Husband choosing job over our marriage

[Separatingornot]

I am thinking about moving out of my home I share with my husband and living alone. I can afford to do this (very fortunate).

Our marriage has been on the downslide for a couple of years for loads of reasons but I'm not completely ready to divorce yet. This would obviously be a separation but does anyone know if these kind of arrangements could help a failing marriage get back on track? I'm not as mad as I sound honestly.

The situation we live in is quite outing so I can't give away too many details, but simply he gets free work accommodation. We live there together but I hate it. I always have. I would really like my own home but his work contract means he has to live where we live.

We talked about it this weekend. I asked if he would come and visit me in my new home approx 20 mins drive. His response was that I knew he had to live where he lives and because of that he might be able to come over occasionally, but not regularly.

Sorry if I'm not making it very clear, I'm quite upset. He's putting his work before his marriage. If he wanted to he could get another job to keep his marriage together.

I'm confused by all the 'buy a house, he can't touch it if you divorce'? Surely not if its been bought with family money?

We talked about it this weekend. I asked if he would come and visit me in my new home approx 20 mins drive.

Why are you not thinking of it as 'our' new home? Even if he can't manage to visit over the week that much due to his work, what about weekends and holidays?

Is it not a home he would use once he retires?

I have the feeling you want to divorce but you aren't actually brave enough to go for it, so you are using this as baby steps. That's all fine, but be honest with him.

And if you do buy a house even with your own money from your own account, it counts as joint assets and will be thrown into the pot when you divorce, before you each get your share.

It might not be relevant if you are well off- for example if you have £250K and buy a house with that, and he has £500K in assets you could end up keeping the house and some of his assets would come to you IF it was a 50-50 split.

However, if he has no assets and you have more, then it's possible you could have to sell the house or find a way of paying him his share.

Have you had any legal advice on where this might go?

@TitianaTitsling

I'm confused by all the 'buy a house, he can't touch it if you divorce'? Surely not if its been bought with family money?

There’s no such thing as “family money” in many marriages, particularly childless ones. In ours, there’s his money and my money - and has been for the last 20 years.

@VinylDetective That may be how you manage your day to day finances, but it's certainly not how it is in law if you divorce. If you jointly own property, it's an asset and will be valued as a joint asset. The default setting for dividing assets is 50-50 but it depends on each person's income/ ability to maintain their standard of living, and whether one gets more ( 60-40) for example.

oh, and your pensions come into the definition of assets too.

@jinglingHellsBells you don't even know which country the OP lives in so you have no idea on the law on distribution of assets.

Do you live in the Tower of London is he a beefeater? Random I know.... YANBU OP.

My husbands work accommodation isn't free but he pays towards it. He's in Scotland I'm in Yorkshire. I've never lived there. He visits when he's allowed home.

@MeridaTheBold Yes you are right there- spot on. I, and many other posters who have made the same point about assets, assume that someone is in the UK unless they say otherwise- which would be really helpful, don't you think? (As this is a UK - owned forum.)

There are differences within the UK though, especially around inheritance.

The OP hasn’t provided much information so it’s difficult to give advice on the financial implications.

I'm going out on a limb here and guessing he works with the armed forces and so needs to live on base. From what I understand leaving this line of work isn't just as simple as just handing in your notice and bobbing off to another job somewhere.

Also and this may sound quite stark but does he really enjoy his job? If so why should he leave it just because you don't like the accommodation you knew about before you got married? That's not fair of you to put him
In that situation and push him out of a job he likes and In to one he may not, just because it suits you better

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@VinylDetective That may be how you manage your day to day finances, but it's certainly not how it is in law if you divorce. If you jointly own property, it's an asset and will be valued as a joint asset. The default setting for dividing assets is 50-50 but it depends on each person's income/ ability to maintain their standard of living, and whether one gets more ( 60-40) for example.[/quote]
I know all that, thank you. My contention is with the term “family money” which in many marriages, including mine, doesn’t exist.

@VinylDetective I didn't use the term 'family money'. Maybe you are possibly overreacting a tad to a phrase someone posted on a forum when they probably meant joint marital assets (which they are in English law.)

I said family money so not sure why jingle is getting the grief! It's a term I've seen here in relation mainly to sahp and how the partner's income from work or any money earned /obtained during the wedding is 'family money'?

But I'm digressing from the Op!

I used to work with a woman who lived locally but her husband worked away all week. She was a nightmare to work with on Friday as she was going to see each other. Some times she'd go to London and sometimes he'd come to her. It worked for them.