My son is a bully and I don’t know what to do

[AshamedAndAfraid]

Posting here for traffic. My DS (12) has ADHD and ODD. He has always been difficult but we’ve raised him in a good, solid, happy home. Been married to my DH for 16 years, my childhood sweetheart. Lived in the same house for 10 years in an upmarket lovely area. It’s a happy, healthy home and our children have always been surrounded with love. Our two younger children are star pupils, they are kind and well liked. They’re sensitive and both have beautiful hearts. We’ve never had so much as a phone call from the school about either of them. Our eldest on the other hand is heading towards a very bleak future.

Since reception we’ve had nothing but trouble. Fighting at school. Breaking things. Being disruptive and rude. When he started secondary school things spiralled out of control. Detention at least 3 times a week. He is rude and disrespectful to his teachers and is very destructive. He has also become the most horrendous bully. He has a group of friends who come from rocky backgrounds. Two of them are known to social services. They are the kind of kids you read about on the news, the type of 12 year olds involved in stabbings and gangs. We have done everything we can to keep him away from them. The school has tried to intervene too. They prey on vulnerable children and make life hell for other boys at school. My son picks on boys who are overweight, he’s even been in a fight with a child with autism. On Tuesday he assaulted a boy on the bus. Punched him in the face because he had a speech impediment. I am so ashamed. He has been given a fixed term exclusion because he was in uniform and the boy’s parents informed the school, they want to report him to the police. Am I a terrible mum for hoping they do? I don’t know how else to get through to him.

I am scared for his future. I am scared for my future. I am tired of my other DS being assaulted on a daily basis. He has been pushed down the stairs. His brother broke his thumb over lockdown. I am tired of him terrorising our family. I am constantly being called an idiot, stupid, annoying. He has no respect for anyone or anything. His room has been smashed up. He breaks things for fun. Worst of all, he never shows any remorse. He often tries not to smile when we try and talk to him about something awful he has done. Like it’s all a big joke.

Where the hell did I go so wrong? I had post natal depression after he was born, is this my fault? I did get help. I tried my best but it was a struggle. I love my son but I also hate him for what he is doing to us.

He is under the care of a psychiatrist at CAMHS. I have emailed him to ask for advice. We have been turned down repeatedly for therapy.

Please help me figure out what to do. My DH and I are very aware of how bad this is and we are willing to do anything to make this better.

I don't understand why you've been pushing your wealth on us OP, with your persistence of living in an "upmarket area" etc. Bullies come from all areas, not just council estates.
But that's not the point. I have no sympathy for your child - I was at the receiving end of bullying at school and have zero tolerance for it. Please don't use your son's conditions as an excuse. It's not.
I would suggest taking him out of school and either homeschooling or enrolling him elsewhere.
Sorry if my post has come across a bit mean, I just cannot stand bullies and nasty children (nasty people in general really!)
Hope you get his behaviour sorted out. Must be a nightmare for you at the moment

OP I have no practical advice but my OH was an absolute nightmare as a similarly aged boy in a big city and his parents moved him to a rural northern town to try and curb his behaviour and improve his future. From what he’s told me about his young teenage years, he was still very naughty and got in trouble quite a lot but it took him off the very destructive path he was on. He is an absolute treasure now, has a senior job that involves working with/helping vulnerable people, is a great dad etc. So for what it’s worth, there is hope!

@JalapenoDave perhaps you should read the full thread? I can’t even afford to pay for private therapy for him, where did I say we were wealthy? Have I at any point mentioned council estates? Could you maybe point out where I have made a single excuse for his behaviour or tried to justify his actions?

@AshamedAndAfraid I sent you a PM.

I hope the inclusion meeting goes well and the school has some strategies to implement.

The police / criminal justice service will have a youth team but not sure what age they start. It's usually linking the young person with a support worker for discussions about what can happen if their behaviour carries on (ie you could go to prison if you assault people on buses). It might be helpful for someone to speak to him who he doesnt know.
It sounds a very tricky situation, I hope there is some support out there for you and him.

OP you are going to have to get very stroppy and pushy to get where you need to go with CAMHS and education. Not rude obviously but very firm.
As a SW the dc I saw with the best support packages were those whose parents made the most noise.

If you can afford it then I would strongly consider additional private support for him and you.

How did the meeting go?

OP - your son's conditions absolutely are something that makes his behaviour understandable, even if not excusable. There's a huge difference between a condition that makes regulating behaviour far more challenging than most of us could begin to imagine, and simple malice or nastiness. We had to take my son out of school for three years because of bullying. Even he recognises that some people could help it far less than others - the people he and I feel most bitterly towards are the erstwhile friends, who had everything going for them and who turned on him and joined in because it was fun. That's absolutely not your son. But bullying such a very painful issue for families of both parties that you are going to get some harsh responses, I fear.

OP you sound like you are doing what you can with the school, camhs etc. Your local youth offending team will have an early intervention/prevention offer which will address things like peers and associates and the long reaching consequences of some of that behaviour, including gangs etc that you are concerned about and are a genuine risk especially in London. Yes he has struggles managing emotions and reacts aggressively but he can with support learn to make different choices about who he associates with, how he wants to be viewed in his school community etc. They will have lots of experience of working with young people with ADHD ODD, the vast majority of youth offending cases I've seen have similar diagnoses. It's not a panacea but it's a different route to support. They also have weight with the level of camhs provision available to him and social care support if needed and most are social work trained (with a few seconded probation officers). It's not like adult justice services it's very much about the needs and support for the child to achieve better outcomes for them and their communities.

It sounds as though he needs a medication review as his adhd meds aren't working. There are several which can be tried. He may even benefit from a low dose SSRI as these can control anger and irritability.

Get a private paediatric psychiatrist if your NHS one isn't effective or you can't get to see them.

I have adhd and autism and my eldest has adhd and pda - meds are what have made the biggest difference to us.