AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

I would never try and influence her choice

What exactly do you think you are doing, then, by trying to convince her it’s the wrong decision and asking strangers to pile on and tell her she’s wrong?

And how do you square ‘not influencing her decision’ with all of these comments:

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran

I've called her an idiot because she is refusing to listen to any advice, experiences (good or bad)

I was brought up to look after her and help her choose the right path....I dont think a c section is the right path for her...

Everyone is different. As an adult I'm sure she weighed up all of the pros and cons and came up with the decision that was best suited to her particular circumstances. Just because it's different to the choice you would have made, it doesn't make it wrong.

I've had elective sections in the past and haven't found the recovery to be that bad at all although I appreciate that's not everyone's expertise. Certainly by day 6 I felt well enough to do most things and by day 10 I felt great.

The distance is nothing (rural wales...its 10 miles to the nearest supermarket) it's the expectations my sister will put on my mum and this side of the family to step in when her husband goes back to work...hes self employed

Do think about your family's privacy - this thread is Daily Mail fodder

I didn't even know you could just choose to have a section! Thought it had to be for medical reasons

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Not at all...I have absolutely nothing at all against c sections...as long as the mother has looked at pros and cons for both options and made the decision from there and has had advice from midwives, drs, other women ect....my sisters decision made at 3 weeks pregnant before she had even had the pregnancy confirmed

Are you a doctor or midwife?

Elective C sections are absolutely fantastic - I was up and walking within 3 hours and was completely fine in 2-3 days. Breastfed without any problems and took care of baby in a house with four flights of stairs. It is utter nonsense that it’s always a nightmare - emergency c sections can be tough but elective is calm and controlled and the best decision I ever made. I would do it again without hesitation. I had no interest in going through labour and having the risk of tearing. It simply was not for me. I also read a lot of medical literature before making my decision and the conclusion was that outcomes were slightly better for baby and more or less equal for the mother. Presumably she will not be allowed an ELCS under the NICE guidelines unless it’s safe, and if she has been allowed to have one, they will have advised her as to her particular risk factors based on her medical conditions.

Why are you so invested in her choices?

I am also interested if u will send her the replies like u stated in ur opening post i suppose u dont

You want what's best for her? Well, you might start by minding your own business and winding your neck in. You're judging her decision, pure and simple. She might have other reasons for her choice that you are not aware of.

And if you would 'never not support her 100%', perhaps you might want to think about how posting about her on the internet to a bunch of strangers is in any way supportive. Thank god my sister is nothing like this.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer

Ultimately the request should be seen as a red flag for something. Its a sign that a woman needs to feel in control and for some reason she does not feel that a VB will give her that.

A lot of your post was very good, but not this bit. A woman might simply have considered the risks and benefits to both attempted VB and ELCS and have come to the conclusion that the latter are more acceptable to her. This doesn't need to pathologised. For all that tokophobia is a very real problem, it may not be about fear at all.

Also OP, have you bothered to consider the possibility that she might have reasons she doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you?

I actually think that HCP have a duty of care to treat a request as a red flag to establish if there is something underlying.

It is a sign that women need to feel in control and for some reason she does not feel that a VB will give her that in EVERY case.

Not every case will be down to tokophobia. Some women will be making a purely informed choice. HOWEVER the research into this suggests the majority have underlying reasons which really should be looked into.

The duty of care is to do this and establish which women are at higher levels of risk (due to underlying anxiety issues - which continue post pregnancy) and which are just making informed decisions.

That doesn't pathologise the subject. It means that there is a proper discussion about the reasoning behind the decision.

Doctors have a duty to do no harm and if you are having major surgery you need to know why someone is asking for it, even if the risk compared to a VB is minimual because it involves a doctor medically intervening. Its about covering their arses and good medical ethics being followed in all cases.

