My DCs can't speak my native language - I failed. Can I still change this?

[nopedout]

Posting for AIBU traffic.

Background - I've lived in the UK over half of my life now and married to my lovely English DH. 2 DCs 6 and 3. I have a big family back in my home country including DGPs. We predominately speak English at home as DH can't speak my language and it was easier for DCs. We've been through some horrible stuff over the past 5 years including nearly loosing our home so focusing on DCs languages was never really in the forefront of what we did which is awful I admit.
My parents also live in the UK fairly close to me but I am LC due to their alcohol issues so might see them once or twice a month - not enough for DCs to pick anything up.

I feel awful every time I FaceTime my DGPs and they can't communicate with their DGC. I feel like I've completely failed on that front and fear that there's no turning it around now due to their ages. DC1 knows hello, bye and lots of animal names as he loves animals and apart from that a couple of small words like cutlery names / drink / toilet. Can't form sentences or really understand properly what is being said. I've noticed when we visited my home country in the past DC1 seemed a lot more switched on being around the language and even picked up a phrase or two.

But we visit once a year (unable to this year) so this doesn't cut it. DCs are at school and nursery in the week using English all the time. When they get home we speak English as otherwise DH wouldn't know what's going on or what I'm asking them to do and it's dinner/bath/bed and rinse and repeat Mon-Fri.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or has any advice on what I could possibly do now?
Has anyone had their DC learn a language successfully outside of school?

Im not worried about reading/writing just speaking..
I'm open to any advice.

Talk to them in your native tongue unless your dp is integral to the conversation. It's not too late.

Talk to them in your native tongue unless your dp is integral to the conversation. It's not too late.

I understand my parents language but I cannot speak it. Most of my family spoke English except one of my aunts and two grandmothers. It meant that I couldn’t have a conversation with them even though I understood what they were saying. It doesn’t mean you love them any less however. My parents language doesn’t have a written language so it’s not something I can learn. I wish my parents forced me to speak. All of the children of parents from the same country can speak but not me . It’s quite frustrating to understand but difficult to speak. I can’t formulate a sentence if you know what I mean but I know words. My parents speak to me in their language but I reply in English...it was always the way. So I never gained any practice. My sibling would speak with my grandmother but not very wel and many would find it funny haha.

If it’s a language such as french/Spanish etc, it will be much easier to learn. You could get a tutor, dictionaries, work materials etc. My parents come from a small island where the official language is English. But everyone only speaks English unless they really have to or written down for formal documents. So I can’t pick up a dictionary to learn :(

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

My husband has another language and my children 5 and 2.5 speak it though not as fluently as English.

It's hard work and you've got to be prepared to do it and be consistent.

He speaks to them only in his language. If they speak to him in English he says in his language to repeat it in his language or no conversation / they don't get what they want. TV is mainly in their language - he has to download a lot of stuff. He only reads them books in their language. He also takes them to a language school at the weekend.
And they still are behind compared to their English.

The only way you can do it is be completely consistent ie speak to them in your language 100pc of the time or 100pc of the time at home. If you switch to English when you're tired/ they don't understand etc then it wont work.

They wont understand at first but they will very quickly pick it up. You can help them ie explain once what you're saying in English then repeat it in your language. Or if they speak to you in English explain how to say it in their language and only engage when they do this.

I have picked up enough that I can vaguely tell what he is saying to them (it's easier with the younger one as nobody has complex conversations with a 2.5 year old ) but it is a bit of a pain to me to ask him to explain what hes agreed with them eg they will ask him for something in his language and if they dont like the answer they will ask me and sometimes I end up contradicting him.

Sometimes if we are all speaking together in the same conversation around the dinner table we switch to English otherwise we wouldnt have a whole family conversation but that's a relatively small part of the day

My husband does this - he totally refuses to speak English to them. My children have done better in their bilingualism than our friends children. 6 is just starting to become too old. Just get on with it and your husband will just have to get on and learn some. It’s selfish of him otherwise to limit their language potential.

