My DCs can't speak my native language - I failed. Can I still change this?

[nopedout]

Posting for AIBU traffic.

Background - I've lived in the UK over half of my life now and married to my lovely English DH. 2 DCs 6 and 3. I have a big family back in my home country including DGPs. We predominately speak English at home as DH can't speak my language and it was easier for DCs. We've been through some horrible stuff over the past 5 years including nearly loosing our home so focusing on DCs languages was never really in the forefront of what we did which is awful I admit.
My parents also live in the UK fairly close to me but I am LC due to their alcohol issues so might see them once or twice a month - not enough for DCs to pick anything up.

I feel awful every time I FaceTime my DGPs and they can't communicate with their DGC. I feel like I've completely failed on that front and fear that there's no turning it around now due to their ages. DC1 knows hello, bye and lots of animal names as he loves animals and apart from that a couple of small words like cutlery names / drink / toilet. Can't form sentences or really understand properly what is being said. I've noticed when we visited my home country in the past DC1 seemed a lot more switched on being around the language and even picked up a phrase or two.

But we visit once a year (unable to this year) so this doesn't cut it. DCs are at school and nursery in the week using English all the time. When they get home we speak English as otherwise DH wouldn't know what's going on or what I'm asking them to do and it's dinner/bath/bed and rinse and repeat Mon-Fri.

Has anyone dealt with something similar or has any advice on what I could possibly do now?
Has anyone had their DC learn a language successfully outside of school?

Im not worried about reading/writing just speaking..
I'm open to any advice.

Are there any kids language dvds or magazines you could get to start them off?

My BILs children are bilingual (his wife doesn’t speak the second language) and it works ok for them. He speaks to them in both languages and has children’s books and games.

Small children do pick up languages - DH switched languages completely when he wasn’t much older (complete immersion) and ended up studying English lit at uni.

zwellers Do you have any interest or experience in bilingualism? Or did you just come here to bash foreign born parents? Bloody foreigners wanting their children to be part pf their culture.
Are you also incredulous about parents whose children are in gymnastic/ swimming squads or playing instruments several hours a week? Or is it just foreign languages that are not worth it.

I second a lot of what has already been posted. My suggestions in one place:

Start speaking to them ONLY in your language at home. This will be difficult as you're not starting from birth, but doable. Only revert to English if children are genuinely upset or have a problem, but even then use soothing words in your own language as much as possible. Children will respond in English not just now but for a loooong time, as they know you understand English and this is their default! Sell your language to them as a superpower... not everyone can speak 2 languages, it will be their special thing.

Have TV only in your language.

Bedtime stories, nurseey rhymes etc in your language.

Check out online classes or a local tutor if possible. Or a local teenager who can speak your language and could babysit regularly and communicate and play only in your language.

Find local community groups or mum groups for your language. I live in Thailand and there are mums who set up regular playgroups or meet-ups for children to get more exposure to mother tongues e.g. French/German/Mandarin etc. You may find the same where you are, especially if you're in a city.

Your younger one is definitely not too old to reach a native level if you really apply yourself. Your older one will take longer but it's not impossible. Don't worry about mixing up languages, that is fine!!

I have a friend whose mother 'failed' to teach her older children her mother tongue (Italian) and she was determined my friend, the youngest child, would speak well. It took real persistence as dad and brothers spoke English and they lived in other random countries growing up until she was about 11. Her only exposure to Italian was through her mum and summers in Italy. She understood reasonably well and could speak a fair bit as a younger child and improved massively in her teens when she was living with her mum full time (boarding school previously). She speaks well enough as an adult to have used Italian in a professional setting, although she says her accent is not 100%.

Good luck!

OP - with your 6 year old I think you need to “sell” it to him as basically you’re asking him to take up a language that he’s not been hearing much from birth. Point out the benefits of knowing another language - I don’t mean a face to face serious conversation, just as an aside here and there: “wouldn’t it be fun to speak to grandparents in that language” or tell him about cartoons/ films/ programmes he could watch or great books you read when you were 6, that sort of thing.
The 3 yo - I’d just start without explaining anything - when you pass him a toy say it in your language, during meals, etc. It’ll be the same to him as learning English as he goes along.

Can you also get some basic kids books op in the other language? Though they're baby books, mine have basic "sit/stand, up/down, left/right" picture and word books that have been a good start for them.

Or school books and handwriting practice (especially if the alphabet isn’t roman).

Songs, games, rhymes, do some ‘homework cooking with them and talk about the ingredients and measuring etc. Keep taking to them - about all sorts of things - point our colours and animals etc. If it’s fun they will enjoy it (you will too).

