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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

761 replies

doctormumoftwo · 08/09/2020 04:50

I am thinking of leaving my job and I desperately need advice from other people who may have been in my position. I have two children who are 2 and 6. I work as a junior doctor/surgeon and am halfway through my training/exams. My DH is a full time a doctor. I love my job but it is very stressful. We could get by on DH salary alone but it would mean a big change in lifestyle (no holidays etc). I acknowledge I am very lucky to be in this position. I have been part time since I started but I am falling behind on my surgery and I have realised I can't continue part time as I need more surgical experience to gain competency. I also have final exams to take which means many hours of revision. I will be working flat out for the next 5 years minimum (nights, weekends, exams etc). Due to COVID our parents can not longer help regularly. It will be less stressful (but still demanding) as a consultant. DH cannot go part time to help. Despite the long hours we work, we can't afford private school, we live in a small flat with no garden. We will have to put the kids in school/nursery from 0745 - 6pm 5 days a week, or have a nanny for >50hrs for us to both work. My child's school is not great, there is not much community outside the school. My heart breaks for them, especially the 2 year old. I feel like I am sacrificing their childhood for my career. I have worked so hard to get where I am, invested money, time and incredible effort, but it feels like the demands of my job are just not compatible with being a decent mother. I don't know what to do. Our part time nanny recently quit handed in her notice. My child's reading is falling behind and they always ask me to play but I don't have the time to give them. I am thinking of giving up work and being a mum. I feel so guilty to continue leaving them for so many hours. I don't think a part time solution is going to work any longer because of the surgery, as I am falling behind and I spend many of my unpaid days off at work 'catching up'. I enjoy my job but I am incredibly stressed and sad about the toll it is taking on us all- that I know will not end for many more years. What should I do?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 08/09/2020 15:43

a couple of suggestions for a few years time

If you can separate yourselves from the advanced- medicine lure of London , you open yourselves up to living in a far cheaper part of the UK where two PT consultants could afford a house big enough for live-in nanny with her own appartment .

Investigate the attractions of making a career at regional hospitals covering a diverse patient catchment .

KatharinaRosalie · 08/09/2020 16:04

Imagine telling a man on his way to becoming a surgeon that he should quit and get himself a nice little shop job - it simply would NEVER be suggested in a million years!

Yup. Or that he will be missing all the precious moments and they are only small for such a short time.

remembersmellovision · 08/09/2020 16:06

OP it sounds like you've come up with a great plan, finding a balance is so hard, particularly when you love your job (a problem I have luckily never had Wink.

@coffeeandbeans your assessment of some of the people posting on this thread feels a bit harsh. I'll encourage my DD's to try their best and follow their dreams, whatever they may be. I'd be delighted if they study hard and get their dream job, I'll be similarly delighted if they don't have a high flying career, as long as they're happy. I don't feel that is hypocritical. People can only do what's right for them. It's absolutely not wrong to want a career, but it's not wrong not to either, it's an entirely personal decision that will be different for different people.

CactusForever · 08/09/2020 16:11

I'm also so relieved you're not going to quit. Can we help you to relocate to a more suitable place in London? There are still cheaper, centralish areas.

Comtesse · 08/09/2020 16:11

@KatharinaRosalie

Imagine telling a man on his way to becoming a surgeon that he should quit and get himself a nice little shop job - it simply would NEVER be suggested in a million years!

Yup. Or that he will be missing all the precious moments and they are only small for such a short time.

Yes indeed. KOKO Op - everybody wobbles but just keep swimming Flowers
OneKeyAtATime · 08/09/2020 16:18

What would you do if your partner divorced you?
What would you do if he died?

If you can answer these questions and have a plan for both situations then it is fine to give up work.

That s the basic questions. You could then ask yourself how you would feel 10, 20 or30 years down the line if you had given up work,and if you hadn't. It s much more abstract and you may not be able to tell though.

blagaaw99 · 08/09/2020 16:20

I would hire in a lot of help OP. Possibly two nannies and go fulltime to get it done. You can then go part-time, but hopefully things will be easier then. It's an investment

blagaaw99 · 08/09/2020 16:25

And can husband reduce slightly over this period? As others have said fairs fair Flowers

blagaaw99 · 08/09/2020 16:28

Perhaps hire in housekeeping at the weekend too OP. Just read your latest posts, well done, keep going!

