My son is a bully and I don’t know what to do

[AshamedAndAfraid]

Posting here for traffic. My DS (12) has ADHD and ODD. He has always been difficult but we’ve raised him in a good, solid, happy home. Been married to my DH for 16 years, my childhood sweetheart. Lived in the same house for 10 years in an upmarket lovely area. It’s a happy, healthy home and our children have always been surrounded with love. Our two younger children are star pupils, they are kind and well liked. They’re sensitive and both have beautiful hearts. We’ve never had so much as a phone call from the school about either of them. Our eldest on the other hand is heading towards a very bleak future.

Since reception we’ve had nothing but trouble. Fighting at school. Breaking things. Being disruptive and rude. When he started secondary school things spiralled out of control. Detention at least 3 times a week. He is rude and disrespectful to his teachers and is very destructive. He has also become the most horrendous bully. He has a group of friends who come from rocky backgrounds. Two of them are known to social services. They are the kind of kids you read about on the news, the type of 12 year olds involved in stabbings and gangs. We have done everything we can to keep him away from them. The school has tried to intervene too. They prey on vulnerable children and make life hell for other boys at school. My son picks on boys who are overweight, he’s even been in a fight with a child with autism. On Tuesday he assaulted a boy on the bus. Punched him in the face because he had a speech impediment. I am so ashamed. He has been given a fixed term exclusion because he was in uniform and the boy’s parents informed the school, they want to report him to the police. Am I a terrible mum for hoping they do? I don’t know how else to get through to him.

I am scared for his future. I am scared for my future. I am tired of my other DS being assaulted on a daily basis. He has been pushed down the stairs. His brother broke his thumb over lockdown. I am tired of him terrorising our family. I am constantly being called an idiot, stupid, annoying. He has no respect for anyone or anything. His room has been smashed up. He breaks things for fun. Worst of all, he never shows any remorse. He often tries not to smile when we try and talk to him about something awful he has done. Like it’s all a big joke.

Where the hell did I go so wrong? I had post natal depression after he was born, is this my fault? I did get help. I tried my best but it was a struggle. I love my son but I also hate him for what he is doing to us.

He is under the care of a psychiatrist at CAMHS. I have emailed him to ask for advice. We have been turned down repeatedly for therapy.

Please help me figure out what to do. My DH and I are very aware of how bad this is and we are willing to do anything to make this better.

Oh my, it just shows how sometimes nature does take over. I also thought that maybe he is a psychopath, I know it is horrible to say but the lack of empathy, hurting other people including his own family, lack responsibility or care. It may explain why your son lacks remorse and he not like your other children.

Contact social services and also the police if he physically harms you or other members of the household.

Thank you all for taking the time to give me such constructive responses. There are some really good suggestions here. He is very sporty but sadly he refuses to participate now. He is actually extremely talented and when he was in primary he represented his school and the LA many times. It was wonderful to see!

@CatteStreet I’m sorry to read that you think I am in that mindset, it wasn’t my intention to come across that way. I felt it was important to give a good picture of our family and social environment because most people are very quick to assume a ‘bad’ child comes from a ‘bad’ family with a rocky history. For us, this is not the case. I know that issues like this can sometimes be because of environmental factors, I needed it to be clear that this is not this case with us. For me, that makes this even scarier. There is nothing I can think of that needs to change within our home. I can definitely say some positive things about him! Like I mentioned above, his is an extremely talented sportsman. He is very generous. He hates seeing me sad. If I’m having a bad day he will give me cuddles and will defend me if my DH has a go at me sometimes. He is wonderful with his little sister. He tells her he loves her all the time and likes to make her laugh. He is very smart. He is severely dyslexic but he is still very sharp and witty! He is completely fearless and is one of those kids that is just very good at everything he tries. He has a lot of qualities that I am very proud of. I try to remind him of that every day.

@Friendsoftheearth I love the idea of getting him into boxing! I just know he would love it. I can’t believe I never thought of it, thank you.

