To ask what mainstream parents really think about the kids with special needs.

[Willbob]

I have a child with SEN. He has complex needs; statement at three transferred to ehcp. We had to fight for a mainstream setting. He has full time 1:1. My older childer is very bright and now goes to a selective grammar school for secondary education. I had the "normal" school parent experience with him.

Other parents at school are mainly pleasant, some more so than others like any parent really but completely different to my my experience with my older child. I do wonder though for those who don't understand or know the sen world what you really think about the kids in your child school like my son? I imagine some like it and see the value of having them there, where as some see them as a drain on funding or a distraction. Just curious really. Though this maybe a good place to ask as anonymous.

My sn dc is better behaved than vast majority of nt children...but I don't mind them being in the same class as her

My sn dc is better behaved than vast majority of nt children...but I don't mind them being in the same class as her

My SN children have never hit another child at school or being involved in any bullying or nastiness but they've been on the receiving end of plenty of it from NT children.

I just wanted to contribute a little about special schools and SEN. SEN is very broad and special schools tend to be quite specific about what they can support - they will say no to unsuitable children. So its not a case of 'mainstream' and then everyone else goes to 'special'. The specialist has to match the childrens needs. Its no point shoving a visually impaired child into a school for Behavioural, Emotional and Social Difficulties or a deaf child in an autism unit because they also have communication issue.

I know there were said to be 8k children awaiting a suitable specialist placement in England.

Having worked in a mainstream school that had SEN pupils, the most depressing aspect was seeing how these kids were totally ignored by others. The parents will have pushed to have their children in a mainstream school as they like the idea of inclusivity. The sad thing was they were pretty much excluded.

I always remember one boy who would stand patiently outside the staff room during breaks and lunch waiting for his TA. He would spend the whole day with her and never interacted with anyone else.

The sen child in ds1 class is absolutely adorable. He has a teacher assistant continuously following him. I know he needs extra help with his work, which is specifically for him. He loves to share and can play nicely.

[quote Kitmerow]@Gancanny in my experience a lot of parents don’t even try and hate the thought of anything other than mainstream, if it’s in their child’s best interest or not. Denial perhaps.[/quote]
I don't see much denial amongst my friends/relatives who have children with SEND. Just a complete lack of suitable options and funding.

DS has ASD and is sweet and quiet (some times overly so) and would be crushed by any kind of aggression. He is however away with the fairies most of the time so I'm not sure that he gets much out of the social side. I'm v wary of him becoming the class pet as although the children are nice he's not really friends with them.

Our headteacher has made remarks about us "choosing" mainstream (when we press her to deliver the provision in DS's plan). There are a few special schools and units nearby but the LA Ed Psych admitted that he's too able to meet the criteria. There is no LA provision for him if mainstream doesn't work and we've been advised that we'll need to prepare ourselves for an expensive fight for an independent special school place. We've improved his current plan through appeal and have our fingers crossed it works for him. The lack of specialist SEN provision for children without learning difficulties is a scandal.

The only concerns I've had are around behaviours and the safety of my children. An autistic child took a liking to my child and chased him around the playground for 3 days straight then scratched him down his forehead with his nails. He still bears the scars now. When we called school about it, (they didnt call me, I discovered it when he came home), they explained he was autistic and they would speak to him. Then on the Friday that autistic child got the gold star of the week award.

The only concerns I've had are around behaviours and the safety of my children. An autistic child took a liking to my child and chased him around the playground for 3 days straight then scratched him down his forehead with his nails. He still bears the scars now. When we called school about it, (they didnt call me, I discovered it when he came home), they explained he was autistic and they would speak to him. Then on the Friday that autistic child got the gold star of the week award

Because of course, no nt child ever physically hurts anyone?

Former babe....no nt child has attacked my child like that, no, and certainly not that type of attack that drew blood and left a scar that is still there years later. Its just my experience as the op asked for thoughts etc.

I'm not denying your experience but there will be lots of children with sn at your dcs school who will have never attacked your dc, whose presence will not have even crossed your mind...my dd is not violent or aggressive. She is the most gentle natured, sweet girl you could meet...she's vulnerable not dangerous.

