To ask what mainstream parents really think about the kids with special needs.

[Willbob]

I have a child with SEN. He has complex needs; statement at three transferred to ehcp. We had to fight for a mainstream setting. He has full time 1:1. My older childer is very bright and now goes to a selective grammar school for secondary education. I had the "normal" school parent experience with him.

Other parents at school are mainly pleasant, some more so than others like any parent really but completely different to my my experience with my older child. I do wonder though for those who don't understand or know the sen world what you really think about the kids in your child school like my son? I imagine some like it and see the value of having them there, where as some see them as a drain on funding or a distraction. Just curious really. Though this maybe a good place to ask as anonymous.

@BoobsOnTheMoon Absolutely. Utter cunt behaviour. I'm shocked that some parents can actually have that attitude - they really need words with themselves.

Oh god, OP brace yourself it may well end up like a bad unpopular opinion thread but with license for extra wankery from people who really need no encouragement .

Weve gotten to ten pages with minimal arseholery so hopefully not.

They don't ask your child to play.
They don't ask you to the park with your other DC if you might have the one with SEN with you.
They tell their DS in front of your DS that they will call you about a playdate and then never call.
They tell the dancing teacher they don't want your DC in their DC's class.
They tell the HT they will call the police if your 7 year old pushes their 7 year old.
They try and persuade all the other parents to do the same, on the class WhatsApp.
Of course they don't invite you to the class WhatsApp.
They don't invite your DS to their DS birthday party despite having said they will.
I have a really really good idea what they think of my DS. Nobody hides it.

I mean you have to be a special sort of cunt to resent a disabled child having 1-1 support to access an education, don't you?

This in spades, my DD1 is adopted and blind (plus, has various other issues related to her birth into her catastrophic family of origin) but, thankfully for her, is academically able so passed the 11+ to access a grammar school place. Well, you’d think she’d had the moon handed to her on a stick because I asked her school bus company to reserve a disabled seat on the school bus (she has mobility issues related to her blindness and falls regularly). The bus company have been brilliant but other students and parents less so.

I have never been aware routinely of any SEN DC classmates have had. Sometimes it has come up in conversation with a parent at pick up (a reference to an appointment or similar). But unless my DC have been friends with them, I'm not sure how much I k ow about any other children at school.

I have a friend who has had to fight for her children to get support they need so I understand it can be overwhelming when you are the parent. And I k ow some parents are far nosier/more involved in their child's school experience. But not everyone or even most people I would say.

As a concept,, of course all children should be able to access an education they can fully participate in. And the state must have a role in providing at least a legal minimum standard of education for all children. I think the distress and challenge comes when a parent knows (or believes) a particular thing is necessary for the child's needs to be met and the state thinks it is a "nice to have".

And there are huge misunderstandings about specialist schools.
Overall children with SEN do better in mainstream.
SEN schools are not one size fits all. There are lots of DCs like my DS and no specialist school anywhere near us that is in any way suitable.
They are also not a magic portal to a different world. They are good for DCs with SEN because they have good staff and equipment. If mainstream schools used the same strategies and had funding for equipment they could be just as good for DCs with SEN.

My DS will never learn to socialise with NT children if he goes to a specialist school.
I assume all parents of NT DCs would also like their DCs to learn to get along with a wide range of other DCs.

@BoobsOnTheMoon

Judging from the screenshots I've seen of parents bitching about my autistic child in a secret class FB group I wasn't part of - not much.

I think most parents of NT/able bodied children like the idea of inclusive education in theory, but the minute their child is placed at even the slightest perceived disadvantage/inconvenience by the presence of disabled children, they are up in arms and think mainstream just isn't right for disabled children after all and why can't they just go to a special school yada yada. Or they complain because their precious poppets don't get as much 1-1 attention as the autistic child who gets a 1-1 TA.

I'm kind of bitter about it tbh. Probably not the best person to answer you!

I was that disabled child and picked up on this in the class I was in. It felt horrible, and I know it was hard on my parents.

Judging from the screenshots I've seen of parents bitching about my autistic child in a secret class FB group I wasn't part of - not much.

My stomach dropped reading this. How awful. I'm really sorry.

I have always sympathised with them and their DC. If a student is disruptive or struggling I’ve always assumed a significant proportion of that is the school not giving enough/the correct support. Not always the school’s fault, obviously, but at one of my DS’s previous schools it definitely was the school as they didn’t get anything else right either.

