AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

@CorianderLord

Bet you're not showing her this thread now OP

Or just selective highlights

All you can do is explain to your ds why you are concerned,as you have outlined,then tell her that neither your dm or you will be around to help much so she must make her decision knowing exactly what she is getting herself into.
But babies are a law into themselves and s/he will come where and when they are ready,not beforre,you never know what may happen.
Once she's decided though,let the matter drop.

Honestly I had an elective C Section and it was a good decision. Yes, painful recovery for the first few days but much less stressful than normal labour For Me. This decision may or may not be accepted by you, but it sounds like she has made it herself and everyone should respect that. Her mental health is very important in the first few weeks after birth and honestly during the pregnancy so this may be out of concern from you perspective but it sounds like undermining her decisions.
The other thing is the thread itself. Now you asked for advice. People gave it to you. Some you agree with and some you dont. There is no universal rule that everyone will agree with you. I think you were expecting people to only agree with you, no matter what you say about both sides.

This doesn’t quite tally with the figures my consultant gave me, he may have been speaking anecdotally of his colleagues, but this is an interesting read none the less:

www.theguardian.com/society/2008/jul/11/nhs.health1

Not at all....if she wants a section its her choice 100 % but I dont want it to be a decision shes made without considering all the pros and cons and has listened to other experiences and advice from medical professionals....I'm a firm believer in listening to experiences and opinions before making a decision. Its not just the birth she has to consider but the possible effects from the fibromyalgia that might impact her decision

From my post or my name do you know who I am or who my sister is??? I was under the impression that this forum was a way to anonymously ask advice??

Of course not - I really couldn't care less who you all are but the people involved may recognise themselves especially if this makes the national press. I do not know how long you have been on Mumsnet but people have recognised themselves here before.

See how annoying it is to receive advice?! It is rarely appreciated

My sister made this decision the day she found out she was pregnant, she was under fertility as she hadn't had so much as a day late period in 2 years. We had a conversation between myself, her, my mum and gran less than 3 weeks before she got pregnant and she hadn't considered how she'd give birth as she had convinced herself she couldn't have children...so unless she was lying, we believe her decision to have been made without her stopping to think about the pros and cons

I made a decision about what I was going to do before I got pregnant.

It took me a long time to be honest with people about a) when I decided things b) what advice I'd got previously

I was concerned about how other people would view me. It took a lot of courage to bite the bullet it and say it.

Regardless of the discussions you've had, you don't know how honest she was being in them and whether she had given it a lot of thought previously / got information before.

Given what you've said on here, I can well imagine she finds it hard to be as assertive / honest with you as she'd like to be. Once again about this family dynamic where you infantilise her.

And even if thats not true, why can't she go from one position to making a fixed, firm one just a few weeks later in early pregnancy? Is there some law against this? Or you just don't like it and don't trust her enough to make the right decision because she's made bad choices in the past? She'd going to be a parent FFS. She is going to have to make decisions without you ensuring she hasn't fucked up. She has a right to fuck up and make the wrong decisions as part of being an adult. Making wrong decisions is a healthy (and some times necessary) part of growing up and becoming an adult capable of raising a child.

STOP TREATING HER AS IF SHES A CHILD AND YOU HAVE TO MICROMANAGE HER LIFE TO STOP HER MAKING MISTAKES.

Back off and let her get on with it.

I've had two C sections - first an emergency which was awful. The second was planned as I had a v big baby (10lb) with a v big head.

The elective C section was calm and relaxing and the recovery time afterwards was fine even with a three year old to care for. My DH was off work for a couple of weeks helping and then I managed ok on my my own. I would go for an elective C section again (sorry I know this is not the answer you want).

YABVU.
She has waited a long time for this.
What ever her thought process on coming to her decision its none of your business.
You sound overbearing and controlling.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

If she has opted for an elective c.section and it has been okay’d with the medical team looking after her. How can you say she has made a decision without a medical opinion?

Also apart from your own anecdotal evidence from yourself your mother and your Grandmother.......... what other research have you done ?

And if her Doctor thinks it’s okay, what makes you qualified to know better ?

You talk about your little sister being a brat and making bad decisions. You had a teenage pregnancy ffs. Did she chastise you ? Patronise? Tell you that you couldn’t do it ? Or did she support and love her niece/nephew.

You might THINK you are doing the best for your sister, but you aren’t. Vaginal births are very unpredictable C. Sections aren’t.