I dont have kids (yet, on the way) but its just appalling that some parents actually resent a child with SEN getting their 1:1 support. You think you've heard it all and then you read threads like this.

Former babe....of course there will be. I just think it's not always the best fit for the child or for the nt children in the class. In our particular case there clearly wasnt the supervision he needed, which then put other children at risk. It's not a nice thought worrying if your child will be injured during the school day.

My son is an adult now. He’s severely autistic, diagnosed at 3. To be honest I never felt comfortable when he went to mainstream. I never felt like I had anything in common with the other parents. Bearing in mind this was over 20 years ago so there were Only 2 children With Sen at his school. The parents and children were lovely but he never got invited to anything.

He’s been in a special school and now college since he was 7. It’s nice to be around other parents in the same situation.

Ds2 had 2 kids with sen in his class. The school couldn't cope. The kids were regularly violent and disruptive. They were clearly not managing to cope in that environment, they were not happy, the other kids were not happy, everyone's education suffered.
I think the school should have done better and I think all the kids would have had a better experience if the sen kids had been supported properly, either within the school or elsewhere. But my feelings were directed at the school, not at the kids and their families who were no doubt a whole lot more frustrated than I was.

Ds3 aged 9 is good friends with a lad in his class who has complex emotional needs. I am so impressed by how well the school have helped the other kids understand what this boy needs, they are all so good with him and his different (often difficult) behaviours, they include him in everything. I am proud of them all. The parents are mostly also supportive, it helps that his mum is regularly in the playground and doesn't let him get away with bad behaviour. She is quite open about how tough his life is and we are (mostly) all firmly on their side as a family and hope they are well enough supported to stay in school where the wee lad is happy and settled.

Any feelings should be directed at the school or local authority who are failing to provide adequate support, not at a family trying to do their best for their kids.

*@Gancanny in my experience a lot of parents don’t even try and hate the thought of anything other than mainstream, if it’s in their child’s best interest or not. Denial perhaps.

It is virtually impossible to get your child into a special needs school these days. There are no where near enough places for the amount of children that need them. When my son started senior school in 2010 there were 98 children in the school. By the time he left in 2018 there were hundreds. I know many families who have had to take their children out of school as there aren’t any schools that can meet need. Young children out of school for years and years.

The only concerns I've had are around behaviours and the safety of my children.

Funnily enough they're the same fear parents of children with SN have.

A NT child took my child's belongings and hid them every day for weeks, seemingly for fun and to get him into trouble for not having the right kit. imagine doing PE and then coming back to the changing room to find your clothes gone. Then imagine that despite being 11yo, you have the executive functions of the average 7-8yo and you don't understand where they've gone or why. Wouldn't that be distressing? And you lack the capacity to tell an adult what has happened even though you are verbal because your brain doesn't compute the idea of asking for help when you're in difficulty.

A NT child handed out party invites to every child in the class except my DS and when DS asked if he was invited the child told him "no r***s are allowed at my party".

A NT kicked my child in the stomach hard enough that my child had to go to A&E to be checked over and had a boot-shaped bruise in his abdomen. School punished both children, the NT child for kicking him and my child for touching the child's backpack (it had one of those flip-over sequin patterns on it) because apparently this touching prompted the kick and DS "has to learn not to touch".

A NT child tore the poppy off DS coat and ripped it up in front of him specifically to make him cry.

Several NT children refer to DS as "Sp**ka Stu" and deliberately bait him. School clamp down on it and it stops for a few weeks then it creeps back in.

See how I can generalise about NT children based on some NT children hurting my SN child?

He has support in class but not at break or lunch, we're working to have his EHC amended to give him support at these times.

@NoSleepInTheHeat

I imagine some like it and see the value of having them there This is the politically correct answer. Realistically when your DC is in a class with 29 other children, any child that takes more than his share of the teacher's attention is taking away from yours IYSWIM.

