AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

[doctormumoftwo]

I am thinking of leaving my job and I desperately need advice from other people who may have been in my position. I have two children who are 2 and 6. I work as a junior doctor/surgeon and am halfway through my training/exams. My DH is a full time a doctor. I love my job but it is very stressful. We could get by on DH salary alone but it would mean a big change in lifestyle (no holidays etc). I acknowledge I am very lucky to be in this position. I have been part time since I started but I am falling behind on my surgery and I have realised I can't continue part time as I need more surgical experience to gain competency. I also have final exams to take which means many hours of revision. I will be working flat out for the next 5 years minimum (nights, weekends, exams etc). Due to COVID our parents can not longer help regularly. It will be less stressful (but still demanding) as a consultant. DH cannot go part time to help. Despite the long hours we work, we can't afford private school, we live in a small flat with no garden. We will have to put the kids in school/nursery from 0745 - 6pm 5 days a week, or have a nanny for >50hrs for us to both work. My child's school is not great, there is not much community outside the school. My heart breaks for them, especially the 2 year old. I feel like I am sacrificing their childhood for my career. I have worked so hard to get where I am, invested money, time and incredible effort, but it feels like the demands of my job are just not compatible with being a decent mother. I don't know what to do. Our part time nanny recently quit handed in her notice. My child's reading is falling behind and they always ask me to play but I don't have the time to give them. I am thinking of giving up work and being a mum. I feel so guilty to continue leaving them for so many hours. I don't think a part time solution is going to work any longer because of the surgery, as I am falling behind and I spend many of my unpaid days off at work 'catching up'. I enjoy my job but I am incredibly stressed and sad about the toll it is taking on us all- that I know will not end for many more years. What should I do?

Obviously this is not a criticism of mums/ dads who have to work

Obviously. Just a criticism of mums who want to work.

‘I couldn’t put them in nursery or leave them with a nanny’.

You COULD have: you didn’t want to do that. Fair enough - up to you and your DH.

Look for other alternatives in the same field as you have to know whether re entering a profession after a career break is easy.

You sound young so you have many years of a successful career ahead of you and would you be happy not using your wealth of skill and knowledge in the future?

I know families where the parents had demanding jobs and relied heavily on childcare in the past and they have brilliant relationships with their parents (plus being successful in their own right)

With 2 parents as medics I would be surprised if the children won't be academically successful in future and I wouldn't worry too much in this regard.

Finalising a career can feel like mourning when you have invested heavily in it.....

I wouldn’t recommend that anyone makes work/life decisions in the belief that there’s a specific formula that guarantees a happy child. My mother was a SAHM for 18 years and I know she feels angry and cheated that I’ve had issues with depression and anxiety since my early teens (“But you’ve got no REASON to be depressed. I was a great mother”).

If you choose to be a SAHM then great. But bear in mind how insecure that is if you separate or divorce, when you've no work history for years and given away your personality and identity to do school runs and groups.

Given away your personality? Was that really necessary? These threads always decent into thinly veiled insults, it's so disheartening. Women bashing women for "choices" foisted upon us by patriarchy.

When I was a SAHM I certainly didn't give away my personality
or my identity. I studied for another masters part time around naps and evenings, the radio was on all day so I kept to to date with current affairs, because I was with the DC all day I had no qualms about leaving them to do hobbies/socialise at the weekends (practically ran out the door ).

It was hard going and I hated having all the day to day responsibility all of the time (DH worked insane hours) but it added another facet to my identity/personality as opposed to destroying it.

I'm so glad OP isn't giving up a career she loves but it wouldn't make her "lesser" if she wanted to. Imagine telling a newly retired person that they now have no personality! Mean, unnecessary and simply untrue.

I’m smiling to myself that irks okay if you have to work but not if you want to.
I mean I like kids a lot - so much that when my 3 grew up I started fostering.
But I also liked making award winning TV shows.
I don’t suppose there’s a world where I could say I HAD to do that...

@annabelindajane it is patently untrue that the U.K. has the unhappiest children in Europe and that this is due to parents working. For anyone interested in real facts then you can find the WHO analysis here www.weforum.org/agenda/2020/09/child-well-being-health-happiness-unicef-report/

The happiest children are (mostly) in countries where they have a Liberal, progressive approach to family life and working such as Scandinavian countries.

Also your comment on mum’s working All your stress feeds to your husband with all that entails Have you come from the 1950’s? FFS

There is absolutely no evidence that UK children are the unhappiest in Europe because their parents work! Many countries which the stats say have happier children have a culture of better gender equality and it’s actually far more usual for mums to work.

Raising happy children is far more important than a career Haven't you heard of balance? My children are so happy and relaxed. Even the one year old, everyone comments on what happy children they are. I also work full time as I love my job as a care home manager and my 5yo sees value in my job. I wouldn't want to be depended on a man.

