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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

761 replies

doctormumoftwo · 08/09/2020 04:50

I am thinking of leaving my job and I desperately need advice from other people who may have been in my position. I have two children who are 2 and 6. I work as a junior doctor/surgeon and am halfway through my training/exams. My DH is a full time a doctor. I love my job but it is very stressful. We could get by on DH salary alone but it would mean a big change in lifestyle (no holidays etc). I acknowledge I am very lucky to be in this position. I have been part time since I started but I am falling behind on my surgery and I have realised I can't continue part time as I need more surgical experience to gain competency. I also have final exams to take which means many hours of revision. I will be working flat out for the next 5 years minimum (nights, weekends, exams etc). Due to COVID our parents can not longer help regularly. It will be less stressful (but still demanding) as a consultant. DH cannot go part time to help. Despite the long hours we work, we can't afford private school, we live in a small flat with no garden. We will have to put the kids in school/nursery from 0745 - 6pm 5 days a week, or have a nanny for >50hrs for us to both work. My child's school is not great, there is not much community outside the school. My heart breaks for them, especially the 2 year old. I feel like I am sacrificing their childhood for my career. I have worked so hard to get where I am, invested money, time and incredible effort, but it feels like the demands of my job are just not compatible with being a decent mother. I don't know what to do. Our part time nanny recently quit handed in her notice. My child's reading is falling behind and they always ask me to play but I don't have the time to give them. I am thinking of giving up work and being a mum. I feel so guilty to continue leaving them for so many hours. I don't think a part time solution is going to work any longer because of the surgery, as I am falling behind and I spend many of my unpaid days off at work 'catching up'. I enjoy my job but I am incredibly stressed and sad about the toll it is taking on us all- that I know will not end for many more years. What should I do?

OP posts:
Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 09/09/2020 18:25

I'd give up the job and try and go back to it later. Your children are young and will grow up fast then the time will be gone. In situations like this I always imagine if I was in an accident and my life was flashing past me, what would I like to remember, time with my children ! and I wouldn't give a jot about my job.

IntermittentParps · 09/09/2020 18:25

Motherhood isn’t easy and a lot of it isn’t instagrammable

That's quite snitty.

But anyway, imagine saying 'Fatherhood isn’t easy and a lot of it isn’t instagrammable'.
These children have TWO parents.

VK456 · 09/09/2020 18:33

Do what your heart tells you. You can always pick up the threads again in the future.
PS You may not be able to have the same holidays that you have now, but I’m pretty sure you’ll manage something.

Davros · 09/09/2020 18:38

I don't think most people realise what it takes to become a Doctor of any sort. It's amazing. Sorry, can't give any sensible advice

Stinkyjellycat · 09/09/2020 18:40

I have a good friend who was in your position. They now work solely in aesthetics and far fewer hours with much less stress and very good money. They don’t regret it at all.

lakeswimmer · 09/09/2020 18:41

@Angrywife

I'll get shot down in flames for this but you asked for opinions so I'll give you mine. You have kids, you raise them. Children need their parents, not a nanny. Yes there are cases where mum working isn't avoidable and I take my hat off to those that have to work, its not easy. But if you dont have to work, why would you when you have children at home. To the poster that said children need you less as they get older, rubbish. They need you more and more. In your position I would move to a different part of the country where a doctors salary gets you a garden & holidays and give up work to raise the children I birthed (you must live in the grounds of Buckingham Palace if a GP cant afford that already)
Maybe the OP's DH could raise the kids they had and she "birthed"? The OP has invested years of her life in training to do a job which needs skill, intellect and passion and if she can stick it out a bit longer she will complete her training and things should get easier in time for the kids being older as, I agree with you, children often need their parents more as they get older.

One day you, or one of your kids, might need the OP (or another surgeon who's a parent) to save your life. Perhaps we should all be grateful for the doctors who survive the grueling training so they can help us when we need them.

Caelano · 09/09/2020 18:43

You have kids, you raise them.
Children need their parents, not a nanny.

Newsflash: some children have parents and a nanny. It’s not an alternative.

If you believe that a mother’s place is at home, that she should only work out of dire financial necessity and that childcare is ‘wrong’ - then fine, stay at home and don’t work. Be happy that you’ve made the choice you believe is right for women.

Just don’t extrapolate from your choice, that WOHP’s children are somehow less happy, less successful, less emotionally stable. Because they aren’t. And if you need to believe that to feel comfortable with your decision, then that speaks volumes.

As a WOHM I believe wholeheartedly that couples should aim to create balanced lives that each person is happy with. For a few, it might be one partner doing all the earning while the other does all the caring and home stuff. But it shouldn’t surprise us that many couples want a different balance and don’t wish to sacrifice a whole aspect of life. In the case of the OP, she clearly enjoys her profession, she’s worked hard to achieve what she has so far and it’s quite absurd to assume that because she’s the woman, she should automatically sacrifice her career while her husband gets to keep his.

Lisa82sim · 09/09/2020 18:48

Can't your husband do locum work? I know Dr's who earn £1000 a day, work 4 days a week and full time. Adds up to be alot of money, even after tax reduction.

