nothing natural about being induced, having ventouse and forceps and an episiotomy resulting in horrendous vaginal tearing. My C sections were a calm and pleasant experience and 100% preferable to the 'natural' birth.

@jellyfishdoodoodoo

Plenty of rational, intelligent women choose an elective c-section because they’re happier with the risks than the ones associated with attempting a vaginal birth. Including doctors.

Wouldn’t be my choice but i respect and understand women who do. I can’t understand why it’s so bloody controversial and winds people up so much?? Do what’s right for you, why be so bothered about other people’s preferences?

Across health care well off white women are able to advocate and get access to the best health care more than any other group of women.

When it comes to child birth, they are judged for making similar informed choices based on ideological tropes and sexist bullshit.

I don't give a fig how anyone else gives birth. Theres arguments for and against and each case is highly individual.

I personally support home birth as much as access to ELCS - provided there is realistic understanding of the risks (particularly for first time mothers).

The problem with childbirth is the ideological interference over proper healthcare considerations - both mental and physical. These judgments do not exist to quite the same degree in any other area of medicine.

It comes down to control and ownership of womens bodies. The OP is demonstrating it in a way that isnt always as obvious as men's control over women. It's hierarchical and lacks respect for a woman considered lower down in the family pecking order. Its got nothing to do with the sister's well being however much the OP protests. She demonstrates the issue of power and control in every other post she makes!

It is quite remarkable to see.

I had an unplanned c section because of breech. The only thing I have some faint more or less academic regret about is that I won't have the life experience of a VB. Everything else went smoothly. The first 12 hours weren't fun but I didn't miss any time with my baby, I picked her up just fine. The scar doesn't bother me and never did. The only horror stories I've heard from any of the women I know were VB ones. I don't know of a single one with CS complications.

yabu is her choice. Stop comparing and deal with your own issues. So you feel you had it hard but it doesn't mean your sister has follow to make you feel better.

@Morgan12
Also can I just say that 'something a womans body is made naturally to do' is the biggest load of shite I've ever heard.

It's not shite though, is it? Its exactly what woman's body was designed for. Yes, of course, some women are thrown curve balls and these have to be managed in other ways, but wom8an's bodies generally are built to give birth vaginally.

YABU and it's none of your business. Elective c section is a valid choice. I've had 2, and a traumatic vaginal birth. My recoveries were absolutely fine, out of bed within a few hours and looking after my baby from the very beginning.

1st birth , back to back, vaginal delivery with ventous, weeks and weeks before I could sit down properly due to the pain and the many stitches were a wonder to behold according to the midwife.
2nd birth, back to back , vaginal delivery, small graze, piece of piss really.
3rd birth, back to back see a theme here crash section, recovery much easier than 1st birth, very little pain, bit knackered due to massive blood loss but up and about in less than 12 hours.

You cannot tell your Sister she and her baby will be absolutely fine if she has a vaginal birth and will have a better outcome than if she chooses an elective C-section. You can have an opinion but you cannot predict the future ?

I have had 2 natural births & 1 c-section. I also have ME & fibromyalgia. With my dd (natural birth) I was out shopping when she was 2 days old & I would say her birth was a pleasant experience. With ds2 I had to have a c-section. I didn’t get to hold him straight away as they were presumably sewing me up. It was incredibly difficult to change his nappy & feed him initially as I was soooo sore from having had major abdominal surgery. I had to stay in hospital for several days instead of just overnight which was quite lonely. The recovery time was much longer than with a natural birth. Yes I did tear with ds1, but that was nothing compared to having a c-section!

@DelilahfromDevon

You can show her my reply. I had an Elective C Section. No reason at all. Didn’t fancy vaginal birth. Didn’t fancy the pain, or the fact that there wouldn’t be a doctor in the room. And the fact that many midwives encourage gas and air only or tell you you’re too late for an epidural. I didn’t feel like going 14 days overdue, being induced, being in labour for days on end and ending up with an emergency c section. The worst of all worlds. Well, an ELCS was absolutely wonderful. A truly amazing experience. Had my due date months in advance, consultant led pregnancy so lots of extra scans etc. 7+ medical professionals in the room. No main to speak of and a simple recovery. I was back playing sport 2 months later. I can’t recommend it more highly. Icing in the cake: my “bits” are intact. If she wants any info, she can PM me and I can tell her the hoops she needs to go through to get an ELCS on the NHS.

My experience exactly, wouldn't do it any other way.

If you convince your sister otherwise and she has a terrible experience, she will blame you. It is her decision.

how dare you think this has anything to do with you?!

I’d leave her to it. Her birth her choice. For me my c-section was far less painful and faster recovery than my v-bac.

I feel so sorry for your sister, you should be supporting her decision not implying she’s a brat because she isn’t doing what you want. Natural births aren’t always best, some go horribly wrong and the recovery time can be longer than a c section and more traumatic. Her body, her baby, her choice!

ELCS have the highest rate of maternal satisfaction 🤷🏻‍♀️.

People seem to forget how many women and babies die from this perfectly natural process- have a a look at the statistics where Csections aren't available. It's natural, sure, but so is arsenic and they can both kill you!

