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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give neither child an en suite??

426 replies

HamRadio · 10/09/2020 23:46

Yes - first world problems I know.

My kids are 9 and 6. Two girls. We are about to move house and two of the bigger bedrooms have an en suite.

DH and I are having one. The other I was going to make a guest room/office. There are two decent sized bedrooms for the girls.

DD9 wants the en suite. She has been going on and on about it but I don’t want to give it to her.

Firstly, a nine year old does not need a bloody en suite.

Also, I don’t think it’s fair to let her have it and not DD2 so in my view the fairest solution is that neither of them has it (I feel like DD2 gets a lot of hand me downs etc and it’s an issue that I have become quite conscious of).

DH agrees with me but my sister thinks we are bonkers to make the second biggest bedroom a barely-used guest room and that it’s a waste of space.

Would appreciate some views...

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 11/09/2020 00:26

When we had the inlaws stay for 3 months they had an ensuite. If we had an extra one now and another child then the eldest would get it and the other child could use it when needed.

No i would not just have in sit there for guests (unless long term guests were using it)

HooseDilemma · 11/09/2020 00:27

We keep our ensuite room as the guest room.

Day to day DH uses it as "his" bathroom and I use the family one as mine. But when we (frequently) have guests it's great for them to have their own space. It's actually the top floor of a townhouse so even more private.

Just because we don't sleep in it, it doesn't mean it's unused. Because it's a big room, we can put bookshelves an armchair and a small desk in there, along with the guest bed. I use it as a reading corner and DH WFH there.

Could you do something similar? Ie it could be the kids bathroom, but neither of them sleep in the adjoining bedroom?

yolio · 11/09/2020 00:28

First World problems for sure.

No pandering to kids is my view, it is always my decision!

Sorry now, but If I am paying I make the decisions!

We have just the one bathroom with loo, but have a separate loo downstairs also.

Not changing that for anyone.

Ellie56 · 11/09/2020 00:29

You and your DP have already decided what's going to happen.

So tell your DD very firmly that she's not having the en suite and tell your sister to butt out and mind her own business.

Fungster · 11/09/2020 00:30

(It's common place in the US for kids to have their own en suite bathroom just an fyi)

Not where I live it's not!

Fungster · 11/09/2020 00:33

@TheSunIsStillShining

Nope. If I had 2 I'd give the same to both. I have one son (15) and he does have an ensuite which I clean :( But he only got it as that is the much bigger room and he needs living space whilst we need a bed to crash on at night.
So if I'm reading that right, your 15-year old has the master suite while you're in a small bedroom? Why would you do that, @TheSunIsStillShining?
CJsGoldfish · 11/09/2020 00:34

I wouldn't 'waste' an ensuite like that. I think it is perfectly fine for the eldest to have it. The younger dd will have a bathroom to herself for the most part as well.
Youngest can have it when the eldest moves out unless you want to do a room swap down the line to ensure 'fairness'. Not something I'd bother with but its a thought.

Vivi0 · 11/09/2020 00:35

We also have 2 en-suites. The bigger one is ours, the smaller one is the guest room.

I have 2 boys with a 3 year age gap. Neither have the en-suite.

IdblowJonSnow · 11/09/2020 00:35

I think your DDs attitude about it would seal the deal and it would be a no.

Its damaging when one child gets the most/biggest/best. In my family it was the middle one. She still does and me and my other sister cant stand her!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/09/2020 00:36

Does one or both of you work from home and need a home office?
Do you have overnight guests on a monthly basis?
If the answer to either question is Yes, keep the room as office/guest.
If the answer is No, then let your DD1 have it, and let DD2 choose her bedroom and use the family bathroom as her own. Girls grow fast and the oldest will soon be wanting privacy.
If you are bothered about having to clean an extra bathroom, then tell the oldest daughter "with the great privilege of an en suite comes the great responsibility of cleaning it" and give her a toilet brush.

katy1213 · 11/09/2020 00:37

A study with an en suite is great as you don't have to emerge and get distracted.