I was the student with special needs at a main stream school, and I had an awful time, with both the teachers and the students. Some of the things some teachers said to me would have any teacher rightly sacked nowadays. I really hope things are better for the kids now but I’m not quite naive enough to think that in many cases it is.

@BoobsOnTheMoon we didn't see the screenshots but the HT put out a message on ParentApp to tell them not to do it.

This has been an interesting read. From the outside looking in I think the sen kid in our class is really well supported and included. The other kids all seem to play with him, he's invited to parties, ds quite often has him round to play or we meet up in the park.

But I wonder if his mum's perspective is different. Maybe there's only me and a handful of others who include him, I don't know now.

@Gancanny from me as well. It sounds so tough. As I said in a previous post, I was a bullied and disabled child. Your posts help me appreciate even more how difficult it probably was for my parents. Wish you and your family the best.

@drspouse the HT at that school ignored my email about it, as did the governors. DS class teacher rang to tell me I didn't need to worry because the parents involved hadn't actually named DS in their posts As far as I know the parents involved were never spoken to about it.

I feel very sad at some of the opinions on this thread. So what should we do with our children with SEN and/or disabilities? Should we just segregate them so the education of 'mainstream' children won't be disrupted? And what about when they reach adulthood, should we continue to segregate them from wider society? Horrible!

@unmarkedbythat

I think his needs should be met and if his parents and the practitioners who know him well agree his needs can be met in mainstream, that is where he should be. Whether he adds 'value' or is a drain on funds or whatever is irrelevant.

My eldest is outside mainstream, he was certainly a major disruption whilst inside it and I am sure other parents are glad he isn't around any more. But, and this often offends people, I don't care what those other families think. I wasn't there to champion their children and advocate for their children's rights, my priority was my son. I don't see why I have to consider the impact of his inclusion on their school experience- I am not responsible for their school experience and my son's needs should not have to play second fiddle to theirs. They are not asked to consider and care about the education of my son, why am I expected to care about that of their dc?

This is pretty much word for word how I feel as the parent or a child with quite serious ' behaviour" issues. I used to worry what other parents thought. 11 years later, I don't give a stuff what they think of how DS affects their children. I have enough in my plate dealing with how DS affects himself.

@Handsoffisback it's two different schools and it was parents in different years at the second school so no, it's not one ringleader. It's just what happens. Almost all the SEN parents I know say this.

Parents at ds's primary got together a petition to have him removed from the school.
I once had to call the police because the HT rung to tell me they had had to prevent a parent entering the school to " sort my ds" (he was year 1) and once he became aware they had called the police he told them he was coming to firebomb his home instead.
It's horrendous if you are the parent of a child with SEN whose behaviour can be challenging not least because you are held responsible even when the child is in school and you cannot be there physically to intervene.

I’m a teacher and a mum and think that as long as a child with ASN can have their needs met within mainstream then it is beneficial for everyone - to the pupils themselves and to their peers. I have nothing but empathy for parents of children with ASN.

It’s not uncommon for up to a third of my pupils in each class to have ASN. Many are well supported and we are able to meet their needs in a mainstream setting. However there is a small minority of pupils where mainstream just isn’t the right place for them and nobody benefits in that case. This is usually in relation to severe behavioural issues. Cuts to support assistants and a lack of places in specialist provision don’t help.

@hiredandsqueak that's heartbreaking - so sorry that happened to your poor DS.

@drspouse ironically ds in secondary (he attended an add unit attached to an outstanding school) received th HT award at rizegiving for having behaviour and an attitude to learning second to none.
The parent who we had to call the police about later had his child removed for punching him unconscious in the street.

*ASD
*prizegiving

That poor child! That made my blood run cold.

LittleDollyDaydreams disruptive adults are segregated out, certainly out of the workplace.

My current employer is very good at actually walking the walk about equal opportunities. There is a real mix of ages and ethnicities and physical abilities. They have adapted the interview process and even job roles to accommodate two men who would be described as on the spectrum.

However a disruptive or violent adult would not be accommodated. Nor should they.
It would affect other employees work and have a financial impact.

IME no one bats an eyelid unless the DC's a behavioural nightmare thanks to their SEN.

I do think schools should match-fund excellence provision with SEN provision - some of which could be claimed by the same DC. I don't see why the only challenges met have to be tricky ones, and why very bright kids from WC families get nothing but the ASD DC with MC mom gets support. UK state education isn't very good compared to most other countries, and we need a yank upwards at all levels.