“after trying for so long, why won’t she at least consider a natural birth?” This is awful. She most likely has been trying for so long to have a baby. She hasn’t spent two years trying to get pregnant for the birthing experience.

You and your mother should take several steps back and realise she’s a grown woman who is capable of making decisions for herself.

Just to also make the point that a CS in 1970 is likely only to have been an emergency. The experience of that is no way similar to now. I know that back then, being discharged from hospital after a day or so would have been unheard of after a CS. For an ELCS this isnt that unusal these days. Things have come a long way.

There is also a world of difference between the risks and the experience of an ELCS and an EMCS but for some unfathomable - and in no way completely ideologicalreason despite it being completely scientifically flawed to directly compare the two, they are constantly conflated and information misrepresented.

On top of that the way the risks of a VB are presented often neglects to include when the outcome didn't go to plan and you get medical intervention.

This distortion is fundamentally a disservice to women. Its shameful and yet is constantly done quite deliberately.

Its something that should provoke a lot more anger than it does, because its quite scandalous in how it misrepresents data to women.

Risk is not an equal thing either. Factors like how many children you intend to / are likely to have are often neglected. Age as well. And your underlying health.

If you are a first time mum close to 40, your chances of a vb without intervention are vastly smaller than a 20 year old gaving her second child. A woman having her first child at 40 is unlikely to have the additional risks of having multiple CS from lots more subsequent pregnancies too. A woman with infertility problems is unlikely to be having 4 or 5 C Sections (and accumulated risk with each subsequent pregnancy).

There is no one size fits all best way to plan to give birth, but there are definitely things that should be considered backed on personal circumstances in terms of risk.

Likewise having your first child at 15 has very different risks and considerations than having after having fertility problems at age 29.

The OP seems completely incapable of grasping any of the nuance or complexity.

Its just CS bad - VB good. And no interest in furthering understanding of shades of gray.

The OP should be doing this but its all about the need to 'educate' her sister.

How can someone with such poor understanding of the subject give any 'advice' of any meaningful quality to her sister.

The bottom line is she can't.

I really, really feel for the sister.

I’m honestly speechless at how controlling you are, OP.

If I knew your sister I think I’d be advising her to keep a wide berth from you.

Wow you sound like a really horrible sister. I had ELCS just because that was my preference. I didn’t have or need anyone around to help me, my husband was back to work quickly, breastfeeding successful etc. I think it’s strange and unhealthy that you feel so strongly about her decision and feel so uninhibited about commenting negatively on this to her, to the extent that you have written such a horrible post then said you’ll show the responses to your sister. Grateful my siblings are much more kind, non judgemental and supportive than someone like you!

I think you are being unreasonable, you should support your sister in what she believes is best for her. Ive had two my emergency was difficult to recover from but my elective was brilliant and was off all pain relief (paracetamol and ibuprofen all i took afterwards) by day 5

I haven’t read the full thread, but not all vaginal birth recoveries are easier than C section recoveries. And worries about tearing are not unreasonable.
In my case, I ended up with a third degree tear and an episiotomy, and lost 2.3l of blood. My bladder was bruised and there was some nerve damage. I spent five days in hospital, including a blood transfusion and several catheters - the latter because my bladder wasn’t waking up. I was sent home with a leg bag and proceeded to have two more catheters inserted after they all leaked. I rang the hospital one night in tears, standing in a pool of my own urine leaking around the catheter, but unable to go to the loo normally. I had to be readmitted for another night after that.
My episiotomy got infected and the stitches gaped. I was on daily painkillers for months after that and could only sit down on a gutter pillow - at first only for short amounts of time.
It took many months for the incontinence issues to be sorted with a lot of physio. A month after the birth I was still full on wetting myself when walking.
Finally, I wasn’t allowed to lift anything or even to carry her in a sling, or even to walk and stand around for too long, because my pelvic floor was such a mess.
My daughter was well worth all this and I’m so lucky to have her here with me and healthy - I’d do it again in a heartbeat for her. But I just wanted to focus on caring for my baby during those early months, rather than endless medical appointments, physio sessions, and worries about being continent again.
So please, please don’t assume that it’s always as straightforward as C section = long recovery, VB = out and about right away. Let your sister make her own choice.

Your sister should go non contact with you. You sound like a living nightmare.

I’ve been thinking about this. You were 15 when you had your first kid, right? I think you’re utterly jealous of your sister and her life and that’s why you’re trying to control it.

The medical professionals will explain the pros and cons before she makes the decision and again before she signs the consent for the cs. The medical professionals have a duty of care to her and must give her the relevant information for her to make an informed choice.

She is an adult who has the mental capacity to make these choices for herself. Please respect this, you play no role in this process, it is a matter for her and her medical team.

I have had 2 vagina births which were painful as babies both overdue so large and 1 c section as baby in distress. I found c section far easier. It was all over in a few minutes. I did not get infection and wound healed quickly. Only problem is you can't drive for 6 weeks. If I had to give birth again I would choose c section of given choice.

if in the end the consultant says she can its her decision isnt it

my dsis had two one emergency and was fine said she didnt find recovery hard either time