AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

Are you going to judge her parenting or just her birth choices?

She’s a grown woman.

BTW women who have had infertility issues are more likely to opt for a ELCS than women who haven't.

Just so you know.

2 sections, first one lovely, second a horror complete with infection and 3+ types of antibiotics. Natural birth definitely would be preferable to that!

You are coming across as a really superior and unsupportive big sister

I had an elective c-section. So glad I did.

You are so so so unreasonable

Sorry but I think you're being completely unreasonable, it's her birth, her baby, her choice. Also a "natural" birth doesn't necessarily have easier recovery. My recovery after an elective C section was far quicker and easier than that of my friend, who had to have forceps.
I don't recognise all this "couldn't pick up the baby" stuff. I could pick my baby up the same day, and was out for walks in the park within a week. After 7 weeks I was easing myself back into exercise classes. The procedure itself was so quick, done and dusted in an hour. It absolutely was the easy option for me (although that's not why I had it, there was a medical reason).
Let your sister make her own choices.

I had an emergency CS. I was walking around next day. Partner went back to work and I was fine. Thr crap part was being in labour for 5 days with no progression and being utterly exhausted and then trying to recover from a cs. Birth is a personal thing. For whatever reason in her mind a cs is the best 'easiest' option. So what- her body her choice.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

I would never try and influence her choice I just really want her to consider all her options before setting her sights on a c section.....its been pointed out about tears, ect as a complication of a natural birth but what about the complications she could have from a section....the way alot of comments are coming across it's as if there are none

So why aren't you asking for sources of unbiased information so YOU and her can read it. This is all about what YOU believe rather than what the ACTUAL risk is.

The bollocks you are spouting is not reflective at all of the NICE guidance on the pros and cons of VB v ELCS.

I had an elective. Walking in 24 hours and at home. Able to pick up baby as well and driving in 3 weeks. Elective is far better than an emergency.

YABU. You can't control your sister. You can try to be a good support to her by accepting her decision (not that it needs your blessing) and considering that she is an adult who will have looked into the options.

All births are unpredictable so there is no way of telling what would be 'worse' or result in more difficult recovery.

It's not unreasonable of her to want support from her mum either with her first baby. 30 miles isn't very far really unless none of you can drive.

I suggest trying not to dwell on it; and offering support if you want to according to your sister's choices.

Not at all...I have absolutely nothing at all against c sections...as long as the mother has looked at pros and cons for both options and made the decision from there and has had advice from midwives, drs, other women ect....my sisters decision made at 3 weeks pregnant before she had even had the pregnancy confirmed

Blimey what a pile-on!!

YAB very unreasonable. It’s not the easiest option, no. Ihad two C sections. One was horrendous afterwards, the other not too bad at all. Bit like the natural birth stories I hear from others. I’m aghast you’re trying to tell her what to do.

The more I read what you post, the more convinced I am that you see yourself as an expert on how to give birth and your sister as a silly little girl. You’ll probably be a nightmare after the birth too, criticising your sister’s parenting and dispensing unwanted advice.

No one is saying you're wrong to be worried or to disagree OP but calling her an idiot is horrible and you don't seem to understand that this is her decision and you are being incredibly patronising. She's a 29 year old woman for Christ's sake. I'm sure she's done her research and you have no right to be calling her names. You've said your piece now respect her decision and move on.

I had two straightforward, natural births and I can still understand women wanting a c-section.

She will have discussed options and risks with trained healthcare professionals so she doesn’t need to discuss anything with you or the rest of the family.

I would also be very wary of persuading someone to do what you want her to do in case she has a really traumatic experience and blames it on you. Also not nice to persuade her that surgery is such an awful option and then what if she she needs an emergency c-section.

I had vaginal births and both times baby and I would have died if we were in the wilds without medical intervention so a routine operation even with a 6 week recovery period is definitely an option to consider.

I think the moral of all the stories is childbirth is basically a shit show and short of a crystal ball no one knows what they're in for really in terms of sailing through or complications whatever way they give birth.

However, have you considered she was 9 years old when you were at home in slow labour for 5 days and what effect that might have had on her as a child? She might have been terrified, she might have been ill informed, she might have thought you were in pain, or at risk, or that something was wrong. Things like that can have a deep impact on someone. She could be truly terrified of the prospect of natural birth and the thought of a section is making her pregnancy a much nicer experience.

I'm terrified of a section, completely traumatised at the idea of it and my last was breech and having the section hanging over me for 10 weeks till he turned was horrific. Random spontaneous bouts of tears about it. So I can imagine she's happy to remove that ambiguity.

She may have fears you don't understand which make this the right choice for her.

You do sound like you need a course on boundaries. She's going to be a mother, not a baby sister. Let her be an adult.

I know zip about having a baby but I do know one thing - there is no way to get involved with someone else's choices this way without likely jeopardising the relationship. Even if she were set upon a fairly bad idea (I am talking about stuff other than childbirth - perhaps an affair), there is really no way to tell another adult what to do without them maybe resenting you.

The beauty of these forums is that we can tell you what to do and we don't need to worry about falling out with you

1. your sister will have discussed this with the medics already.
2. she must be under a fair amount of stress with this in front of her and during COVID too.
3. she needs the support of her loved ones, not debate, persuasion and haranguing.

I think there’s a chance that as much as you think she is being stubborn and not heard you, she has and will probably google the information and research for herself without telling you.

Either way, her midwife and doctors will know the situation so hopefully would advise her.

The amount of times you have called her an idiot shows how you view her, along with “baby” sister, and brat. It might be time you backed off and just be a supportive sister rather than a condescending one. You will say you are not that. But you should definitely think that you might be and evaluate your own habits with her.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Not at all...I have absolutely nothing at all against c sections...as long as the mother has looked at pros and cons for both options and made the decision from there and has had advice from midwives, drs, other women ect....my sisters decision made at 3 weeks pregnant before she had even had the pregnancy confirmed

Advice from other women is irrelevant. If your sister’s midwife and ob feel a csection is unwise, they will talk it through with her.

I had a c-section aged 29 and recovered faster and more comfortably than 2 natural births.

You sound arrogantly dismissive of her entirely valid and realistic fears, and frankly your ideology shows through with comments like women's bodies are made to do this. Of course she doesn't want to hear anything you're saying. You've given her absolutely no reason to. YABVU.

I agree, her choice.

I think there’s a real problem with people belittling and questioning women’s birth choices.

YABVU and a bit of a twat to boot!

She’s not your ‘baby’ sister. She’s your younger sister.

And your terror has no bearing on her decision. How did you recover from your C Section??

If she made the decision at three weeks, then she may still change her mind. Although after trying for two years, she may have strong views about it, having thought about it for some while. Her choice does not make her an idiot.

A good friend had a caesarian for her first (for medical reasons) and natural for her second. She preferred the caesarian and has said that in hindsight she wished she'd had an elective one for the second