Husband choosing job over our marriage

[Separatingornot]

I am thinking about moving out of my home I share with my husband and living alone. I can afford to do this (very fortunate).

Our marriage has been on the downslide for a couple of years for loads of reasons but I'm not completely ready to divorce yet. This would obviously be a separation but does anyone know if these kind of arrangements could help a failing marriage get back on track? I'm not as mad as I sound honestly.

The situation we live in is quite outing so I can't give away too many details, but simply he gets free work accommodation. We live there together but I hate it. I always have. I would really like my own home but his work contract means he has to live where we live.

We talked about it this weekend. I asked if he would come and visit me in my new home approx 20 mins drive. His response was that I knew he had to live where he lives and because of that he might be able to come over occasionally, but not regularly.

Sorry if I'm not making it very clear, I'm quite upset. He's putting his work before his marriage. If he wanted to he could get another job to keep his marriage together.

I don’t think either one of you is being any more unreasonable than the other. Yes, he could change career to keep his marriage together, but also you could deal with not owning your own house to keep your marriage together?

Can you give any details about what’s so bad about the accomodation that’s part of his job?

If the house is tied to his job, what do you realistically expect him to do? Quit his job and change his career for you? Because that's a very, very big thing to ask of someone.

What is it you don't like about where you live now? The location? The property itself? Is there not anything you could do to make the current situation more appealing?

I wonder how it would go if someone posted that their husband was demanding they change jobs or career because he didn't like the home that job was providing - because when it boils down to it, that's what you're doing. And it's a big ask.

Hi OP, I've done counselling a few times with DH. He was anti at first but now loves it :) For us it's like MOTing the car - just taking some time to focus on us and our relationship in the general tumult of life.

I'd try to find a relationship counsellor and give yourselves both some time to talk. Hopefully it'll help you both get clarity. People and priorities naturally change over time and I think the decision on whether to stay or go will be easier if you get some dedicated and mediated talks in first.

On the property side, there's not actually a reason you can't buy and get on the ladder AND stay living with DH. Just get a BTL mortgage which is not much more expensive than residential (at least our recent one through a good whole-of-market broker wasn't). I know that if you hate the digs then it doesn't solve that issue; but at least it means that if you do buy and then want to move back in and make it work you can just find a tenant and keep the property investment.

Best of luck

I am in a similar situation except that DH has been trying to get another job for a year or two, but we are fairly limited in where we would want to move and we do have children who would have to move school. I have contemplated doing what you propose, but the difference is my DH would understand and would definitely visit us as often as he could (which wouldn’t be that often as he works 7 days a week including every morning and 6 evenings a week til 11pm...) I don’t know what the answer is. I do think that if you are so unhappy he should be trying to come up with solutions not with you, not just vetoing what you want.

Is it something like a boarding school headmaster - where he could apply to another school & would that make it ok with you, or do you want him not to live in provides accommodation & buy a house?

Or is it a one off job with accommodation? With no option to do the same job else where?

Is the the specific accommodation you dislike or just not living in a bought house?

Would you feel more stable/settled if you bought a house, but rented it out?

I understand what you're saying about just because it was this way when you met, it doesn't mean it'll always be ok. I get that. But you are accusing him of choosing his job over his marriage, but you're doing much the same thing - you're choosing your house over your marriage - why do you think this
is Only his fault?

[quote SchrodingersImmigrant]@VinylDetective I was asked because it's odd that it's just one of the couple on the mortgage Not because I couldn't own. You are financially tied, so obviously they will be interested[/quote]
Presumably they’ll be told to mind their own business too.

@Separatingornot, if owning a property is the issue, lots of forces families buy a rental property while living in married quarters then either move into it or sell it to buy somewhere else when they leave the job. Could you do that?

If you buy alone, and don't divorce for a few years, can he come after half your house?

If you married a school caretaker* or boarding school teacher, or sheltered housing warden when you were 30 and are now 40 I can see why you are looking for a more secure home while you are in a position to afford it and also perhaps to escape living on the job, the freedom to paint your house, garden as you want etc.

*My gf was a school caretaker and there were all sorts of restrictions attached to living on LA premises, it was back in LCC days.

If you decide to move out rent because if you buy and then divorce half will be his..

If you decide to move out rent because if you buy and then divorce half will be his

It isn't as simple as that. He may have a claim against any house the OP buys but he won't automatically get half.

This sounds like you are living in a boarding school and your husband is a house master. I have been in this situation. They are completely consumed by work. You are also living with a load of teenagers and are at their beck and call. They can knock anytime of night or day. You are both married to the job. For us it was unsustainable. He now works elsewhere and is still consumed by it but at least we don't actually live at work. You have my sympathies.

You are prioritising where you live over your marriage.

Your husband is prioritising his career/job over your marriage.

Yep. Neither of you are as committed as you should be, so find other people who you care more about than a house or job.

'I do a very specific vocational profession. I've done it since before DH and I met and it's a huge part of me. One of the perks is that we get to give in a works house, gratis and for nothing. It's not the accommodation that we would otherwise choose but I'm happy there.

