Different rules for my kids? WWYD?

[CovidStoleTheRainbow]

13 yo, 9yo and I'm not sure what's fair.

My eldest goes out after school and it's a pain for him to come home for dinner time (he goes out at 4ish, dinner is a 5.30ish) so we cover it and he warms it.

9yo who's only playing across the road now refuses to come home for dinner and wants us to warm it later, this has an impact on his bed time, it also means he kicks off at the time he's supposed to come home, basically he's being a pain in the butt all around and his argument is that eldest DS has his dinner later so why can't he?

We also have toddler DS so it impacts on that, his bed time (one of us at work, one of us juggling the kids).

Basically it's all gone to shit.

So I'm thinking I force them all to have dinner at 5.30, I don't care where they are they come home.

Or I cook dinner and no one sits at the bloody table apart from the toddler and it impacts DS3 and therefore DS2's bedtime and nothing is streamline any longer.

Can't do dinner later because I would have the problem I'm already experiencing now, can't do it earlier because the person with the kids won't be back at work yet.

YABU - make them both come home for dinner on time

YANBU - DS1 is older he can come in later, but DS2 and DS3 are younger and should be home for dinner at 5.30.

I'd feed the toddler at 5.30 and tell both older kids they have to be home at 6 or 6.30 for dinner.

I agree the issue is likely that the 9 year old doesn't want to be grouped with the toddler for meal times, at that age kids are very keen not to be treated like little ones.

Whatever happens I feel for you OP, we have a 6, 8, 10 and 12 year old and trying to give age specific allowances is killing us!!(bedtimes, what can watch etc!)

4-6 is still a good couple of hours out with friends each night

Why not compromise and all eat at 6.30. Toddler can be basically ready for bed. Eating together as a family is very important especially in the teen years

It's not going to be light much longer and it's good exercise/fresh air. Quick snack when they get in then eat at 6.30 - toddler eat earlier? That's what I'd do. I never like to interrupt kids playing outside unless I have to!

I have twin 9yos and a 12(almost 13 year old). Dd1 is year 8 which is a massive difference to dd2&3 in year 5! Totally different set of age appropriate rules. That said, I’d be tempted to let ds2 stay out later one day a week until half term when it gets dark earlier.

OP, I do understand why you have posted your question in this way but it is a bit of a drip-feed - basically you know perfectly well what works and how to make the evenings run smoothly, but your DH is questioning things and / or incapable of actioning the plan.

I am sick to death of being questioned by men on things I have been doing for years. There is always an answer to the question, but being forced to approach things I know incredibly well through experience in an exploratory way, pretending for some stupid reason that my experience is as limited as theirs and we are "discovering" together, has been winding me up on a regular basis for a good 15 years now.

I hope this thread helps you.

Ps my kids had to be home for dinner, even at 6th form unless there was a very good reason.

I never like to interrupt kids playing outside unless I have to

I sort of feel the same way. With so many screen based activities, children should be encouraged to play out as much as possible.

If there are too many strict rules and regulations, they might go off the idea of going out at all!

Definitely teach the 9-year-old that as you get older, you have more responsibilities and more privileges. That's just the way it is! As PP said, 13-y-o didn't get to stay out as late at 9, either, but now he is older, so it's allowed. Maybe tell him you'll re-evaluate how late he can stay out when he turns 10 (if that's true, if you feel you might give him a little extra time at that point), if he has shown that he's maturing. One of the signs of maturity, of course, is following the house rules and being home when his parents ask.

Wtf. Of course different rules for different ages. He is only 9 and his sibling 13.

My second and third kid have both tried this at some point. Whinging that their older sibling gets to do something they dont. I absolutely dont change the rules to placate them. They are quite simply told "tough". When they are that age they can do the same but for now they are younger and their sibling didnt get to do x, y or a at their age either. It's a privilege that comes with age and maturity.