Im a stay at home parent... I had to give my job up, my husband isn't on anything like a regular gps wage but we live in a expensive area and still can go to Disneyland each year, centre parcs and another holiday of his choice.... We live very comfortably so you should maybe review your situation.

bossyrossy · 09/09/2020 18:59

On their deathbed most people want their family and loved ones around them. They do not wish that they had worked longer or harder. The thought of losing them focuses the mind on what is important. You may not become a surgeon but the skills you have learnt will not be wasted, you can channel your talents in other ways when your children are less dependent on you but right now they need you. Their formative years are for you and your partner to mould and if they are in a nursery all day, every day, and are faced with two exhausted parents when they are at home then life isn’t going to be fun for anyone.

tumbleouttabed · 09/09/2020 19:01

I have been in a similar position in the legal profession. Have managed to hang on to some sense of a career through exploring non practising options. So any writing, lecturing, dealing with complaints etc - is there anything like that you could do to retain a connection and the possibility of continuing with surgical training at a later date?

Dozer · 09/09/2020 19:08

OMG bossyrossy.

Dozer · 09/09/2020 19:08

What century?

Jack80 · 09/09/2020 19:10

I would keep my job, look into moving if possible and change schools.

IntermittentParps · 09/09/2020 19:11

if they are in a nursery all day, every day, and are faced with two exhausted parents when they are at home then life isn’t going to be fun for anyone.

That is SO offensive.

Jack80 · 09/09/2020 19:15

I also work in a Breakfast and after school club with parents that have children in nursery and school who are only little and the parents are doctors/gp's. I can imagine it's hard work but couldn't you get a new nanny maybe and a tutor.

G5000 · 09/09/2020 19:16

We only kept children in the nursery during our working hours, I didn't know of this all day every day option.

Dozer · 09/09/2020 19:19

OP has said she had a nanny and plans to seek another.

failingmother · 09/09/2020 19:22

I do empathise and wish I could help. Only you know what is right for you and your family. I have been where you are now but been limited further by being a single mother in a rural area with little child care. Oh the the heart wrenching feeling of failure. I powered on and have a wonderful relationship with my son who is so proud of my achievements and I think inspired by them. We are as close as it is possible to be. Keep going.

Blacksheepcat · 09/09/2020 19:26

All, I can say is I gave up my career to be a SAHM and I have no regrets. I know it’s a privilege to be able to do so although we’re by no means wealthy. I just knew I wanted to be the sort of Mum that took DD to and from school, went to all the assemblies and school trips, swimming lessons, dance classes, helped with homework etc etc. All of this was not possible with my career and since I had to put off having a child for longer than I wanted I basically didn't want to miss a moment!
She’s leaving for Uni this month .... the years fly by and in the blink of an eye she’s all grown up. I’m so glad I savoured every moment of her childhood. On the downside, I may feel at a bit of a loss now, although I have a little ‘very part-time’ job and hobbies.
Opportunities will arise for more ‘Mummy friendly‘ jobs if that is what you want. I understand how hard you’ve worked to get where you are but if you are not feeling happy on a daily basis then maybe let it go.

Dozer · 09/09/2020 19:28

‘Mummy friendly’ jobs Angry

mylifestory · 09/09/2020 19:28

Just to add, our actual doctor has 3 kids and was in the same position as you. They were all under 6/7. At that point she quit as she said it simply didnt work though her surgery days were 2 but she had other admin etc to do obviously. If you continue you can have a full time nanny to look after the kids. i know a doctor couple who do this. I am not sure if you continue in a lesser role until your kids are a bit olfer and postpone the surgeon exams until then? my dad was a surgeon with exmas throughout hiws life so i can sympathise. I am not sure where you live to have small flat tho, knightbridge?? Why did the nanny quit? message me if you want as we are 10 now and have seen it all with families ....

HRoosevelt · 09/09/2020 19:29

www.rcseng.ac.uk/careers-in-surgery/women-in-surgery/

Just to add to those who have said you have to do what feels right for you and your family. Have you seen women in surgery group? (Above) Also careers counseling via RCS ?
If he gets appointed elsewhere you could transfer out of area to somewhere where you could have a better lifestyle/garden etc.
Can you afford to move to get a spare bedroom and have live in help?

mids2019 · 09/09/2020 19:53

Consider academia OP....A couple of medics I was acquainted with did postdoctoral work in MRI providing clinical experience for trials

There will be roles in lecturing I am sure

Palliative medicine as well seems to be a little less intense

whateverforever · 09/09/2020 19:57

@doctormumoftwo- I think it would be a huge mistake to give up your career.

I think some of the posters on here don't understand that you can't just quit for a few years and start up again when the children are older. Medicine simply doesn't work like that as you know. Some others, I suspect, don't have professional jobs at this level and haven't invested the same amount of blood, sweat and tears into their qualifications and working lives not to speak of the financial outlay that you will have made over the years.

I'm a doctor too (not a surgeon) and I know and have worked with many other doctors. It's very unlikely, given my knowledge of my friends and colleagues that life as a SAHP would suit you in the medium/long term. Apart from that, you would lose your income, be throwing away all your training, your pension and all the other potential benefits.

I would definitely look to replace your nanny (I think you said you are trying to do this) and consider whether side stepping into another speciality might work. It's worth taking some time to think about this and seeing a medical career advisor if you can find one. There might be other specialties that work better for you and the family which wouldn't take as much of your time and energy.
Good luck.

Hardbackwriter · 09/09/2020 20:13

@G5000

We only kept children in the nursery during our working hours, I didn't know of this all day every day option.
I know! Here I am, paying a stranger to raise my child, and do you know I just had to do bath, teeth, book and bed myself? And when his sock came off at 2am last night I had to go in, the stranger was nowhere to be seen! It seems like I went for the wrong package, I guess I wanted the 'baby boarding school' one that's so widely discussed on this thread?