Off topic bit I once taught a girl of Far Eastern origin but born in the UK, she once told me that neither of her parents spoke English and they spoke two different versions of their language, Mandarin and Cantonese I think. Often wondered what it was like in their house.

@filka
Presumably you have a Cyrillic alphabet, too, which makes things a little trickier?
My Brother has a Russian friend, and he went to stay there...I advised he learned the ''ABV'' {ABC} before he went, as it would make him feel less alienated if he should get lost...and at least he could read the street names.
I don't think he bothered, as his friend spoke English 😂..typical lazy English attitude...but away from the main cities, fewer people do.

They are still young enough to learn it from you.

Until you mentioned your parents alcohol issues I was going to suggest that you send them to the relevant country for a month to say with grandparents, which is what I did, at around the same age. They came back fluent!

Attendance at Saturday school, etc doesn't really do it.

They are now adults and can converse easily with the overseas relatives.

Thanks again @Fink

And to PPs I'm not worried at all about them potentially falling behind or struggling with English. I know it has nothing to do with potentially speaking another language. I came to the UK with 0 English language and a couple of years in before I was anywhere near fluent in speaking I was doing better at written language and spelling than a large majority of my UK born classmates. But the same goes for my native language, I have always been and still am good at spelling and writing and I guess that skill translated.

But I'm aware it took me 5-6 years to be completely fluent in English and that's with living here full time and attending school. I have no traces of any foreign accent however and pass as a native English speaker everywhere I go now.
But since I speak English 95% of the time now I find I don't always come across quite as well in my native language due to its different, harsher way of speaking and expressing things despite still being 100% fluent I have English mannerisms and softer way of speaking which must seem a bit odd.

Just start. You've not left it too late.

I had always wanted to learn Spanish so once my kids started school I studied each day, listened to loads, did the apps, went to conversation clubs and meet-ups and in 6 months could hold a basic conversation and listen to a lot more. By 9 months I could chat and have a laugh in the pub. By 12, more than confident speaking to strangers whilst in Spain, ordering all the food and seeking directions, sorting out issues with tickets.

Listening to you will teach them so much. Use Duolingo, if it's available in that language, to teach some vocabulary and sentence construction. Flashcards. TV shows and music.

It absolutely can be done.

At 3 and 6 your children will learn a second language very quickly if immersed in it daily.

@nopedout

Thanks again *@Fink*

And to PPs I'm not worried at all about them potentially falling behind or struggling with English. I know it has nothing to do with potentially speaking another language. I came to the UK with 0 English language and a couple of years in before I was anywhere near fluent in speaking I was doing better at written language and spelling than a large majority of my UK born classmates. But the same goes for my native language, I have always been and still am good at spelling and writing and I guess that skill translated.

But I'm aware it took me 5-6 years to be completely fluent in English and that's with living here full time and attending school. I have no traces of any foreign accent however and pass as a native English speaker everywhere I go now.
But since I speak English 95% of the time now I find I don't always come across quite as well in my native language due to its different, harsher way of speaking and expressing things despite still being 100% fluent I have English mannerisms and softer way of speaking which must seem a bit odd.

I'd never guess from seeing your writing that you were anything other than a native English speaker. Your grammar is excellent too... and that is a beast for many people from overseas to master. It is tricky even for some native speakers to get right.. ''Them things'' ''Could of'' ..and of course the apostrophes. ''Ask for photo's''

@nopedout I think that’s normal.

FWIW my dcs are teens now. I sometimes struggling to speak to them in French because words just dint come. Some subjects in particular, I’m finding extremely hard.
So I switch back to English when I need it.

I’ve also always let them say what they needed in English when they were struggling (still do now). I just repeated what they said in French back them (when they were little) and answered in French.

Re excluding your partner...
I’m going to be harsh. Either he is excluded or he is going)bn to have to learn some of your language. Most of the time I spend with my dcs is as a family, esp after they started school/nursery. Speaking English when their Ada was around would have meant that I was speaking English 90% of the time them....
It’s a choice (and fwiw DH did learn enough French just by listening to be able to understand most of our conversations)

Not quite the same but we moved to France just after dd's 9th birthday. Also she jumped a year of school. 18 months later she went up to college, 3 months after we moved she was talking in her sleep in French.

