My son is a bully and I don’t know what to do

[AshamedAndAfraid]

Posting here for traffic. My DS (12) has ADHD and ODD. He has always been difficult but we’ve raised him in a good, solid, happy home. Been married to my DH for 16 years, my childhood sweetheart. Lived in the same house for 10 years in an upmarket lovely area. It’s a happy, healthy home and our children have always been surrounded with love. Our two younger children are star pupils, they are kind and well liked. They’re sensitive and both have beautiful hearts. We’ve never had so much as a phone call from the school about either of them. Our eldest on the other hand is heading towards a very bleak future.

Since reception we’ve had nothing but trouble. Fighting at school. Breaking things. Being disruptive and rude. When he started secondary school things spiralled out of control. Detention at least 3 times a week. He is rude and disrespectful to his teachers and is very destructive. He has also become the most horrendous bully. He has a group of friends who come from rocky backgrounds. Two of them are known to social services. They are the kind of kids you read about on the news, the type of 12 year olds involved in stabbings and gangs. We have done everything we can to keep him away from them. The school has tried to intervene too. They prey on vulnerable children and make life hell for other boys at school. My son picks on boys who are overweight, he’s even been in a fight with a child with autism. On Tuesday he assaulted a boy on the bus. Punched him in the face because he had a speech impediment. I am so ashamed. He has been given a fixed term exclusion because he was in uniform and the boy’s parents informed the school, they want to report him to the police. Am I a terrible mum for hoping they do? I don’t know how else to get through to him.

I am scared for his future. I am scared for my future. I am tired of my other DS being assaulted on a daily basis. He has been pushed down the stairs. His brother broke his thumb over lockdown. I am tired of him terrorising our family. I am constantly being called an idiot, stupid, annoying. He has no respect for anyone or anything. His room has been smashed up. He breaks things for fun. Worst of all, he never shows any remorse. He often tries not to smile when we try and talk to him about something awful he has done. Like it’s all a big joke.

Where the hell did I go so wrong? I had post natal depression after he was born, is this my fault? I did get help. I tried my best but it was a struggle. I love my son but I also hate him for what he is doing to us.

He is under the care of a psychiatrist at CAMHS. I have emailed him to ask for advice. We have been turned down repeatedly for therapy.

Please help me figure out what to do. My DH and I are very aware of how bad this is and we are willing to do anything to make this better.

It's outrageous that you've been turned down for therapy. You clearly need help. He doesn't really sound like someone who'd want to talk about his feelings, so I'd try a kind of therapy that has an element of play/action/making something as well as conversation.

At the risk of sounding reproachful (which I don't mean to be), your original post sounds like you think your family would be absolutely perfect if it weren't for this strangely misbegotten child. I wonder whether your son has the same impression: that everyone else in the house perceives him as a sort of nasty interloper. That is bound to make him very very angry. And, speculating wildly - has he maybe become a bit of a lightning rod? A default cause for tensions in the house?

He does sound terrifying, especially the grinning at the recollection of hurting someone. But it could reflect him being in pain himself, from the disapproval and rejection that he evidently constantly provokes. A sort of negative feedback loop.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better.

It seems your son is behaving as if he is suffering from developmental trauma.
You should not feel guilty as his behaviour is not your fault, but you are the only one (together with your DH) who can help him change it.
To change his behaviour, you need to change yours first. I am not judging here, but talking from experience.
There are people out there who can help, one of the best is Sarah Fisher with her guidance and the NVR approach. NVR is a Non Violent Resistance. Sarah runs online courses that you can join.
sarahpfisher.com/connectiveparentinghub/
And it is not only the course: you get an ongoing support once you join her FB group with parents who are struggling with the same/ similar issues. You can also join Sarah's hub , with paid membership, for more personal guidance and support.
SS may refer you and pay for the course, or if you have means, and can't wait for a referral, you may decide to pay it yourself.
In my experience it is worth every penny.
The sooner you do it, the better for everyone involved.
Good luck.

