My DCs can't speak my native language - I failed. Can I still change this?

[nopedout]

Posting for AIBU traffic.

Background - I've lived in the UK over half of my life now and married to my lovely English DH. 2 DCs 6 and 3. I have a big family back in my home country including DGPs. We predominately speak English at home as DH can't speak my language and it was easier for DCs. We've been through some horrible stuff over the past 5 years including nearly loosing our home so focusing on DCs languages was never really in the forefront of what we did which is awful I admit.
My parents also live in the UK fairly close to me but I am LC due to their alcohol issues so might see them once or twice a month - not enough for DCs to pick anything up.

I feel awful every time I FaceTime my DGPs and they can't communicate with their DGC. I feel like I've completely failed on that front and fear that there's no turning it around now due to their ages. DC1 knows hello, bye and lots of animal names as he loves animals and apart from that a couple of small words like cutlery names / drink / toilet. Can't form sentences or really understand properly what is being said. I've noticed when we visited my home country in the past DC1 seemed a lot more switched on being around the language and even picked up a phrase or two.

But we visit once a year (unable to this year) so this doesn't cut it. DCs are at school and nursery in the week using English all the time. When they get home we speak English as otherwise DH wouldn't know what's going on or what I'm asking them to do and it's dinner/bath/bed and rinse and repeat Mon-Fri.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or has any advice on what I could possibly do now?
Has anyone had their DC learn a language successfully outside of school?

Im not worried about reading/writing just speaking..
I'm open to any advice.

Children just want to communicate, and pick up languages fast just through play and chat. For several years, a niece spoke more Portuguese than English.

My DS is 6, and starting from lockdown he had hour long individual lessons with a native teacher, who was militant about the minority language being spoken exclusively by the relevant parent. It made a massive difference. When we spent time with grandparents this summer he actually spoke in their language. It was incredible! He is now joining Saturday school for the next few years, which he will hate, but I think is essential for standing a chance of being bilingual. We also have tv in the language wherever it is available

I work in the education area I'm always so sad when parents haven't raised their kids bi lingual or tri lingual. Literally just speak to them in your language ( shame on hubby for not going to classes pre marriage! ) he will learn as you speak if it's a language with a community in your area there will be be Saturday school club for your kids to meet other bi kids

Honestly I really judge parents who can't do this and give their kids their culture ( and an easy A grade at gcse) it's no effort to google all about it and it's a shame you didn't do this when you were discussing having kids together

Sorry I come across bossy and judgey

But I am about this issue

@nitsandwormsdodger as some who tried and tried for many years you do come across as horrible and judgey. Being bilingual (like I am) has really made no difference to my career in the grand scheme of things. Some kids simply aren't built that way. Children have to have something they can relate to beyond their parents IMO. If there's no local community that speaks the second language it makes it even harder. I'm not saying people can't make it work and in glad for them, for some of us aren't as lucky.

shame on hubby for not going to classes pre marriage

Not really... Not everyone learns each other's languages. We didn't. Simply because they are difficult sons of bitches ones

and an easy A grade at gcse

Wait. What do you mean. Can they take their second mother tongue as a gcse subject? I wouldn't think they could. But then again, English is. But that's still bit odd?

How could you stop them?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

and an easy A grade at gcse

Wait. What do you mean. Can they take their second mother tongue as a gcse subject? I wouldn't think they could. But then again, English is. But that's still bit odd?

Why would they not be able to do so?

It's no different to someone whose parent is a musician and teaches them piano from age 3 or any other skill learned in the family home that gives an advantage in school.

I have no idea why I would never think of that😂 It feels like cheating/waste of time thing. My brain is being weird

I studied bilingualism and language development.

The 6 year-old may be a bit too late to acquire your native language fluently. But it is not impossible at all.

Please continue to speak to your native language in the home. This would not confuse your child at all. The idea is that as your child is at school (in England) he will continue to grow his English language.

Does your DH speak your native language? If he is a monolingual speaker (is only speaking one language-English) he can continue to speak English to them.

Do not feel guilty at all. Continue to speak to them in your home language and they will get it.

Children’s programmes or films they already know well in English, in your language.

Books they know well in English, in your language (this is probably better that programmes)

and an easy A grade at gcse

Wait. What do you mean. Can they take their second mother tongue as a gcse subject? I wouldn't think they could. But then again, English is. But that's still bit odd

I’ve known people who’ve done their degree in the second native language!

@buildingbridge

I studied bilingualism and language development.

The 6 year-old may be a bit too late to acquire your native language fluently. But it is not impossible at all.

Please continue to speak to your native language in the home. This would not confuse your child at all. The idea is that as your child is at school (in England) he will continue to grow his English language.

Does your DH speak your native language? If he is a monolingual speaker (is only speaking one language-English) he can continue to speak English to them.

Do not feel guilty at all. Continue to speak to them in your home language and they will get it.

@buildingbridge seen that I, as an adult, was able to become bilingual. So did the OP

I’m pretty sure that a 6yo can become bilingual too.

