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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband choosing job over our marriage

141 replies

Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:29

I am thinking about moving out of my home I share with my husband and living alone. I can afford to do this (very fortunate).

Our marriage has been on the downslide for a couple of years for loads of reasons but I'm not completely ready to divorce yet. This would obviously be a separation but does anyone know if these kind of arrangements could help a failing marriage get back on track? I'm not as mad as I sound honestly.

The situation we live in is quite outing so I can't give away too many details, but simply he gets free work accommodation. We live there together but I hate it. I always have. I would really like my own home but his work contract means he has to live where we live.

We talked about it this weekend. I asked if he would come and visit me in my new home approx 20 mins drive. His response was that I knew he had to live where he lives and because of that he might be able to come over occasionally, but not regularly.

Sorry if I'm not making it very clear, I'm quite upset. He's putting his work before his marriage. If he wanted to he could get another job to keep his marriage together.

OP posts:
LonelyFromCorona · 07/09/2020 15:33

Have you got kids?

If you aren't happy with the situation, end it. What's the point of being married if you don't live together or spend time together.

TheHappyHerbivore · 07/09/2020 15:34

Have you suggested he get another job?

I’m inclined to agree with him that if you want to stay married you should really live in the same place, but you can’t indefinitely live somewhere you hate. Would he be up for a career change?

Original poster
Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:37

No we don't have children, but does that mean my feelings aren't as valid? I don't want to give up on my marriage, I married him because I wanted to be with him. Being childfree doesn't invalidate that.

No he's not interested in a career change.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 07/09/2020 15:39

If he already had the job when you met him, and you knew the arrangement re home/work, then he’s right, YABU. Presumably he went into that line of work because it’s important to him and he enjoys it and is good at it. It’s obviously a big part of who he is and his way of life, presumably before you were in it.

I wouldn't want to live in on a farm, so I would never marry a farmer. I wouldn’t marry one and then a few years down the line tell him he had to choose between me and the farm!

TorkTorkBam · 07/09/2020 15:40

Treat it like going back to dating. If you decide you still like each other a lot while living in different places then great, if not you are no worse off. Plenty of marriages exist where one person is away a lot for work. Why not try it?

Rinoachicken · 07/09/2020 15:40

*not suggesting he’s a farmer, just trying to illustrate my point!

Lockheart · 07/09/2020 15:40

Was he living there before you were married? If so, YABU and this is a conversation which should have been had many years ago.

It's a difficult situation to be in for both of you. You're asking him to give up his home and his job (which I am assuming he enjoys), he's asking you to live somewhere you don't like.

thecatneuterer · 07/09/2020 15:41

Equally you could say that you are putting home ownership/moving home above your marriage. You are both prioritising different things, and neither of you is prioritising the marriage. It sounds like time to separate.

easythatsfragile · 07/09/2020 15:42

@Separatingornot

No we don't have children, but does that mean my feelings aren't as valid? I don't want to give up on my marriage, I married him because I wanted to be with him. Being childfree doesn't invalidate that.

No he's not interested in a career change.

No, I don't think the poster was implying that your feelings would be less valid if you had children, just that they were asking because things are more complicated when there are children involved as well.
Covert19 · 07/09/2020 15:43

YANBU to suggest moving out but YABU to make a unilateral decision. Just because you knew about the job/accommodation when you married him doesn’t mean you have to put up with it forever. You are allowed to change your mind about what you’re happy with and, as your husband, he needs to listen to you and take your feelings seriously. Together you need to work out a plan that works for both of you.

Original poster
Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:45

We've been together for many years. Situations and feelings change over time. When we met, we were both much younger and happier to live in a home we didn't own. Now I'd like some stability.

Saying it was a situation when we met so you have to like it forever is a bit unrealistic in real life!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/09/2020 15:45

Nothing's going to change for this guy, is it? He's happy living how he is and he's not bothered that you don't like it. Even you moving out isn't enough to make him stop and think.

I'd move out and then I'd spend six months or so reconsidering my marriage.

JustCallMeGriffin · 07/09/2020 15:46

You are prioritising where you live over your marriage.

Your husband is prioritising his career/job over your marriage.

Neither of you is in the wrong, but being upset that he won't change his career for you based purely on the accommodation requirements is unreasonable (unless a massive drip feed follows where he only started this job after you got married).

Sadly you don't sound compatible, but maybe living apart for a short while will crystalise for one/both of you what is more important and help make a decision that's best for you both.

Original poster
Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:47

Thanks there's some wise comments.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 07/09/2020 15:47

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he gives a toss one way or the other.

He is pretty much ruling out coming to spend time with you. Did he even say he'd miss you?

Rinoachicken · 07/09/2020 15:48

If it’s the security of home ownership that’s important for you (and I can certainly see your point there), are you in a position to be able to buy somewhere that you could then rent out or whatever, but at least you’ve got that security then of knowing you have somewhere to go that is yours if ever you split up, or for both of you to retire to or move to if he ever lost his job?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/09/2020 15:48

So are you buying? They will ask why your DH isn't on application btw.

Original poster
Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:50

Yes, I'm hoping to buy. It's not confirmed yet. They are welcome to ask why he's not on the application, but it's not compulsory to buy with your husband?

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 07/09/2020 15:52

You don't have kids means you can do whatever the heck you like. Not that your feelings aren't valid.

VinylDetective · 07/09/2020 15:52

@SchrodingersImmigrant

So are you buying? They will ask why your DH isn't on application btw.
No, they won’t. Why would they? Women have been allowed to own property since 1882.
LonelyFromCorona · 07/09/2020 15:53

What @easythatsfragile said re: my question.

Sounds like this is tipping point for divorce if neither of you can compromise on living together vs career vs everything else.

Calic0 · 07/09/2020 15:55

My DH and I lived separately for a year a little while back. Had marriage counselling. “Dated”. Ultimately realised that whatever issues we had, we were far happier together than we were apart. So a separation CAN fix things. In this situation though...I mean, the issues are black and white. There’s nothing to work through if he won’t change jobs and you won’t change your view on home ownership.

Counselling might help you both understand the other’s perspective a bit more, so worth considering.

Hope it works out for you.

Rigamorph · 07/09/2020 15:58

Rent somewhere and take a break for 6 months.
Then you will know if he means more to you than bricks and mortar. And he will know whether you are more important to him than work.

BranchAndPoppy · 07/09/2020 15:58

I can see both sides here.

I do think that, (assuming you don't have form for throwing your head up and insisting you do x, y or z, or it's over), you would think that anyone would take their dw seriously if she is willing to move out of the family home without her DH. I cannot believe he said he would come and visit occasionally. Does he give a shit about you at all?

Full disclosure, I am not in the same boat, but some of the feelings are similar. I hate where we live, and we have no real friends or any family nearby. This has meant no support with dcs at all.
We have done it without any support network at all. It's common enough these days, but not how I imagined parenthood at all and it has led to some very low moments for me, being a SAHM as well, so no job to go to either. But we have to live here for DH's job. I would love to move, but he gets a really good salary and benefits which he doesn't want to give up, understandably. I'm retraining so I can find a decent job and then we might be able to move, not away from DH's job, but maybe a nicer place near DH's job.

I have to say that if I had the money and did move out, there is no way DH would say "alright bye then. I might visit you occasionally". And if he did, I think I'd think that was the end of our marriage tbh. Sorry if that's bleak.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/09/2020 15:59

@VinylDetective I was asked because it's odd that it's just one of the couple on the mortgage Hmm Not because I couldn't own. You are financially tied, so obviously they will be interested