The only truly misguided choice your sister has made is to let her decisions about her body be in any way up for discussion. It's surprising she chose to confide in anyone other than her ob. gyn. about this. I wouldn't have.

I'd say that in this case, the majority tone of the thread is correct. You're being overbearing. You've made your opinion clear in no uncertain terms; now it's up to her.

Also apart from your own anecdotal evidence from yourself your mother and your Grandmother.......... what other research have you done ?

I think possibly my favourite bit of the OP is when she cites her grandmother's CS experience half a century ago and suggests the fundamentals haven't changed much...

We had a conversation between myself, her, my mum and gran less than 3 weeks before she got pregnant and she hadn't considered how she'd give birth as she had convinced herself she couldn't have children...so unless she was lying, we believe her decision to have been made without her stopping to think about the pros and cons

So it is possible she had almost three weeks of research and decision-making...

Shes actually not your BABY sister. Shes a full grown woman. Who has been trying to conceive for years and probably thought about this an awful lot in those years of dreaming about having a baby. Shes your younger sister, being older than her does not give you any rights to "advise" or control her.
You're coming across as such a controlling bitch, I feel so sorry for her having to put up with you calling her an idiot for the choice she has made about HER birth.

I definitely didnt expect for everyone to side with me (I didnt expect the abuse but hey ho)
Her mental health after the birth concerns me....alot of comments have said about being up and about and driving after 2 days or whatever...but she is a very outgoing woman,.not one to sit at home ( if shes home alone the house gets rearranged so she hasn't go to sit doing nothing) if she has a section and can drive after 2 weeks that's fantastic but what happens to her mental health if her recovery is delayed and she has no choice but to stay at home, unable to do anything...how will that effect her mental health? And yes I know the same could be said for a natural delivery.

I havn't rtft yet.

"I'm sorry if you grew up without knowing you had someone behind you that appreciated your strengths but was supportive enough to call you an idiot when your flaws effected your judgement...."

How your sister chooses to give birth is her choice, not yours, and she's made it. She wouldn't be allowed a c-section unless medical professionals thought it was a sensible option.

You don't sound supportive at all, and your sister doesn't sound like an idiot. I'm glad I grew up without someone behind me who runs me down, criticises my valid choices, and thinks of me as an idiot for no real reason. Did you actually call her that, to her face? You come accross as judgemental, and really nasty, (when it comes to your dsis at least). It sounds more like you dislike her, and can't wait to have a good bitch about her/feel superior, than that you care about her.

Are you still going to show this to her?

Maybe when you asked her before she was even pregnant she though "I cant be arsed to have a hypothetical argument about something that might never happen with someone who's going call me an idiot and try to embarrass me into changing my mind just because she disagrees with my hypothetical decision"

And yes I know the same could be said for a natural delivery.

So why haven't you factored it into your thinking in the slightest?

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

How is major abdominal surgery better and safer than something a woman's body is actually made to do?

Because without it my baby would have died.

Mind your own business.

I feel sorry for all your baby sisters ( because yes that's what she is..my baby sister)

Unlike you, I see my younger sister as being what she is - a grown adult in her own right who happens to my younger sibling.

You've commented that most of the posts have commented on vaginal vs. section deliveries. However you've keenly avoided all of the posts that you are being nosy, judgemental and over-involved.

Your choice of language is very telling - you see her as a child that's not grown up. I feel very sorry for your sister, being pressured and lectured by others 'who know best'. It must be suffocating.

Jesus. How is it going to affect her mental health having to fight her own family for her right to decide how to give birth?! Think about that. She needs your SUPPORT this is not support. Can you really not see that no matter how many people tell you you're wrong?!

Hmm, wonder why your sister moved so far away?

I bet the idiot will look after her baby all wrong too eh?

I don't know whether her decision is wise or not; but it's up to her, with advice from her doctor. It is not up to you, other members of your family, and certainly not up to random members of an internet forum.

Not at all....if she wants a section its her choice 100 % but I dont want it to be a decision shes made without considering all the pros and cons and has listened to other experiences and advice from medical professionals....I'm a firm believer in listening to experiences and opinions before making a decision. Its not just the birth she has to consider but the possible effects from the fibromyalgia that might impact her decision

What makes you think she hasn’t researched all the options?

Read what your post above back. You are so controlling.

Your choice of language is very telling - you see her as a child that's not grown up. I feel very sorry for your sister, being pressured and lectured by others 'who know best'. It must be suffocating.

THIS!!