AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

I hope your sister joins mn. I think she will find it very supportive.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I know it's not my decision....would you let your sister/ friend whatever make the same decision without considering it for longer than a couple of hours and without listening to other 1st hand experiences....its not like picking up paint test pots

You mean your experience? And what do you mean “let”

How many times do people have to tell you it’s not your decision?

I'm always sorry I didn't choose elective c-sections with my first two DC. I wanted to but I didn't want to ask/make a fuss so I went ahead with vaginal births. The scar from my stitches is still causing trouble years on. Absolutely no need for a vaginal birth in this day and age if she doesn't want one.

Electives are a nice, controlled environment to have a baby in and takes away all the anxiety of labour - not knowing when/how it's going to go. If I had my time again I would do just as your sister is. I think she is most certainly not an idiot - she is very wise and YABU.

This is all I want her to do!! It took her 18 months to decide what colour to paint her kitchen I dont think this decision is something she should be making so quickly

Are you even allowed to chose a c-section just because you fancy it? The operating theatre, anaesthetists? Etc..

When I had my two you weren’t even allowed an epidural as the hospital didn’t offer that service.

I planned a lovely hypnobirth, no pain relief, with the golden hour the skin to skin etc. What I actually got was a hugely painful induction, followed by an epidural, episiotomy, forceps, retained placenta, 3.2l haemorrhage, a blood transfusion and a weeks hospital stay including two days in ITU. I'm left with horrible anxiety and PTSD. I was offered a caesarean prior to the induction - my consultant is a wonderful lady - and I wish I'd taken it because I'd have preferred the section recovery any day over what I had. It is her decision at the end of the day, you have clearly made your position clear so it's time to leave it now!

It doesn't matter HOW she made her decision. What matters is that its HER decision. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Can you not realise that from the number of people telling you to butt out that you need to butt out?!

How many other decisions are you going to overrule? Whether she breastfeeds? Swaddles? Co-sleeps?

How could she prove to you that she has done sufficient research by your standards? Do you want a 2 page essay with references?

How will you feel if she gives in and has a vaginal birth that goes wrong? How will she feel? Resentful I'd imagine.

I'm going to try to see it from her point of view (you could try it) shes gone through 2 years of uncertainty, trying for a baby and having no control. Now shes pregnant, and she has even more uncertainty and little control, at her next scan she could find out baby hasn't got a heartbeat, she could wake up in a pool of blood tomorrow.
She could go into labour at any time and place, it could progress at any rate.
Then if she makes it to term, she could have any manner of complications that puts her and baby in danger, and at any moment she could find out that baby is critically ill. Or she can plan a c section, and the alternative possibilities decrease. She will know more than she did would if she waited for nature to take its course. Yes there are things that could go wrong. But doctors are already prepared, they're already there, shes already prepared for surgery.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I know it's not my decision....would you let your sister/ friend whatever make the same decision without considering it for longer than a couple of hours and without listening to other 1st hand experiences....its not like picking up paint test pots

But, she has nine months, or however long, to think about it. It isn't set in stone. They won't book her in till she's about 36 weeks or so. She can change her mind. They won't set upon her with a scalpel!

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

How is major abdominal surgery better and safer than something a woman's body is actually made to do?

It was this attitude that really frustrated me, that people immediately felt they knew better than me what was right for my own body.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

This is all I want her to do!! It took her 18 months to decide what colour to paint her kitchen I dont think this decision is something she should be making so quickly

And we don’t think you should be dictating like this. 🤷‍♀️

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I know it's not my decision....would you let your sister/ friend whatever make the same decision without considering it for longer than a couple of hours and without listening to other 1st hand experiences....its not like picking up paint test pots

Jesus fucking Christ are you this involved in every aspect of your sister's life? Did you stick your oar in when she lost her virginity? When she left home? When she met her partner and decided to live with them?

Have you literally got nothing better going on with your own life, than take over hers?

Stop smothering her and back off. THIS IS NOT YOUR DECISION TO MAKE.

Ok so this is a precious pregnancy as well because you mentioned she was having fertility problems. If I were in her place, I would definitely be opting for a Planned Section. It gives me more control over the process and I know there is a OBGyn, an Anaesthetist and a qualified C Section Midwife in the theatre with me. I would know my baby is in safe hands.
There is no question about medical reason for a C section. The mother decides and the whole 'pros and cons' you speak of, are discussed in lot more details than a Mumsnet thread, with the doctors. But ultimately, what everyone is trying to tell you, is that THE MOTHER DECIDES. She will also decide about feeding later, just in case another thread is coming up in 6 months time. I get that you want the best for her, but what you decide is best, need not be what she decides. And she has the right to make these pivotal decisions on her own.. for a baby she didnt even think she would have. Calm down and think from her perspective once, rather than visualising her as you baby sister. She hasnt been a baby for quite a few years.

