My DCs can't speak my native language - I failed. Can I still change this?

[nopedout]

Posting for AIBU traffic.

Background - I've lived in the UK over half of my life now and married to my lovely English DH. 2 DCs 6 and 3. I have a big family back in my home country including DGPs. We predominately speak English at home as DH can't speak my language and it was easier for DCs. We've been through some horrible stuff over the past 5 years including nearly loosing our home so focusing on DCs languages was never really in the forefront of what we did which is awful I admit.
My parents also live in the UK fairly close to me but I am LC due to their alcohol issues so might see them once or twice a month - not enough for DCs to pick anything up.

I feel awful every time I FaceTime my DGPs and they can't communicate with their DGC. I feel like I've completely failed on that front and fear that there's no turning it around now due to their ages. DC1 knows hello, bye and lots of animal names as he loves animals and apart from that a couple of small words like cutlery names / drink / toilet. Can't form sentences or really understand properly what is being said. I've noticed when we visited my home country in the past DC1 seemed a lot more switched on being around the language and even picked up a phrase or two.

But we visit once a year (unable to this year) so this doesn't cut it. DCs are at school and nursery in the week using English all the time. When they get home we speak English as otherwise DH wouldn't know what's going on or what I'm asking them to do and it's dinner/bath/bed and rinse and repeat Mon-Fri.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or has any advice on what I could possibly do now?
Has anyone had their DC learn a language successfully outside of school?

Im not worried about reading/writing just speaking..
I'm open to any advice.

Or do a treasure hunt for chocolate with all of the instructions in yr language to make it fun

Thank you mrpumblechook- was about to say the same thing!!! Don't think it has anything to do with being bilingual ( or polyglot)

As for advice for the op- definitely not too late to start- from birth is always going to be better but obviously for some families it's not possible- I wouldn't give English translations to what you're saying- they'll understand more with each repetition- maybe start it like a game- speak in target language for an hour- or dedicate one activity each day to your language then increase over time.

Our DC all speak 2 languages- hope it will help them learn other languages more easily as they grow up.

Good luck !

@nopedout

Is it as simple as that though *@Climbingallthetrees* ?

Will they not get confused if I just start speaking my language? They won't understand instructions or what I'm asking them to do... I'm not sure how to approach that.

Just speak...I had bilingual friends at school and they were fluent in both English and Greek/English /Italian, and French, and flitted in and out of both languages so easily... Friend's mum would say something in heavily accented English, and her daughter would answer, and they would argue in Greek...

''Εσείς τα κορίτσια πρέπει να κοιμηθείτε! κάνετε πολύ θόρυβο ... απενεργοποιήστε τη μουσική! .. Και οι δύο πρέπει να έρθετε στην εκκλησία το πρωί.''

I'd be saying ''Wow, your mum was in a bate...what was she saying?''... and friend would translate.

Both families had their DC in England, but spoke to them in both languages at home.
It seemed effortless. 👍

At that age my dc didn’t speak my mt. Now 10 and 13 they chat away fairly completely with relatives back home.

Speaking to them in my mt all the time didn’t work for me, so we started with 15 minutes a day and worked our way up to half an hour. Ideally should have been one hour but because I’m horribly lazy never got there.

Could you repeat yourself? Say it first in your language then in English? Eg "Kannst du das Brot bringen? Can you bring the bread?" Maybe you husband might pick some up too! Might turn into a pain, though.

Forgive my basic/probably wrong German, any native speakers!

agree with others. speak your language to dc and maybe introduce your language tv days as well.
is there a language saturday school?
when older holiday camps in your country/language might be an option.

be patient, the dc might not answer to you in the second language for some time (or never).

look up opol (one parent one language)

I think most children understand more than they can say so I agree with starting speaking more in your native language. Reassess after a few months and see where your at.

Are there any local clubs near you they could join when they are a bit older, any community groups for people from your home country? Hearing the language in other settings could help.

Wow so much advice thank you!

@Fink that's very thorough thank you for taking the time to write it all out - my only question is - what about when I really need to be able to comfort and talk to DC properly ? For example. DC who is 6 sometimes likes to tell me his worries/upsets or any problems or little dramas at school, especially one on one. It's always a real bonding moment when I can talk it through with him and alleviate his worries or make him feel better and have a cuddle. Doing that is not possible when using just my native language and won't be at least for several years. Do I make an exception for those times or miss out on them?