If he is kicking off and wont come in, for dinner when told. Then he wouldnt be allowed out to play at all. If he then says fine hel stay in but still isnt eating dinner. Then he would be in his room with all consoles etc removed. They will try a battle of wills over things with you over the years but you need to show you are the one in control and dont give in.

@slipperywhensparticus

Tell the nine year old if he was mature enough not to kick off like a toddler about it then you would have done it by now he isnt so see you at five thirty if your late your grounded

Imsure the family he is visiting want to eat too without him hanging about

Absolutely this!

Different ages get different rules.

Tell ds2 that when he was 9 DS1 had to be in by 5.30 so he is being treated equally.

DS1 also needs a 'home time' - he is only 13.

Then tell them both they have an age-appropriate home time and that will be curtailed if they do not observe it.

I won't suggest moving dinner as you've already said you can't. My DD has SEN (ASD) and although I agree with picking battles, i think this is one of them. There will always be a 4 year difference, when the 16yo is going to parties and staying out later what are you going to do when the then 12yo kicks off that he wants to do the same? Your 9yo needs to understand that he can do the same when he is 13, if he doesn't accept that, he doesn't go out. Be very consistent with the rules, no giving in as otherwise you will have a much harder time later. Personally, I would have them both in for dinner as I think meal time is important but appreciate others do meals differently.

My boys are grown up now, so it’s in that context that I’m replying to you. I would expect the 13yr old to be in for dinner at 5.30 with the rest of the family. It would be different if he was a third level student and traveling home from lectures/studying in the library or whatever. Then I wouldn’t have a problem with him reheating his dinner. However, at 13yrs of age I think it would be best if he was expected to be home for dinner at 5.30pm, and you all have dinner together.

@DidoAtTheLido

Tell ds2 that when he was 9 DS1 had to be in by 5.30 so he is being treated equally.

DS1 also needs a 'home time' - he is only 13.

Then tell them both they have an age-appropriate home time and that will be curtailed if they do not observe it.

The OP hasn't remotely suggested that her 13yo doesn't have a "home time"

Just that he eats his dinner when he comes in

my nine year old is in bed for 7.45/8pm she couldn’t eat dinner at 7. What time do you children go to bed?

Well, you quoted my post instead of the other poster lol. I don't have children but at 9yo I wasn't going to bed until about 9pm - I didn't get picked up from after-school club until 6pm!

@CovidStoleTheRainbow Your main problem is your DH. Which it sounds like you know.

He needs to stop letting the 9yo "refuse" to come in. If he does that one night then he doesn't get out the rest of the week.

Curtailing your 13yo or letting your 9yo demand to be treated the same as an older sibling would just allow your DH to be lazy (as he is being passing the buck to you when you are at work).

5.30 is so early. My kids are still doing after school activities then and local hockey club that age doesn’t finish until 7. Maybe they
Need to run off some energy and work up an appetite.

Agreed that 5,30 is very early. My ds 10 eats at around 7pm.

Why dont you let him do it once a week or when hes been extra well behaved and the rest of the time he eats with you.
I have a 4 year age gap, they dont really question things often but when they do I just say no, that's how it is because of the age gap etc.

Unless there was a very good reason, like doing a structured activity or having dinner at a friend's. hmm I couldn't skip/heat up dinner everyday but luckily my DPs understood that as stupid as it is, no one wants to be that kid who has to stop halfway through rounders or leave the park early so they can get home for din dins. I think the problem is the time IMO. It's very early. We would normally have it at 6.30 and we were either allowed back out for an hour out the front or have to stay in, depending how dark it was who we was with etc.

That's really early to eat. One of my kids school didn;t used to start lunch til 1pm so 5.30pm to eat tea would be way too early.

I've move the meal to 6.00pm-6.30pm, you can always feed the toddler earlier.

At 9 mine would have been in bed by 8.30pm and at 13 by 9.30pm

I don’t know why everyone’s saying that 5.30 is too early for dinner. As 9 year olds my kids started getting ready for bed at around 7/7.30 on school nights!