To ask what mainstream parents really think about the kids with special needs.

[Willbob]

I have a child with SEN. He has complex needs; statement at three transferred to ehcp. We had to fight for a mainstream setting. He has full time 1:1. My older childer is very bright and now goes to a selective grammar school for secondary education. I had the "normal" school parent experience with him.

Other parents at school are mainly pleasant, some more so than others like any parent really but completely different to my my experience with my older child. I do wonder though for those who don't understand or know the sen world what you really think about the kids in your child school like my son? I imagine some like it and see the value of having them there, where as some see them as a drain on funding or a distraction. Just curious really. Though this maybe a good place to ask as anonymous.

I moved my child at nursery because the nursery wasn't able to cope with a child with SEN - probably funding related I guess, or mismanagement. No violence, just a child who you could visibly see really needed 1:1 support full time but had a key worker who was also allocated to two other children, including my own and who really shouldn't have been expected to be able to take care of two other children under 2 at the same time.

Unsurprisingly, my 11 month old child struggled with the transition more than expected and I could see (they let you watch from a camera) that she was really just left to fend for herself without any individual attention, even when in her early settling sessions, because the key worker was just too busy.

I just moved her - it wasn't worth being that parent really. At 11 months, you can't really explain to a child that another child needs support more. As a parent of a school age child now, I would want to encourage my child to support another child with SEN and to encourage inclusivity but I don't know anything about the kids in my child's class and wouldn't go out of my way to find out whether they have additional needs, so I don't have any real experience.

My son isn't disruptive, he would be without support but he has that.

My son has (for now, until it's amended at review possibly) a very good package of care with detailed support and specified ehcp which yes we did fight for. This isn't taking anything away from other peoples kids it's just giving my child what he needs. Anyone who saw Panorama last night or has been in the system knows how difficult it is.

How many parents really see the money spent on SEN kids as being taken away from theirs? Would they feel the same if a building was being adapted rather than a 121?

I welcome the presence of all children in mainstream school, where parents consider that to be the best option for their kids. My (NT) child has learnt a lot from studying and playing alongside children who are different from herself, and the experience has helped to develop her empathy, compassion and appreciation of diversity.

However, I do think mainstream schools should receive better funding to support children with SEN, as the situation is very challenging at present and it is difficult for class teachers to give the right level of attention to all children without the appropriate level of support. None of that is the responsibility of individual children or parents, though. It's a political decision.Personally, I would be happy to pay more tax to address this.

What mattered to me was always whether the child with special needs was getting adequate support. My DC were always very good about befriending and supporting where possible, but what worried me was when children were expected to replace adult support. So, I was not happy when my 8 year old became anxious because they were expected to "teach" their friend how to do sums and couldn't find a way to do it so the other child could understand.
My other child was kind and supportive to a classmate with speech and language difficulties. They became good friends and both benefited from the friendship. However, my child was assaulted 3 times by another child who was not receiving adequate support and supervision. So it is a bit of a mixed bag IME.

How many parents really see the money spent on SEN kids as being taken away from theirs? Would they feel the same if a building was being adapted rather than a 121?

Sadly, in some cases, the money spent on SEN kids is money that is being taken away from other kids. The SEN funding that the school receives is not enough to cover the support needs of all of the children, so funds are taken from the main school budget to cover this. (I know this because I am a school governor.) This is far from ideal, but it is certainly not the fault of the individual children and/or their parents. The problem is in the system.

I think most parents if honest would be upset by their child's education being disrupted by any behaviour from another child whether that be pure naughtiness or ADHD/ASD. That is a problem.
The fact a special needs child is in the same classroom is not an issue so long as that child's need(s) is met by the school. If the school cannot adequately meet that need(s) then this is the source of the parent frustration. Unfortunately the child's parents will feel this, and it isn't the fault of the child.

If I’m honest- I only think about my own children. I’m sure most people are like this. I have no problem with SEN students at all, and encourage my kids to be kind and welcoming.

I really think it has to do with behaviors not SEN children. I have a family member (now a teenager) who has autism and we have always been close to him. His parent pulled him from mainstream and did an online school with support. They also moved to a farm so he could be around animals (he loves them so much and they calm him). His mother was sad for a bit that he didn't seem to have friends like his older siblings, but soon she felt he was happier out of school and his outbursts decreased.