Sympathies here too, I'm bilingual having been raised abroad and then returned to the UK, and for similar reasons do not intend to pass it on to DS (it's different in my case though because the non English language is my second language). I would do what others have said, start by having set times where you only speak in that language, first by saying it in both and then by dropping English. The 3 year old would no doubt pick it up even if you went straight for the target language, but will probably help the 6 year old to hear both.

Agree with speaking only in your own language, and your DH to speak only in English. You could also join in some bilingual Facebook groups for ideas and moral support.

Just to say that my parents never bothered to teach me their native language even though they were trilingual. It's not used outside their country so not particularly useful, and they mistakenly thought it would hurt my English, even though all kids around me grew up bilingual, so it was even more embarrassing to be unilingual. It makes me feel sad that I am cut off from my extended family (I'm not great at languages) and I can't even express myself to my parents properly because their vocabulary is limited and English nuance is lost. Also sad as being bilingual has so many other benefits in other academic subjects and like making it easier to learn new languages.

So don't feel you've failed - your kids are still very young and a another language is a wonderful gift to give them.

Total immersion works. You could send them to school in your home country, for a term or two.

I've had many pupils come to school in England speaking no English at all , and become absolutely fluent at an astonishing speed

Have you given your kids story books, cartoon films etc from home?

Start including it. They are young enough to pick it up. Play some songs in your native language and teach them to sing along. Read some easy bedtime picture books in your native language. Teach them some basic phrases and use them every day (teach your DP too.) Stuff like: How are you? How was your day? What would you like to eat/drink? (Teach questions that don't just need yes/no answers, so their vocab expands.)
Then get them to say a few words to DGPs in that language when you skype or meet.
If there are options to regularly visit your home land or to learn the language at school, take them.

Children are sponges and yours are really young. They’d pick another language up quickly. Maybe start by teaching them a few phrases in your native language. Do your parents know any English at all?

I think most children understand more than they can say so I agree with starting speaking more in your native language..

I actually understand a language I grew up around even though it isn't related to my culture background simply because I was around adults and children who spoke it. I've since found lots of people in London who are the same.

Just by exposing your children to the language now means they will start picking it up. However, to get them to speak it you need to get other people preferably children their age to speak to them in it. For this reason loads of people I know send their children to language classes at the weekend for one of their parents' languages once they start school.

Your children have a good chance of learning to speak your language unless they are completely crap at languages .e.g. had difficultly speaking in general until they are in at least their mid-20s. However if you want them to speak without accents you need to start immersing them now.

Doing that is not possible when using just my native language and won't be at least for several years

I think your dcs are capable of much more than you think.
At that age (6yo) children learn a new language within a year. Yes I’m talking full immersion. But they dint have the huge advantage to have a mum who speaks said language and to have heard it since they were born.

FWIW my dcs are bilingual. When dc2 starts school his English was poor. Up to the point that his Y1 teacher noticed he wasn’t always understanding what she was saying... (and yes do born in the uk, DH English etc... it should never have been like this).
By the end of the year, there was no issue at all.

The bottom line though is that you have to keep at it. The more they hear your native language, the more they will speak it. You will have to find as many ways as possible to encourage them to learn and speak/interact.

My DP teaches his native language one on one to children in a similar situation (where one parent is English). They are still young enough at 6 for this to be instilled but it does need to be supported at home and be committed to (especially in those preteen and teenage years when everything else feels more important). I would suggest private lessons will help if you can commit.

My 3 dc are roughly the same age as yours and we have the same issue - so I've started slowly with them, naming objects, saying set phrases, playing educational videos teaching the language for them etc. Theyll never be bilingual anytime soon, but it's good to start somewhere.If I could dh and I would converse in his mother tongue but I'm seriously out of practise, but if you and your dh start now, it's not too late at all.

Btw I did OPOL too.
But that was because
1- for me it made it clear that it was the language I use with them so I wasn’t tempted to switch back to English.
2- like you, I had little opportunity for the dcs to go back to my country and speak that language
3- so this was the best way to ensure thy could hear as much French as possible.

I know other parents who did not do OPOL and it worked very well.

I'm your DC in this scenario, except I was in boarding school from age 8 until I finished my A'levels then off to uni. So just home for breaks, and even though both parents speak the same language I struggled to speak or understand.