Just to clarify, my DS is medicated. This is reviewed regularly and we have tried many different medications. We’ve recently changed to see if the meds were responsible for his aggression. Sadly there has been no change. He also has an EHCP.

We are also thinking a clean slate would be good. We are in London and we know it is not the ideal place to be for a child with issues like this. I am actually viewing a house in Surrey tomorrow. A small village an hour away from where we are now. We’re doing it for him. I love where we are but it’s not good for my son.

You have all been so lovely, I really can’t thank you enough. My heart feels a little lighter because of you all. Thank you.

Didn't want to read and run - but suggest you also get in touch with charity SIBS. They provide support for children and adults who have siblings with additional needs, including meet ups. I grew up with an older brother who has ASD, probably PDA, low iQ and was regularly violent at home

I have anxiety as an adult because I realise now that I never felt safe as a child. I think you sound like a really caring Mum and are doing your best - but please remember the rights of your other DC to simply be safe.

My parents found SS would do nothing until they made my brother homeless essentially - they are stretched and underfunded so will only deal with the extreme cases. If you need help (and you all do) and support, that's the only way you'll get their attention.

I agree with others who have said consider another school. There are specialist residential schools that are usually only considered when all local options have been exhausted but I think you have enough evidence from his current school to say it isn't working for him. He is a danger to other children and your other children and is also a high risk of becoming worse as he gets older and having a bleak future as an adult. I would call a review for his EHCP, get an ed psych report and a chs report if you can. He may need a completely different approach.
It sounds very hard for you OP and none of this is your fault

Might it be possible for him to attend a school with a more therapeutic environment as a weekly/term boarder

I was going to suggest this. An ex-colleague's son had a dx of ASD and ODD. He went to a therapeutic boarding school in the New Forest and it made an amazing difference.

They funded it themselves though, and it wasn't cheap.

my violent child

Have you seen this tv serious featuring violent children and measures to counteract the behaviour? Some of the transformations were amazing

It may provide useful tips, or worth contacting the presenter?.

Op, I’m sure you are not a bad parent and I agree that it may have helped if the police were called.

I have a dd with ASD, she doesn’t have issues with violence but she likes to steel things that don’t belong to her, she was caught shop lifting whilst out with school but the police were not called, I wish the school or shop keeper had called them because then maybe it would shock her into stopping the behaviour (I have tried everything else) so i know exactly how you feel.

I haven’t read the whole thread so maybe repeating what others are saying. Is there anyway you can move him to another school? Maybe tell him your giving him a 2nd chance, get him away from the kids that are encouraging him to do these things?

I hope you manage to get more help, he sounds very angry and unhappy.

A big hug for you OP. I'm Mum to an ADHD / GAD (and awaiting a Tourettes Dx) son as well and I completely get how awful this is. Not only are you appalled by his behavior but you are also scared for him as you appreciate that he's not necessarily in control.

Firstly, this isn't your fault. You know that already but it's worth repeating. You are a good Mum and are doing your best for all of your kids. Secondly, you all need help and you need it now. Do you have a specific contact at CAMHS? I would call them and tell that that you are in crisis and that they have to help, and it's urgent. I know it depends on the area that you are in but I find that I can always speak to my boy's CAMHS nurse practitioner, if not his consultant within 24 hours. Call them, and don't take no for an answer. Likewise with the school - I would call and them and ask how they are going to support you. My boys school actually paid for private therapy for him so this is always an option.

Finally - and I get that this sounds really odd to the parent of NT children - give your boy a hug. Tell him whilst his behavior is most definitely not OK, you know that he's finding things hard, and that you are going to support him and will help him turn things around. Kids with these kind of neurological issues are not in control, and all the horrible punishments in the world will not make any difference. All that this does is reinforces their already negative view of the world and can create issues with self esteem. He's acted badly yes, but as his Mum you have his back and will help him figure out how to move forward.

