AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

JFC mind your own business.

Instead of trying to change her mind yourself, you can share your experience/worry of anaesthetic not working well and advice her to talk to her doctors? Then they will be aware, and take more precautions and if they think it's risky, they may talk to her about better options?
I just don't think trying to change her mind just by telling her to will work.
After all, she is 29, not 15. She is more than capable to decide about her own choice.

Why do you need to see someone else’s birth from her point of view. Why do you think your view would matter in her own plan for her own vagina?

You seem so concerned with the amount of support she will need after a section. And how she will cope if she cant move.

What if she chooses your way of a natural birth and ends up, like I did, with a hip injury making it impossible to walk for 8 weeks and needing surgery 2 years later for it. Mentally this caused me to spiral into a depression. Will you be there to support her for that?!?

Second time round I had a planned section. Fabulous. In and out in 24 hours. Walking easily in 2 days and driving again in 2 weeks. Bliss.

It took her ages to choose a paint colour so you think she shouldn't rush into this decision... but she's been ttc for two years? So she's had a long time to make up her mind. It's honestly not your place to advise her at all unless you've been through both yourself, which you haven't.

Honestly, it really does seem as though you don't want her taking 'the easy way out' after your difficult birth experience. That's how your posts read to me, sadly. But remember, if you pressure her into a VB and something goes wrong, she will never forgive you.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

If you cant read the whole post what right have you got to call me vile for trying to prevent her unnecessary pain and recovery time.... as I said , she has fibromyalgia and from experience with epidurals and anaesthetic, as well as case studies, they dont work as well and our recovery time is longer....and as shes MY baby sister, if I want to call her an idiot for making a choice that may negatively impact her life...I will

But what if she has to have an emergency section ?

Will you still call her an idiot then and quote the dreadful thing she's done to her body.

Why have you spent ‘hours’ thinking about this though? That’s quite strange.
If it were your baby I could understand.

I feel sorry for all your baby sisters ( because yes that's what she is..my baby sister)

This makes me feel a bit sick. She’s not a baby. You are being SO disrespectful.

If you really care about her, why aren’t you prioritising her right to bodily autonomy? Why aren’t you respecting her right to make a decision about her own body? Why are you determined to force your opinions upon her?

I have a younger sister the same age as yours. She isn’t a baby. She’s an adult, and she deserves to be treated as an adult, and not condescended to, babied, undermined, or disrespected.

[quote m00Ma]@shmithecat2 not natural? So the baby isn't being born from our bodies?
I'm sick of this attitude to caesareans that has persisted over the decades since my own (wasn't interested prior so no idea of battles fought prior to 23 years ago): not natural, not real mothers, didn't feel a certain pain so our pain isn't authentic to the experience of becoming a mother?
It's absurd and insulting. A scalpel to the belly is less natural than a scalpel to the perineum during vaginal birth?
A caesarean birth is a birth. It's natural.
Let's get it right, there's a certain amount of jealousy that our genital region isn't ripped up.[/quote]
Why would anyone be jealous?

This post seems to suggest that woman can chose to have a c-section if they so wish.

I assume the majority of women chose not to....

Have we not made it clear enough that you are in fact wrong?

What do you mean trying to see if from her point of you? It’s not your decision. You have no need to see it from her point of view. You simply accept her decision.

God how awful for your sister. What an appalling way to treat someone.

YABU. You don’t get a side of the argument; this isn’t your birth. It’s absolutely nothing to do with you.

As long as she is listening to the medical professionals surrounding her you and your mum should keep your opinions to yourself.

Absolutely this. It's her choice. You sound really condescending.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

This is all I want her to do!! It took her 18 months to decide what colour to paint her kitchen I dont think this decision is something she should be making so quickly

It's taken her 2 years to conceive, how do you know she hasn't been thinking about this for all that time? Also, it isn't your place to 'let' her do anything, she's an adult. Do you consider her to be less intelligent than you in some way?

shes MY baby sister

It’s not about you.

How did you end up feeling so entitled to have this control over her? You sound indignant that she has not chosen the path you want her to take.

She’s a grown woman and has a right to chose how to give birth. She will be advised by her doctors and midwives, who will lay out the risks.

Seeing as I'm the only one who actually knows my sister, I can honestly say this wont be the 'easiest' option for her....she will struggle both physically and mentally..

She's come through 2 years of fertility treatment - perhaps she's stronger than you give her credit for?

I agree yank, there are ownership issues here. No one should look at another woman and try and see their birth from their own point of view. It’s kind of codependent really. I mean this kindly OP, you are too involved in what her womb is doing.

Did I say stop?? You've never played devils advocate to anyone to make sure they've considered any big decisions from all sides before committing?? Bloody hell I grill my friends about shoes, bag and coat before they buy a dress so that they're happy...god forbid I want my sister to think of everything before committing to this!!

If her mental health is very tied to her physical health then IME an elective c-section is definitely the way to go and I would be encouraging her if I were you OP. Vaginal births can go oh so wrong, particularly the first time round. Nightmare situations are quite the norm among the women I know. Scarring, prolapses, surgery to repair perinium damage, pelvic floor problems, ptsd, pnd, loss of sex life... on and on it goes. C-sections can be tough to recover from for a couple of weeks but long term they're the safer option IMO. Unless she wants to have a large family - then the risks are there but if she only wants one or two DC then she would be wise to stick to her decision.

You sound like a right pain in the arse though - you need to back off her.

Again, it's literally none of your business.

Oh god, bore off. It’s not your life. Butt out.

You don't want that though. You want her to try a vaginal birth.

@TableFlowerss
Why would anyone be jealous?

Indeed... . My genital region did indeed tear (all by itself, no scalpel required), but some stitches and a few drops of lavender oil in the bath soon had it all sorted. No issues in that area for me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op can you see how wrong you are? Literally hundreds of posts telling you and yet you're still trying to insist that you know what's best for your sister.

It's her choice.

Nobody knows how childbirth is going to turn out. It almost never goes to plan. I know lots of women who end up having to have emergency c sections. I know women who had c sections who found it ok.

It doesn't matter if you think she's making the wrong decision, it isn't up to you.

Let it go. Now. If you carry on like this after the baby is born you'll drive her away altogether.

No not really, I don’t question every choice other people make and demand to know if they’ve researched it to my standards. It must make them feel really shit about their own choices.