I made a concerted effort in my teens to learn and it took me until my 20s to be somewhat fluent but I still occasionally mix up tenses or need with a few words.

I suggest songs and books in your language and trying to incorporate it more in your daily life if you can, maybe instructions in the other language.

I have DC and trying to teach them now. They understand but I'm scared when they start school what will happen. I just try speaking as much as I can to them in the other language.

Start now, it's not too late. Your DH will start understanding what you're saying more, but if not then it's up to him to get onboard! If he talks to them in English and you in your native tongue the kids will be bilingual in no time.
Get them non English picture books, films - many films you can switch the language anyway, same with Neflix.
We have Spanish, French and German kids in the house and we're all native English speakers, it's amazing how much kids pick up and it has helped with the lessons at school.
My work colleague learnt Portuguese as his wife and kids spoke it and he started feeling left out!

Would it work to say things in your native language then in English?

There is a lot of great advice here BUT it really depends on how much time and effort you can devote to it -- and not just you, but your children too. It will obviously be quite a transition for them to only speak to you in a language they don't understand, some kids would be fine with that but others would find it incredibly frustrating.

We did not do OPOL for some of the reasons you have noted, we didn't want one parent to be excluded from family conversations, or limit DS' ability to speak with us about anything whenever he wanted to. It also seemed a lot of work, every day, when we only see non-English speaking family occasionally.

We have done well with Duolingo and some outside classes, DS can understand family okay although he is not a confident speaker.

It's true they learn easily when they're young but there is still plenty of time for them to improve. My DH didn't start learning English until he was a teenager but still became fluent. So maybe just start doing what you can and see how it goes?

I was not brought up bilingual, despite both my parents being language teachers, and I have regretted it my whole life.

But at the ages your kids are they are like little sponges. After 11/12 it is much harder. I learned properly in my teens and studied it at degree Evel but it was always a learned language, even though I speak it very well.

It's worth the effort you put in now when they are still little. They will thank you for it their whole lives.

OP I wouldn't worry too much about bonding problems and mum-to-child conversations. Perhaps be flexible for those, at least to start with. You might find that your children will feel that talking your own language to you to makes you extra close.

This anecdote might perhaps be relevant:

When I was a student I used to babysit for a French-English bilingual child aged about 3. She spoke French to her mum, English to her dad and English at playschool. I tried once or twice to say a few words in French to her, but she always replied in English. It seemed to me that, for her, speaking French was something special, for communicating with her mother only. Entirely her choice, her mother said.

@Fink that's very thorough thank you for taking the time to write it all out - my only question is - what about when I really need to be able to comfort and talk to DC properly ? For example. DC who is 6 sometimes likes to tell me his worries/upsets or any problems or little dramas at school, especially one on one. It's always a real bonding moment when I can talk it through with him and alleviate his worries or make him feel better and have a cuddle. Doing that is not possible when using just my native language and won't be at least for several years. Do I make an exception for those times or miss out on them?

It's up to you, because language isn't an on-off switch. Personally I would probably speak English in those circumstances, and bring the other language in as you go. Like you can throw in the odd phrase such as 'Oh, that must be really hard' or the equivalent of 'there there' noises in your TL and say the rest in English to start with and then gradually switch over in the long term. What I wouldn't go for is the same phrase translated, becuase it leads to the kids not bothering to learn the TL phrase because they know it'll be repeated in English afterwards. When I said try to avoid English, that was more for low stress occasions like simple instructions. It will be a while before either of them are able to fully communicate in the TL so by all means stick to English for specific conversations and make the switch gradually.

You can maximise language exposure by modelling the correct phrase, which linguistically isn't the same as you translating your own speech. So if ds says 'Can I have some chocolate?' (in English) then, instead of just saying 'Yes.' in your TL, you can say 'Yes, you may have some chocolate.'

@Oaktree55 it depends on their age. Bilingual children (if it's OPOL, not one language in the home and one at school, which is a different category) often take longer initially to sort languages out in their heads, but when they get going then their vocabulary and grammar in both languages is normally much better than a monolingual person's. If the kids are young primary then it's perfectly normal and not a long term problem. If they're older then it's probably just that they struggle with English for other reasons, nothing to do with bilingualism.