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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"you're so pretty" - weird on first day of college?

226 replies

spanielmum3 · 09/09/2020 18:31

So my dd aged 16 started college today. When she got home she got a text or an Instagram msg from a boy she was talking to, who is 19, and he said something about he was happy they had chatted and then he put "by the way you're very pretty".

My initial reaction is to say to her to be careful - she is flattered, obviously, but she does wonder if it is a bit 'creepy' to say that in a text after only talking for a few mins. I'm wondering myself - is that normal, or what do you all think. She said he seems nice, but obviously she only chatted to him for a bit and never met him before.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 10/09/2020 10:21

@LittleGwyneth

Whaaat? That is completely normal!
Agree
pigsDOfly · 10/09/2020 10:23

Just because he says he thinks she's pretty doesn't mean that he's judging her only on her looks, as some pp have suggested.

The 'by the way you're very pretty' wasn't the whole message by the look of it and is taken out of context.

Perhaps the rest of the message said something like: 'I love your take on Proust's writing and I'm so impressed that you are able to read him in the original French', or something similar.

As the OP hasn't been back for a while we'll probably never know.

MorrisZapp · 10/09/2020 10:28

In my day boys said they thought you were a 'fucking ride' and we dealt accordingly.

Unless your DD is particularly vulnerable for some reason I'd let her find her own way around the problem of a boy thinking she's pretty.

OhKnackers · 10/09/2020 10:34

I'm 27, so not early 20's anymore, but I still don't think 16 and 19 is weird. And I think it's a sweet compliment. She doesn't have to carry on talking to him if she doesn't want to, that's her choice but I don't think it's a red flag.

MrsMayo · 10/09/2020 10:49

@notsorighteousthesedays

It’s context though, isn’t it? First day at a new place is quite stressful anyway and if you thought you were just chatting with a fellow student about college stuff and you subsequently find out the other person was eyeing you up as a potential date.... it could be a bit creepy. If I am friendly to someone in a work situation I do not expect them to assume they can begin flirting. If I am out socialising then it’s different. OPs daughter should not have to feel judged on her physical appearance when she (a child!) is at college to learn. Nor should she be expected to accept/compensate for any perceived social awkwardness on a man’s part. Ever.
A lot of teenagers get together at college.
Ginfordinner · 10/09/2020 10:52

@pigsDOfly

Just because he says he thinks she's pretty doesn't mean that he's judging her only on her looks, as some pp have suggested.

The 'by the way you're very pretty' wasn't the whole message by the look of it and is taken out of context.

Perhaps the rest of the message said something like: 'I love your take on Proust's writing and I'm so impressed that you are able to read him in the original French', or something similar.

As the OP hasn't been back for a while we'll probably never know.

Brilliant Grin
notsorighteousthesedays · 10/09/2020 11:03

@MrsMayo
Whoosh!

RememberBlazinSquad · 10/09/2020 11:12

*In my day boys said they thought you were a 'fucking ride' and we dealt accordingly.

Unless your DD is particularly vulnerable for some reason I'd let her find her own way around the problem of a boy thinking she's pretty.*

God I remember back to those -wonderful- days when young men would tell me I was pretty. What a terrible problem it was to have, but someone had to bear that load... Grin

Honestly, this thread and some of the responses are utterly, completely bat shit.

I actually find it weird the girl mentioned it to her mum at all. No way would I be sharing that with my mum at 16 - I was quite happily off trying to independently muddle through social and romantic relationships all the while thinking I was vair vair sophisticated.

cherrybakewellll · 10/09/2020 11:18

@spanielmum3 do you have sons too?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 11:19

I actually find it weird the girl mentioned it to her mum at all. No way would I be sharing that with my mum at 16 Possibly because she found it weird and wanted some reassurance that her feelings were 'allowed'.

Many here seem to think not!

Oblomov20 · 10/09/2020 11:20

I don't think it's forward at all. No warm up necessary.

Oblomov20 · 10/09/2020 11:24

OP gone?
Quelle surprise!

DizzyPigeon · 10/09/2020 11:40

I'm pretty sure it's fake.

Post 1 - they chatted
Post 2 - they didn't

And as soon as someone mentioned that, op disappeared.

RememberBlazinSquad · 10/09/2020 11:42

*Possibly because she found it weird and wanted some reassurance that her feelings were 'allowed'.

Many here seem to think not*

She can find it weird if she wants. That doesn't make it weird.

Rabblemum · 10/09/2020 11:52

My kids tell me all sorts of things I would never tell my parents, generally I think it’s good but sometimes I’d rather not know!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 11:57

She can find it weird if she wants. That doesn't make it weird. Maybe if I had said it was weird you'd have made a new point But I have said, a few times now... what the boy is or is not is irrelevent to how OPs DD, or any girl or woman, feels.

RememberBlazinSquad · 10/09/2020 12:05

But the question was is she unreasonable to find it creepy, or was it normal behaviour.

She can feel weird about behaviour that is entirely normal if she wants to, but my response is that yes, it is unreasonable to feel that way. It doesn't mean that she doesn't feel it, that's fine, I acknowledge that. She can feel anything she wants. It doesn't make those feelings reasonable.

People find clowns creepy. I accept that they feel that way but it doesn't make clowns inherently creepy or mean that they are reasonable to feel creeped out by them. They just are. Fine.

bellinisurge · 10/09/2020 12:08

She's fine to find it creepy. You can find whatever you want "creepy ". You don't have to participate in a conversation with a person if you don't want to.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 12:08

But the question was is she unreasonable to find it creepy, or was it normal behaviour. Was it? I couldn't question that. If that is how any woman or girl feels about any man or boy then that is how they feel. Why would I undermine that?

A clown? Erm... oh never mind!

SingingInTheShithouse · 10/09/2020 12:13

I still think this is barking mad. I'm all for trusting instincts, but surely that should have been evident at the first meeting, not just because he dared to compliment her.

I wonder how the OP/her DD would feel if it were girls telling her DD that she was pretty, would that be presumed creepy & coming on to her too. Confused my DD gets a lot from girls too, but they are generally just been nice & I'm told boys often compliment boys in a similar way too. Kids are generally more open with this sort of stuff, which I personally find refreshing when you look at the damage bullying does

Namechange880 · 10/09/2020 12:14

Poor lad..... probably plucked up the courage to send that over a message as was probably too shy face to face and her mum thinks he’s being a sleaze. I despair for my sons future trying to form a relationship, honestly OP! It’s not like he sent her anything sexual. U sound a complete nightmare. Doubt you will be back judging all the posts saying you are unreasonable.

RememberBlazinSquad · 10/09/2020 12:16

I'm not undermining it! I'm recognising it. But feelings are felt in context. Otherwise there would be no AIBU, it would just be a forum full of 'I feel x, y and z' and everyone responding that it's perfectly fine to feel x, y and z, with no discussion around whether it was reasonable to feel that way or not.

And yes, that was the question the OP posed, to which most posters have responded.

formerbabe · 10/09/2020 12:20

I’m in my early 20s and it sounds a bit odd

@pandacub7. It sounds odd to you because you're not of a generation where chatting someone up or meeting someone whilst out and about was the norm. Everything is online now and I've heard lots of young people describe being chatted up in a club as being threatening and predatory...to us, it was normal

RememberBlazinSquad · 10/09/2020 12:20

A clown? Erm... oh never mind

Hmm
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 12:25

@RememberBlazinSquad

A clown? Erm... oh never mind

Hmm

Replace it with spiders, clouds, hot chocolate, striped socks.... and maybe even some people.

All found creepy or scary by some but not all.