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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My DCs can't speak my native language - I failed. Can I still change this?

142 replies

nopedout · 08/09/2020 12:39

Posting for AIBU traffic.

Background - I've lived in the UK over half of my life now and married to my lovely English DH. 2 DCs 6 and 3. I have a big family back in my home country including DGPs. We predominately speak English at home as DH can't speak my language and it was easier for DCs. We've been through some horrible stuff over the past 5 years including nearly loosing our home so focusing on DCs languages was never really in the forefront of what we did which is awful I admit.
My parents also live in the UK fairly close to me but I am LC due to their alcohol issues so might see them once or twice a month - not enough for DCs to pick anything up.

I feel awful every time I FaceTime my DGPs and they can't communicate with their DGC. I feel like I've completely failed on that front and fear that there's no turning it around now due to their ages. DC1 knows hello, bye and lots of animal names as he loves animals and apart from that a couple of small words like cutlery names / drink / toilet. Can't form sentences or really understand properly what is being said. I've noticed when we visited my home country in the past DC1 seemed a lot more switched on being around the language and even picked up a phrase or two.

But we visit once a year (unable to this year) so this doesn't cut it. DCs are at school and nursery in the week using English all the time. When they get home we speak English as otherwise DH wouldn't know what's going on or what I'm asking them to do and it's dinner/bath/bed and rinse and repeat Mon-Fri.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or has any advice on what I could possibly do now?
Has anyone had their DC learn a language successfully outside of school?

Im not worried about reading/writing just speaking..
I'm open to any advice.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 08/09/2020 13:32

I agree that you need to only talk to them in your language. Yes they will learn it, surprisingly quickly. In the beginning you can make it into a game, where they have to guess what you are saying.
Bilingualism is good for your brain, and will help them a lot later on if they want to learn a third language. My children are bilingual and easily flip from one to the other.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/09/2020 13:32

My husband has another language and my children 5 and 2.5 speak it though not as fluently as English.

It's hard work and you've got to be prepared to do it and be consistent.

He speaks to them only in his language. If they speak to him in English he says in his language to repeat it in his language or no conversation / they don't get what they want. TV is mainly in their language - he has to download a lot of stuff. He only reads them books in their language. He also takes them to a language school at the weekend.
And they still are behind compared to their English.

The only way you can do it is be completely consistent ie speak to them in your language 100pc of the time or 100pc of the time at home. If you switch to English when you're tired/ they don't understand etc then it wont work.

They wont understand at first but they will very quickly pick it up. You can help them ie explain once what you're saying in English then repeat it in your language. Or if they speak to you in English explain how to say it in their language and only engage when they do this.

I have picked up enough that I can vaguely tell what he is saying to them (it's easier with the younger one as nobody has complex conversations with a 2.5 year old ) but it is a bit of a pain to me to ask him to explain what hes agreed with them eg they will ask him for something in his language and if they dont like the answer they will ask me and sometimes I end up contradicting him.

Sometimes if we are all speaking together in the same conversation around the dinner table we switch to English otherwise we wouldnt have a whole family conversation but that's a relatively small part of the day

SimonJT · 08/09/2020 13:33

Don’t beat yourself up, nothing positive will come out of that.

Use your language at home, I almost exclusively speak my first language with my son, he started learning it from two. He does have a hearing impairment and he was a bit behind. Hes now five and as fluent in my first language as an average five year old, he speaks English with other people and his English is as good as a native speakers.

The hardest part is being strict with yourself and stopping yourself from using English:

StuntCroissant · 08/09/2020 13:35

OP don't beat yourself up. My DH only speaks his mother tongue to our two children (similar ages) and they are not much more advanced than yours. Certainly can't talk in full sentences. Unless it is the primary language spoken at home, it is very difficult.
Could you parents perhaps learn a little English? DH's parents have really thrown themselves into it and now speak both languages to our DC.

Curioushorse · 08/09/2020 13:38

Another Welsh one here. My husband is welsh and has started speaking to the kids in Welsh- just a few words here and there- throughout lockdown. It’s amazing how much they’ve picked up, and also how quickly they’ve started just accepting it as being a language they use just with him and his parents. So far it’s mainly food, sports and insults, but they take it completely for granted now and particularly when we went to wales recently, they just used the words casually to chat to people. Go for it, and good luck!