I empathise entirely and send a virtual hug. I've been in this situation and I have friends with very similar issues. One is now down the path of continually reporting his behaviour to the police and making safeguarding referrals about their family to social services. You need professional help and for people to take the risk he poses to himself and your family seriously. That is the only way you get the support you need.

Look up support for Child to Parent abuse as well. The more noise you make with the authorities, the more likely it is that someone will take you seriously and give you, and him, some help.

I personally know the stress of the school's constant phone calls, the detentions, exclusions, short stay arrangements, threats and promises. I used to answer it with 'Hello, school. What has he done?'

If I had my time again I would have sent my son to a school where they taught him practical skills like forestry, gardening or working with animals, preferably a boarding school. Mainstream school wasn't the right fit - and it might be so with your son.

Good luck - and you are not alone. So many of us have similar experiences. I'm through to the other side and he's found what he likes to do and is doing well .... the road to this position is littered with the bodies of teachers and (hopelessly naive) social workers. Our family is a bit bruised but we made it! Yours will too. xxx

@Wakaranaihito you just made me cry. Thank you for such an uplifting message. I needed to hear it. I love him so much and I just want him to be happy. I know he is hurting I just don’t know how to help him anymore. He is so good with animals and nature, I wish I could send him to a school like you described. Weirdly, he treats his teachers so badly but they still like him. They tell me all the time that they’ve seen his good side and they know he could go far. A lot of them have a soft spot for him and just want to see him be well too.

@FanFckingTastic you are so right. Sometimes it’s the last thing I want to do but I know he really needs a whole lot of love. I’m off to give him a hug right now.

Move house ,get him away from these boys
Move school
Look at a special school for adhd
He has a ehcp .
So take him out of school ,inform LeA you want special school .get him away from those boys

I was going to suggest a martial art, which can be fantastic at teaching inner discipline and self-control. My DS has also benefited hugely from fencing, which might be worth considering if boxing isn't quite his thing. I hope you find the right help and support for all of you - it sounds so distressing for all concerned.

I don’t have children so I’m completely unqualified to comment from personal experience, but two things also mentioned by previous posters I’ve seen with friends.

First, my DP had an ‘interesting’ late teens and he said getting in to boxing was possibly what stopped him from being completely derailed and turning out really badly. He’s the loveliest calmest individual.

Second, I worked with someone who had three young boys living in north London. Eldest had ADHD and started to get involved with the wrong crowd, potentially drugs etc. After exhausting lots of other options, she decided to move further north to a quieter area and a different school nearer her family. She also persuaded him to sign up for cadets once they moved; they encouraged discipline but also do really fun stuff with the kids. She said both things have made such a difference.

Really hope things get better for you all. You are obviously trying so hard, I really feel for you.

AshamedAndAfraid you are such a good mum. I've experienced violence from one of my DC so I understand just a tiny inkling of what you have to deal with. So much great advice on this thread so I'm out of my depth there, but here's a big virtual hug, a cup of tea and some

I'd definitely look at changing schools. Are the 'bully friends' with him in school. He's only 12, you have a chance now before he becomes a teenager. I'd try and join some facebook groups, and see what advice other parents have who have been where you are. I don't think punishment will work. This might seem trivial, but I had a friend with a child a bit like this, and she used to take him swimming before school, she said it helped him get his anger out. And often she would bring him again in the evenings. I'm sure you've tried everything, but good luck X

Head to the UKCP website - search for a child & adolescent psychotherapist - art therapist/integrative therapist both would be good potential choices. They will have worked with many children with the same challenges he faces. It will be the best money you've ever spent.

Could you look at an alternative non mainstream school? If you're thinking of moving house, I would look at what suitable schools are out there, see if you have any chance of your son getting a place there with his Ehcp and think if you could move nearby.
It doesn't sound like a mainstream school will be a suitable environment or have staff that specialise enough to manage his behaviour.

I wouldn't let him get the bus whilst he is so violent. My son is speech impaired and the thought of him getting punched on the bus because of his speech difficulties makes me feel sick.

