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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Different rules for my kids? WWYD?

129 replies

CovidStoleTheRainbow · 08/09/2020 13:39

13 yo, 9yo and I'm not sure what's fair.

My eldest goes out after school and it's a pain for him to come home for dinner time (he goes out at 4ish, dinner is a 5.30ish) so we cover it and he warms it.

9yo who's only playing across the road now refuses to come home for dinner and wants us to warm it later, this has an impact on his bed time, it also means he kicks off at the time he's supposed to come home, basically he's being a pain in the butt all around and his argument is that eldest DS has his dinner later so why can't he?

We also have toddler DS so it impacts on that, his bed time (one of us at work, one of us juggling the kids).

Basically it's all gone to shit.

So I'm thinking I force them all to have dinner at 5.30, I don't care where they are they come home.

Or I cook dinner and no one sits at the bloody table apart from the toddler and it impacts DS3 and therefore DS2's bedtime and nothing is streamline any longer.

Can't do dinner later because I would have the problem I'm already experiencing now, can't do it earlier because the person with the kids won't be back at work yet.

YABU - make them both come home for dinner on time

YANBU - DS1 is older he can come in later, but DS2 and DS3 are younger and should be home for dinner at 5.30.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 08/09/2020 13:42

Tell the nine year old if he was mature enough not to kick off like a toddler about it then you would have done it by now he isnt so see you at five thirty if your late your grounded

Imsure the family he is visiting want to eat too without him hanging about

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2020 13:46

Err, how about you tell your NINE year old that he's not 13, he'll do as you say and be home for dinner when YOU tell him to - or he doesn't go out after school at all?!

FizzyGreenWater · 08/09/2020 13:47

And yes he may well be 'that' child who is hanging around with no discernible rules in place simply making it more awkward for the other parents who are trying to enforce the same on their own children...

user1492809438 · 08/09/2020 13:48

Tell the 9 year old he eats with you at your time and table or not at all. He'll only go to bed hungry once. If you don't assert your boundaries now, you'll have to deal with more issues later. He's 9 not 19.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/09/2020 13:49

Tell your 9yo that if he's so bothered about the same rules applying regardless of age he can go to bed when the toddler does.

Original poster
CovidStoleTheRainbow · 08/09/2020 13:49

Should probably add that DS2 is being assessed for ADHD hence the kicking off.

Sorry for the drip feed.

I didnt think it would make a difference because my issue remains the same but perhaps it does?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2020 13:50

Your neighbours are probably fed up with your 9 year old hanging about all the time. Be more considerate and start parenting. Allowing your children to call the shots is utterly ridiculous. Your 13 year old should be home for dinner, too.

Original poster
CovidStoleTheRainbow · 08/09/2020 13:51

Your neighbours are probably fed up with your 9 year old hanging about all the time.

What the fuck? Our house is opposite a green, he's playing football with his friends.
It's surrounded by trees.

Jesus, assumption there. Hmm

OP posts:
Merename · 08/09/2020 13:53

I think I’d be telling 9yr old that big bro didn’t get this when he was 9, and it’s situation specific. Let him know you care about his feelings and can understand it doesn’t seem fair, but when/if he’s older and has similar activities preventing him getting home, THEN he can do it.

MulchLover · 08/09/2020 13:54

It’s ok to have different rules for different kids if there’s a relevant age difference. Just explain to the 9yo that when he’s old enough, he can eat later too, but in the meantime the rules are what they are.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/09/2020 13:54

Make a clear rule e.g. dc at primary school have to come back for tea, secondary school dc can reheat their own food.

Trisolaris · 08/09/2020 13:55

A 9 yr old and a 13 yr old are not the same.

The circumstances are different.

If the 9 yr old doesn’t come home for dinner, he doesn’t go out the next day.

dementedpixie · 08/09/2020 13:56

What time is your 13 year old eating at? What time ia bedtime?

lyralalala · 08/09/2020 13:59

9 year old needs reminded they are 9. You need to stick to your guns otherwise you'll have a 12 year old complaining that they are not being treated the same as a 16/17 year old in a few years time.

ChateauMargaux · 08/09/2020 14:00

What time does your 13 year old come home at?