@Friendsoftheearth

oak I think evidence of the odd amount of occasional drug use at a hunt ball is slightly different to organised crime and gang culture tbh

This wasn't at a hunt ball but local teens....Didn't want to be too 'outing' as to specific location... but there is plenty of dealing in these areas.

Have you tried equine therapy through RDA?

https://www.rda.org.uk/rda-groups/

I’d send him to a specialist boarding school and never look back. Not fair for one person to make everyone else’s lives a misery.

Get him into a boxing gym if he likes fighting.

It'll teach him discipline and confidence.

He might be good at it.

That sounds very tough and it also sounds like you are doing your very best. I wonder if you could get him into boxing, I watched a programme about unhappy / aggressive children channelling their emotions into boxing once and the results were amazing.

I'm just popping in to this thread to share my experiences as there are parralels although my boys are young adults now.
DS1 has ADHD and PDA traits, he developed a deep aversion to my middle son who had ASD and was violent towards him (not always just when he had a meltdown) at about 11/12, basically when puberty started. I managed to get some family therapy from CAMHS using DS2s vulnerability as leverage. To be honest, DS1 did not cooperate in the therapy but he was very embarrassed about his behaviour being under scrutiny from people outside the family and he ruined it in. We also got him a cat which helped bring out his gentle side and he took up athletics and then, even better rugby, (he liked the controlled aggressive side of it). He still struggled at school and did not do very well but at 22 a and finally on meds he is starting to male his way in the world and is much less confrontational.
His youngest brother is 16 and has also just been dx with ADHD, a very creative, fun child, popular with teachers but struggling with academics, he seemed to develop a problem with impulse control, usually confined to weird haircuts, spending money on daft things and a worrying succesion of girlfriends at one point, but this summer (he didnt take his meds every day as not at school) he was supplied LSD by an off the rails lad of 15 (whose story sounds a bit like your son's, nice family dodgy friends). His first and last experience and he ended up arrested and cuffed in the back of a police van, and had an official warning for disorderly conduct on his record. We live in one of the nicest villages in Scotland, no gangs here, no ability to get into town unsupervised but he still did a very stupid thing because he was bored and thought it would be cool and drugs are avaliable everywhere. He has now scared himself straight thankfully and is coping better with schoolwork thanks to the meds.
It has not been easy having three kids, none of whom are NT, i wish they had all been diagnosed earlier, but it is getting easier. DS1 has a lovely girlfriend and is at FE college! He still struggles to spend time with DS2, his ASD quirkiness "triggers" DS1, but he just takes himself off with no fuss now.
My view on your plans:
Therapy did not work for any of mine, DS1 had the family therapy and then attempted CBT for social anxiety later, he found it deeply cringy, it may work better for you but don't count on it too much.
DS1 found sport helpful, the more physical the better and would have loved boxing.
DS1 tried military life by joining the navy, he managed basic training but he nearly had a nervous breakdown and had to leave, to hard being disciplined all the time.
Animals are good, DS1 has always wanted a dog, we compromised on cats. He loves spending time on friends farms.
Rural living can be good but hard with teens due to boredom and smaller choice of friends, didn't protect DS3 from exposure to drugs but did hold it off to 16 (actually 15 would have been better he wouldnt have got a criminal record).
Peer pressure is very important, get him in a school with positive peers.

This is a bit long and waffly, happy to answer any questions.

Sorry, lots of typos, didn't have glasses on.

Early intervention is key. The level of violence he has reached from reception will be hard to undo.
It isn't fair on his siblings my nephew has the same diagnosis he violently beat his siblings and DM over the year.
Sil tried everything counselling nutrition the whole family rallied around him constantly he is in and out of prison now his siblings are in university I don't think they'll ever have peace he enjoys destructive behaviour he gets released terrorises them then gets locked up again.
Apparently he is a model prisoner.

My son was attacked by a bully at 12 it was awful I obviously reported him to the police. Your son should be reported it might get him to see sense. One punch could kill. That is serious.

Just wanted to share my experience as the sibling of a boy who sounds similar to yours at the moment.

