AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

None of your business. I can just imagine her posts on here in a few months time about her nightmare sister not respecting her choices with her new baby. You can disagree but ffs acknowledge the fact that you have no say over what she does with her own body

Bloody hell I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress so that they're happy

Wow. I’d say I can’t think of anything worse. But being told how you can have your child and how to make the decision, is clearly much worse.

It took her 18 months to decide what colour to paint her kitchen I dont think this decision is something she should be making so quickly

I imagine she had a more visceral response to her mode of delivery.

SHE’S NOT COMMITTING TO ANYTHING

You are acting like overbearing parents. She is 29, she is an adult.

I had a natural labour it was terrible. I had an ECS with my second and it was amazing. Delivery itself was very calm, pain well managed, I felt safe throughout. The recovery was no more painful than my first birth had been and I was able to care for my baby independently (no support at all) after about 2-3 weeks once my husband had gone back to work. You can’t guarantee a natural labour will be a perfect experience.

It is correct that you can request and ELCS. As I recall the NICE guidelines changed about 5 years ago. You can insist on an ELCS but you generally need to give some reason and may be referred to a nurse to discuss your concerns, look at ways that anxiety can be alleviated (if that is the concern) so you can assess all the factors and decide if it’s the right decision for you. But if you insist, you must be given an ELCS unless it is not medically safe. If the hospital refuses they are not complying with the guidelines.

god forbid I want my sister to think of everything before committing to this!!

But you don’t just want this. You’ve already had this conversation with her, so you’ve invited her to consider all angles. But that wasn’t enough - what you actually want is for her to change her mind to the course of action you think is best. And it’s tied up with some weird paternalistic attitude you have that she’s a baby who needs you to guide her and help her do the ‘right’ thing - even when it’s nothing to do with you and there is no right or wrong answer.

Bloody hell I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress so that they're happy...god forbid I want my sister to think of everything before committing to this!!

You sound like a very controlling person.
Find a way to take a step back.

I can’t understood why anyone wouldn’t want a C-section.

Also I have a little sister, I understand the desire to protect her but she’s a grown woman who needs to make her own decision.

Regardless of this issue please evaluate yourself and how condescending you are towards her. You really are. No one here needs to see you together to know this. You gave written this.

Your attitude will dog her for her whole lie unless you learn from it.

You've never played devils advocate to anyone to make sure they've considered any big decisions from all sides before committing??

You've said yourself she's never ever changed her mind about anything

Bloody hell I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress so that they're happy...

Also - I literally can’t imagine anything more overbearing and annoying than this.

[quote Shmithecat2]@TableFlowerss
Why would anyone be jealous?

Indeed... . My genital region did indeed tear (all by itself, no scalpel required), but some stitches and a few drops of lavender oil in the bath soon had it all sorted. No issues in that area for me 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Exactly! I also used that oil in the bath and a few days later I was as right as rain. Pretty sure we’re not jealous 😂

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Do you honestly think I havent spent hours 'seeing it from her point of view' Seeing as I'm the only one who actually knows my sister, I can honestly say this wont be the 'easiest' option for her....she will struggle both physically and mentally....everyone has assumed I'm trying to bully her into changing her mind....I'm not...I just want her to think about everything...good, bad, ugly (her mental health is heavily tied to her physical health)...I will gladly eat my words if I'm wrong.

Would it be 'easier' if she had to undergo an induction, followed by prolonged labour, followed by an emergency C section? Am curious to know now. Coz that is possibility. One that you may or may not have spent hours thinking about? What is it about a planned section that is so 'wrong' for you? Recovery time? That has been challenged by many on the thread with traumatic VBs. Difficulty coping and expecting you to help her? That is entirely your decision. If you dont want to be there, dont. I was told quite clearly before my section how to plan ahead for the first few weeks by the nursing staff and I imagine so will she. Difficulty feeding? That is luck of draw - the baby very well could struggle to latch no matter how he/she is born. Or is the reason mainly that you simply dont agree with your younger sister making a decision without talking to you?

@LilOldMe

I can’t understood why anyone wouldn’t want a C-section.

Have you done both? I have and, going against the general mumsnet grain, I far preferred the VB. Especially the recovery. But I think I was quite lucky with it.

And anyway, that really isn't the point. OP's sister doesn't want to attempt a VB. She is perfectly entitled to make that choice without interference from anyone else, except maybe a HCP.

@LilOldMe

I can’t understood why anyone wouldn’t want a C-section.

Surely the recovery time?......

I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress

How dare you? It's none of your business. How controlling are you? Is anyone in your life permitted to make a decision without asking your opinion first?

I haven't read the full thread but I wanted an elective section for various reasons. HCPs talked me out of it and after a pretty horrific experience I ended up with an emergency section due to a pathological CTG. Just before lockdown. My sister has since had an elective section. Her recovery was far better even with a toddler.

A good friend had a caesarian for her first (for medical reasons) and natural for her second. She preferred the caesarian and has said that in hindsight she wished she'd had an elective one for the second

Similar situation for me. ELCS was so easy for recovery, was driving at 2 weeks, pushing the pram and walking all over the place. Breast feeding came very easily, too.

2nd was VBAC, and at the time I didn't realise I could have pushed for an ELCS, as I would have done. And certainly with hindsight I should have done. VBAC was easy, too, but did leave 3rd degree tears that took some healing, and recovery time was longer than with ELCS.

But all this is irrelevant as OP doesn't want to hear positive experiences about CS.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold You clearly haven't done any proper research on the risks of VB or ELCS. The level of overall risk is actually very close. But that's a discussion between your DSis and her HCPs.

And, having read your posts, I reckon your DSis is keeping a lot of information to herself and not sharing with you. You do come across as controlling, and that your opinion is better. You need to remember she is an adult.

You had a baby at 15 and you believe that you are the one who knows best which choices other people should make about their bodies and lives?

I've had 3 "natural" births and I was stitched up afterwards every time. The first two I lost 800mls and 900mls of blood. The third baby (I'm 5'2", baby was 9lb1oz) I was consultant led but ended up with 2 midwifes and my husband pinning me to the bed while a consultant manually moved the baby who'd got stuck.

If she wants a C section, it's up to her. I wish I'd considered or been offered a C section. My fanny and insides are ruined now.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Did I say stop?? You've never played devils advocate to anyone to make sure they've considered any big decisions from all sides before committing?? Bloody hell I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress so that they're happy...god forbid I want my sister to think of everything before committing to this!!

Grilling your friends about handbags is batshit. You're the problem here. Step back.

@21:44TableFlowerss

Surely the recovery time?......

And the possibility of scarring/the overhang. And not being able to drive. Both those would've made me very miserable.