AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

If your sister is that scared, then if she attempted VB she may not be relaxed enough to progress naturally and may end up with an emergency c section anyway. Sounds like she has made a thoughtful decision knowing her own mind.

Surely an elected c section is better for recovery than 18 hours labouring and a c section?

Can I suggest you just leave it to the professionals. She will have to have a discussion with her medical team, who will be far more informed about birth than you

None of your business OP.

I can safely say if my friends were annoying my about handbags and shoes before I bought a dress I liked, I wouldn't go shopping with them at all. Honestly OP you need to back off the controlling aspects here...

This is between her and her medical team. Not your business

OP you have come on here asking for advice and are picking and choosing which advice to take depending upon your point of view. YOU are the one who is illustrating "once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind".

You seem furious with her because she is "refusing to listen", but that is her prerogative. I'm sure all will be discussed with qualified healthcare professionals over the next few months. I am wondering from this thread whether she doesn't want to discuss it with you to shut you down, because she suspects you will continually bring it up as you disagree with each other.

In our family we try to support each other even if we disagree. And we don't call each other brats or idiots. We make our positions clear and then get on with it.

Please OP grant your younger sister (she is not a baby anymore) her wish and leave her alone, on this topic, unless she asks for it. But it would be great if you could be supportive of her, her pregnancy and her decisions. And, please please, if it does go 'tits up' don't then tell her "I told you so" ad infinitum

Wow @Rainbowsandpotsofgold you really don’t like your sister, do you?

The poor thing having her sister, her mother, and her gran be complete cows about her.

Tell her to post on here for actual support, that’s my suggestion.

I had an emergency C section first time and a VBAC second time. If I were to have another baby (won't happen ) I would try to have another VB.

... However, it is her pregnancy, her body, her birth, her choice. You can tell her your opinion if she's asking, but that's pretty much it. Not your call to make. She is an adult, and it is up t her to decide what she wants to do.

I don't think you're trying to get her to see both sides of the 'argument', you're trying to get her to agree to your side.

You don't appear to be able to see both sides yourself as, 21 pages later, you still seem unable to accept the many posts that suggest you are indeed being unreasonable.

Afraid I haven't rtft but did you ever struggle to conceive? I did and I know that I was terrified of it all going wrong during the birth and ending up, once again, without our much longed for baby. Perhaps your sister has similar fears and has considered that the chances of something going badly wrong during a planned CS are very slim.

Ok OP I understand you want her to consider everything but you can take comfort from the fact that she has many months left to read and be informed and that doctors will make sure she is aware of immediate risks as well as recovery time even if she chooses not to engage with written material.
Your experience may be influencing your perspective but you have to trust the anaesthetist to do their job, and if something goes wrong in that respect it is better for it to go wrong in an elective section than an emergency section.
You may not realise it but your language is still showing a controlling aspect “would you LET someone make a decision”... it’s not your place to let her or stop her. It’s happening regardless and the beat you can do is listen to her and explore options with her. As for real life examples many in the thread have given you their experiences of elective sections, none seem to be disastrous. You can be the most informed person in the world and it can still go wrong or you can make a bad decision and it still turns out ok.

Why are you infantilising her? She may be your younger sister, but you seriously need to see her as an adult who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions.
It's her choice, and that decision has nothing to do with you. So, yes, you are being exceedingly unreasonable.

OP does your sister have the mental capacity to make her own decisions? As adults we can all make decisions for ourselves, even if they're not necessarily in our best interests. That's part of being an adult. What you want/think/feel is totally irrelevant UNLESS your sister asks for your input. I'm not trying to pile on and I've never given birth. But I do have 3 younger sisters in their 20s who I would fucking kill for. I've never offered advice unless asked and I have an opinion on everything. Please at least think about the replies on here and just leave your adult sister to make her own decisions with as much or as little research as she wants.

I had two c sections ( both emergency) following very long difficult labours. I was very sore for the first week, much improved by the second week and nearly back to normal by the 4th week.

If epidurals are problematic, then surely a planned c section rather than risk an emergency c section would be best. This would allow time to be given to several attempts for an epidural if required. The alternative could be that she ended up needing a general if a last minute epidural didn't work.
Also, if she is very anxious, then a planned c section could save her a lot of anxiety during the birth. My friend had a planned one for her second baby and if all went very calmly and smoothly and she said that she wasn't exhausted unlike her first natural labour. If your sister tears, she could be in lot of pain in any event which could take a while to heal. She ought to talk to the midwives/drs/anaesthetist. However, I'm not surprised that she is being 'stubborn' right now as it sounds like she's being backed into a corner and lectured. Back off a bit and she may give it a bit more thought.

As others have said 'her birth, her baby, her choice'

Just on @MomToTwoBabas says though in case any one else is looking to have a c section or has to have one and hasn't yet experienced it....