My DDs went to schools with pretty good support for children with extra needs. A child with Down's Syndrome has appeared to thrive over the years, as have others with autism and other needs. My DDs at a young age gained understanding and empathy.

However, there were some parents of SEN who were quite aggressive in their demands. One mother had a daughter with autism who needed 1:1. However, the mother would frequently interrupt the classroom and loudly make complaints about how her daughter was or was not interacting (I knew the teacher personally so it wasn't lack of teacher or aid support, it was just a sense of entitlement from the mother). It became so disruptive and parents who had previously supported the little girl started to resent her presence because of the mother.
The children had an annual overnight trip with many parent chaperones including this mother. The big event of the day was a night walk through a swamp to listen to frogs and see fireflies. I'd done it with my older DD and it was a magical tradition. The mother with the girl with autism decided her daughter couldn't go as it would be upsetting to her. Fine. But, as the rest of the groups started getting ready, the mother bullied some of the girls' mums to keep their daughters back as well so her daughter wouldn't feel left out. Some moms fell for it and I just felt so bad for their kids. Didn't do anything for showing empathy, just made the kids resent the little girl. One child was kept back as she didn't have a parent chaperone to advocate for her (autism mom had her in her child group). That child was a refugee who had lost her own mother before escaping to this country. I wish I had known she was being kept back - I would have intervened to give her the experience.

An added difficulty that we faced was wanting DC to attend a Specialist School but authorities (and school) insisting that mainstream was 'absolutely' able to meet Dc's needs.
It was a hellish time. Really. And impacted on my mental health and the rest of the family.
Glad school is finished quite honestly

@AlexaShutUp

How many parents really see the money spent on SEN kids as being taken away from theirs? Would they feel the same if a building was being adapted rather than a 121?

Sadly, in some cases, the money spent on SEN kids is money that is being taken away from other kids. The SEN funding that the school receives is not enough to cover the support needs of all of the children, so funds are taken from the main school budget to cover this. (I know this because I am a school governor.) This is far from ideal, but it is certainly not the fault of the individual children and/or their parents. The problem is in the system.

You'd think having had to close the schools for months would have shown how broken the system is for everybody, and how tragic the lack of funding and overcrowding really is. Sadly, nothing will change any time soon.

And before some Tory hater pops up, it's not as simple as bellowing "don't vote tories". Other parties have been in charge and nothing was done either.

I honestly don't have any views. I drop my kids to school. I leave. I pick them up. I leave.
I speak to the teacher about my kids. I leave.
I don't have any opinions or views outside of what my child is doing or what I need to do for them.

As a parent I think exactly as above.

As a childcare professional I think it's a real shame that some children are in mainstream when it's clearly not working for them, but special needs school places are so hard to get.

My son has SEN the only time I would get annoyed was when he was attacked by a kid who punched him in the stomach and face and all the teacher said was.... he has autism (so does mine but hes not violent! He doesn't like being touched tbh!). I did moan to friends about that boy he would cause such a nuisance everyday he went to a special school thank god.

I comment but mines probably one people moan about 😂 he had 1to1 in reception and year 1 and now at upper school copes fine with just a bit of understanding from the teachers. He had a girl with down syndrome in his primary school who had a 1to1 she was a joy to be around. Didnt disrupt the class as far as I'm aware. Never hit others or trashed stuff like some of the kids.

reading this thread has made me so glad that dd went to a sn school.
the idea of her being used as a teaching tool.......yuck.

Me too @Samcro with my ds .

I often think that it’s the parents wanting their child in mainstream rather than putting them in there as they think it is best for them.

They are often left out (wrongly but it happens) and it’s sad for the children when they would clearly be happier in a school more suited to their needs.

No one wants their children’s education being disrupted, children being hurt etc.

Funding has never crossed my mind.

As long as the child is adequately supported to be in mainstream who cares?

If they aren't or their echp isnt funded properly and it means a teacher is stretched too much to accommodate the child, I might have concerns. But I think that's rare & not really my business unless its impacting my child in any case.