I went back to work when my children started school and stopped when I realised it wasn’t helping them - it was all about me and this belief we all have to be out there earning ( and paying tax - so governments promote that idea) Why did you stop work and not their other parent? You could have both gone part time?

All your stress feeds to the children and husband with all that entails What about the stress from men to their children and wives? Or are you just here to push misogyny? Because that's what it sounds like and I genuinely feel so sorry for you. As a woman I can't imagine internalising sexism against women.

You can also cook better meals and shop more economically 😂😂😂😂 I manage to do that as well as work, it really isn't difficult!

It never ceased to amaze me what we could manage without Many families need 2 incomes to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.

Obviously this is not a criticism of mums/ dads who have to work but there is def a culture against the SAHM What? You've just spent time criticising women for working. There isn't a "culture against sahms". There is a society against women in general. There is a society which perceives any choice as wrong if it is a choice made by a woman.

*A lot of early years childcare is dull and focused on cleaning up and preparing food.

Erm, no it's fun and watching your child progress through your activities is a huge reward.
If it's as described you'd best use proper childcare, coz you ain't got it, love.*

Thanks love I had three children close together and DH and I juggled part-time work and part-time childcare between us. By the time no 3 came along I must confess I was getting a little bored with the fifth year in a row of making conversation with a pre-schooler. On the days I worked I enjoyed being able to make phone calls and send emails without a toddler interrupting me or the luxury of going to the loo by myself.

Maybe in your view that means "I ain't got it" but my DC are now happy teens, we have lots of fun together and have interesting conversations. It's very easy to focus on the early years but we have (hopefully) life long relationships with our children and it's fine to share out some of the work in raising them to adulthood to other people along the way whether it's a nanny, a nursery, a relative or teachers once they start school. Particularly if your jobs involves healing ill people. It would be a shame if you turned up to hospital for an op only to find there was no surgeon to do it as they were all at home singing "wheels on the bus".

I would stick with the job.

I felt in the same boat when my kids were small. I spent years deliberating - I tortured myself. Everyone advised me to quit my job. I did actually quit a couple of times when it got too much, and regrettably I did have to take time off sick sometimes.

No doubt I will get grief for this, but I stuck with it out of principle, because I could not bear to give in to the "patriarchy". It's not a conspiracy, but I feel we as women will never be equal until we are prepared to stick with it. I feel we have to lead the way somehow, not just for us but for our daughters, and for women all over the world who do t have those opportunities.

In terms of my kids, they were okay. They are now academically successful, independent teenagers.

The only real sacrifices in retrospect were the ones I made in terms of exhaustion and effort, plus missing time with them. Having said that, excess time with them can be too much anyway. But then I just felt lucky when I pictured all the brave women like single mums who work to the bone for less reward.

Now the kids are older, I've ticked all my career boxes. We are comfortably off, we have a lovely house, and I have a decent pension for the future. I am now taking some time off for study and possibly a change of direction.

I've set a good example to my daughters and they never once question my decisions.

Too often, we encourage women to give up. I had so many people telling me to put "life" first over work. But in my view, you never get anywhere without hard work. I like to feel the stretch.

It never ceased to amaze me what we could manage without

Well good for you! It never ceases to amaze me how lucky I am to have reached a stage in my career where working part-time is an option. I'm amazed by how much my children gain from the luxuries that we wouldn't have if I didn't have an income.

I also benefited from luxuries that wouldn't have been possible without two working parents.

I know should shit happen, I could go back full time and keep my family above water. That's a massive benefit to keeping your career going.

I hate managing without things when I don’t need to.
I had a childhood of managing without.
Reader - it was shit.

@lakeswimmer

*A lot of early years childcare is dull and focused on cleaning up and preparing food.

Erm, no it's fun and watching your child progress through your activities is a huge reward.
If it's as described you'd best use proper childcare, coz you ain't got it, love.*

Thanks love I had three children close together and DH and I juggled part-time work and part-time childcare between us. By the time no 3 came along I must confess I was getting a little bored with the fifth year in a row of making conversation with a pre-schooler. On the days I worked I enjoyed being able to make phone calls and send emails without a toddler interrupting me or the luxury of going to the loo by myself.

Maybe in your view that means "I ain't got it" but my DC are now happy teens, we have lots of fun together and have interesting conversations. It's very easy to focus on the early years but we have (hopefully) life long relationships with our children and it's fine to share out some of the work in raising them to adulthood to other people along the way whether it's a nanny, a nursery, a relative or teachers once they start school. Particularly if your jobs involves healing ill people. It would be a shame if you turned up to hospital for an op only to find there was no surgeon to do it as they were all at home singing "wheels on the bus".

Awesome

Is your partner having this dilemma? Is he considering giving up his hard won position to be a stay at home parent? If you sacrifice your hopes and dreams for your children might you resent them in the future? Especially when they are being moody teenagers. Find a good Nanny and set aside a day a week each to focus on your children entirely. They will grow up and leave. If reading this post makes you angry then maybe you have already decided on your heart that you need to stay at home.

