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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

761 replies

doctormumoftwo · 08/09/2020 04:50

I am thinking of leaving my job and I desperately need advice from other people who may have been in my position. I have two children who are 2 and 6. I work as a junior doctor/surgeon and am halfway through my training/exams. My DH is a full time a doctor. I love my job but it is very stressful. We could get by on DH salary alone but it would mean a big change in lifestyle (no holidays etc). I acknowledge I am very lucky to be in this position. I have been part time since I started but I am falling behind on my surgery and I have realised I can't continue part time as I need more surgical experience to gain competency. I also have final exams to take which means many hours of revision. I will be working flat out for the next 5 years minimum (nights, weekends, exams etc). Due to COVID our parents can not longer help regularly. It will be less stressful (but still demanding) as a consultant. DH cannot go part time to help. Despite the long hours we work, we can't afford private school, we live in a small flat with no garden. We will have to put the kids in school/nursery from 0745 - 6pm 5 days a week, or have a nanny for >50hrs for us to both work. My child's school is not great, there is not much community outside the school. My heart breaks for them, especially the 2 year old. I feel like I am sacrificing their childhood for my career. I have worked so hard to get where I am, invested money, time and incredible effort, but it feels like the demands of my job are just not compatible with being a decent mother. I don't know what to do. Our part time nanny recently quit handed in her notice. My child's reading is falling behind and they always ask me to play but I don't have the time to give them. I am thinking of giving up work and being a mum. I feel so guilty to continue leaving them for so many hours. I don't think a part time solution is going to work any longer because of the surgery, as I am falling behind and I spend many of my unpaid days off at work 'catching up'. I enjoy my job but I am incredibly stressed and sad about the toll it is taking on us all- that I know will not end for many more years. What should I do?

OP posts:
TraderJoe · 09/09/2020 09:20

All those commenting on deathbed regrets PLEASE go and read my post from yesterday. My mum is not on her deathbed, but boy does she have regrets!

JKRisaqueen · 09/09/2020 09:42

I agree with @Trader. Another issue is the resentment many mothers feel when they feel forced to give up a life they loved for the kids. This has happened to me in the last 6 months and I am already acting like a martyr to the cause and my kids are already rolling their eyes. When you give too much everyone becomes resentful. I'm going to give a little less now

b0redb0redb0red · 09/09/2020 09:45

Your poor mum, TraderJoe!

G5000 · 09/09/2020 09:47

One thing that always baffles me about similar threads is that so many people seem to have totally cost-free children and households. People don't mention money as a consideration at all, maybe in a dismissive 'we are not materialistic' way.

Is money really unnecessary? Because my children certainly seem to need some spent on them. Thanks to my income, they can have a nice home and garden in a nice safe area. All the hobbies, courses and tutors they want or need. When we decided local school was not a good fit, we could choose to move to a better catchment or go private. They can go to whichever uni they want, they can have help with their first homes, etc etc. Is that..a bad thing?

Bikingbear · 09/09/2020 09:50

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something, and pick my child up from school every day!

Go part-time by all means but never rely on one single income. Divorce, illness and death happen. I know of least 4 women who've been widowed with school aged (or younger) children.
Widowed parents benefit used to be a thing until the children hit 18, now you only get it for 18 months from the point of death.

Op please don't give up your career and chance to earn decent money.

MaudsMotorbike · 09/09/2020 10:04

Hope you do get to fulfill your potential OP. I accidentally gave up my career to look after my own children, and although I don't regret spending time with them, I regularly wake up in the small hours wondering what the hell I've done now that they're almost in secondary school and I'm facing down 50. I suffered from PND and commuting to do freelance work seemed impossible at the time - looking back, I think I could have found a way if I'd prioritised my own needs more.

A couple of years ago I met an old aquantance at a wedding. She asked what I'd been doing with my "planet sized brain" and when I said "the laundry" she thought I was joking. I wasn't. 4 years on and I'm still doing the bloody laundry. I'm ready to go back to work now, but the job market has shifted dramatically and my skills are out of date. Leaving work to look after children is a trap. Don't fall into it unless you're sure you're happy not to get back out again!

Octopuscrazy · 09/09/2020 10:04

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. I too am a jd. I am in a medical specialty with 2 kids (4 and 1) and I know surgical training is a whole other kettle of fish but what about an oope? Something like a PhD or md until the kids are in school? Might give you a bit of breathing space and you wouldn't be quitting completely.

Best of luck whatever you decide. It's hard being a working mama. Also are you on the Facebook group for ltft trainees? You can get a lot of helpful information and advice on there x

positivelynegative · 09/09/2020 10:16

a little part time job

Ooh, ooh I know what we can do! Stop educating our girls and train them to be submissive housebots. Save a load of time and money. Sorted.

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/09/2020 10:21

I'm late to the party but giving up your career is utter madness. It sets a great example to children to have both parents working and why should you give up everything you have worked for while your husbands career remains fully intact?

This is why I'm never having children, it's almost always the woman who has to make the sacrifices.

buildingbridge · 09/09/2020 10:40

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something, and pick my child up from school every day!

Wow. Don't you love yourself? Do you value yourself? It seems you have low aspirations.