See if there are any local groups or classes for native speakers. If there isn’t one - maybe you need to try to set one up (online of course). Maybe the embassy has information?

yep, look on amazon (or ask at your local book store) for child friendly work sheets for second language.

we are a mixed family, speak one language at home, school language is english and the country where we live has another language.

kids parties are a cacaohony of languages.

bilingualism is great, but be under no illusion that it is not hard work, especially if one of the languages is a minority language.
for us it was/is important that dc are not analphabets in their second and third language. we want to give them options for the future.

@nopedout

What language is it?

Are there a lot of resources available that could help your kids?

I mean people on MN are always aghast if you don't raise your child to be bilingual but the reality is that it IS a lot of work that not every family can do, and not every child responds to it very well.

And it's not always worth it. My DH was raised in a bilingual house, he is the only one of four siblings to keep both languages. The others simply have no need for it.

You can still maintain a good relationship with grandparents if there is some basic knowledge of the language.

My advice is always to do as much as you can while not beating yourself up if you can't do OPOL or get to fluency. There are a lot of great suggestions here so just do what you can!

We didn’t raise DS bilingual and he just got 2 9s in GCSE for foreign languages (neither even remotely like his dads original language).

It’s not the end of the world if they aren’t brought up bilingual (nice but not the end of the world).

Apologies for being harsh but I really can't see how hard it is to simply speak to your child in your mother tongue
Maybe ( like my SEN child) they won't be written fluent ever or perfect) but just keep talking

All schools offer ( or you can ask) native languages so what ever language a child speaks at home can usually be done to A level and gcse we once could not get a native Russian to do the speaking assessment so got permission from exam board to use her mother ( it's all filmed and scripted so child can't cheat ).

@nopedout

Wow so much advice thank you!

@Fink that's very thorough thank you for taking the time to write it all out - my only question is - what about when I really need to be able to comfort and talk to DC properly ? For example. DC who is 6 sometimes likes to tell me his worries/upsets or any problems or little dramas at school, especially one on one. It's always a real bonding moment when I can talk it through with him and alleviate his worries or make him feel better and have a cuddle. Doing that is not possible when using just my native language and won't be at least for several years. Do I make an exception for those times or miss out on them?

My ex had a German DM who spoke to her DC exclusively in German (her DH did not speak German) - one thing my ex said was that, as an adult, his German was not as fluent as his English, but as it felt wrong to speak to his DM in English, and he did feel that it impacted on his ability to discuss certain things with her. I think it is amazing to be bilingual, but perhaps keep the option open to speak English - like rorosemary did.

@nitsandwormsdodger have you raised bilingual children yourself?

Apologies for being harsh but I really can't see how hard it is to simply speak to your child in your mother tongue

Well until they understand you, it's not just talking is it, it's constantly repeating and explaining things. It's translating constantly so that your partner understands what you're talking about. It's dealing with children's frustrations when they can't just talk to you normally because they don't speak the language yet.

Many families have two parents working long hours, they have a limited amount of time with their young children every day and may not have the time or mental energy to do all this. It's not right to judge them. People should just do what they can.

questionmark

Yes I speek my mother tongue to my SEN child and baby it's niche so no local clubs for me , he has no grammar or written ability just basic conversation and is v shy about speaking it when asked to perform it as a party price , but he can communicate with family back home whose English is pigeon
It's not hard to just talk in mother tongue if you expect translating quality yes it's hard work , the parents up tread who are teaching an hour a day if grammar OMG! That's us hard work
I apologise again for being hard and judgey but I stand firm in my shock that parents haven't done a bit of research pre pregnancy and then just talked to their kids , just talk , not intensive home learning

Is your language going to be useful to them as in for work?

My friend speaks only polish to her DS when they are alone. Her DH only speaks English to their DS, he doesn't speak or understand polish. But the DS mainly replies in English, but understands Polish.

Also .... bilingual ism isn't all about impressive CV's and career progress ( but it is often a talking point or foot in the door) it's about self esteem , all adults I know think being able to speak another language is cool , brings you closer to a culture which may be distant and fading away. 50% of my kids genes come from far away and I'd like them to be proud if that half of themselves
I just find it weird that the parents that made no effort to research how to raise bilingual kids probably spend heaps of time on line looking up how to get their kid to sleep through he night or eat more or whatever but never thought about goggling this?
Am still really shocked ( trying hard to be understanding, not judgey) about partners who marry a foreigner but don't think learning their wife's and wife's family language as part if the package?? I just assumed they would to be respectful and vice verser, I don't discuss international politics with my in laws just say it's sunny here today and how are your knees.. in their native language,