"Leave her to it though let her be in agony for ages after a c section not being able to pick up her own baby. She wont do it again"

^^ that is BS. You can 100% pick up your baby post c section...speaking from experience. You can also have a good recovery....again speaking from experience. I had an emergency c section last time and if/when I have another baby I will be choosing an elective one so the last statement is also somewhat.... (yep you've guessed it....BS)

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I know it's not my decision....would you let your sister/ friend whatever make the same decision without considering it for longer than a couple of hours and without listening to other 1st hand experiences....its not like picking up paint test pots

You seem to see your sister as still a child and possession. You are not "letting her" make an informed choice. She is simply making a choice. She will speak to her midwife/ consultant and the professionals will advise her. She is your little sister who is also a grown woman about to be a mother. She need to be 'allowed' to make her own choices. It is no ones business but the pesron who is going to be in labour. Trust your 'baby' sister and her medical professionals.

I had a section because of undiagnosed breech and recovery was fine. Was out of bed to pick up baby on first night in hospital, home next day and driving after 3 weeks.
My NCT group all planned lovely natural hypnobirthing experiences. All but one ended up with EMCS and recovered just fine.
The one who had a vaginal birth had 3rd degree tear, extensive physio recovery and still experiencing problems 3 years later.
I know which I would choose.

I hope you’re still going to show her this thread, since most people vehemently disagree with you.

Her birth, her choice.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Do you honestly think I havent spent hours 'seeing it from her point of view' Seeing as I'm the only one who actually knows my sister, I can honestly say this wont be the 'easiest' option for her....she will struggle both physically and mentally....everyone has assumed I'm trying to bully her into changing her mind....I'm not...I just want her to think about everything...good, bad, ugly (her mental health is heavily tied to her physical health)...I will gladly eat my words if I'm wrong.

Given your level of factual ignorance on the topic which shows how little research you've done, never mind how little empathy you've shown on this thread - which has included calling her 'an idiot' and how you have ignored so many posts on here trying to sign post you to unbiased information and the background to why women choose ELCS...

...no i dont think you have spent 5 minutes thinking about this from her perspective because you are still bleating on about how shes doing things all wrong and you don't treat her with the respect and nor allow a 29 year old the space she deserves to take responsibility for her own life and decisions.

'We just want what's best for her"
'We want to protect her from unnecessary suffering"
'Something a woman's body is naturally made to do'

Jesus.
This is not your decision to make. Stay out of it.
If I was your sister this barrage of bollocks from you and your mother would solidify my choice. She is an adult, whether or not she is your baby sister.
Stop forcing your own opinions onto the poor woman. And your vieled suggestions that you'll be reluctant to help her should she not do what you say are pretty poor and basically blackmail.

I have fibromyalgia and Ehlers Danlos , and even a quick look through my medical reference books on it suggest that natural birth often results in more pain during labour and after it ( can attest to that - I should have had two caesars but hadn't been diagnosed then) .
And perhaps her experience of the disease is different to yours - it's a odd condition and sufferers have very different experiences re pain and sensitivities.

Your statement re epidurals and anaesthetics is familiar territory for me and can easily be remedied by an experienced anaesthesiologist who has previous worked with patients with this condition. Again, I'm speaking from experience. It's not the insurmountable issue you imply.
I'd focus my energy on helping her find the best anaesthetist and educating them accordingly - that would actually be helpful, not bullying her into a natural birth.

Leave her alone, and take your ' the whole family has had natural child births ' rubbish with you.

And to the OP's sister, your body, your choice. Ignore your sister and you mother.

You sound like a bloody cult with your 'we think x, y and z'. Back off and leave her be.

Plenty of rational, intelligent women choose an elective c-section because they’re happier with the risks than the ones associated with attempting a vaginal birth. Including doctors.

Wouldn’t be my choice but i respect and understand women who do. I can’t understand why it’s so bloody controversial and winds people up so much?? Do what’s right for you, why be so bothered about other people’s preferences?

My c section was fabulous. And vastly different from my absolutely horrendous vaginal birth.

I wasn't in agony at all, recovered much faster than the VB and I could hold my baby straight away.

Sounds like a few people replying on here about c section recoveries haven't actually had one.

Anyway, none of your business is it?

Also can I just say that 'something a womans body is made naturally to do' is the biggest load of shite I've ever heard.

My body certainly wasn't able to birth a child naturally. Don't talk such utter bullshit please.

'We just want what's best for her"
'We want to protect her from unnecessary suffering"
'Something a woman's body is naturally made to do'

There are risks either way. What if you talked her out of it and she ended up with-
A far more traumatic and dangerous emergency c-section (emergency sections are not rare at all)
A traumatic forceps delivery with a long recovery
Third degree tearing and permanent incontinence issues

To name a few. You could steer her in the direction of a worse recovery and more trauma by insisting she doesn’t choose a section