OP, given that you were 15 when you gave birth, and your sister was 9, those five days you spent in slow labour were probably spent with her, right?

And I presume that as a 15 year old, you had a fair deal of opinions and judgement piled on you?

I guess you think it's normal to have this much hysterical interference in pregnancy and birth. But your sister is 29 with a long planned pregnancy. She's in a totally different life space, and to be honest, you seem very misplaced to offer her support. If you really want her to consider it, then I'd back the hell off and let her hear from mums in her antenatal group.

You sound pretty outraged. To even start the thread about how you think another person should birth their own child, you must have pretty strong feelings. The updates sound even more outraged. I think you just don’t like her doing what you tell her...

Why do you think it's ok to tell your adult sister what to do?? Do you control everyone in your life like this??

Her body. Her birth. Her choice.

End of.

She’s a 29 year old adult capable of making her own decisions.

Yabu by calling her an idiot. A lot of assisted vaginal births are actually pretty bad e.g. forceps use.

My csection was great.

She needs support and to look into the positive birth company. And you to treat her with respect. 👍

"NICE guidelines say you can insist"

Really? I wish someone had told me that 10 years ago, I considered one for my height, midwives kept advising it might be best (after taking one look at me, and the first question always being "what's your shoe size"), but the actual Dr's all talked me out of, and insisted everything would be fine. I ended up getting an emergencey c-section at 8cm, because ds was trapped in my pelvis for hours and was in extreme distress, heart rate dropping. We both nearly died. When the doctor come around, he was all breezy and "maybe next time" about it. One of the older midwives came to see me after, and basically told me to ignore everything he said, that I would never give birth normally, and not to put myself through all that again and to insist next time.

The fear of not being able to insist and going through all that again, was a factor in why I only had one dc (it was pretty traumatic), but I was back on my feet and feeling fine by the time I left hospital (I was a teenager though so not sure how much a factor that was).

.knowing what she's like, that will be much harder for her than she has realized
Please don't underestimate the type of mother someone will be and don't be ready to pick up pieces. Everyone thought I was too soft for all of this. Four children and one miscarriage later my mum admitted she thought I wouldnt be able to handle any of it and was blown away.You can pick up pieces if something happens but other than that you just have to be there. Let her make up her own mind, whether informed or not. It'll all happen with or without you

@m00Ma, no, a c section isnt a 'natural' birth. I have no issues with c sections and don't think that anyone is any less of a mother etc. Not at all. But they're not 'natural'. Don't be so bloody ridiculous. I never had scalpel anywhere near my perineum but my body was instinctively pushing my baby out through my vagina, you know, as nature designed. Nature did not have designs on someone opening your abdomen up with a scalpel to get the baby out. And whilst there's nothing wrong with that kind of assistance, for any reason, it's not natural.

would you let your sister/ friend whatever make the same decision

How would you propose we stop them?

@thecatsthecats

OP, given that you were 15 when you gave birth, and your sister was 9, those five days you spent in slow labour were probably spent with her, right?

And I presume that as a 15 year old, you had a fair deal of opinions and judgement piled on you?

I guess you think it's normal to have this much hysterical interference in pregnancy and birth. But your sister is 29 with a long planned pregnancy. She's in a totally different life space, and to be honest, you seem very misplaced to offer her support. If you really want her to consider it, then I'd back the hell off and let her hear from mums in her antenatal group.

Fantastic post!

No bullying involved at all, we are just trying to get her to see both sides of the situation.
You really aren't. You think you are right and that most will agree with you.

I think you should butt out and let your sister make her own decisions. If you don't want to help her after the birth then don't.

YABU

Her birth her choice.

Even if she opts for a natural birth she could end up needing a C section and if you have quoted all this to her about a natural birth she could well feel a failure. The thought of all your family nagging her about her birth choice horrifies me

I feel very sorry for your sister .

Do you honestly think I havent spent hours 'seeing it from her point of view'
Seeing as I'm the only one who actually knows my sister, I can honestly say this wont be the 'easiest' option for her....she will struggle both physically and mentally....everyone has assumed I'm trying to bully her into changing her mind....I'm not...I just want her to think about everything...good, bad, ugly (her mental health is heavily tied to her physical health)...I will gladly eat my words if I'm wrong.