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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

261 replies

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:17

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

OP posts:
heymacaroner · 09/09/2020 10:17

My DSis has twin boys and she's expressed the same concerns to me in the past. I've always called them 'they boys' and she does too.
They are non-identical though so look quite different to one another as well as having very different personalities. Makes it easier not to think of them as 'the twins'.
DSis and I are what some call Irish twins - i.e. have less than a year age gap between us. As children some members of the family treated us as twins (e.g. always buying us identical birthday and christmas presents, encouraging my mum to dress us the same, assuming if one liked something then the other did too etc.
I'm very close with my DSis but I did find the constant comparison hard as a child. Especially because I reached puberty a bit earlier than her and people started to refer to her as a tomboy and skinny vs me...presumably the podgy one Grin. Incidentally I did have an eating disorder through my teens though I don't think you can ever identify any sole cause of that.
I don't think you're being precious OP, any parent would want their child to be treated as an individual.

nestisflown · 09/09/2020 10:19

@Iamanaubergine

YANBU. I have twin girls and my MIL refers to them as ‘the twins’ and it drives me bonkers. They’re still quite young but they don’t like it being emphasised that they are twins especially as they are non identical.

I do think it is different to calling them girls and I will happily refer to them as ‘the girls’. Saying ‘the twins’ just seems to mark them out as ‘other’.

But that’s the whole point of using a collective noun- to mark them out. I agree that you should call them the girls if that makes you more comfortable. But imagine you have a third girl, what will you use to refer to your twin girls? Because there are many moments when you’ll only be referring to the twins - I.e the twins are starting school, or can you take the twins to the park etc? I feel that strategy only works if you don’t have another child the same sex as your twins.
sallyshirt · 09/09/2020 10:20

@Twintoo

Twin here, I hate " the twins" (so did my mum) My parents referred to us as "the girls" which IMO is different because it didnt define us as any different from any other same gender siblings. *

The worst thing is people (teachers and older people generally) not even trying to distinguish who was who, even with very different hairstyles, and sometimes even when one of us had moved away!!!

*we both still had eating disorders though Confused

What a strange username to pick if you don't like to be referred to as a Twin?
BumholeJ · 09/09/2020 10:20

Hmm wow I’ve heard it all now. I have twin sisters and this has never ever been mentioned or raised as even a minor potential issue! They are twins?!

They didn’t like (& weren’t) dressed ever in matching clothes growing up though so maybe this inherently provided more individualism which meant that policing factual speech/terminology around them was never required.

daisyjgrey · 09/09/2020 10:20

We have two boys and a girl. They are "the boys" and collectively, "the kids". You don't have a cats chance in hell of enforcing this.

ekidmxcl · 09/09/2020 10:21

Forget it.
People refer to their kids as
The girls
The boys
The kids
Whatever
The twins is really not so different to the above
Plus generally when people make these references, they aren’t in the presence of the children.

LolaSmiles · 09/09/2020 10:22

It sounds like you're doing some serious generalising from what you've read. If someone said to me not to call their children twins/girls/boys/kids/the brood etc and told me to list them by name to avoid causing eating disorders then I'd be fighting not to roll my eyes to the back of my head.

Surely what matters is knowing them as individuals, paying attention to their interests, not dressing them matchy matchy, not assuming they like and dislike the same things etc? If people are treating them as individuals, not as a pair/single entity then trying to police how people refer to them when speaking about them seems petty to me.

GreyishDays · 09/09/2020 10:22

I think you have a point, but I don’t think you can affect how other people describe them. You could maybe mention how you do it and close family might take it on board.

I have a girl and two boys and it pisses me off that we get ‘How’s Ellie?’ and then ‘and the boys?’ like they’re one mass because their sex. I always call them ‘Ben and Thomas’ if I have to talk about them together.

(Not real names.)

daisychain1620 · 09/09/2020 10:23

But they are twins, yes different individual people but twins nonetheless. I agree it's no different than saying the boys or the kids or the girls. Whenever someone refers to 'the kids' they don't think they're all one with no individuality and I assume that no one thinks your two are not individuals. But I do understand that when something grates on you the more you notice it. If it were me I'd say to my family and close friends that it winds me up but to the rest of the world I think you just need to shrug it off.

Palavah · 09/09/2020 10:24

Of course you're not unreasonable to ask

Mollyboom · 09/09/2020 10:26

Don't sweat the small stuff. I call mine the twins, as does everyone else but they both have totally different personalities.

Scbchl · 09/09/2020 10:26

I call my younger kids the wee ones, I call my daughters the girls.. what difference is there calling them collectively the twins to me calling my children collectively something else. Surely when people are talking of them individually they will use their names like I do when talking of my children individually?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 09/09/2020 10:27

I have a large number of sisters and no brothers and absolutely hated being referred to as "the girls", "your girls"or my mother choosing to call us from a distance by trilling "gurls!"... However it is absolutely inevitable that everyone will use a collective noun for a pair or group of siblings, whether it's "the twins", "the girls/ boys" or just "the children/ kids".

It's a more focused issue with twins but happens with every sibling group especially if close in age and often together.

