My DCs can't speak my native language - I failed. Can I still change this?

[nopedout]

Posting for AIBU traffic.

Background - I've lived in the UK over half of my life now and married to my lovely English DH. 2 DCs 6 and 3. I have a big family back in my home country including DGPs. We predominately speak English at home as DH can't speak my language and it was easier for DCs. We've been through some horrible stuff over the past 5 years including nearly loosing our home so focusing on DCs languages was never really in the forefront of what we did which is awful I admit.
My parents also live in the UK fairly close to me but I am LC due to their alcohol issues so might see them once or twice a month - not enough for DCs to pick anything up.

I feel awful every time I FaceTime my DGPs and they can't communicate with their DGC. I feel like I've completely failed on that front and fear that there's no turning it around now due to their ages. DC1 knows hello, bye and lots of animal names as he loves animals and apart from that a couple of small words like cutlery names / drink / toilet. Can't form sentences or really understand properly what is being said. I've noticed when we visited my home country in the past DC1 seemed a lot more switched on being around the language and even picked up a phrase or two.

But we visit once a year (unable to this year) so this doesn't cut it. DCs are at school and nursery in the week using English all the time. When they get home we speak English as otherwise DH wouldn't know what's going on or what I'm asking them to do and it's dinner/bath/bed and rinse and repeat Mon-Fri.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or has any advice on what I could possibly do now?
Has anyone had their DC learn a language successfully outside of school?

Im not worried about reading/writing just speaking..
I'm open to any advice.

Just start speaking to them in your own language, all the time. Your DH will work out enough.

Is it as simple as that though @Climbingallthetrees ?

Will they not get confused if I just start speaking my language? They won't understand instructions or what I'm asking them to do... I'm not sure how to approach that.

How much does it really really matter to you?

I don't speak my DM's language. It turns out after 60 years in this country, neither does she very well when we had to go her embassy - a lot of things change over the course of a lifetime.

I loved my DGP massively and they loved me, I got incredibly spoilt for being the one that wasn't there all the time so my rubbish language didn't get in the way.

Plus I've probably seen more of her home country than most people that live there, and still do a lot of traditional customs.

I'm trying to learn now in my 40s but that's my choice. My DM took the view she had moved to the UK, got married and was going to integrate. It's not a very fashionable view now and she was v sad I didn't learn but I would say I'm still bicultural.

They will pick it up if they hear it all the time. What is the language if you're ok to answer that? Depending on its root, it may be easier/harder for English speakers to learn.
Also, I knew a girl who had a French speaking parent. They put post it notes with the name of the object in French all over the house....

We have a bilingual DD. TV is only in the minority language, we try to speak it at home, lots of minority language books/games, weekly classes in the language, playdates with other families who speak it.

Why not speak to your DC in your language one day a week? You can make a game of it.

It took a long time for my daughter to speak my mother tongue, but she started really using it fluently during lockdown as less contact with the language of the country we live in. Before then, I spoke my language, she replied in another. I have mostly spoken to her in my language since she was born, switching to other language when in contact with others (so everyone can understandwhat is going on). Maybe start using your language in everyday situations that you are managing, and also when with them and they want something, suggest they try asking using your language, to get them speaking. It might feel strange at first for you but you will adapt. If you know anyone else who speaks your language locally and has kids, suggest meet ups so that they can learn to play and interact in that language, and use all tools available, so CDs of songs in the car, cartoons in your language, etc. They will pick it up, and faster than you would probably think!

Two language family here! Similar ages too - we tend to use the two languages together - eg if i want to ask a question i would say it first in the languge i want them to learn and then add english after, every single time. Once thats learned a little, drop the english, might add some gestures if they need help. Also encourage by responding to english in my native language. Honestly, at 6 and 3 its really not too late, persist, get your husband to learn with them. Use the language whenever you can. They are like sponges at that age!

Is there a weekend club they can attend in your language? A friend of ours did this and it worked out well. Plus speak to them in your language and buy books/films in your language to help. It's a really great gift if you can do it!

We're the other way around, in that our children speak our native language, but are learning the community language (for us, French). My oldest is 5 and didn't speak French until he started school at 3, where he had to learn. My youngest still doesn't, he's just turned 2. I don't think it's too late for you to turn this around, although you may only be able to give them a passive understanding of the language if they're not willing to cooperate! If you start talking to them only in your language (with lots of gestures and pointing at relevant things so they get the vocabulary) they will learn to understand you. They know you speak English, though, so you may struggle to get them to reply in anything other than English. But when talking to their grandparents, who don't speak English, they may surprise you!

You do need to be consistent with it, though, and your husband is going to have to be on board, since he doesn't speak your language. Perhaps he could learn alongside the kids? Make a game out of it somehow?

I’d second the previous poster re saying in your language and then English before dropping some of the English. My friend is half Spanish and wanted her kids to be able to speak to family in Spain. She started small - eg do you want a glass of water - in Spanish and then English and then dropped the English. By the time they went to Spain a year later they could have conversations and then improved so much in the week they were there.

