Different rules for my kids? WWYD?

[CovidStoleTheRainbow]

13 yo, 9yo and I'm not sure what's fair.

My eldest goes out after school and it's a pain for him to come home for dinner time (he goes out at 4ish, dinner is a 5.30ish) so we cover it and he warms it.

9yo who's only playing across the road now refuses to come home for dinner and wants us to warm it later, this has an impact on his bed time, it also means he kicks off at the time he's supposed to come home, basically he's being a pain in the butt all around and his argument is that eldest DS has his dinner later so why can't he?

We also have toddler DS so it impacts on that, his bed time (one of us at work, one of us juggling the kids).

Basically it's all gone to shit.

So I'm thinking I force them all to have dinner at 5.30, I don't care where they are they come home.

Or I cook dinner and no one sits at the bloody table apart from the toddler and it impacts DS3 and therefore DS2's bedtime and nothing is streamline any longer.

Can't do dinner later because I would have the problem I'm already experiencing now, can't do it earlier because the person with the kids won't be back at work yet.

YABU - make them both come home for dinner on time

YANBU - DS1 is older he can come in later, but DS2 and DS3 are younger and should be home for dinner at 5.30.

Oh dear I see I’m the only one saying reheat both dinners
Well as I said I pick my battles
I remember one time my 16 year old had not come home by 12,30 on Friday night .id stayed up worrying.
He was supposed to be a friends ,another mum was supposed to bring him home and she hadn’t
So I set of to find him in the car ,in my dressing gown and slippers ,
He was in the canter of our town ,he saw me pull up and get out of the car in my nightie / dressing gown And I started to walk over to him ..
I swear he never moved so fast in his life ,to get in the car before I go to his mates and him ..
Ha ,never had that problem again.

Center

My son is being diagnosed with autism, so I'd be over the moon if he could play out without drama, personally I'd probably bring the time forward you want the 9 year old in at, like maybe half an hour so he can eat his tea and still be in bed at bedtime then you've met him half way, that would give my son a sense of fairness and he'd accept it alot more than these are the rules you will do as I say. Which just leads to a major meltdown.

@Merename

I think I’d be telling 9yr old that big bro didn’t get this when he was 9, and it’s situation specific. Let him know you care about his feelings and can understand it doesn’t seem fair, but when/if he’s older and has similar activities preventing him getting home, THEN he can do it.

This ^^, definitely.

Tell him when he is 13 (or whatever age the rules changed for your eldest) then he can eat later.

Tell him if he complains about being asked to come in then he won’t be allowed to go back out after or the next day.

If anything the mention of the ADHD makes it all the more important to have set rules and clear boundaries.

@finallyme2018

My son is being diagnosed with autism, so I'd be over the moon if he could play out without drama, personally I'd probably bring the time forward you want the 9 year old in at, like maybe half an hour so he can eat his tea and still be in bed at bedtime then you've met him half way, that would give my son a sense of fairness and he'd accept it alot more than these are the rules you will do as I say. Which just leads to a major meltdown.

tbf though there has to be different rules for a child of 9 compared to a teenager of 13, he needs to learn that too

Think you need to sit the house down and do some "house rules" for the evening. Needs to be consistent with both parents on board to the rules. Then give the rules a trial period and assess how they are working. If anything needs tweaking the majority need to agree.

I left out that DH was having issues because I started to question whether it was me being unfair treating them differently??

13 year olds and 9 year olds can (and for the most part part) should be treated differently.

"It's since I've gone back to work and DH is taking over that it's all gone to shit. Then I get texts to say the kids are being a pain.

So I will sit the kids down tonight (with DH present) and go over the rules, and if DH chooses to do different then I throw my hands in the air."

So basically your adult husband struggles to parent effectively and instead of knuckling down to becoming better at it through practice, he is trying to offload ALL the parenting onto you? Whilst undermining your good parenting by letting the 9 year old walk all over him?

I would try moving tea time to 6pm and see how that works. Tell them both to be home by then or no tea. Presumably ds1 will have homework to do so he can get on with that afterwards.

Would you be home from work by then? If so it would be good as everyone in and eating together and it might work better for dh. Can you change The routine around for ds3 So that it fits in with a later meal?

Then at weekends ds1 can stay out later as he is older.

There is no need for the 13-year-old's set up to be changed because the father can't be bothered dealing with the 9-year-old.

Everybody has dinner together, sitting round the table.
After dinner, if its school the next day, the schoolagers do their homework or entertain themselves at home. On Fridays and Saturdays they can go back out to play / see friends till a fixed time .

