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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Different rules for my kids? WWYD?

129 replies

CovidStoleTheRainbow · 08/09/2020 13:39

13 yo, 9yo and I'm not sure what's fair.

My eldest goes out after school and it's a pain for him to come home for dinner time (he goes out at 4ish, dinner is a 5.30ish) so we cover it and he warms it.

9yo who's only playing across the road now refuses to come home for dinner and wants us to warm it later, this has an impact on his bed time, it also means he kicks off at the time he's supposed to come home, basically he's being a pain in the butt all around and his argument is that eldest DS has his dinner later so why can't he?

We also have toddler DS so it impacts on that, his bed time (one of us at work, one of us juggling the kids).

Basically it's all gone to shit.

So I'm thinking I force them all to have dinner at 5.30, I don't care where they are they come home.

Or I cook dinner and no one sits at the bloody table apart from the toddler and it impacts DS3 and therefore DS2's bedtime and nothing is streamline any longer.

Can't do dinner later because I would have the problem I'm already experiencing now, can't do it earlier because the person with the kids won't be back at work yet.

YABU - make them both come home for dinner on time

YANBU - DS1 is older he can come in later, but DS2 and DS3 are younger and should be home for dinner at 5.30.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 08/09/2020 14:40

"his argument is that eldest DS has his dinner later so why can't he?"
Well good for him for having a go. But, a firm no

DS is older - what is he doing though? if he is just hanging around I'd be less accommodating? He's only 13 and surely he's not allowed out really late every school night?

I'd shift dinner slightly later - 6pm or so for all and insist DS 1 is home to eat it on a fixed number of days/specific nights, so you can all have family dinner at least part of the week. At least in term time.

Enb76 · 08/09/2020 14:43

I'd be tempted to feed the toddler earlier with maybe your 9 year old sitting at the table with an apple or something getting homework done for 1/2 hour and then shift the 5:30 meal time later to 6/6:30 and expect both the 13 year old and the 9 year old to be back for that. I'm not sure I'd want my 13 year old hanging out till all hours, that said, I only have a 12 year old and we eat at 7/7:30.

Soubriquet · 08/09/2020 14:44

Yep 9 year old has to be home when told.

If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t get to go out to play

HoppingPavlova · 08/09/2020 14:45

Tbh I wouldn’t want to eat at 5.30pm eitherBlush. Not even sure how that could work for working parents as here most pick up from daycare (nursery) or after school care around 6pm then travel home and then get something on the table. Kids don’t seem to self-combust. It’s nice to be cooked for, but I don’t know how appreciative I would be if DH called me to the table at 5.30pm.

Shockingstocking · 08/09/2020 14:46

Why are your children wandering around like this anyway? Why aren't you eating dinner as a family, having some community together? As far as I know, that's been shown to be incredibly important for stability and good choices. And why isn't your older son tackling homework? And why are you all apparently ignoring Covid?

This is all messed up.

Aweebawbee · 08/09/2020 14:46

What is your 13 yo doing that stops him from coming home?

Blackhawkdown2020 · 08/09/2020 14:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Shockingstocking · 08/09/2020 14:47

13 is far too young to be rolling around 'out'!!! Parent him!!

JenniferSantoro · 08/09/2020 14:49

This is very basic parenting to say you want them all home for dinner. It sounds like you’re letting your kids run rings around you, which is storing up problems for the future. I would hold a meeting where you all get the chance to say what you think, then explain the importance of that time together, and that’s what you expect of them.

AldiAisleofCrap · 08/09/2020 14:51

I wouldn’t be letting a 13 year old wander in when they felt like it. They should be home at 5.30 also.

SavoyCabbage · 08/09/2020 14:51

I think they should all be eating at the same time at that should be a time that suits you as you are the mother and you are cooking the meal.

If your 13 year old gets the privileges of being older, does he also take on any additional responsibilities as well? Does he change his own sheets and put his own washing away and empty the dishwasher? Being the oldest can't be just getting the fun side of being older.

vanillandhoney · 08/09/2020 14:52

TBH I do think 5.30 is very early for dinner, even for a 9yo. Can't you feed the toddler early, and then the older ones can eat with you at 7pm or so?

I don't really agree with a 13yo dictating mealtimes in the way yours seems to.