It sounds like your 9 year old needs structure even if your 13 year old doesn't. Could you push dinner to 6pm and expect everyone to be home unless they are at an organised activity or having dinner somewhere else? Perhaps the toddler could have supper earlier or have bath before supper and straight to bed. 2 hours of playing out every day is quite a lot... I wouldn't see a problem with reining the 13 year old in a little to help the 9 year old.

Pipandmum · 08/09/2020 14:00

While I think 5.30 is very early to be doing dinner, except for your toddler, I think all your kids should be there. My kids didn't go out after school at that age, their school didn't get out til 4.30 and they had homework.
How about of he has his homework done and dinner eaten he can go back out for an hour afterwards?

corythatwas · 08/09/2020 14:00

It’s ok to have different rules for different kids if there’s a relevant age difference. Just explain to the 9yo that when he’s old enough, he can eat later too, but in the meantime the rules are what they are.

This. Your 9yo is going to be 14 when his older brother turns 18, he'd better get used to the idea that all ages are not the same. Surely there are things he's allowed to do that the toddler isn't. Be clear in your head, spell it out and stay firm.

ColleagueFromMars · 08/09/2020 14:01

He is 9 not 13. You're not making up the rules to be mean.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/09/2020 14:01

It is absolutely fine to have different rules for a 13 year old and a 9 year old.

"9yo who's only playing across the road now refuses to come home for dinner and wants us to warm it later, this has an impact on his bed time, it also means he kicks off at the time he's supposed to come home, basically he's being a pain in the butt all around and his argument is that eldest DS has his dinner later so why can't he?"

Two alternate ways I would deal with this -

  1. He doesn't get to play across the road at all, so there's no possibility of refusing to come home. When he inevitably kicks off about that, make clear that this is the consequence of him refusing to come home for dinner at 5:30. He is sent to bed at his normal time.
  1. He does get to play across the road, if he refuses to come home at 5.30 (Who is he playing with? What do their parents do/say about this?) dinner is not available later, he is sent to bed at the normal time hungry. It is made clear that this is the consequence of him refusing to come home for dinner at 5:30 and dinner will only be available to him at this time.

He's nine. He doesn't get to disrupt the entire household because he wants what his much older brother has. Nip this behaviour in the bud. He'll ramp it up for a bit, but if you are consistent in your behaviour and make it clear that bad behaviour will have consequences, he'll settle. Children need boundaries, adults need to enforce them.

Pringlemonster · 08/09/2020 14:02

I think I’d reheat both dinners and I’d just eat with little one .
Mine have asd ,and not a single friend ,so I’d be over moon at them playing out with a friend .
9 is nearly 10 ,no point have aggro at home ,eat together on a rainy day
I don’t know
I tend to pick my battles ,as mine are prone to kicking of a lot

HarrietM87 · 08/09/2020 14:05

Treating your kids the same would be letting the 9 year old stay out when he’s 13, not now. Presumably your older child didn’t do this when he was 9?

SEN or not, you are the parent and you make the rules. Your 9 year old needs to understand that.

thevassal · 08/09/2020 14:05

13 year old could be quite far away so not practical for him to come home by 5.30 and back out again.

If the 9 year old is only across the road then it will only take about 15 minutes for him to come in, eat dinner, help clean up, go back out again so completely reasonable.

I think you'd be okay insisting on all of them staying home maybe one or two nights a week so you can all eat together (how are they doing any homework if he goes straight out after school every night?), but the other few days 13 y/o gets extra privileges like more independence, later bedtime, because he's older, same as he has to do more homework/chores, and is (hopefully) more mature, so the 9 y/o just has to suck that up!

Apart from anything else are they not ravenous by nighttime?

Original poster
CovidStoleTheRainbow · 08/09/2020 14:06

Thanks all.

Lots of you have been helpful, the way I have been approaching it is exactly what you have said.

It's since I've gone back to work and DH is taking over that it's all gone to shit. Then I get texts to say the kids are being a pain.

So I will sit the kids down tonight (with DH present) and go over the rules, and if DH chooses to do different then I throw my hands in the air.

I left out that DH was having issues because I started to question whether it was me being unfair treating them differently??

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2020 14:06

13 year old is older and he's going further away so i would have different rules. It's no hassle for the 9 year old to come home for 15 minutes to eat his dinner and then go back out.

Perro · 08/09/2020 14:10

I’d move teatime to 6pm and insist they’re both there, at the table.