SerenDippitty · 09/09/2020 10:44

Are you planning to go back eventually or be SAHM for the rest of your working life? If the former how easy will it be to keep your skills and knowledge up to date?

ssd · 09/09/2020 10:44

@buildingbridge

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something, and pick my child up from school every day!

Wow. Don't you love yourself? Do you value yourself? It seems you have low aspirations.

When did wanting to look after your own child become a low aspiration?
Lweji · 09/09/2020 10:44

Something like a PhD or md until the kids are in school? Might give you a bit of breathing space
GrinGrinGrin
Says no PhD student ever.

Lweji · 09/09/2020 10:50

When did wanting to look after your own child become a low aspiration?

It is, if it's all you want to do in your day.
Even more so if you're giving up years of training.

Mums with jobs and careers also look after their children, you know? They won't cry for the caregiver or the nanny at night or if they're ill.

theDudesmummy · 09/09/2020 10:59

A little part-time job in a shop????!!!!

That sounds like my grandmother who, when I got into medical school was very upset and said to me "oh no, you will have such a hard life, why don't you become a secretary?" No offence to secretaries, but it's hardly the same thing as a medical career which one has been fighting and working for since (in my case) I was about 12.

lakeswimmer · 09/09/2020 11:02

OP good luck with the decisions ahead. Reflecting on this thread I've got a few thoughts:

The childcare and living arrangements are not yours alone to sort out. Your DH must take responsibility.

Most people have around 45/50 years of work activity. Child rearing (if your kids are fairly close in age) only takes about 20 years of this. You will have a huge amount of time to do positive and fulfilling work when your children are independent but only if you stick with the training.

Children's childhood memories are very patchy and random. They might remember significant events or a particular holiday or a funny incident at school but they won't give much thought to who picks them up from school and gives them tea as long as that care is consistent, reliable and loving. It really doesn't matter if it's provided by you, DH, a nanny or a relative.

A lot of early years childcare is dull and focused on cleaning up and preparing food. By the time your children are older and really need you around to provide friendship advice, exam support, career guidance etc it sounds as if you (and your DH) will have more flexibility in your work and can be more available for them. Your relationship with your children will continue for the rest of your life - don't get sidetracked by focusing on the first 5/10 years; try and see the bigger picture.

IntermittentParps · 09/09/2020 11:02

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something

Anyone else remember in Adrian Mole when he says exactly this to Pandora when he's talking about what will happen when they marry? Grin I think it's 'I told her I wouldn't mind her having a little part time job in a shop or something'.

Of course she tears him a new one over it.

CrotchetyQuaver · 09/09/2020 11:12

I don't think I'd completely give up but rather be looking at a change of direction to something more family friendly since your husband is not willing or able to share parenting with you.

You may not eventually reach the same dizzy heights but perhaps you could head down the General Practice route? You wouldn't then be throwing everything away like if you chucked it all in, but could continue part time and be there for your children too? When they're older and need you less, perhaps you could consider returning to surgery if you still want to? They arent tiny forever but I think once you step off the wheel, it's harder to get back on it.

tornadoalley · 09/09/2020 11:26

If you could choose now and imagine being a full time mum for a number of years, and that is what you'd like, then do it.

Either way you will feel guilty, so what would make you happy enough to push that guilt to one side? Could you move to a cheaper area and to a more rural area so that you can have a house and garden?

Currently it doesn't look sustainable and you can always take up your career later.

Devlesko · 09/09/2020 11:31

A lot of early years childcare is dull and focused on cleaning up and preparing food.

Erm, no it's fun and watching your child progress through your activities is a huge reward.
If it's as described you'd best use proper childcare, coz you ain't got it, love.

tornadoalley · 09/09/2020 11:32

I gave up work for 8 years, but have never been career driven. I returned to work, progressed, enjoyed my job, enjoyed my children, less stressed and am happy with my choices. I have a good work life balance, love my time off and hobbies and love my job.

It's very hard it you are career orientated, but is life really all about career progression? Will you actually enjoy reaching the top of the tree?

JacobReesMogadishu · 09/09/2020 11:33

A dr friend of mine stepped off the training programme at Reg level (I think) for a couple of years when her kids were small and went into a research post. She said it gave her a bit of breathing space with more family friendly hours. She's now a consultant.

Would this be an option?

Floralbean · 09/09/2020 11:34

and you can always take up your career later.

It's not that simple, especially in medicine.

When did wanting to look after your own child become a low aspiration?

It depends how you look at it, when did wanting to give up on years and years of training, exams, working and hard graft to stay home with your children because you feel a misplaced guilt because aspirational.

AlexTheLittleCat · 09/09/2020 11:41

OP I'm so glad you have found a solution. Glad your husband will be doing his part too. Wishing you luck with the rest of your training and your little ones.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/09/2020 12:01

Yes of course it's challenging to combine 2 careers with taking care of home and children. It's shit though that the default position is still that the father can continue unencumbered, and it's up to the mother to find a solution and give up on her personal aspirations.

Even in case of OP - they are both doctors. They have both worked hard to get where they are. They probably have same or similar career perspectives in the long run. But it took this thread before OP even considered that her DH might need to make some adjustments in his career for the benefit of his family as well.