Apparently it doesn't confuse the dc if 1 parent speaks English to them and the other parent speaks another language.

I had a friend born in the UK, Italian father, Danish mother. She grew up tringlingual.

Build it into conversation by saying what the words are in English, then repeat in your language. Obviously it won’t always be possible to do this but you should be able to build it up. Your children will learn quicker than your husband and he will pick it up too (if he’s willing to put the effort in). It always amazes me to see multi lingual kids. They adapt so easily.

My DB is married to a lovely lady from a different country. When their DC was born, he spoke to her entirely in English and DSiL spoke only in her native language. She soon learned the difference, although there were some times when she switched between the two at random for a while (DB does speak DSiL's language, however). She is now fully bilingual and happy to speak either language.

You never know ... your DH might pick up the odd word or two as well ....

My kids are the same age as yours. I speak to them in the minority language (which is English in our household!) and have done since birth, at home and out and about and I don't give a fuck who thinks it's rude. What really made their English come on leaps and bounds though was spending 3 weeks with family back in the UK.

My eldest where 5 and 3 when we moved to France. They couldn’t speak a word of French but started at a local French school a month after we arrived.

They were in classes (crèche equivalent for my youngest) and just picked it up by listening. After 3 months they could get by in French, after 6 they were fluent. Now, 11 and 9, they only really speak English to me and my husband, the 3 kids all speak French when they are playing together, even at home.

It’s definitely not too late for you to get your little ones learning. As they won’t be immersed like mine were (mine hear more French than English because of school) it will probably take a little longer, but you could help them a long with cartoons in your native language etc.

If you speak to them at home, they will learn, don't do one day a week like someone suggested. It needs to be an everyday thing but at their ages they will learn.

Speak to them in both languages at first, every thing you say in both then as they get better, speak to them in just your language explaining as needed. My ex only spoke in his language to my daughter inside the house and she is bilingual.

Just starting soeaking to them. Do not ivercomplicated and assume it will fail The longer you leave the harder it’ll become.
I’ve out a lot if time and effort for DD to speak my mother tongue (it actually felt natural to speak it once she was born, I was quite surprised by it). Even though I’m her primary carer and speak the other language 95% of the time when we’re alone, it’s still her second language.
I’d find a Saturday school for your DC to attend, it’ll easier for them to pick it up around their peers.

My dh is Spanish and I am English
Dh was determined that the children would speak the language and started speaking to the dcs in Spanish from the time they were born. I spoke to them in English ( speak some Spanish). They are all bilingual

Just speak to them in your native language- gradually . It’s never too late

6 and 3 is well within the sweet spot to learn quickly. My children started school With many children aged 3 or 4 speaking no welsh and all are fluent now, some didn’t start the school until 7/8 and are educated In welsh fluently now.

One of DS's friends arrived not knowing a word of English at boarding school, at eight, and was pretty fluent a year later. He's now trilingual, at least.

@XingMing

One of DS's friends arrived not knowing a word of English at boarding school, at eight, and was pretty fluent a year later. He's now trilingual, at least.

My best friend at primary (and middle and High) school was kicked out of Uganda in 1972 and turned up at school with very poor English. He left school with As in English Lit, Lang, French and German, and 6th form with 4 grade A A levels and unconditional offers from Oxford and Cambridge (which he declined).

@XingMing

One of DS's friends arrived not knowing a word of English at boarding school, at eight, and was pretty fluent a year later. He's now trilingual, at least.

I was eight when we moved to the UK, my written English isn’t great, but verbally I was fluent very quickly once I started primary school.

All my bilingual and trilingual couples did that when all together, they spoke common language. When parent was alone with child they spoke their language. Like this no one was left out but all languages were still present.

They don't have to be fluent now, just get the language. Kids are like sponges, they will surprise you