CoronaBollox · 08/09/2020 14:54

At 13 I was allowed out to play with friends, people are very dramatic about "family time" and "roaming the streets" having a kick about with your friends is a part of childhood. Do not have to sit round the dinner table every single day like the Brady bunch to have a lovely childhood. Obviously if you haven't seen your child all day and dont care where they are it's a problem but playing out is normal for most people.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2020 14:56

13 is far too young to be rolling around 'out'!!! Parent him!!

I wouldn’t be letting a 13 year old wander in when they felt like it. They should be home at 5.30 also.

I agree 100% A 13 year old needs structure and discipline.

Minimumstandard · 08/09/2020 14:56

Then I get texts to say the kids are being a pain

Why is this your problem if your DH is the one "on duty" looking after them while you're working? Surely you should be concentrating on your job not what's going on at home. When your DH is working and you're at home with the kids, do you message him complaining when they're badly behaved like it's his problem or do you just sort it out without bothering him?

AldiAisleofCrap · 08/09/2020 14:57

TBH I do think 5.30 is very early for dinner, even for a 9yo. Can't you feed the toddler early, and then the older ones can eat with you at 7pm or so? my nine year old is in bed for 7.45/8pm she couldn’t eat dinner at 7. What time do you children go to bed? @HoppingPavlova

lyralalala · 08/09/2020 14:58

Why on earth are people focussing on the 13yo? The OP hasn't asked for advice about changing the 13yo's routine. Just if it's unfair to stick to the 9yo having different rules.

The level of judgement on here when there isn't even any detail of what the 13yo is doing is staggering.

lyralalala · 08/09/2020 14:58

The big issue here is the DH allowing the 9yo to "refuse" to come home for dinner and passing the buck to the OP when she's at work.

RedskyAtnight · 08/09/2020 14:59

but playing out is normal for most people.

It's normal here too. But the rule if "you must be in for dinner at x time". They have the option to go out again later if they want to (while it's still light). Every other child they know seems to be given a fixed dinner time to get in for as well (so it's not just me). It's quite normal for my DC to come home and say that they've come in because Joe had to go for his tea.

Like a PP, if I've taken the trouble to cook a meal, I'd like people to have the courtesy to come in and eat it when it's ready.

This is, of course, different if the thing keeping someone out is not ad-hoc "hanging out". DS has a club one year which didn't finish until 7.30pm and, as none of the rest of us wanted to wait till then, I always made him a plate to heat up.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/09/2020 14:59

I don't think it's realistic for DC of such different ages to have the same mealtime. I'd let the 9 year old eat at the same time as his older brother. 5.30 pm is all very well for a toddler but very early for an older child or a teenager.

Wondergirl100 · 08/09/2020 15:00

Depressing that there are negative comments on here about kids playing outdoors - the assumption it is 'feral' 'annoying for neighbours'

Children need to play with friends outdoors for their health and wellbeing, it's fantastic that the OP has a space nearby that is not full of cars where here children are playing safely.

ArfNArf · 08/09/2020 15:01

I'd just tell them both that dinner was at 5.30 and that's that Confused My youngest is 13 and I wouldn't have him out every single night after school - of course, depending on what you say he is doing!

I'd just say dinner for everyone is at 5.30 and that's that

bendmeoverbackwards · 08/09/2020 15:01

Can you make dinner later? 5.30pm is really early.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/09/2020 15:01

Whilst it's ok for different ages to have different rules, eating as a family to me, is regardless of age surely unless at a scheduled activity/sport. I'd move dinner to six as half five is pretty early for dinner, and everyone is in by then. The 13 year old should be having dinner, then homework , maybe some TV/chill out time and a reasonable time for bed now schools are back, maybe an exception on a Friday if no family plans

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2020 15:02

@CoronaBollox

At 13 I was allowed out to play with friends, people are very dramatic about "family time" and "roaming the streets" having a kick about with your friends is a part of childhood. Do not have to sit round the dinner table every single day like the Brady bunch to have a lovely childhood. Obviously if you haven't seen your child all day and dont care where they are it's a problem but playing out is normal for most people.
Me too but I had to be in for dinner even if I went back out again afterwards. Unless there was a very good reason, like doing a structured activity or having dinner at a friend's.