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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

261 replies

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:17

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

OP posts:
ChickenyChick · 09/09/2020 10:01

really? I'd ask "how are the twins?" in the same way I ask my friends with 2 or 3 boys "How are the boys?" or my nieces "How are the girls?"

I think you are precious and overthinking a bit Gin

If I'd ask my brother/friend "How are the girls?" and he'd reply "I want you to use their names and enquire about them as individuals" My eyes would roll so far back into my head I'd lose them Wink

sorry, but honestly...

db92 · 09/09/2020 10:01

Are they old enough for you to ask how they feel about it?

I'm one of 6, all girls. Growing up and even now as adults were still collectively known as the girls. While it doesn't bother me in the slightest now, silly things would wind me up when I was younger. Such as Christmas cards addressed to the girls and not our individual names. Or being know/ addressed as one of the "DB sisters" throughout all of school and not by my own name. My sisters were never bothered though.

I appreciate it may feel very different as a twin.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2020 10:02

I think you can ask op bit like pp said, I don't think it's different in most people's heads to any other grouping of children. My three are the boys. The eldest is the big one. The twins are the babies or the twins. Usually the babies bit obv that won't last so I'll say to eldest "say goodnight to the babies" not "say goodnight to Emmet and Brent", or I'll sometimes say to the twins "lets go get the big one from school" rather than "let's go get Harold"

you treating them as individuals, encouraging their individuality, dressing them to their taste, supporting their separate friendships is far more important than if Granny comes in and asks where the twins are

TheChristmasPrincess · 09/09/2020 10:02

As one of three daughters, we were often referred to as The Girls. I have two sons and they’re referred to as The Boys. My nieces are twins and they’re referred to as The Girls. It’s just easier and quicker to say ‘The Girls’ rather than using their names unfortunately, otherwise you’d be listing names for ever.

DarkMintChocolate · 09/09/2020 10:03

ITA with you OP, as the mother of twins! Iirc, there was a whole thread about women complaining about post, correctly addressed to

Mr and Mrs David Smith

Likewise the whole Ms/Miss question? Now, the word master is being rethought!

It’s funny how adults get heated about semantics, but it’s not supposed to matter when it’s children?

littlebirdieblue · 09/09/2020 10:03

I get it as I have twins too, but I refer to them as 'the girls' all the time. They are definitely still individuals, even though they are identical, they are quite different in personalities.

monsterad · 09/09/2020 10:04

My sister and I were referred to as 'the girls' and my brothers were 'the boys'. No difference

fassbendersmistress · 09/09/2020 10:04

I think you’ve read a bit too much into the research.

If, within your own home, you constantly treat them as one and disallow different choices, then yes, you may face problems. But that’s not the issue as you are aware of this.

If people outside your home say “are the twins coming?”, “I saw the twins yesterday”...”what would the twins like to eat?” then that is fine and will not damage your kids long term. Annoying for you perhaps, but no harm.

If your twins (Sorry!) will Be spending long times in the care of others, then mention this to them. But otherwise, like to most posters here, it sounds very precious.

Jamhandprints · 09/09/2020 10:07

Are they identical? If so, people will say "the twins" to avoid calling them thw wrong name, which seems like it would be worse for self esteem.

I think its most important YOU treat them as individuals at home.

Make it easy for others to do it too by making sure they look different, have different coats and ask the teacher if they can sit separately in class etc.

DoTheMaccaroni · 09/09/2020 10:08

But they are twins, and that’s something really special!! Me and my sister will have been classed as ‘the girls’ or ‘the kids’ because our twin brother and sister arrived. They got referred to as ‘the twins’ unless talking about all 4 of us when it was ‘the kids’ again. Do you think people really wanted to list out all for of our names every time to keep us individual?

Honestly, save yourself the bother and accept it.

TinySleepThief · 09/09/2020 10:10

I honestly don't see the issue. As a twin myself it's literally never bothered me to be called either the twins or the girls. Yes being treated as individuals in crucial but being called the twins didn't impact upon that in the slightest just as in other families being called the girls or the boys or the kids doesn't impact upon you being an individual.

Honestly I would only ask this of people if the children themselves have asked others to not refer to them as the twins. Otherwise it's making an issue where there isn't one.

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/09/2020 10:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. As you said, their are psychological reasons why it's important to make it clear to twins that they are appreciated as individuals. I think most people commenting here don't have experience with your situation.

BigFatLiar · 09/09/2020 10:11

We had twin girls and DH would to his girls. At one time he mentioned having three girls which puzzled them till he explained that they were his little girls and mummy was his big girl. I don't think they even realized I was a girl just mummy.

Provided the terms used aren't meant to be hurtful what's the problem.

Abetes · 09/09/2020 10:11

Sorry but it’s never going to happen. I grew up with a sister - we were always called the girls. I have a girl and a boy - they are always called the kids. No-one ever specifically says how are x and y.

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/09/2020 10:11

DarkMint makes an interesting point

Emeraldshamrock · 09/09/2020 10:11

I don't have twins I'm sure it can be frustrating as a parent with twins looking on the bright side twins stand out from other DC in a positive way
I can't stop myself gooing or smiling when I see twin DC especially the younger ones.

Iamanaubergine · 09/09/2020 10:12

YANBU. I have twin girls and my MIL refers to them as ‘the twins’ and it drives me bonkers. They’re still quite young but they don’t like it being emphasised that they are twins especially as they are non identical.

I do think it is different to calling them girls and I will happily refer to them as ‘the girls’. Saying ‘the twins’ just seems to mark them out as ‘other’.

unmarkedbythat · 09/09/2020 10:12

Yanbu at all. Interesting to read some of the replies to this thread.

Coldwinterahead1 · 09/09/2020 10:12

I have twin boys, they are know as The Boys or the twins. It doesn’t worry me in the slightest

Friendsoftheearth · 09/09/2020 10:13

Seriously, you do what you need to do to make sure your dc feel individual but to start controlling what other people say?!

Way too controlling.

ellentree · 09/09/2020 10:13

My husband is a twin so just asked him - he said they were often referred to as 'the twins' but his parents made an effort to treat them as individuals. He said he didn't care at all either way how they were referred to - he is a twin so it's just fact.

They always had separate cakes, mainly different presents, never matching clothes, different classes at school, different closest friends etc. Actions speak louder than words.

I know it annoys some people so I only refer to twins as 'the twins' if the parents do.

LouiseNW · 09/09/2020 10:14

Surprised at the vote. Imagine it will irritate your children as they get older. Hopefully people will call them by their names then.

HazelBite · 09/09/2020 10:15

I have identical twin boys now adults, and I strongly feel (especially when they are identical) that you should try and call them by their individual names.
it is different from referring to "the boys" or the girls" don't ask me why but with twins their individual identity is extremely important to them as they develop and this is just another way as seeing them as a pair.

diddl · 09/09/2020 10:16

I think maybe circs come into it as well.

I used to say to mine (one of each & not twins)-are you two ready yet or to one-is your brother/sister ready?

But not all the time.

I don't think it's unusual to sometimes refer to kids as a "collection" or in relation to each other & not constantly use names.

yevans · 09/09/2020 10:16

I think it's very dependent on the twins themselves. Some are joined at the hip, love dressing the same and love being 'the twins'. (I know of a few sets like this). Others are completely different and would hate it as they are such different personalities. There's no one fits all.