Different rules for my kids? WWYD?

[CovidStoleTheRainbow]

13 yo, 9yo and I'm not sure what's fair.

My eldest goes out after school and it's a pain for him to come home for dinner time (he goes out at 4ish, dinner is a 5.30ish) so we cover it and he warms it.

9yo who's only playing across the road now refuses to come home for dinner and wants us to warm it later, this has an impact on his bed time, it also means he kicks off at the time he's supposed to come home, basically he's being a pain in the butt all around and his argument is that eldest DS has his dinner later so why can't he?

We also have toddler DS so it impacts on that, his bed time (one of us at work, one of us juggling the kids).

Basically it's all gone to shit.

So I'm thinking I force them all to have dinner at 5.30, I don't care where they are they come home.

Or I cook dinner and no one sits at the bloody table apart from the toddler and it impacts DS3 and therefore DS2's bedtime and nothing is streamline any longer.

Can't do dinner later because I would have the problem I'm already experiencing now, can't do it earlier because the person with the kids won't be back at work yet.

YABU - make them both come home for dinner on time

YANBU - DS1 is older he can come in later, but DS2 and DS3 are younger and should be home for dinner at 5.30.

@Angelina82

I don’t know why everyone’s saying that 5.30 is too early for dinner. As 9 year olds my kids started getting ready for bed at around 7/7.30 on school nights!

Well, lots of 9yo's won't even be home from school at that age. After-school clubs here don't finish until 6pm, then (outside of COVID), there are activities afterwards too.

At 9yo I wasn't getting home until 6.30 at the earliest (school was half an hour drive from home), sometimes we had to do the food shop on the way and I got fed in Sainsbury's cafe, but I never ate dinner before 7pm on school nights. By the time I'd had a shower/bath, done homework and such I was rarely in bed before 9pm.

Not remotely unusual I don't think?

Well, lots of 9yo's won't even be home from school at that age. After-school clubs here don't finish until 6pm, then (outside of COVID), there are activities afterwards too.

At 9yo I wasn't getting home until 6.30 at the earliest (school was half an hour drive from home), sometimes we had to do the food shop on the way and I got fed in Sainsbury's cafe, but I never ate dinner before 7pm on school nights. By the time I'd had a shower/bath, done homework and such I was rarely in bed before 9pm.

That’s fair enough but this obviously isn’t the case for OP, so why should she change her whole routine just because one of her kids is stamping his feet?

I have the opposite problem, my 16 and 13 year old sons are ravenous when they come home from school and are desperate for dinner (even if I try to delay dinner by giving them a snack).

Not sure what time football or whatever ends /the other kids eat their dinner but I wouldn't want to feed my kids separately (unless they were out at an organised commitment). So my vote would be for letting them go out to play again after dinner and only allow them to play with their friends on the condition they're back for dinner together without complaint.

After a day at school, kids need some down time. They need to play and playing outdoors is much better than being stuck indoors on an xbox or whatever. As they get older and have homework/activities/wanmt to do whan their friends ar edoing everything is pushed slightly later.

A slightly later mealtime gives them chance to do this and to actually be hungry.

That’s fair enough but this obviously isn’t the case for OP, so why should she change her whole routine just because one of her kids is stamping his feet?

Well, it's not just one of her children, because it's obviously too early for her 13yo if he's still out with his friends at that time.

Obviously it's her choice when she decides to serve dinner, but I don't think suggesting that 5.30pm is too early is really that out there.

You need to adapt your routines as your children get older. In a couple of years she'll have two children in secondary - maybe now is the time to consider shifting things about a bit to suit everyone a bit better? The toddler can still be fed earlier if necessarily.

The oldest gets perks (and responsibilities). He is responsible for heating up his own food.

9 year old can start working towards having more time outside the house by showing he is mature enough and learning to heat up or cook food for himself.

Maybe after a couple of weeks you could relax the time on a Friday, but he has to still go to bed and get up without moaning.

With boys myself there is a huge difference between a 9 year old and a 13 year old (mines 6ft). 9 year old needs to be back for dinner.

To all those saying 5:30 is too early to eat, my dad would get in from work at around 5 from a manual job and would be ready for his tea, so we all ate around 5 / half past. Brother and I would dash in from playing outside, wolf down tea and race back out. Totally no big deal. So if 5:30 works for the OP for everything she has to work around it then why would she want to move it to later.

@vanillandhoney it’s not because he has after school clubs/activities or the routine that you had as a 9yr old though is it? 🤷🏻‍♀️
But yes as kids get older OP may want to adjust her routine (she’s made allowances for the teenagers already), but at the moment her ds2 is only 9 and she also has a toddler to consider.

[quote Angelina82]@vanillandhoney it’s not because he has after school clubs/activities or the routine that you had as a 9yr old though is it? 🤷🏻‍♀️
But yes as kids get older OP may want to adjust her routine (she’s made allowances for the teenagers already), but at the moment her ds2 is only 9 and she also has a toddler to consider.[/quote]
Why does it matter what the reason is?

As it stands, the current set-up no longer works for two members of the family. For me, the obvious answer is to feed the toddler early and have a second, more grown-up "setting" for everyone else.

At the moment, you have a 13yo that has to reheat his dinner and eat alone, and a 9yo who is kicking off about having to come in and eat so early. So surely now is as good a time as any to consider changing the routine a bit?