I would get in touch with the police to see what organisations or family support they can help you to get in touch with.

If you feel that he is a danger to his siblings, I would contact social services for support.

Normal parenting techniques just don't work with some children with certain conditions, if things are still bad with your son being under CAMHS on medication and having an Ehcp you need big changes in his life or new, different types of professionals to see what's going wrong and what can be done.

Good luck with everything, your son is very lucky to have a supportive family.

OK OP - problem here is the health and social care services are severely under pressure and you will have to push, push and push to get proper support.

So I'm afraid you will have to treat every interaction with school, GP, CAMHS, social work like a job. So write everything down and follow up, do not end a phone call or meeting without resolution making clear what you expect each agency / person to do. Contact CAMHS - ask for urgent case review, counselling, and more support. Contact social work - ask for support for yourself and your husband , plus support for your son as he is at risk and is a clear risk to others, there should be family support services available. Ask for school to be involved in all meetings so that there is a clear plan of action. Make it v clear you cannot continue to care for your son unless significant support is put in place immediately (not suggesting for an instance you pack your son off but you need to make them understand you are at breaking point). If nothing happens / changes you escalate - email your local Councillor, write to the Chief Executive of the HA, ask to speak to your MP. Put in complaints if necessary.

It is not fair you are being left like this and please, please, please don't waste any more energy blaming yourself. It is not your fault.

Have you thought about a PRU placement? He might find it easier to change his behaviour when he is not trying to live up to his reputation and impress his mates. Also a better staff/pupil ratio , so time to talk through issues and an emphasis on taking responsibility for his actions. Might be worth discussing with the SENCo at his present school.

I would be wary of moving to a small village in Surrey....they may have even less specialist support there ..and he may stand out more as the 'bully' especially as moving into an established year group...leafy isn't always welcoming.

Push for an ehcp /place review especially as he has now been excluded... depending on where u are in London there could be some local to you...one I know is the Cavendish also north west independent and Priory Lodge although that may need ASD diagnosis...

You are unlikely to get residential placement without social services support ...

It sounds like you have an unhappy frustrated little boy turning rapidly into an unhappy frustrated big boy with all the hormonal confusion that comes with hitting puberty.

Has he had a sleep assessment? Children who snore and have sleep disordered breathing conditions are much more likely to display the sorts of behaviour and self-regulation challenges that you describe. I expect you have heard the phrase 'so tired he's wired'. Children who don't get restorative sleep don't become sleepy, they become agitated and difficult to manage during the day.

I don't know about the CAMHS or medical side but if you think the police could help why not contact your local station. I used to work in police admin and know that the local beat officer (it might be a PCSO now) would visit if asked in this sort of situation. If it continued the child would be invited to come in, usually Sunday afternoon as it was quiet, and the Inspector on duty would give him a warn him about the dangers he was getting into, let him have a look at the cells and if the child was OK with it would let them go into a cell and sit there for a while. It worked for some but not for others. It was quite surprising how many confident bolshy kids were terrified of even going in a cell.

I don't know if all police forces are the same, or even different divisions in the same force but we did work very closely with the local community.

Good luck with whatever you do, it must be tough for you all but particularly for the little brother.

I also want to support the posts about physical activities like cadets / boxing etc. Some children find the classroom a very unnatural restrictive environment and it causes them stress every day, so they lash out in other ways. Physical activity can be a great way to counter that, as can something that gives earned responsibility. Finding something that he really enjoys doing and that ticks some of these boxes might be a real help.

@averythinline I hear what you’re saying but in my mind I just need to get him away from the temptation of city living. He is too free to do what he likes. He runs away from home and it’s so easy for him to disappear on a bus. I know how judgmental this sounds but I need to get him away from the kind of kids that he hangs around with. The boys he is drawn to are the typical impoverished, known to social services types who don’t have supportive parents or stable homes. The kind you are quite unlikely to find in a village in Surrey. He is just too easily influenced.