What MIGHT be different is the accent. But again, the OP is the proof you can learn a language as an adult and have no accent at all.

I find it sad that people are told it’s impossible to be bilingual if you don’t learn a language as a child.

I'm the child of a parent who wasn't English, and one who was. The non-native English one didn't speak to us in their language (all relatives on that side also spoke English as they worked internationally). Let me tell you it's much much harder trying to learn it in my 30s, especially as I've never been good at languages. Speak it to them now and I'm sure they'll be grateful when they're older.

I want to move to the other country one day hence the trying to learn now.

@nitsandwormsdodger, can I ask if you raised bilingual children too? In the situation the OP is in, as in visit to her country once a year, husband not speaking a word of her language (and her having forgotten her mother tongue in some way so it’s harder to use her mother tongue tha English)

Yes I agree raising children bilingual is great for them. But I wouldnt dare judging anyone who doesn’t do that, seen the effort and the time necessary to manage to do that.
My two are bilingual. They still speak French to me as teens. They are also unusual around me because all the others now only speak English rather than the weaker language. And some of them never got a level of fluency you would call ‘bilingual’.

It also makes my blood boil when I hear that ‘it’s just too easy for my dcs to get great marks at gcse’.
Well yes. They had to make the effort to learn two languages when their peers were only learning one. They might have been children but they still needed to make the effort. And then the still needed to learn the grammar, the spelling, the rules etc... as well as the vocabulary. It didn’t just happen. It only happened in a different way and at a different time than monolingual children.

QuestionMarkNow

Language learning is critical during a certain age point and is at this stage, it is rapid. That is a fact. However, I did say in my OP, that it is not impossible to become fluently (bilingual) later on.... it may just take a bit longer. Good on the you that you were able to learn language as an adult. Some adults are not able to acquire fluency in a learnt language. Shows that all our brains are different.

A lot of our friends are Danish/English or Swedish/English couples. Friends in Denmark and Sweden have raised bilingual children with very little effort, friends in the UK have put in far more effort but their children aren't anywhere near as fluent in their second language.

@WaffleCash

A lot of our friends are Danish/English or Swedish/English couples. Friends in Denmark and Sweden have raised bilingual children with very little effort, friends in the UK have put in far more effort but their children aren't anywhere near as fluent in their second language.

But in Denmark and Sweden, they are surrounded by English (the minority language). Even toys/ trading cards etc come in English. Not to mention the lack of dubbing in older children/ teen programs. The same cannot be said of swedish and danish in England...

Yes, I'm just illustrating that it's not as simple as opol. The environment and the language impacts on language acquisition hugely.

Can't believe some people refuse to engage in conversation with thier own children unless they use the right language.

And forcing children to extra school as well.

@nopedout

Wow so much advice thank you!

@Fink that's very thorough thank you for taking the time to write it all out - my only question is - what about when I really need to be able to comfort and talk to DC properly ? For example. DC who is 6 sometimes likes to tell me his worries/upsets or any problems or little dramas at school, especially one on one. It's always a real bonding moment when I can talk it through with him and alleviate his worries or make him feel better and have a cuddle. Doing that is not possible when using just my native language and won't be at least for several years. Do I make an exception for those times or miss out on them?

I was brought up bilingual and if it got too hard/was important my mother would switch to my preferred language. Although she would automatically mention some words in her own language as well. For example : honey why are you worried (and then repeat the word worried in her own language). I was always allowed to speak whatever language I wished, but she actively chose to answer in her language as much as I could follow. We didn't do one parent one lamguage or just one language at home versus school. I did need weekly private language lessons aside from school to learn the grammar and spelling but that was fine.

Also, sesame street is great! They very clearly articulate and show the meaning of words/letters/ numbers. Make it a daily fun habit to watch with your kids.

We adopted our children when they were aged 5 and 6 years. They are young teenagers now. We spend the summers in our country of origin and have been teaching them grammar etc for an hour a day since March. When in the UK we mostly speak English at home. We have just transferred them to another school in which all their lessons are taught in their second language.

It is definitely not too late for your children.

@zwellers I don’t know about you, but I have had to force DC to do lots of things in their lives, from teeth brushing as toddlers to enforcing heathy diet now a bit down the line. Believe me, I would much rather not spend every Saturday morning sorting logistics of language school, but when you get into a situation when English grandparents have a wonderful relationship with your DC and the other language GPS can’t ever get beyond ‘How are you’ something has to be done. I strongly feel that it is worth pushing through the pain barrier on this front. Plus proper fluency will
Give DC more options job wise down the line

Two bilingual children here (fully bilingual as writing, reading, etc)- language spoken at home and weekly classes to boost vocabulary and writing. I am so happy we did it- the children have an amazing bond with grandparents which simply would not exist if they haven't spoken the language.
And bonus- an additional GCSE (taken on top of mandatory MFL one) and hopefully A level too in the near future, which will require some preparation, but will be taken externally on top of usual 3/4 at school.