And could you get the grandparents onboard? Perhaps involved in the teaching?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 08/09/2020 13:38

Definitely not too late. I'm finally learning my Grandfather's language at 43 and my 2 and 5 year olds are finding it much easier than I am. As another poster said, we have post its stuck around labelling items, we listen to stories/music and watch TV in the language and I try and use it as much as possible. Would a language class be an option too? My 5 year does French as well through a language class and I'm impressed at how much he's taken in.

CaveMum · 08/09/2020 13:41

My work colleague‘S son moved to Greece and married a Greek woman. When they had children they agreed that he would only speak English to the children and his wife would only speak Greek - they didn’t want the children learning English with a Greek accent or vice versa! It works very well for them.

Your children are not too old (no one is too old to learn a new language, it just gets a bit harder as you get older!) so give it a try and see how it goes.

Tee22 · 08/09/2020 13:41

It's my biggest regret! Please start doing it asap. Even my nearly 20 year old sons blamed me (in a nice way) for not teaching them. I was brought up bilingual, I just felt embarrassed/rude to do it with my own children for some reason. We then went on to move to other parts of Europe where it would have been really useful for my children. It's an amazing gift you can give them.

Fink · 08/09/2020 13:41

They're still young enough to learn. OPOL (one parent, one language - i.e. your DH would speak to them exclusively in English and you exclusively in your own language) is the gold standard, but if you can't manage that then anything you can do helps. If you can support it with tv, books, music, and any other resources in the minority language (the minority one being the one which isn't spoken around them in school, shops etc., even if it's not a minority language as such) that would vastly help.

A lot depends on the attitude of the other parent. In families where OPOL works really successfully, both parents are supportive. Often the other parent will make efforts to learn the other's language, perhaps alongside the kids, but at the very least they need to be accepting of it and not dismissive just because they can't understand it.

Depending on how common the language is in the UK, you may well find children's groups for speakers of that language, possibly Saturday classes for when they're older (helps with the problem that a lot of kids brought up like that have good oral but very poor written and reading skills in the parent's language - it's called 'kitchen language' because you tend to have a lot of vocabulary associated with the home and not much wider).

Personally (as an MFL teacher), I wouldn't mix and match with English if you can help it, even as a transition. Make the decision with your DH as to what will work, but if possible what you should be going for is zero English with dc. Make it clear what you're saying by using pictures, hand gestures, pointing etc.

Please don't think it's OPOL or nothing. OPOL is the best, but they can still pick up language with lesser input.

Don't expect them to speak back to you straight away. Second language acquisition, when done properly (and not forced like it is in schools) should work like first language acquistion. That means a long time absorbing language before producing any (think of all the months/years a baby spends listening before they make any coherent speech). So don't worry if they don't want to repeat things you say. You just chatter away and let them listen.

If the older one is reluctant (you will almost certainly get whinging along the lines of 'I don't understand' / 'I don't speak X' for quite a long time), the best thing long term is to stand firm and not resort to English. Make sure your meaning is clear if it's anything like an instruction that s/he actually needs to respond to. A picture of a toothbrush and miming brushing teeth alongside saying 'go and brush your teeth'. But no English. When the language has been established, you can translate words either way when a new word comes up, but it should be avoided as much as possible.

It may help to make favourite TV shows, films etc. only available in the target language for a while until you've properly got into it. That doesn't mean no tv in English forever, but just until the second language is established.

Oaktree55 · 08/09/2020 13:42

I think you’ve done the right thing. I have extended family who bring kids up bilingual and they are behind with English at school which affects their confidence.

mrpumblechook · 08/09/2020 13:43

Start speaking your own language. It wouldn't confuse if you did that from birth and it definitely won't now . You might find that they answer back in English now but at least they will get some understanding and will perhaps communicate with your family better. My DC are bilingual because DH has always spoken to them in his language.

user1471478181 · 08/09/2020 13:43

There is a website www.duolingo.com/ it may your husband

mrpumblechook · 08/09/2020 13:44

@Oaktree55

I think you’ve done the right thing. I have extended family who bring kids up bilingual and they are behind with English at school which affects their confidence.
That's the sort of bullshit they came out with in the 50s and it's rubbish. If they are behind with English it has nothing to do with being bilingual.
Fimofriend · 08/09/2020 13:46

Peppa Pig is really good for kids that age. Regardless of which language it is in they speak slowly and clearly and talk about the things they do. I know not everyone likes the show but ...