@Cloudspotter

I would stick with the job.

I felt in the same boat when my kids were small. I spent years deliberating - I tortured myself. Everyone advised me to quit my job. I did actually quit a couple of times when it got too much, and regrettably I did have to take time off sick sometimes.

No doubt I will get grief for this, but I stuck with it out of principle, because I could not bear to give in to the "patriarchy". It's not a conspiracy, but I feel we as women will never be equal until we are prepared to stick with it. I feel we have to lead the way somehow, not just for us but for our daughters, and for women all over the world who do t have those opportunities.

In terms of my kids, they were okay. They are now academically successful, independent teenagers.

The only real sacrifices in retrospect were the ones I made in terms of exhaustion and effort, plus missing time with them. Having said that, excess time with them can be too much anyway. But then I just felt lucky when I pictured all the brave women like single mums who work to the bone for less reward.

Now the kids are older, I've ticked all my career boxes. We are comfortably off, we have a lovely house, and I have a decent pension for the future. I am now taking some time off for study and possibly a change of direction.

I've set a good example to my daughters and they never once question my decisions.

Too often, we encourage women to give up. I had so many people telling me to put "life" first over work. But in my view, you never get anywhere without hard work. I like to feel the stretch.

This ..

I do hope that you will stick to your plans, a good nanny would see you through the worst few years. So many women whom I know have done that, its touch for heavens sake finish your training. You can always take some time after that with some hope of going back.

It's a very difficult situation and either way, huge compromises.

Speaking from a similar potion (not medicine, law), I can say that giving up my studies when I became a mum is the biggest regret of my life.

Ar the time, it seemed like the best decision but 15 years later, I see it as theost impactful 'mistake' I ever made.

As long as you are a good parent whose actions and emotional support make the children feel loved and safe, not being there physically or to play as often as they need etc, has less impact than people think

If I could go back - I'd definitely not make the same decision.

I'm a single mum who is over qualified for lots of jobs and, on paper, u der qualified for others. By now, I'd be earning double what I do.

This is a crying shame. There should be better support available for well educated people in your position to make family life work without making you choose between career and family. Why the government does not create subsidised nursery places for working mothers is beyond my comprehension!

Think about it this way, what will you do when the kids grow up and your husband still has to work as you are on just one salary? And what role model for your kids will you be to show that women stay at home to change nappies while the husband goes out to make money? Also imagine if at some point (not something anyone wants to think about, but it has to be considered) you are alone, either through divorce or some other reason (who knows, right?) you'll be wishing you had your fully fledged doctoral qualification to fall back on to make money. Please stick it out so you've got your papers. It'll be tough, but worth it for the financial security and your professional fulfilment long term, and you won't feel like you wasted all this time in training so far for nothing. Go girl - you can do it!

Oh, and for the record I will soon face the same choice myself. I plan to work as long as my husband is working, and we will retire earlier together.

I can also anecdotally tell about a colleague who said his family struggled for some years with paying nannies and au pairs all of the money his wife made in her entry level job in marketing, but he says it is now the best thing ever as she makes a good 70k a year and it's under a different tax allowance than his income so makes them really well off and they are considering buying a holiday home abroad, etc.

I am not saying it is not tough work but seems to me it will be worth it if you can stick it out!

Do everything you can to continue with your job. Your children will be fine. You will only end up resenting things later on in life including your husband if you give it up.

I'll get shot down in flames for this but you asked for opinions so I'll give you mine.
You have kids, you raise them.
Children need their parents, not a nanny.
Yes there are cases where mum working isn't avoidable and I take my hat off to those that have to work, its not easy.
But if you dont have to work, why would you when you have children at home.
To the poster that said children need you less as they get older, rubbish. They need you more and more.
In your position I would move to a different part of the country where a doctors salary gets you a garden & holidays and give up work to raise the children I birthed (you must live in the grounds of Buckingham Palace if a GP cant afford that already)

Give up for a couple or three years during which you can study for your Fellowship or Membership and maybe even do a course which many have found invaluable. Then consider going back to work.

You have kids, you raise them.
Children need their parents, not a nanny.

It's fortunate if you're independently wealthy, so parents can not work and raise their children.

Just quoting from the report , poorest countries had happiest children where parents were more part time and also mentioned had more meals together.
As an aside and probably related we also have a child obesity problem.

Am sure doctormumoftwo has answered her own question . I. Think we all applaud you for what you’ve achieved with 2 small children but it made me feel anxious just reading about it . If one partner in a marriage is stressed of course it has a knock on effect to rest of family . Careers can be caught up on although yours is more difficult than most .

At some point your health might suffer , I know someone , single parent in different but hugely demanding profession , studied until 3 am after children put to bed , had home cooked meals , kept house organised, had successfull career for 20 years and now has chronic fatigue syndrome which she’s had for 3 years .

Motherhood isn’t easy and a lot of it isn’t instagrammable😊😊