Hi there, I’m Welsh and my girls father is Irish, living in NI at the minute

My little girl is 18 months and understands Welsh and English, she says a few words in both

Like has been said, TV is in Welsh, I reads books to her in Welsh and her dad reads in English. It’s worth getting bilingual books (they have the words in English under the other language) We found it means we can both read her favourite stories and for older children would help them learn.

Dad is picking up Welsh very quickly too.

Children are sponges, use your language all of the time whenever you can. Dad will pick it up and it’s ok to switch from talking to them in your mother tongue to talking to Dad in English, they will pick it up very very quickly

I don't have personal experience of this, but I would assume it's never too late to introduce a different language, and the sooner the better

@nopedout

Is it as simple as that though *@Climbingallthetrees* ?

Will they not get confused if I just start speaking my language? They won't understand instructions or what I'm asking them to do... I'm not sure how to approach that.

You may have to speak both and repeat yourself while they get the hang of it, so for example when you say "would you like a banana?" repeat in your language then gradually phase the English out. Might be hard work, and whether you do it depends on how important it is to you, but it will become more natural as time passes. Also, they know that this language exists and their grandparents use it so use that to motivate them.

Don't beat yourself up. English is everywhere, so it's hard to teach and keep kids bilingual. Yes, kids are good at picking up language, but they can be lazy too (not consciously, just English is easy when it's everwhere).

My friends who do it tend to speak only in their native language at home to the kids (dad does English), but even that isn't really enough. One has hired a tutor for an hour or so a week, and makes sure they have books and videos in that language too.

Why has your DH (and indeed perhaps your DGPs) not learnt a few basic phrases in what for them is not their native language? My brother in law is not English and when I visit his family or speak to them I know a few basics.

I live abroad in the former Soviet Union and there are two main languages plus English. I speak a smattering of the two languages but understand a bit more...after 20 years! Kids (16, 14, 7) speak English plus one of the languages fairly fluently and the other as a "foreign" language. But they don't read or write so well.

The ideal way as a pp suggests is for you to speak only in your own language, and your DH to speak only in English. To transition, you might try giving your instruction first in English, then in your own language - then after a couple of weeks only in your own language.

For the 3yo it should be reasonably easy and a good time to start. The 6yo may find it a bit harder but it's not too late so persist. Eventually DH may even pick up a bit, at least on the instructions side if not conversation.

Is there any TV available in your own language? If not, YouTube or NetFlix can be good for this, especially if there are subtitles, or programmes the kids know already in English. Also are there any suitable children's books available? AFAIR, when you set up the NetFlix account it asks which language - then offers (mainly) programme content in that language. Also be sure to install the right language options on any computers, tablets, phones etc.

You need to do this on your own, they don't see DGPs often enough, for whatever reason. So it's going to need commitment, and support and encouragement from DH.

Good luck.

Just start from now on, they are still young enough to learn. I know families where each parent speaks in their own languages and that works. Though it may risk your husband feeling excluded if he doesn’t intend to learn any.

They could also watch children's programmes on youtube in your language.

I was brought up speaking English and my father's native language interchangeably. I started off just speaking English, but when the idea of us moving back to his homeland was a possibility for a while they started trying to teach me his language when I was about 2.5

To echo pp - my parents basically used simple questions or instructions as a way to get me used to the language.

"Juice or water?"
"Fetch your shoes." Etc. Where even if I didn't know the words I could work out the context and learnt from there. Singing songs or nursery rhymes in the new language is also super helpful. After 10 years of not speaking Welsh (which I was pretty good at after going to a Welsh language primary school and going GCSE Welsh) mine is very rusty but I can still remember all those rhymes and stuff word for word and translate them

A friend of mine only talks in her native language while making lunch and dinner with her kids. She started with teaching them the names of foods and went from there.

Firstly, it's great that you're thinking like this now. Being bilingual is such an asset, whatever the language.
Do all screen time in your native language. Read them stories in your language (you can do this bilingually.) Don't switch to the other language just because your DP is present, unless he's part of the conversation- he will pick it up too.
English is so pervasive, you don't have to actually learn it. I spoke another language at home, complete immersion in it, school was in other language, friends were all other language- but everyone spoke English by age 4. It's everywhere. My children have had the same experience.

We predominately speak English at home as DH can't speak my language and it was easier for DCs.

So why isn't he learning ? (Apologies if he is).

My DS has been going out with a girl from Latvia for a few months, and has already picked up enough to say "Hi", "How are you", count, and days of week and a few verbs and nouns.

Definitely just start speaking it at home, build it in to everyday conversation. Easier with the young one. Any classes they can attend? Tv in that language, books etc? They’ll need to be immersed in it, try to make it an everyday part of life

I think it is the biggest gift you could ever give your children.

All of my (now adult) DC wish they spoke other languages, and have worked really hard to pick up a few, but all of them have multi national friends who speak 2, 3 or even 4 languages in addition to English.