I wish my parents had acknowledged to me that they really understood how terribly difficult it was for me, that they were going to do everything in their power to keep me safe just as much as they were going to do everything in their power to help him.

I often felt (and was later told I was correct) that I was sacrificed a bit as giving in to him was easier than listening to my needs. Better to prevent him having a violent meltdown than to back me up sort of thing. I was basically bullied continually in my own home and while my parents were totally out of my depth (and my mum is me favourite person in the world still!) it left me with a lot of baggage.

When he was 16 they were told it was not safe for him to live in our home any longer as I was being hurt. They chose to protect him by keeping him living with us. Nowadays maybe things would be different perhaps but I remember being about 12 and thinking fuck, he’s going to kill me one day. I’m not saying your other kids necessarily feel anything close to that now but please make sure they know you are not and will never minimise your sons actions and the impact on them as well as you.

I feel for you so much, you sound lovely and a great mum - nobody is equipped for some of the things life throws at us. But you must push, push and push for more help and support before he does something that will have a longer lasting impact on him or someone else.

@ThreeLocusts I wish I could say my family would otherwise be perfect but it’s just not true. My second DS is also severely dyslexic and has an EHCP. He also has significant SEN but we don’t have the behaviour issues. My little girl is currently being assessed for dyslexia and dyscalculia. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have awful PTSD from something that happened to me a few years ago. God knows we are very far from perfect. We just do the best that we can.

@Wbeezer thank you so much for all of that info. I am going to look into getting him into boxing today. He already plays rugby and is very good at it! It’s so funny that you mentioned weird haircuts! My son has a thing for terrible haircuts too. Peer pressure is a major contributing factor in his life. We hear ‘but he told me to’ or ‘he dared me to’ almost on a daily basis. It’s very worrying. His friends know that he will pretty much do whatever he is dared to do which of course gets him into a lot of trouble.

@newnameforthis123 thank you for sharing that with me. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through. I worry about my other son so much. He is becoming so disconnected from the family because he doesn’t want to be here. I see it already. He is a different child when his brother isn’t around. It breaks my heart. I am willing to look at boarding schools but I need his current school to say they can no longer meet his needs before the LA will consider it. Hopefully after this exclusion they will be willing to finally admit it.

His meds aren't working, you need a review with the vision to increase the dose or swap to a different one altogether. Kids can built tolerances to adhd meds and need to swap. What one is he taking for his adhd?

We have private medication reviews and the nhs prescribe, I would look into that op.

Camhs were rubbish with us, everything took absolutely forever. it took 2 private medication review appointments and my son is on the correct dose.

This isn't the behaviour of a happy child........ I'd push and push for a specialist school with staff who know what they're doing.

You'll have to make yourself heard, be a massive nuisance and get his current school onside but the results could well save his future and any chance of becoming a decent adult.

Regarding the ADHD meds they made my dd very aggressive.

She's on sertraline now, bearing in mind anxiety is often the root cause of difficult behaviour that makes sense. But the aggressive behaviour is almost ingrained now, the worst thing we ever did was allowing dd to try ritalin ((medikinet))

Bit radical, but sometimes a complete change of environment helps. Is there a (strong) relative (ie not someone harsh but not a cosy grandma he'd walk all over) he could stay with? Someone with a trade he could learn? School might not be the right place for him.

Op.. I could have written this post. Currently my ds is still at home watching everybody else return to school. At the age of 13 he has been excluded from 3 schools and has only just been given an EHCP. And even then not one school has a place for him.
Mainstream school will never work for him. I have had to concede that. Even when he had to attend the PRU I got phone calls every day to go and collect him.

He has wrecked the house and my car so many times, nothing works for him whether it be sanctions or rewards,the police have been called twice, his sister says she hates him.

He is on medication which suppresses his appetite completely and he now refuses to take it anyway. He makes friends easily but they soon drop away when he acts inappropriately.

Yesterday I realised he had been in my bedroom and stolen £40 from my jewellery box to buy rubbish from the corner shop.

