AIBU to think my sister is being an idiot?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Ok so my darling sister (29) is pregnant with her 1st baby after trying for 2 years. Shes decided she wants an elective c section ...no medical reason...she does suffer with fibromyalgia but so do me and my mum (2 natural births each).

Shes made this decision based on
A) She's afraid of a long labour ( I was 15 having my eldest while living at home, was in slow labour for 5 days and 17hours active labour but my daughter was born stargazing which wasnt picked up until she was coming out)
B) She doesn't want to tear ( no idea where this fear has come from 🤷‍♀️)

My argument is that...

1. Recovery from surgery can take longer for fibro sufferers
2. Anaesthetic/ epidurals don't work as well on us either
3. She lives 30 miles away from us, near her husband's family and knowing my sister, she will expect us ( our mum at least) to be there every day ( mum has fibro, ms and 2 Foster kids of school age plus my elderly grandparents who we both care for)
4. With all the uncertainty regarding covid, she will possibly be in hospital alone for a few days after the birth
5. After trying for so long I dont understand why she wouldn't at least want to try a natural birth?

She's a nightmare to try and talk to and once she's made a decision (even bad ones) she wont change her mind (typically baby of the family syndrome - brat)

Just to add...I will be showing her the replies as she is refusing to listen to me, my mum or my gran (who has had a natural birth and a c section...50 years ago but I dont think the basics have changed)

AIBU to think shes being an utter idiot in thinking a c section is the 'easiest' (her words) option?

Sounds like you could be difficult to ‘deal with’ too! In any case, you don’t have to deal with her. This has got nothing to do with you. If your mum thinks one of her daughter’s is going to expect lots of help and feels she won’t be able to provide it, just say so now.

Sounds like your mum and yourself are treating your sister like a baby and want to dictate to her and follow your direction

Step away.

Jealous? How'd you work that one out? I lived at home until my daughter was 3 so I could continue my education...so yes I did have alot of support. She will have far less living 30 miles away...something that we have no control over. And seeing as this is a very very much anticipated addition to our family, we hate that we wont be able to give her all the support she deserves

Our relationship isn't an easy one ...she can be very difficult to deal with....I dont interfere in her life at all usually apart from when you brought a newborn into her life at the age of 9? Surely that would have impacted on her life and the attention she got from your parents?

I had a medically indicated caesarian following my consultant's advice so am not in the same position but having seen so many women suffer with ongoing issues from vaginal birth I wouldn't trust the NHS with vaginal birth recovery.

With caesarians the complications can be dire slightly more often than vaginal births. But the general case is temporary discomfort and restrictions on lifestyle. With vaginal births, so many women are left to cope with mild to medium severity consequences for the rest of their lives. The NHS does so little about things like incontinence and birth trauma I think a caesarian is a very reasonable choice just on that basis and there are plenty of other ways in which a woman might prefer the disadvantages you see in favour of advantages she sees. It's certainly not "idiotic".

YABU, her birth her choice

Leave her alone. Tell her you’ll support her choices. She has to make a decision which she is comfortable with and I really doubt any midwife will simply let her have a csection without a pretty detailed discussion. Maybe after 2yrs trying to conceive she’s really anxious and to her this is the best option (incidentally a very good friend of mine and a midwife who had to have ivf made precisely this choice). Also recovery from a csection these days does not take months and is comparable to a vaginal birth in many cases. If you carry on like this you really will destroy whatever relationship you have with her.

You need to let go.

She’s almost 30, and about to become a mum.

It’s nice you’re there to care for her, but she has to make her own decisions. Now is as good a time as any. Your mum will just have to tell her “no” if she can’t go over every day.

Also YAB ridiculously U for thinking that a c section will definitely be more difficult for your sister than a vaginal delivery. That’s an extremely uneducated, narrow minded belief. I’m not surprised she won’t discuss it further. You sound certain of something which nobody can be certain of. Where do you expect anyone to go from there, other than being your disciple or closing their mind to you?

3 vaginal deliveries and one emcs here

I’d take the vaginal deliveries anytime. My section recovery was awful

Our relationship isn't an easy one ...she can be very difficult to deal with....I dont interfere in her life at all usually but I dont think she has really truly thought about this decision (both her stepchildren were born via c section and at the time both parents were home)

Tbh you sound like a nightmare to deal with yourself. Most people would, at most, say their piece and then let the other person make their own decision. They wouldn’t team up with two other relatives to keep piling on pressure to make someone change their mind about their birth - an experience you yourselves are having nothing to do with. They certainly wouldn’t start a thread on a forum trying to get others to pressure a stranger to have a different kind of birth.

Whether or not you think it’s the right decision is irrelevant. Whether you think her recovery will take longer is irrelevant. Whether you believe ‘natural’ births are better than c sections is irrelevant. You are not the person giving birth. It is literally nothing to fucking do with you.