Because @vanillandhoney those were the reasons you put to me in reply to my post. Why bother if they didn’t matter/weren’t relevant?
That aside, you think that OP should have to cook a separate meal for the toddler and allow DD2 to stay out, eat and go to bed as late as a teenager to avoid him kicking off? My God, talk about pandering.

@Angelina82

Because *@vanillandhoney* those were the reasons you put to me in reply to my post. Why bother if they didn’t matter/weren’t relevant? That aside, you think that OP should have to cook a separate meal for the toddler and allow DD2 to stay out, eat and go to bed as late as a teenager to avoid him kicking off? My God, talk about pandering.

I was just giving an example...you asked for a reason so I gave you one.

No - I do think she should consider that her children are growing up and no longer want to eat their evening meals so early. Not sure why that's "pandering".

Why should everything continue to revolve around the toddler?

I do think it is reasonable for their to be different rules for children of different ages and that you would be right to assert and enforce that. But TBH I always insisted that my children were home for meals, whatever age they were. If you have gone to the trouble to cook them a meal then they should be taught that it is courteous to be there to eat it with everyone else. Let one or both (as you choose) out after the meal is finished.

No - I do think she should consider that her children are growing up and no longer want to eat their evening meals so early. Not sure why that's "pandering".

Why should everything continue to revolve around the toddler?

My point is that I don’t think 5.30 is ‘so early’. To me it’s a very normal time for children to eat. It would be pandering because it seems the 9yr old was happy to eat at that time until he saw that his big brother was allowed to eat later. He needs to learn that with age comes privilege no matter how much he protests.
And I’m not saying everything should revolve around the toddler, but I don’t think OP should have to cook twice just to appease DS2.

Tell them that dinner is at 53p. Theybdon't show up at 530. either throw their food out of freeze for tomorrow and tell them to eat a sandwich or a piece a fruit.

Seems like the easiest solution to cook dinner later

Could you have a slightly later dinnertime in the summer when it's light enough to play out? Football on the green sounds fun

Or like a PP said come in to eat dinner at 5:30pm (or 6pm - would this impact toddler routine too much to push their meal back 30mins?) and go back out to play after? What do the majority of other kids do, they must be expected home to eat/do homework (in term-time) at some point? What time does the football generally wind down vs. your 9yo's homework and bedtime? I'm guessing your 9yo's requested later dinner clashes with toddler bath and bedtime?

Presumably by winter it's too cold and wet to be outside - it does seem a shame not to make the most of sports/playing out at this age when the alternative is often stuck in front of a screen. Especially edging towards tween/teenage years!

At the end of the day the adults set the rules. However a compromise could make your 9yo/10yo feel a bit more grown up and less babied compared to his older sibling. You could have family mealtime 1 to 3 nights over the weekend, non-negotiable.

My point is that I don’t think 5.30 is ‘so early’.

That's fine, but clearly lots of people disagree with you. Most people aren't even home from work then, let alone sitting down to eat their evening meals.

And I’m not saying everything should revolve around the toddler, but I don’t think OP should have to cook twice just to appease DS2

But it wouldn't be appeasing DS2, because the current arrangement doesn't suit DS1 either. Personally, I'd rather shift everything by an hour and eat with my children, rather than upset one, and leave the other to eat his reheated dinner on his own.

But it wouldn't be appeasing DS2, because the current arrangement doesn't suit DS1 either. Personally, I'd rather shift everything by an hour and eat with my children, rather than upset one, and leave the other to eat his reheated dinner on his own.

But OP has already said a later dinner would impact on the bedtime routine. And 6.30 is very late for a toddler to eat. Also let’s not forget the importance of DS2 learning the word ‘NO.’

5.30 is what I'd see as normal dinner time for a 9yo. They will have had lunch at 12.

My 16yo has his dinner with me at 6! He does swim 3 evenings a week and is at college until 4.30pm.

I agree with saying he comes in at 5.30. Either without fuss and can for out afterwards for half hour or he fussed and doesn't even get to go out following day.

You aren't running a restaurant!

I do agree though I'd want my 13yo in at least 2 evenings M-Th for 5.30 dinner. Not least because of making sure they do homework.
I'd also expect them to be in for dinner on one weekend evening with the family too.

@Perro

I’d move teatime to 6pm and insist they’re both there, at the table.

yes me too and make a big deal that you've listened and compromised maturely and expect them to do the same

It it's not the 9yo who is making the fuss and refusing to behave who is compromising.

It's the 13yo who they are happy with the arrangements for.

What happened next time when the eldest is 14/15/16 and younger is 10/11/12. How fat does the eldest have to compromise on what he's doing - and have less for the middle one to behave?

I agree with those who say “fair treatment is not always the same treatment”. You can’t have the same rules for a 13 yo and a 9yo, just as you wouldn’t treat the 9 yo and the toddler the same.

I don’t let my 11 yo stay out past dinner time! Generally I ask her to be back by 5.30 even though our dinner time is 6 pm - always has been.

You could compromise and say if he behaves dinner will go back to 6pm as a kind of carrot, as surely any later would be too late for a 9 yo?

@stovetopespresso yes me too and make a big deal that you've listened and compromised maturely and expect them to do the same

How is that any sort of compromise for the 9yo?

That would be the entire household changing their routine to suit the 9yo. That’s not compromising, that’s pandering to his strops.

What time is the working parent back? In your set-up I’d ideally feed the toddler at 5.30 then have everyone else eat together later on.