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 08/09/2020 16:31

Don’t give up! You’ve got to do something just for you.

Porridgeoat · 08/09/2020 16:35

Are you able to take a break and return part time once your youngest is in reception? Even a year or two might be good?

Porridgeoat · 08/09/2020 16:36

The alternative is to outsource all the work and reading so that you just get to do the nice bits in the evening and weekend

AnotherLanguage · 08/09/2020 16:38

Give it all up for the children. Being a mum is a great and rewarding job. A friend poured all her time into her business for the kids. She is now divorced and the kids scattered between parents and grandparents. You can never get the time back and the early years are so precious.

Floralbean · 08/09/2020 16:40

the early years are so precious.

Is it not as precious when they're older?

Morgan12 · 08/09/2020 16:42

Honestly I would give it up.

You won't be lying on your death bed wishing you had worked more.

misselphaba · 08/09/2020 16:46

Medicine is a vocation for most people. The OP has probably been working for this since before she selected her GCSE options. Shocked that there are people suggesting she give that up!

PamDemic · 08/09/2020 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottalovesummer · 08/09/2020 16:47

It's so so tough for women. I feel for you being so conflicted.

I also gave up a big career (thou not medicine) when my eldest was a year old.

While they were young, I never ever regretted it. I still don't regret that part.

However, they are now teenagers, and as others have said, they do need you far less. I'll never get back to my old career, I do work now but am massively over qualified for what I do.

So although I am glad that I was around for my children when they were young, I do have pangs that my old career is lost.

Shit for us isn't it?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ScatteredMama82 · 08/09/2020 16:48

I'm late to this thread, and glad to see that you have a plan that will allow you to continue in your job. I just wanted to tell you it will get easier. My DH is military, so any consistency for the children has to come from me as he goes away. That has made progression in my own career really hard. I have sacrificed seniority somewhat, mainly because I can't travel at the drop of a hat. I have worked for the same company for 10 years now in a managerial role, and by sticking with them (even when I used to cry on the way to work because I was so tired when DH was away and I was coping with 2 little kids on my own). Now the kids are both in school, I have negotiated a very flexible working arrangement and all the tears and exhaustion were worth it.

PamDemic · 08/09/2020 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 08/09/2020 17:01

I'm not a doctor but my son was in nursery full time from 3 months old. He also stayed at after school club from day one in reception. Don't beat yourself up about it. He's a very confident 14 year old now.

Decentsalnotime · 08/09/2020 17:15

I posted upthread
Saying I had no regrets about giving up

Something has occurred to me. All the comments about the DH Going part time.

I find this unfair. He is willing to commute a long way. The OP says he is very actively involved in family life .

If he thinks the children are ok but is prepared to be flexible and make compromises to support the OP if she thinks otherwise - why should he be forced to go part time because the OP feels guilty?

As long as he’s prepared to support the OP in her decision, then fine, which he is.

But the OP feels guilty. He doesn’t. Millions do like the OP. Millions don’t like him. No right or wrong

Floralbean · 08/09/2020 17:28

@Decentsalnotime but OP loves her job, but is finding the prospect of going full time in order to complete this part of her career challenging. DH might well do his share at home (which of course he should), but is seemingly happier for OP to quit completely rather than discuss how an increase in hours for her and a potential decrease in hours for him would be more manageable for the family unit as a whole; because he doesn't wish his career trajectory to be affected. Do you not see how that's not exactly fair?

G5000 · 08/09/2020 17:28

It would not have been a good idea if why mother would have 'given it all up for children'. She has a vocation, a fulfilling and interesting career. She would have been a bored, unfulfilled and frustrated housewife.

Lweji · 08/09/2020 17:37

I agree that he shouldn't be forced to work part-time, but he's been used to the OP doing just that.
I wonder how it works out if the OP goes full time too. Will he still feel that the children are getting enough from their parents?
They need to find a compromise that makes them both happy enough. And this may include him reducing his hours too.