AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

Oh I loved my c section. I had a vaginal one where I nearly died, an attempted vaginal one which failed after 3 days and an emergency cs, and then a planned CS.

This will come as a shock to you OP, because you seem adamant that only you are correct about what she should be doing, but consider, deep down, for a moment that you are wrong. That not all women have terrible recoveries from CS. That you do not personally have experience of it either so can’t really judge anyway. That she may have done more research than she will tell you because you’ve commandeered every living woman in your family to have a conversation with her about how wrong she is about knowing her own body. That her fear may be such that she’d rather have an abortion than give birth naturally (how I felt after nearly dying twice.)

So yeah, take that on the chin and let her decide without framing your pushiness as support. It sounds like, I’ve had more babies than you so I know better. You might. But also might not, because everyone is different:

in my sisters case...the flaw I'm referring to is her makinging split second decisions, without stopping to consider all options.

Not necessarily a flaw is it - I have often found I know in my heart/gut what I want to do but feel I must go all around the houses (it's the way of the world all consulting each other on the internet) only to realise my decision was made already.

It hasn't been 'ok'd by medical professionals' shes yet to see a midwife/ consultant

Op have you shown your sister the replies on this thread like you said you would?

But if it is, will you leave it? She has said what she wants, she needs to discuss it with her medical providers. If it’s suitable for her, they will agree to it. If not, they won’t. You just need to see what happens. But it’s between them, not them, you, your mum, your aunt etc.

Are you still going tomorrow to show her this thread? @Rainbowsandpotsofgold

It actually reads to me like the best thing you could do for your dsis's mental health, after the birth, is to stay away from her for a while? I doubt you'll be any more supportive, or less critical and judgey, about her parenting choices than her birth choice, only then you'll have the excuse of "but I'm just worried/thinking about what's best for the baby".

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I definitely didnt expect for everyone to side with me (I didnt expect the abuse but hey ho) Her mental health after the birth concerns me....alot of comments have said about being up and about and driving after 2 days or whatever...but she is a very outgoing woman,.not one to sit at home ( if shes home alone the house gets rearranged so she hasn't go to sit doing nothing) if she has a section and can drive after 2 weeks that's fantastic but what happens to her mental health if her recovery is delayed and she has no choice but to stay at home, unable to do anything...how will that effect her mental health? And yes I know the same could be said for a natural delivery.

Go and look this up.

Evidence is that women who have a birth aligned with their planned birth method of choice have better mental health outcomes than women who do not get the birth outcome they had planned.

I’ve never called my ‘baby’ sister an idiot for choosing one birth option over the other. I am close to her and hugely value her. If she asked my opinion, I’d gently offer it but never expect her to “consider” MY views on HER birth.

It hasn't been 'ok'd by medical professionals' shes yet to see a midwife/ consultant

When she does, she will discuss HER options with THEM.

As a fibro sufferer who was terrified of an emergency C section for this very reason, you’re almost certainly right but it’s her birth and her choice at the end of the day. Also, epidural didn’t work on me at all so it may be that she has to be unconscious for a c section in the same position which wouldn’t be very nice.

I'll admit I dont have personal experience of a c section...I only have friends and family to compare, which is the reason I posted
..I naively thought that I would get experiences from women who had experienced it...I genuinely didnt expect the level of judgemnetal abuse everyone seems to throwing my way

Oh and I want a C section and I'm not even pregnant. I've researched it as it's been something I've questioned and thought about hoping a child is in my future.

Some people plan ahead. You don't have to be 8m gone before you think about your birth plan.

Most adult women have considered their options.

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

This is her right - not to change her mind. If/when it's okayed by the medics her decision will be reinforced.

You say yourself she never changes her mind.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I'll admit I dont have personal experience of a c section...I only have friends and family to compare, which is the reason I posted ..I naively thought that I would get experiences from women who had experienced it...I genuinely didnt expect the level of judgemnetal abuse everyone seems to throwing my way

Do you think it might be worth you being less gung-ho in your stance given that you don't actually have any CS experience yourself, then? I say this as someone who has done it both ways and not 50 years ago.

I genuinely didnt expect the level of judgemnetal abuse everyone seems to throwing my way

starting to understand how you make your sister feel?

You have given your sister your advice, but you can’t force her to take on your opinion. I’m sure you natural births might have been great and straight forward but that’s not alway the case.

Please don’t keep going on about it to your sister, its not fair on her. She is a grown up who is able to make a decision and if its the wrong one then its her choice.

Imagine if she did have a ‘natural birth’ and it didn’t go as smoothly you seem to think it will? How would you feel then having forced this opinion on ber?

"It hasn't been 'ok'd by medical professionals' shes yet to see a midwife/ consultantee a midwife/ consultant."

If she gets turned down for the c-section, I imagine you'll gloat and do the smug "I told you so" thing? You coming accross here like you'd be hard work to deal with irl.

Maybe your sister doesn’t want anecdotal judgements thrown her way. 🤷🏻‍♀️ On that note, anecdote doesn’t equal data.

Why is your experience of childbirth relevant? If you’re genuinely concerned for her health, the only thing you should do is encourage her to seek medical advice from those involved in her care.

I’ve only read your posts OP so don’t know what abuse you have received on here but...

I genuinely didnt expect the level of judgemnetal abuse everyone seems to throwing my way

I think that your attitude towards your sister is very judgemental. Calling her an idiot is not great.
Pot kettle black?

Tbh it's none of your business. She probably can't just choose to have a c-section anyway. When I had my twins the hospital said they wouldn't do one without a medical need.
I ended up being induced, was in agonising labour for 27 hours and had an emergency c-section. I'd rather just go straight for a c-section than go through that again.

That's my biggest worry....I had an epidural on my 1st and it failed...it takes 3 bloody lots of anaesthetic at the dentist for any effect. I understand not everyone has the same reaction but from what I've read it seems a common side effect for fibromyalgia. My sister hasn't had any anesthetic since she was a child and it seems alot of Drs dont understand or dont believe it to be a problem

I’ve had two and the emergency recovery is horrific. They operate while you are contracting for a start and the exhaustion from what was for me, 3 days of labour with a stuck 10lb baby, affects your healing.

A planned CS isn’t like that, it was the most serene moment of my life. I felt for the first time, that immediate love that everyone talks about, because I had a chance to feel it and wasn’t being brought back from the brink of death with that birth.

You aren’t her doctor or the owner of her vagina, so back off. Or she will.

I think even if your sister does put more consideration into her options after reading this thread, even more so she will have validation for that niggling feeling you have always babied her and thought yourself more superior (which again you would never admit).

I really hope she has seen they whole thread so she knows where she really stands.

Why are people talking about her being 'turned down' for a c section? NICE guidelines say you can insist.