What is DS1 doing that he can't be home for dinner? We have a house rule that you are home for dinner unless good reason (and "normal" playing out with friends doesn't fall into this category). Though 5.30 is pretty early for a dinner time - I'd also agree with moving it to 6pm.

Older kids have different rules to the younger ones is really important to survive the teen years imo. The 13yo having the privilege of coming home later shows that you are accepting that he's older, note responsible and you trust him not to abuse the perk. Teens respond well to being given a chance to prove that they are older and more responsible ime.

Allowing the 9 yo to have the same perks as a 13yo will be unfair on the older one who shouldn't have the same rules as a 9yo. Tell the 9yo that when he's 13yo he can reheat his dinner. It's unfair for him to get that perk earlier than his sibling.

5.30pm is a bit early for dinner except for the toddler. You can't expect the older children to want to stop playing and come in to eat at that time. Why not move it to 6pm as a start. On the other hand the older ones can surely still play after they have eaten.

It's nice for all four of you to eat together but kids will push boundaries as they get older.

what time is your 13 yr old coming home? when is he doing homework.... ?

I dont know any family where the kids are just left to determine their own dinner times and when they come and go at 9 and 13!

does your 9 yr old not have some school work to do as well spellings/readings etc....

often DC with ADHD require more support/repitition to get school work to stick and longer to calm down before sleep so maybe a more structured school/snack/play/reading/dinner/ bath/bedtime...although not all

5.30 seems early for 13 and 9 maybe feed the toddler then put them to bed and have dinner together with the 9/13 and adults at 7?

@netflixismysidehustle

Older kids have different rules to the younger ones is really important to survive the teen years imo. The 13yo having the privilege of coming home later shows that you are accepting that he's older, note responsible and you trust him not to abuse the perk. Teens respond well to being given a chance to prove that they are older and more responsible ime.

Allowing the 9 yo to have the same perks as a 13yo will be unfair on the older one who shouldn't have the same rules as a 9yo. Tell the 9yo that when he's 13yo he can reheat his dinner. It's unfair for him to get that perk earlier than his sibling.

Absolutely this! We have a 14 year old and a 9 year old and we've had several conversations recently about why the older one gets x, y and z. It's occasionally tempting to just shove them both in together and have one set of rules but I know without question that it would be deeply unfair on the teenager, who is actually a responsible, lovely kid.

Different rules for different ages is the only way to maintain any kind of fairness.

Can you not move both dinnertime and the 9 year old's bedtime? What time does he go to bed?! I don't get how dinner at 5.30 could impact on a bedtime unless you're expecting him in bed by 6 or something like that.

It sounds as if he's started to feel dinner at 5.30 is treating him like the toddler, and it kind of is, really. He shouldn't be thinking he gets to lay down the law, but I can see that if his big brother is off doing something more exciting, it might feel a little dull sitting round a table with you and a toddler for company.

Your 9 year old needs routine and boundaries even more so because of any ADHD issues.
Is your DH their dad? If not I've got some sympathy for him but he'd expect them to do as they're told for a teacher or childminder so if he's in charge then they need to listen to him as well.
Personally I have all my family eating together unless a structured activity makes that impossible, whilst I can see why your 13 year old has more freedom I don't see why he needs to opt out of family meal times, friends don't trump family especially at that age. If he's eating the family meal he eats with the family.
I would also borrow the pj's and slippers example and make a point of collecting anyone who's late for tea.

Tell your 9yr old that when he’s 13 he can play out later, eat dinner later and go to bed later. It’s really very simple. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh and tell him him if he continues to tantrum like a toddler he will be sent to bed at the same time as the toddler.

5h30 is stupidly early!!
The toddler can eat then, I guess, but at least 6pm... if kids were in after school clubs they wouldn't end before then...

I would say everyone at 6 or 6h30

I would move tea time and make it later. That's suits them both and they get equal time to play out. I realise they are not the same but I do think it's unfair to allow one out for an extra bit but not the other. There is no reason to do that

It's my personal bugbear. I hate people who don't come promptly when someone has gone to the trouble of cooking for them so there's no way I'd be teaching my teen (even subconsciously) that a woman will cook for him and he can swan in whenever he likes and eat it.

I would move dinner to 6, only because 5.30 is that bit too early for me. Then tell your 9 year old to be home for then, his brother is allowed out later because he is older, the same way your toddler isn't allowed out because he is younger. He will get it, he is just trying his luck.