My DH is now saying that I need to give up the job I love and move to a house that he's buying. I've told him no and he has basically said that if I don't come with him he will end the relationship. Otherwise I can come and visit him a few times a week in his new house'.

-would definitely result in cries of red flags, financial abuse, LTB etc. OP, if you've been round here any time at all, you know this to be true.

I'm not saying this would necessarily be fair, but it is food for thought.

I think it depends how much time he is working or 'on call' if it's essentially 24/7 then i don't see how he could be with you. But if it's more of a 5days/week job then you could view your house as a retirement property and weekend home that you stay in all week but he visits?

I'm guessing he's a housemaster or maybe a grounds keeper? In which case i'm not sure he'd be allowed to leave the ground overnight more than maybe once a week? I think that's the key tbh.

You say the marriage has been on a downer for some years anyway and you hate the place you live on top of this.
I would definitely be thinking of buying your own place in your own name anyway as it sounds like you may well divorce at some stage so it would be ideal to have your own home.
I don't see why you should live somewhere you hate.
It could be having your own space will give you that impetus to decide once and for all what you want to do.
Buying a home is always a good investment regardless of the eventual outcome but then you have to consider whether he would be entitled to a chunk of that property if you were to divorce.
It seems that now is the time to make that decision, no point buying your own place and then having to give him a chunk of it if you get divorced.
He won't change his job and there are clearly other problems too - it sounds as if you are flogging a dead horse here. Time to go.

Long ago I was living with someone I loved, but I couldn't stand the town we lived in. He loved me too, but he wanted to stay there. We should have had a long and serious conversation about this, and looked into all our options. But we didn't, I suppose because it felt too difficult.

I took a temporary job somewhere else, always intending to come back. We had a lonely and painful long-distance relationship for years before eventually splitting up. We both regretted this for a very long time.

OP, if you love your partner and want to stay with him, do have a long talk about this before you move.

Maybe try a few months apart and see if you both want to compromise. But don't let that drag on for ages. If you really can't find a solution that works for you both, it's probably time to move on.

I think a trial separation might help you both. You might decide you love him more than you want a different location and he might decide he loves you more than he wants this job.

I think both of you could also do with chatting about the vast array of options available to you. It's not just these two.

Maybe he could get a similar job without tied accommodation (I'm assuming housemaster at a boarding school or tied cottage on a farm or gamekeeping estate).

Maybe you could live in the tied home but jointly sink some income into buying a house to rent out for now, knowing that you have somewhere permanent should your circumstances change, and somewhere to retire to or sell up later on.

He could negotiate with his employer, if that's an option for increased salary but he lives off site.

You could have a different kind of marriage from most people. Live in separate places but come together for weekends and holidays, visiting each other. It's not that different from one person working away from home during the week which is very common and works for many people.

I just think there are lots of options worth considering.

^You are prioritising where you live over your marriage.
Your husband is prioritising his career/job over your marriage.^

I disagree with this. I also disagree with the poster who swapped the sexes and said a woman with live-in accommodation would get different answers.
OP has supported her DH's career for the duration of their marriage. Now, she is asking him to support her. That's how marriages work. There has to be give and take. Otherwise you're not in a relationship, you're a member of staff bound to adhere to the senior partner's demands.
It's also fine to think that a situation that worked at the start of a relationship. doesn't make you happy now. We're allowed to change, develop, grow. Good relationships support us to do so.

I don't want to give up on my marriage

I respect that, but it sounds like he has.

If it's military, I can understand your frustrations OP, they are often unpleasant little boxes.

I would say try it for 6 months, living apart, and things should become much clearer for both of you on how you feel.

You married him knowing what career he had chosen, that it required him to live in the accommodation provided, and that's where you would be living with him.

I fail to see how that is him putting his job before your marriage.

It's more like you putting a house ahead of your marriage and your husband's job.

We live there together but I hate it. I always have.

I think you need to do a bit more reflection of what it is exactly you hate about it. Do you hate the location? The other people around you? The living environment? Or is what you really hate is consumed he is with his job (and neglecting you) and you can't escape because you're on-site? Just being on show to his job and no work/life balance?

@riotlady

I don’t think either one of you is being any more unreasonable than the other. Yes, he could change career to keep his marriage together, but also you could deal with not owning your own house to keep your marriage together?

Can you give any details about what’s so bad about the accomodation that’s part of his job?

These are my thoughts too. What is so bad about free home to live in? You’ve saved money to buy so why not wait until he retires? What about your work?

@thedancingbear that’s unfair. This situation is more like:

“I have a job I love which provides me with free accommodation, however DH has recently spoken about how unhappy he is with our location and how he’d love to move to a different location and buy a house, which would give us some long term stability. I’ve flatly refused to move, and when he asked if I’d at least consider visiting often to spend time with him I’ve said I can’t be bothered, and will see him occasionally”

Looking to the distant future, if the job comes with somewhere to live, what happens on retirement?

Presumably you have to leave to make room for the new incumbent, and unless you have bought a property, then you'd have to then pay full rent for somewhere else to live, at a time when you have just retired and are living on a pension.