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Original poster

"you're so pretty" - weird on first day of college?

226 replies

spanielmum3 · 09/09/2020 18:31

So my dd aged 16 started college today. When she got home she got a text or an Instagram msg from a boy she was talking to, who is 19, and he said something about he was happy they had chatted and then he put "by the way you're very pretty".

My initial reaction is to say to her to be careful - she is flattered, obviously, but she does wonder if it is a bit 'creepy' to say that in a text after only talking for a few mins. I'm wondering myself - is that normal, or what do you all think. She said he seems nice, but obviously she only chatted to him for a bit and never met him before.

OP posts:
dayknight19 · 09/09/2020 23:53

@greenleader

Not desperately serious but he is still objectifying her by commenting on her appearance rather than her personality or intelligence. Another male micro-aggression.
Completely agree. Unfortunately, not many see at like this. I had these “you are pretty” countless times. It’s not a compliment, at best, a crap pick up line. It normally stands for I want to get into your pants. I am pretty certain some will disagree with me on this but I am simply referring back to my own experience dealing with many men (and one women come to think of it ha ha) saying this kind of stuff. It all stopped now that I look old having had a DC ha ha But I feel liberated not having to deal with it!
k1233 · 10/09/2020 01:25

I don't know, perhaps it's just me but I hate people commenting on my appearance. Always have done - it's nothing about a sheltered existence. People who want to get to know you just because of how you look really don't interest me.

So I can get why your daughter is feeling off about it - she is more than her appearance. It's up to her how she interacts with him going forward.

Kat19811 · 10/09/2020 01:56

It can sound creepy but it’s also sweet. It’s a compliment. It’s like when I see a pretty dress on someone or lovely lippi on someone I always compliment as it makes my day as well as the person receiving the compliment.

1forAll74 · 10/09/2020 02:31

I am old fashioned, and thought that would be a nice sweet message to receive, especially at the start of making some new friends at college.. Don't over think everything !

Yeahnahmum · 10/09/2020 03:27

Youve got a difficult life ahead of you if you already find THIS alarming...
😂😂

MrsMayo · 10/09/2020 07:31

@Yeahnahmum

Youve got a difficult life ahead of you if you already find THIS alarming... 😂😂
This.

He said she she was pretty FFS.

There are some men haters on here.

MrsMayo · 10/09/2020 07:33

@FreekStar

It's a terrible time to be a heterosexual young man. It's a minefield out there!
This too.
Rabblemum · 10/09/2020 08:14

I’m starting to wonder if any couple will get together without the internet. The problem is how are men supposed to talk to women in a complimentary way if everything they say is “creepy”.

Dick pics fly around, porn is getting worse but in real life the word “pretty” is alarming.

I guess context and body language matter here too and we weren’t there but it’s a minefield out there.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 08:18

If your DD thinks it feels a bit off, creepy then IT IS!

The number of posters trying to say she should bury her initial response is alarming!

What she should do is note her initial reaction and see how it develops. He may be naive, gauche or he may be too full on for her. Her choice, her decision.

And it doesn't really matter what he thinks. He can flirt all he likes, he may be the most lovely, thoughtful, caring boy in the whole school. She doesn''t have to like him, or his communication skills.

VinylDetective · 10/09/2020 08:21

If your DD thinks it feels a bit off, creepy then IT IS!

What nonsense. It’s pretty obvious she’s been given some pretty strange and extreme ideas by her mum. I very much doubt most 16 year olds would consider an innocent compliment “creepy” or “off”.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 08:36

Alternatively her mum has taught her to have some strong personal boundaries that she is fully entitled to defend!

And he is 19... she may well have been flattered by the attention of an older boy but it is as likely she was bemused, confused by it. At that age 3 years is quite a gulf of experience.

MrsMayo · 10/09/2020 08:54

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Alternatively her mum has taught her to have some strong personal boundaries that she is fully entitled to defend!

And he is 19... she may well have been flattered by the attention of an older boy but it is as likely she was bemused, confused by it. At that age 3 years is quite a gulf of experience.

I really do not agree.

He said she wa pretty. He liked her. He has not started stalking her. He was seeing if she liked him back. Poor boy.

Spinakker · 10/09/2020 09:03

This whole thing is weird? Obviously he fancies her ? If she doesn't like him she can ignore him or whatever. Not creepy though. Sounds like you've had a very sheltered life.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 09:15

I really do not agree. That's fine.

I didn't say he was anything at all! I did say his thoughts on the matter are, for OPs DD, irrelevent to her feelings. It doesn't matter if he is a 'poor boy' or a flat out creep. SHE gets to decide how she feels about it.

VinylDetective · 10/09/2020 09:24

Or her mum tells her how to feel about it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/09/2020 09:29

Or her mum reminds her she places her own boundaries.

We don't know!

SVRT19674 · 10/09/2020 09:30

This is ridiculous op. Call the police or he´ll be bound to have her on hard drugs by Friday...pffff (the bastard called her pretty, oh my we wil arrest him immediately, he must have a looong police record that started when he was six!) Poor guy.

MrsMayo · 10/09/2020 09:48

@SVRT19674

This is ridiculous op. Call the police or he´ll be bound to have her on hard drugs by Friday...pffff (the bastard called her pretty, oh my we wil arrest him immediately, he must have a looong police record that started when he was six!) Poor guy.
Grin
TheMarzipanDildo · 10/09/2020 09:50

When I was 16, 19 seemed very old and grown up actually.

LouiseNW · 10/09/2020 09:51

Not creepy, no. Embarrassed and a bit awkward.

sallyshirt · 10/09/2020 10:10

Not creepy.
Your DD obviously doesn't fancy him, otherwise she'd be over the moon to get that text.
That's fine, I hope she's not considering him because of the text now though.
If I had a 16 year old dd I would prefer her to go out with about her 16 year old.

notsorighteousthesedays · 10/09/2020 10:12

It’s context though, isn’t it? First day at a new place is quite stressful anyway and if you thought you were just chatting with a fellow student about college stuff and you subsequently find out the other person was eyeing you up as a potential date.... it could be a bit creepy. If I am friendly to someone in a work situation I do not expect them to assume they can begin flirting. If I am out socialising then it’s different.

OPs daughter should not have to feel judged on her physical appearance when she (a child!) is at college to learn. Nor should she be expected to accept/compensate for any perceived social awkwardness on a man’s part. Ever.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2020 10:14

I don't see the issue, he's clearly just trying to tell her he fancies her, what's the problem?

Nottherealslimshady · 10/09/2020 10:14

"You're very pretty" isn't forward, it's just a nice thing to say, he probably fancies her, but she's old enough to be fancied so whats the issue?

LittleGwyneth · 10/09/2020 10:15

Whaaat? That is completely normal!