TheSunIsStillShining · 11/09/2020 00:38

@Fungster
Because we literally go in the bedroom after 11pm and come out in the morning. We live and work in the big living room. We have our workplaces, books, stuff in the living room. Only have clothes in the bedroom.
Son needs to be able to have friends over, has to have space for bed + workspace + books + clothes + games + drumkit + guitar and amp.
In this context I think it makes perfect sense to not waste a big master bedroom for the sake of just it being there empty all day so we -the parents- can say we have it.

Original poster
HamRadio · 11/09/2020 00:38

We are both working from home and will be for the foreseeable, it looks like. This has brought forward our decision to move - really needed more space.

OP posts:
TheSunIsStillShining · 11/09/2020 00:39

@Fungster
The fact that the bigger room has the ensuite is unfortunate for me, as it's the bigger bathroom with the space for things, but the other bathroom is literally opposite the bedroom, so not really a huge difference.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/09/2020 00:40

I agree with you. The only other option is they get that room for a while then swap.

DramaAlpaca · 11/09/2020 00:42

Stick to your guns, OP. We have two en-suites. One en-suite is ours, the other is the guest room or DH's when he snores The DC don't have en-suites and share the family bathroom. It works just fine.

LonginesPrime · 11/09/2020 00:42

Surely the younger child would then have the family bathroom (which is presumably bigger) to herself anyway?

I see why you might want to keep a nice room with the en-suite for guests if you have people to stay regularly, but IMO any luxury added by the en-suite would be negated by the fact this self-contained guest room is also an office.

Vivi0 · 11/09/2020 00:42

@IdblowJonSnow

I think your DDs attitude about it would seal the deal and it would be a no.

Its damaging when one child gets the most/biggest/best. In my family it was the middle one. She still does and me and my other sister cant stand her!

I agree.

I always try and keep it as fair as possible between my boys.

Torvean32 · 11/09/2020 00:44

Id keep it as a guest room. That way its equally fair to both girls. They do not need a bathroom for privacy.

pallisers · 11/09/2020 00:45

We had this pretty much (3rd floor bedroom with its own bathroom up for grabs) and we did as you are suggesting.

3 children each had their own room but shared a family bathroom, we have our own bathroom. The 3rd floor is a guest room and bathroom. Any of them are welcome to use that bathroom if they want - they never did. They are off at university now sharing bathrooms with multiple people of both sexes and are managing just fine.

When your girls are pre teens or teens they may decide among themselves to ask that one get the guest room and the other the room plus bathroom but I'd wait till then. No 9 year old needs an en suite bathroom.

Fungster · 11/09/2020 00:48

In this context I think it makes perfect sense to not waste a big master bedroom for the sake of just it being there empty all day so we -the parents- can say we have it.

I guess that does make sense, for some reason it just rankles with me that a teenager has "the best" rather the parents in a family I don't know and when it's none of my business. Well you are a kinder mother than me, @TheSunIsStillShining 😄

ineedaholidaynow · 11/09/2020 00:48

If you are WFH would you use the bigger bedroom all the time as an office? You said that your sister said it would be a waste to have it as a barely used guest room

shiningstar2 · 11/09/2020 00:52

If you give it to the eldest the youngest doesn't really miss oyutr with every one else having their own bathroom, the main family bathroom is basically hers. When they are both teenagers they both have the space of a bathroom to themselves. In fact the younger child does better than you as you will be sharing your ensuite with dh.

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 11/09/2020 00:52

If you do decide to give the 9yo the ensuited bedroom, tell her she can only have it for say 3 years, and the younger child then gets it for 3 years from when she turns 9. Fair's fair.

Also 9yo should have to first show she can keep her bathroom clean by cleaning the main bathroom in your current home say twice a week for an extended period of say 8 weeks. Otherwise you're just making work for yourself.

However, I would keep the spare room as a study and reading room and for guests. We have a room like this - it's lovely for guests, and we use it as a study four or five days a week so it is still regularly used.

FrenchOrGreek · 11/09/2020 00:54

Surely this thread is a pisstake. Whether the 6 year old, or the 9 year old should have the 2nd en-suite or whether it should be retained for your guests! You're taking the piss.

How do you think this resonates with the people on here who are often juggling food or rent payments, or how to pay for childcare.
I call WUM.