Where have I said I wont support her?? I'm not a complete twat regardless of what the majority of you think....I am a concerned sister who thinks her sister has made a rash decision without consulting medical staff (she has a history of this and then regretting it later) and although I worded my OP in a way that made sense to me, I actually wanted opinions from both sides without being called obnoxious, vile, overbearing ( 🤣 that actually makes me laugh....I'm probably the least overbearing person you could imagine...I get slated regularly for letting my 18 year old make her own decisions, unless I believe a decision has been made without all options being considered fully....and even then I will make my feelings known and drop the subject), a cow ( wtaf 🤷‍♀️)

My sister made this decision the day she found out she was pregnant, she was under fertility as she hadn't had so much as a day late period in 2 years. We had a conversation between myself, her, my mum and gran less than 3 weeks before she got pregnant and she hadn't considered how she'd give birth as she had convinced herself she couldn't have children...so unless she was lying, we believe her decision to have been made without her stopping to think about the pros and cons

I feel sorry for all your baby sisters ( because yes that's what she is..my baby sister) she knows I would bury a body for her but I will call her out if I think shes being hasty but at no point would I not support her .....thank you to those who have taken my post as it was meant and have offered advice and their opinions...those who have judged me I'm sorry if you grew up without knowing you had someone behind you that appreciated your strengths but was supportive enough to call you an idiot when your flaws effected your judgement....in my sisters case...the flaw I'm referring to is her makinging split second decisions, without stopping to consider all options.

I'd love to see someone change their mind on a thread like this...

Support her and don't assume the worst of her already. She may not even need help afterwards. Or if she does, so what?

It’s none of your business and your ‘protecting her from suffering’ spin into things doesn’t wash.
I had a ‘natural’ births and they were horrific.
I’m not going to go into details but with one in particular there was a great deal of ‘suffering’.

I’ve got fibromyalgia, I’ve had three sections, one emergency, two elective, had epidural and spinal block. I was up and walking 12 hours after each, extremely quick recovery with all three with minimal pain (on paracetamol only on day 3). YABU. Fibromyalgia is linked to mental health, if it eases her anxiety and worry to have a c-section then that would be better for her than worrying about a Labour and flaring up her fibromyalgia. Recovery is only as bad as you let it be. Leave her be to make her own decision.

From my post or my name do you know who I am or who my sister is??? I was under the impression that this forum was a way to anonymously ask advice??

You come across as very judgemental OP. Maybe that’s why people are being so blunt with you in here.

ITS HER CHOICE.

Stop being an arse. I am terrified of labour. I pass out when I'm scared and my heart rate plummets so I'm scared that if I get pregnant my heart rate will drop when I faint and my baby will die. So I will be having a C section.

Don't call her an idiot for her valid choice. You're not her.

My sisters would support me no matter what and I would do the same.

If your sister was having fertility treatment she’s probably had a long time to think about this. I might not be the ‘rash’ decision that you think it is.

What you are saying now RedToothBrush is different to what you originally said about how the request must be a red flag and is a sign that the woman needs to feel in control. There will certainly be instances where that is the case and it will need to be explored as appropriate, but if you suggest that's always true then yes, that is pathologising. No doubt whatsoever about it. It's vital we are clear that there is no one reason why a woman might want a maternal request section.

You do sound awful, to be fair. And you don't sound in a position to speak into this situation because you don't sound like you like her.

She could have a terrible vaginal labour requiring lots of support afterwards. It's her choice. If it didn't go to plan, you don't want that on your conscience.

If your relationship isn't easy, you don't have the right to harass her like this.

But you say she hasn’t consulted medical opinion, but in order to have this she will have to, and it will be between them to discuss and decide what is and isn’t okay. It isn’t up to you to call her an idiot. It’s down to her and her medical team to make their minds up and if they decide that it’s okay for her then it’s okay for her.
If her midwife and Doctor accept that she can have one, will you accept it and drop it? They will discuss it with her fully beforehand so she WILL know what the risks are.

I feel sorry for all your baby sisters ( because yes that's what she is..my baby sister)

Not necessary, I actually support mine in her bodily autonomy rather than arrogantly patronising her and belittling her concerns.

You pissed me off earlier, I voiced it, you ignored it. But think on this...

My consultant obstetrician told me that the vast majority of female obstetricians choose an electric CS.

A talking point, perhaps.

You make is sound like vaginal birth is risk free. It is swings and roundabouts when it comes to the risk of VB vs ELCS. Maybe it would make sense to read more about the actual reality before going off the deep end
www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg132/chapter/Appendix-Planned-CS-compared-with-planned-vaginal-birth

Gosh the things you read on here, honestly I am surprised every day by people’s behaviour.

This is just awful. Your poor sister. What an absolute lack of respect for her choices and total arrogance on thinking you know best.

😱

Bet you're not showing her this thread now OP