I have two teens and a pre teen and the older two have been refered to as "the big kids" to differentiate them from the slightly younger one for years...

missnevermind · 09/09/2020 10:28

This was good to think about.
My youngest 2 are a boy and girl. Collectively I call them the kids. They have 2 older brothers 10 years older than them who I call the boys. The youngest son is not included in this grouping.
If I mean all 4 of them I say the children.

My friend had a daughter and less than a year later twin girls. The three of them are the girls even though she has (much) older daughters. The twins are referred to as the twins to seperate them from their sister. All three are treated as a 'unit' but also the same but different.

notanothertakeaway · 09/09/2020 10:31

There is evidence to suggest that twins are more likely to have eating disorders

jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-017-0154-2

www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/twin-studies-reveal-eating-disorder-connection

However, I'm not sure that referring to them as "the girls" or "the kids" or "Jane and Sarah" would necessarily reduce that risk

I think best to lead by example. My friend has twins and always refers to them by their names. So I've taken my lead from that. Unfortunately, I agree with a PP that most people tend to refer to them as "Jane and Sarah" which I think is probably OK for Jane, not so good for Sarah

Polkasquare · 09/09/2020 10:32

Please listen to the people who have twins or are twins. There are several reasons why calling a set of twins "the twins " is not a good idea.

I don't understand the need for "eyerolling" and calling someone "precious "if you are asked not to call someone something that they don't like.

PatriciaPerch · 09/09/2020 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zigaziga · 09/09/2020 10:34

YANBU to not want people to treat them as one unit and to want people to acknowledge them as separate people with their own personalities and interests.

But I think people saying “the twins” is just the same as “the girls / the boys / the kid / the baby” - it’s just easier to say and it itself means nothing.

makingmammaries · 09/09/2020 10:35

They are twins whether they like it or not. I’d be anxious to avoid demonizing the word ‘twins’, which is something they need to accept. So no, I wouldn’t ask friends and family not to call them that, although I might avoid using it myself.

BlueJava · 09/09/2020 10:37

Hi @Bananacloud, I have twin boys, in their late teens now. I had also observed that treating them as one entity is not a good thing - in particular I had worked with twins who were incapable of being apart and it worried me that ours would be like that, so I wanted to them as separate individuals.

You do have to tell people but I managed this and I feel it's been a great benefit to them. I also went to family counselling recently (another issue entirely) and this was supported by the counsellor. If family referred to them as "the twins" I'd gently correct or bring up in conversation "well they are individual people" and generally if people understand you have a real reason behind it they co-operate. If it was just some random in a shop that went "oh twins" I obviously didn't bother to say anything. I also never dressed them the same, they didn't have the same presents and we did our best to encourage separate interests which I also understand to be desirable to enable them to develop their own identity. It's perfect possible and preferable they are referred to by their names not "the twins" just needs some gentle reasoning and gentle corrections.

TinySleepThief · 09/09/2020 10:37

@Polkasquare

Please listen to the people who have twins or are twins. There are several reasons why calling a set of twins "the twins " is not a good idea.

I don't understand the need for "eyerolling" and calling someone "precious "if you are asked not to call someone something that they don't like.

But myself and a few other twins have posted saying its genuinely never been a problem surely our views are just as valid given that we are the ones supposed affected by this?

The OP also hasn't actually clarified that her two children don't like being called the twins. As I said earlier absolutely its fine to ask if it's bothering them and they dont like it but in this instance it doesn't seem to be the case it just seems to be that their mum doesn't like the term.

Twintoo · 09/09/2020 10:40

What a strange username to pick if you don't like to be referred to as a Twin?

I changed it for this thread as I didnt want to post under my normal username.

jessstan2 · 09/09/2020 10:40

I agree with the op, if I had had twins I would never have referred to them as 'the twins' but by their names. It's as bad as people calling their baby, 'baby'.

Twins are individuals and must be treated so right from the start. That includes not dressing them or doing their hair the same (when they have hair).

They are twins of course and will know that, having the same birthday unless one is born just before midnight and the other just after, and that's fine but 'twins' is not a title.

When they start school they are usually put in different classes so they don't just rely on their sibling for socialising.

LolaSmiles · 09/09/2020 10:41

I don't understand the need for "eyerolling" and calling someone "precious "if you are asked not to call someone something that they don't like
Because nobody gets to dictate people's language and compel their speech, especially by trying to turn on a guilt trip.

If I was talking to a pair of twins I'm not going to say 'right twins what do we want to have to drink' even though I would say "right kids" to my own, but I'm not going to be told that in all conversations I have to list family members individually in case me calling a set of twins 'twins' in their absence causes them to have eating disorders (how that possibly works is beyond me).

I'm not a fan of couples being called "The Surnames", but it would be eye rollingly precious to tell people never to call me and Mr Smiles that if they ever talk about us.

WaltzfortheMars · 09/09/2020 10:42

Being a twin always have great impact in their life. It's a great one, strong bond, etc. Referring as twins won't damage them, because that's what they are. And as others have said, kids, girls, boys, we always generalise their identity, but it won't damage them either, certainly won't cause eating disorder just because of it.