Stop haranguing your sister, stop trying to change her mind, stop pushing her to reconsider. You aren’t her health care provider or her therapist. You’re just a family member who can’t respect boundaries and doesn’t know when to stop.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold how would you have felt if you needed a c section.

Your attitude towards it is odd - you seem to see a c section as this awful terrible thing that takes ages to recover from.

You can have really bad c sections and you can have really good c sections. Just like you can have good natural births and bad natural births

Her decision I'm afraid. I was an elective section with DD1 - I couldn't drive for 2 weeks then it was up to my insurance company who said if I can do an emergency stop I can drive again, which I could.

Hours afterwards the nurses were surprised as to how quickly I was moving around and even said you wouldn't think I'd had a section.

Sneezing was incredibly painful but once I'd managed that it was manageable, as was sitting up in bed etc.

I did try and run the hoover round after a few days stupidly and did injure myself in terms of the pain so I know not to do that again.

DD2 is due in November and again I have asked for an elective section which I have been granted. I rang my new insurance company who have said with GP go ahead and an emergency stop again I can drive after 2 weeks. I'm fully aware I was incredibly lucky with my recovery last time and that this time round may he different, but fingers crossed it's as it was last time.

Good luck to your sister for hers

Oh - and I could pick up, hold and carry my own baby safely without any pain at all

I think it’s a valid choice. The risk of c/s with first baby is 30% in many hospitals, higher if induced. If she has researched the options, I think she should do what she feels happiest with. Most women go home 24 hours after an elective c/s. She won’t have other children to care for which makes a huge difference.
I’d support her choice fully.

I feel really sorry for your sister, Op. She's had to listen to her family refuse to accept her decision. Take a step back and support her.

It's absolutely none of your business whatsoever.

@MomToTwoBabas

Yes she is being an idiot. Leave her to it though let her be in agony for ages after a c section not being able to pick up her own baby. She wont do it again.

I had 3 c-sections...picked up all 3 of my babies and with adequate pain relief wasn't in any agony at all.

Her baby, her choice. (I didn't have a choice with all 3 of mine.)

She’ll just have to get on with it if you aren’t going to support her. Lots of people do it everyday without any help after a csection.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Jealous? How'd you work that one out? I lived at home until my daughter was 3 so I could continue my education...so yes I did have alot of support. She will have far less living 30 miles away...something that we have no control over. And seeing as this is a very very much anticipated addition to our family, we hate that we wont be able to give her all the support she deserves

She will have far less living 30 miles away...something that we have no control over. And seeing as this is a very very much anticipated addition to our family, we hate that we wont be able to give her all the support she deserves

Huh what?

How much do you try to infantilise her. Support she 'deserves'. It sounds like you feel like she MUST accept your interference and 'assistance' whether she likes it or not!

I think the real problem here is your inability to see her as an adult who might not need your approval (or indeed support).

Everything you post screams about how you view her as something that must be controlled.

Your use of language is incredibly telling.

You've not ONCE said on this thread that you wish to engage on what the risks of a ELCS are nor asked for independent unbiased information on this which you can look at and present to your sister to help allow her to PROPERLY look at the pros and cons, without your pressuring.

This is all about YOU. And not one little thing about her.

@Rainbowsandpotsofgold

Jealous? How'd you work that one out? I lived at home until my daughter was 3 so I could continue my education...so yes I did have alot of support. She will have far less living 30 miles away...something that we have no control over. And seeing as this is a very very much anticipated addition to our family, we hate that we wont be able to give her all the support she deserves

No matter how anticipated it is by you all, it’s still her baby and no one will be looking forward to it more than her. Please drop it and stop hassling her, pregnancy is hard enough without criticism. If she asks for advice then give it, if not, just stay silent and let her do things her way. Nothing worse than people telling you how to mother with unsolicited’advice’.

Dont be nosey. Be supportive and let her get on with it. You sound like a cow. Moo

I had an absolutely horrific c section and it's not the 'easy' option, BUT you need to let her make her own choice. Stay well out of it!
She's an adult and knows where to find information. She'll do her own research.

I wonder if you're still going to show her all the replies telling you to butt out and let her make her own decisions about her body? Or were you just hoping to rub her face in a load of strangers opinions thats she's an idiot and should do as she's told because you all have experience of having children and she doesn't so you clearly know everything.

I'm guessing you dont have a great relationship because this isn't the first time you've acted like she's an idiot and told her what to do. Back the fuck off and support your sister.

Having done both I would also choose a C-section, the recovery from that was far and away easier, quicker and less painful than the recoveries from my natural births.
I don’t understand why anyone would think that someone else should want to ‘at least try for a natural birth’

I had 2 C sections for medical reasons. Up and walking next morning. Not in agony. Laughing hurt ! Don’t catastrophise C sections. I am alive and so are my children because of them

I would never try and influence her choice I just really want her to consider all her options before setting her sights on a c section.....its been pointed out about tears, ect as a complication of a natural birth but what about the complications she could have from a section....the way alot of comments are coming across it's as if there are none