BluebellsGreenbells · 08/09/2020 13:47

Babies hear English (in this case) for two years before speaking it in some minor form.
And 5 years before they start writing it.

If you think in that context you need to speak to them for a while before they’ll understand and pick it up.

Try music or tv programmes as extras

1WildTeaParty · 08/09/2020 13:47

If both of you show respect for your language, your children will pick it up even more quickly.

It is very good for them to learn a second language (good for their developing brains rather than just as a means of communication with your family).

SimonJT · 08/09/2020 13:48

@Oaktree55

I think you’ve done the right thing. I have extended family who bring kids up bilingual and they are behind with English at school which affects their confidence.
Being behind in English has nothing to do with being bilingual. Typically children who speak more than one language are shown to have improved language skills.
Fressia123 · 08/09/2020 13:49

My honest opinion is that it doesn't really matter. Aome kids are better than others. My DD 10 barely speaks mine and my DM only chews English. Yes, they can't communicate that we'll, but it also got to a point where she couldn't even understand me. So I have up and my relationship with my own daughter improved. Massively.

Natsku · 08/09/2020 13:50

Definitely start speaking your language to your children. You can use English for conversations that your DH is a part of but the rest of the time only your language.
Have a look in there are any Saturday Schools for your language in your area.

Its not too late, don't worry about that, you just need to be consistent now.

kangaShade · 08/09/2020 13:50

Start now! Your kids are definitely not too old to learn. One of my friends' native language is English and she only moved to the UK when she was 8 (she's completely forgotten her mother tongue now).

I'm sure there are loads of online resources out there for parents of multilingual kids.

HannahStern · 08/09/2020 13:51

@Oaktree55

I think you’ve done the right thing. I have extended family who bring kids up bilingual and they are behind with English at school which affects their confidence.
What is your excuse?
ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 08/09/2020 13:53

Definitely not too late at 6 and 3. If you start speaking it around them, teaching them phrases and vocabulary etc, you will get their ear in, which is the bit that makes it harder to learn later if it's missing. Then also look at CDs and DVDs, online material, TV, books, etc. Young kids pick up languages very easily, but they also lose them easily, so once you start you need to keep it up.

But I have to say, I think it sucks that their father hasn't made some effort to learn your language. It is part of you and your culture, and as you have kids together, part of their culture too. If he made an effort to learn too, it would help you keep the momentum up with them.

The other thing with kids who learn a second language informally at home is that their grammar and written language often lags behind their spoken level, so it might be good to help them with that here and there before it becomes a yawning gap. Formal learning at school can meet that need, but depending on what the language is they may not have that opportunity.

WiserOlder · 08/09/2020 13:54

Sympathies. I can well understand how the best of intentions dont come to fruition. I think the confusion sorts itself out in time though so keep trying!!

My Irish friend who lives in Spain is about 4 and she had a lie in and told her mum i Spanish 'i had a lion in the bed". Cute!
Another friend who lives here, she gave up on french because her youngest had a special educational need and they made that decision. But he has amazed them by picking up a smattering of french anyway.

RainbowRaine · 08/09/2020 13:55

Can you start by saying simple instructions in both languages, for example ask them to brush their teeth.

Say it first in one language and then repeat in the other.

DH should pick it up easier that way too.

snygghygge · 08/09/2020 13:56

Hello, longtime lurker here!
Lots of good advice here: Speaking in you native language with the DC, TV, music, and audio books etc in the second language, get your husband on board. Consider language camps during the holidays.
I grew up trilingual. As a teenager I refused to speak my mother's first language. Luckily, I went to university for a few years in her native country which settled the language for me, which is a very good thing: When my mother developed dementia, her non-native language was the first to go. If I hadn't learnt her mother tongue we would be unable to communicate by now.

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