It is relentless and exhausting and drains you. I really feel for you op.

Sadly CAMHS may not be commissioned to provide the type of support your son needs - and therapy isn't a magic wand if someone doesn't want to engage in it. The suggestion of Youth Offending may be useful, to see if they provide any work relating to anger etc for those at risk of becoming an offender.

Don't lose hope.
My heart goes out to you, it must be horrific.
One thing I would definitely be considering is to take him out of school altogether. It's doing him no favours, he's achieving nothing and is mixing with kids who are bringing out the worst in him.
How was he in lockdown?
I think he my benefit from 1:1 time with a mentor, maybe skills based stuff.
I have ADHD and am a nurse practitioner, so all is not lost, and he is still so young so things CAN get better. But you need to look completely outside the box in order to help him x

Home education might be something to consider. I'm very active in home education groups and have met many kids who have come out of school for all sorts of reasons, including children who have difficulty with impulse control. School is a challenging environment. There are numerous opportunities to make bad choices, and insufficient oversight from loving adults who know your son well and have the time and knowledge to intervene effectively.

It sounds like you have a close and loving relationship with your boy and he has a lot going for him. If you had him with you for many hours a day while your other children are out at school, you'd be able to build on that with plenty of individual attention. Sibling relationships often improve after a troubled child leaves school. Because that child is getting his needs met better during the daytime, he may be calm and happy enough to treat his siblings better after school.

With school out of the equation, he'd also have more opportunities to do the things which make him happy, which he's good at and which give him pride in himself. He could have a pet of his own or walk a neighbour's dog. He might want to take up more sports and be outdoors more.

Socialising with other kids doesn't have to go out the window if your son leaves school. You'll be able to manage it better by choosing the particular environments where he has the best chance of succeeding socially. He might get on well volunteering alongside adults in a green gym, or helping younger children. You can watch him to see how he gets on in each setting, and either give him extra coaching if he needs it, or try a different setting instead. Perhaps he can have one friend over at a time to play video games and you can be there in the background observing his behaviour and intervening if things get out of hand. If you can lower the demands on him, he'll have more experiences of success, which creates a positive cycle.

I’m sure you’ll know this from your husband but don’t underestimate the importance of his dyslexia. Some of the most angry and violent teens I knew were dyslexic, and not getting anything like the help they needed. School was hell for them, they felt stupid either because teachers said so or because others made them feel so. One guy even used to smash the house him and hit his mum etc.

If it’s any comfort many of them pulled it together once they’d got through middle teens, the very violent boy is now an adult with his own business who has a family of his own and a close relationship with his parents/siblings. He ended up leaving school early and getting into a trade and he has his own van now etc. School, as you know, is not the be all and end all.

I don’t know what your husband does but some of my dyslexic friends are graphic designers, work with horses, one even teaches kids with special behavioural needs (didn’t see that one coming!)

What I’m saying is (On top of the things people are suggesting may help now) maybe your son needs to try and think about getting through the next few years as happily and safely as possible and then having an adulthood to look forward to. He could be an apprentice in 4 years or even less. He will have independence and never have to be ok a school bus or classroom again.

One other possibly pointless thing I noticed - he’s at a boy’s school? Maybe consider mixed because even though it’s not a recipe for tranquility (I went to a mixed school and got into fights) at least it’s not a totally macho atmosphere. He relates better to girls as you’ve noticed. Maybe he’d like some female friends at school.

I don't know if this would be any help OP, but Kooth.com offers free online therapy to under 18's. Good luck & I hope things improve.

Thanks again to everyone for the lovely replies! I am going to look into all of your suggestions. I am very annoyed at the school, yesterday was pretty much a day off for my DS. They were meant to send inclusion class work for him but no one bothered to upload it. I emailed them three times to ask where it was and no one even responded. CAMHS haven’t even bothered to acknowledge the email I sent on Wednesday morning. I really am alone in this. We have his reintegration meeting this morning. Fingers crossed they have some constructive suggestions moving forward!