Before I get flamed, my DS is being assessed for autism, he has lots of attention from the teacher, special activities, etc. All good. But his twin sister is in the same class as well and she doesn't get all of this - similar to what is happening at home you could say - is it fair on her and the others in the class? Not really.

Do you not think she doesn't need that support then? That's a positive right? Who chooses that support?

I think including most SEN kids in the mainstream without the relevant resources and support required is unfair to kids who struggle but are not recognised as SEN and even those who are SEN. Unfortunately, that is the case in most mainstream settings.

@formerbabe

The only concerns I've had are around behaviours and the safety of my children. An autistic child took a liking to my child and chased him around the playground for 3 days straight then scratched him down his forehead with his nails. He still bears the scars now. When we called school about it, (they didnt call me, I discovered it when he came home), they explained he was autistic and they would speak to him. Then on the Friday that autistic child got the gold star of the week award

Because of course, no nt child ever physically hurts anyone?

Some kid at my DS's school hit him so hard because apparently, it was a game to pick on him, that he knocked my son's tooth out

Gancanny...and yet you wanted your child in that school? Some of those lower level incidents (kids being mean and hiding stuff) is unfortunately the norm in a lot of mainstream schools, nt kids do it to other nt kids for a laugh if they can get away with it. Re the kit going missing, did your childs support worker not see this happening and be able to help? The name calling is clearly not nice or appropriate and I hope the teacher was able to have a word with the class regarding that.

@Gancanny

Gancanny...and yet you wanted your child in that school?

Some of the incidents (the kicking) were at his old school, we moved him. And yet there is no option but to have him in his current school as it is the only other one close enough (semi-rural area) and he was refused a place at special school because the LA said it was not a justifiable use of resources.

Re the kit going missing, did your childs support worker not see this happening and be able to help?

He doesn't have the support worker in PE.

The name calling is clearly not nice or appropriate and I hope the teacher was able to have a word with the class regarding that

They have words, it stops, a few weeks later it creeps back in.

I've done the non SEN/EHCP and the with SEN/EHCP experience twice now and it is very different. With my older ones they went to school, school did their bit, I did my bit at home and school was a very small part of life. I was naive, knew nothing about SEN or statements or the support that might be needed or provided.
Along came ds, I did my bit I secured the full time 1 to 1 support that ds needed and sent him to school in good faith that the school would meet his needs with the support I had secured before he was three years old. It very quickly became apparent that the school were not using the support for ds as they were legally obliged to and ds was hurting children (which was well documented that he didn't cope with children in his space and he would hit)
I learnt quickly then that school was going to be huge in our lives as it became a battle to ensure that the support ds was legally entitled to was provided by the school. Complaints to the LA and a change of placement followed and with ds properly supported he didn't hurt anyone and instead I heard gripes in the playground that it wasn't fair that ds had a TA, it wasn't fair that ds did certain activities, it wasn't fair that ds used the computer etc.
Ds's disability was obvious, he couldn't speak until he was seven so I could never work out why parents didn't connect that with the TA support but instead of seeing it as support to enable ds and coincidentally keep their children safe they saw it as something that their children should have as well and they weren't happy about it.
It was a relief when he moved to independent specialist school tbh and school became only a small part of our lives again.
Dd had no challenging behaviours in fact completely the opposite added to which she is very clever. Again I secured support before she was three and again parents whinged believing that the TA support was the reason dd was academically able and school knowing she was academically able believed they could take liberties with the support ignoring a specified and quantified EHCP. She too is in independent specialist and once again school is only a small part of our lives once more.

Honestly? I think "there but for the grace of God go I"

I don't pretend to understand, but try to.
I empathise
I wish they had all the resources they needed.

I don't grudge them anything

Yeah we had comments about DS "taking all the TA's time" - that would be the TA that was funded solely by his EHCP to provide full time 1-1 support to DS throughout the school day. The TA that was literally paid to spend every minute of every day supporting DS. The TA who wouldn't have been there at all if it weren't for DS.

I mean you have to be a special sort of cunt to resent a disabled child having 1-1 support to access an education, don't you?

You think you've seen it all but nope, some people can always surprise you.