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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"you're so pretty" - weird on first day of college?

226 replies

spanielmum3 · 09/09/2020 18:31

So my dd aged 16 started college today. When she got home she got a text or an Instagram msg from a boy she was talking to, who is 19, and he said something about he was happy they had chatted and then he put "by the way you're very pretty".

My initial reaction is to say to her to be careful - she is flattered, obviously, but she does wonder if it is a bit 'creepy' to say that in a text after only talking for a few mins. I'm wondering myself - is that normal, or what do you all think. She said he seems nice, but obviously she only chatted to him for a bit and never met him before.

OP posts:

BlackSwan · 09/09/2020 21:11

What difference does it make what we think? You’re not going to stop boys flirting with her.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2020 21:12

A bit full on. I would stay clear.

FFS.

Lolwhat · 09/09/2020 21:12

When I was at college 4 years ago boys would follow me on social media and then proceed to send me pictures of their genitals, I think saying she’s pretty is normal and just him being nice

FreekStar · 09/09/2020 21:19

It's a terrible time to be a heterosexual young man. It's a minefield out there!

DizzyPigeon · 09/09/2020 21:21

First post When she got home she got a text or an Instagram msg from a boy she was talking to

Second post they haven't even talked to each other

1/10. Must try harder.

Chocolateandamaretto · 09/09/2020 21:32

Be glad it wasn’t a dick pic!

greenleader · 09/09/2020 21:42

Not desperately serious but he is still objectifying her by commenting on her appearance rather than her personality or intelligence. Another male micro-aggression.

VytaminSea · 09/09/2020 21:46

I am in my early 20s so feel like my personal experience is more relevant than someone from a much older generation (where age gaps were considered more normal)

This comment is hillarious Healththrowaway199! Such wisdom! Obviously all us old people wouldn't know a thing about being young! Christ how 'old' do you think everyone else on mumsnet is?!

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 09/09/2020 21:52

@VytaminSea

I am in my early 20s so feel like my personal experience is more relevant than someone from a much older generation (where age gaps were considered more normal)

This comment is hillarious Healththrowaway199! Such wisdom! Obviously all us old people wouldn't know a thing about being young! Christ how 'old' do you think everyone else on mumsnet is?!

RabbityMcRabbit · 09/09/2020 21:56

just be that he fancies the pants of her and thats what he aims to do as soon as he can do it!
Ewwww, did you have to be so graphic?

Ginfordinner · 09/09/2020 21:59

Not desperately serious but he is still objectifying her by commenting on her appearance rather than her personality or intelligence. Another male micro-aggression.

Seriously
I think you are massively overthinking this. Are you saying that you wouldn't appreciate a compliment? If someone told you you looked nice today would you take offence? Would you prefer it if a man said "I fancy your brain"?

In the real world people of both sexes appreciate being told that they look good.

Healththrowaway199 · 09/09/2020 21:59

@VytaminSea

I am in my early 20s so feel like my personal experience is more relevant than someone from a much older generation (where age gaps were considered more normal)

This comment is hillarious Healththrowaway199! Such wisdom! Obviously all us old people wouldn't know a thing about being young! Christ how 'old' do you think everyone else on mumsnet is?!

Haha thanks xo

It’s just that I often see posters justifying eg 18 and 30 year olds dating on age gap threads that pop up occasionally and often referring to their parents who have been together for decades etc. Whereas I don’t think think that would happen today.

greenleader · 09/09/2020 22:06

@Ginfordinner

Not desperately serious but he is still objectifying her by commenting on her appearance rather than her personality or intelligence. Another male micro-aggression.

In the real world people of both sexes appreciate being told that they look good.

I'd rather he said he enjoyed my company or personality than jumping straight to my appearance. Not terribly serious but just general male shit I can do without day to day.

Ginfordinner · 09/09/2020 22:08

I know my 20 year old daughter would appreciate a compliment like that.

user1481840227 · 09/09/2020 22:09

@Healththrowaway199
People generally say it's acceptable when its their parents who were in age gap relationships because they've seen them as a couple...and they are their parents...so they are biased and not going to want to think of their dad as a creep.

Or they say it if they themselves are in one for the same reason, they don't want to think of their parent as a creep or as themselves as naive/vulnerable/less mature than their partner.

Apart from that age gap relationships are nearly always frowned upon!

InterstellarDrifter · 09/09/2020 22:20

Well age gaps are more significant when you’re younger. Like a 16 yr old with a 21 yr old is different to a 27 yr old with a 32 yr old or a 50 with a 55 yr old. Even bigger age gaps are perfectly acceptable if you’re two mature consenting adults.

rainbowunicorn · 09/09/2020 22:21

@JaffaCake70 that's not how instagram workd. They followed each other. It is how people do stuff. Nothing concerning just normal behaviour in the modern world.

VinylDetective · 09/09/2020 22:23

@greenleader

Not desperately serious but he is still objectifying her by commenting on her appearance rather than her personality or intelligence. Another male micro-aggression.

What utter bollocks.

SingingInTheShithouse · 09/09/2020 22:24

It's a compliment, probably to show his interest, yes, but it's not a dick pick or anything else sinister. Trust me, I've a very pretty 17 & this is very sweet & far from forward by today's standards. He sounds sweet

rainbowunicorn · 09/09/2020 22:28

Fuck sake. How the hell do some of the people on here ever get to the point of being parents. There are some real weirdos on Mumsnet that will literally see a problem with every single thing a man says or does. It is bloody pathetic.

TableFlowerss · 09/09/2020 22:33

If it was a 40 year old I’d be more concerned but not a lad 3 years older

MitziK · 09/09/2020 22:33

@BoomBoomsCousin

I think it's one data point for her to consider as she decides what she thinks of him. If I were your daughter it would make me think his main purpose in talking to me is sexual and that he may not be great friend material. Which is a good match if I'm looking for someone to fuck. But I would keep things cooler if I wasn't and see what he's like when he doesn't get his ego rubbed in return.

He is only 19 so may not have worked out that he can take a lower key approach at first, see how things go and then ramp things up later if it warrants it. But also, he is 19 so likely on his third year, talking to a first year student and could easily be quite predatory, just looking to add to his scoreboard.

Ha ha!

My eldest's father was 19 when I met him in college. He'd had one girlfriend when he was 15/16 (still a virgin, too) and not dated anybody since, so he was hardly looking for a top score.

Being told by a furiously blushing, skinny teenaged boy that he thought I was really pretty made a nice change from the regular gropings and 'get yer tits out' with attempts to get them out for me from the boys my age at secondary school - never mind the shit from fully grown men when walking down the street.

Ginfordinner · 09/09/2020 23:00

@VinylDetective you were more polite than I was , but I totally agree with you.

daisiesflower · 09/09/2020 23:17

Sounds like a normal compliment and to me he sounds quite polite. As for the age gap I don't think that's a big deal either, it's 3 years and it could be less depending on when their birthdays are. He might be old enough to be in his second year of uni but I think 19 year olds vary a lot in maturity and where they are in life

CatsFantastic · 09/09/2020 23:22

These days chatting on instagram and WhatsApp is the equivalent of meeting and flirting at discos/pubs/cafes.

If I had my way it wouldn’t be like but that’s a whole different post!

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