I have one friend who's child has SEN. I find friendship with her hard, as my tendency is to treat her son the same as his peers wherever possible (making adjustments to meet his needs if necessary), but she seems to feel she needs to turn the conversation back to his disabilities no matter what I say. Obviously I'm pitching it wrong, I am trying to be sensitive and inclusive.... to me I feel her kid seems to have more in common with the others than differences but I'm not in her shoes so what do I know.

Eg conversation might be:
SEN mum: DS is starting to really get into football
Me: Haha bet his dads happy to have someone who wants to go to the games! My DS is getting a bit into it to, does my head in, all he talks about.
SEN mum: well it's a bit different really isnt it, I mean obviously my DS disabilities mean he will never he able to play himself.
Me: left confused as to how to respond to this

My children in Primary had a boy with ASD join their year group and he had 1 on 1. He was loved by everyone. The kids all fell over each other to support him. My daughters also had a girl in their year group with severe ADHD. I encouraged the friendship as her mother was quite disabled and I could see they needed friends at the school. My daughters got v upset and stood up for her when other girls were mean teasing her and invited her to their birthday parties every single year. On the other hand one of my children has a boy with various learning disorders in their class at High School who is really disruptive and is very demanding of everyone's attention. Not so keen on him because he disturbs other kids learning so much. So comes down to individuals and particular experiences as with non SEN children I suppose.....

I often think that it’s the parents wanting their child in mainstream rather than putting them in there as they think it is best for them.

Special school places are as rare as rocking horse poo and you have to justify why your child needs to go there so in many cases its mainstream by default.

Depends where you are @Gucanny my LEA have two special primary school,s and two special,high school,s with places increasing ,they also have several autism hubs both primary and secondary

There are several children with SEN in DD's class, it means her class is very small (14) with a full time special assistant, which I do appreciate. My only concern is that two of the boys were in her preschool class and they had behavioural issues there, one hurt DD enough that he had to be taken out of mainstream but she says he is really nice now so I think he must be getting the right level of support now and I hope that remains so.

@Gancanny in my experience a lot of parents don’t even try and hate the thought of anything other than mainstream, if it’s in their child’s best interest or not. Denial perhaps.

I was desperate for a place in an autism specialist school for my child but there wasn't a suitable one for 50 miles. He is incredibly academically able and so none of the ASD units attached to mainstream schools closer to us were suitable.

He's now home educated. I've had to give up work and claim benefits to make this possible.

Goodness, it's so sad to read the experiences of some of the posters on here - parents bitching about your child, or leaving them out, etc. So sorry to hear of what happened to you @BoobsOnTheMoon. It may well be that that happens in my kids' school too, but I hope not - I've only had good experiences of the mix in our school. There are quite a lot of children with SEN in our school, but from what I have experienced, the children and their parents are just as integrated as everyone else. My daughter had a boy with Down's syndrome in her class, who is hilarious and incredibly popular with everyone! She also had a boy in her class who had global developmental delay. He ended up becoming one of my daughter's closest friends. They had extra help in the classroom, plus a section of the school that occasionally provided alternative teaching/care for them, where appropriate. I never got the impression anyone thought they were a hindrance, or annoying. I guess it depends on who you end up in a class with. The mum of the boy with Downs said that it was the best decision they ever made to put him in mainstream education for primary. He's moved to secondary now but still spends time with some of his primary friends.
When I was at primary school, we had a special unit for SEN children, but they all stayed in that unit, so people talked about them as 'from the unit' and, in my memory, there was no integration. This made them just as 'other' as having them all go to a separate school. However, I was a shy little mouse who pretty much never spoke to anyone who wasn't in my tiny circle of friends, so maybe I just missed out on all the integration!
So anyway, proper integration is great.

Sadly we have had some really bad experienced with SEN children in both of my DC class during primary school.
In both cases, the children were violent and it had a profound effect on my DC. But, I have to say, I know about these SEN children because of the violence and because they physically hurt my DC. (Luckily they were eventually excluded from school.)
So who knows, there are most likely other SEN children in DC class, non violent with the right support. I don't know, because I don't need to know, my own DC are safe and happy.