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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband choosing job over our marriage

141 replies

Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:29

I am thinking about moving out of my home I share with my husband and living alone. I can afford to do this (very fortunate).

Our marriage has been on the downslide for a couple of years for loads of reasons but I'm not completely ready to divorce yet. This would obviously be a separation but does anyone know if these kind of arrangements could help a failing marriage get back on track? I'm not as mad as I sound honestly.

The situation we live in is quite outing so I can't give away too many details, but simply he gets free work accommodation. We live there together but I hate it. I always have. I would really like my own home but his work contract means he has to live where we live.

We talked about it this weekend. I asked if he would come and visit me in my new home approx 20 mins drive. His response was that I knew he had to live where he lives and because of that he might be able to come over occasionally, but not regularly.

Sorry if I'm not making it very clear, I'm quite upset. He's putting his work before his marriage. If he wanted to he could get another job to keep his marriage together.

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 07/09/2020 17:31

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. He could equally say you’re choosing living elsewhere over your marriage. Why would it be a case of him visiting you? Could you not visit each other, or depending on whether he needs to be near his job at all times would you not visit him?

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for you to buy a house. It gives you security and stability for the future. If he loses his job or when he retires it will mean you have a property so don’t have to panic.

Would you be buying together as a married couple? If you are wanting to buy on your own you will need legal advice as your husband could claim in the event of a split. Would you buy together or can he not afford it given his accommodation forms part of his wage?

Lysianthus · 07/09/2020 17:32

@SchrodingersImmigrant

So are you buying? They will ask why your DH isn't on application btw.
Which country are you in @SchrodingersImmigrant?
Dyrne · 07/09/2020 17:33

@thedancingbear I don’t think we’ll see eye to eye on this one - to me you’re conviniently leaving out the fact that the OP wasn’t actually even asking him to give up the career he loves, just to do a 40min round trip a couple of times a week to go see her. Which he can’t be arsed to do.

PrtScn · 07/09/2020 17:40

If you want to but a house and your husband doesn’t want to live with you and you forsee a breakdown in your marriage, get a divorce before you buy. Otherwise it’ll be half his and you might have to buy him out or sell.

FieldOverFence · 07/09/2020 17:45

I think it really depends on the DHs job ... if it is a "calling" like a vicar that you married him knowing about, and knowing the constaints, I can understand that he may not want to give that up because you don't want to live in provided accomodation

If it's something else, where he can easily change job or do something equivalent while living elsewhere, then maybe he is being unreasonable not to consider it

WeirdlyOdd · 07/09/2020 17:47
  • I don't think there's anything wrong with a married couple living separately, if that's what works for them. If you're an introvert, for example, this might be preferable, especially if you're a vicar's wife or housemaster's wife and have to cope with the congregation/school children coming in and out.
  • If he has free evenings and refuses to travel a short distance to see you, then your relationship is obviously at risk, but if he can't come and see you because he doesn't get many free evenings, that's a different matter, and you'll have decide what you can cope with.
  • More generally the vicarage and housemaster families I know have tended to have a separate house which they own and rent out, so that when they retire or change career, and lose their accommodation there is something ready for them. So again, quite a good idea on its own, though as PP have said, if there is a risk of divorce following this, then think carefully about how you do it.
  • I don't think it's fair to ask him to give up his career, especially if you were aware of this when you got together. If you're really unhappy then you may ask him to make a choice, but I'm not sure there's a good outcome - he loses his career and potentially regrets it and is resentful, or he refuses and you presumably leave him.
workhomesleeprepeat · 07/09/2020 17:51

Op I think if you’re moving out and your marriage hasn’t been great, then he might be assuming this is some kind of long goodbye? I have to say, if my P said he was moving out, but still wanted to continue what was an already failing relationships I would be very confused

SecretOfChange · 07/09/2020 17:52

I was in a somewhat similar situation where my husband didn't want to buy a house because we couldn't afford a house he could imagine living in, whereas I wasn't happy to continue renting past my 40s because my ability to get a mortgage would start going downhill after that due to age. We are divorcing. What helped me gain clarity on my decision is the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

You can buy a house in your sole name but it will be considered a joint asset (not just yours) until you divorce and agree financial arrangements.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/09/2020 17:55

@Lysianthus uk

prh47bridge · 07/09/2020 17:58

Just to say again, whilst it is true that any house the OP buys would be a consideration in a financial settlement, that doesn't automatically mean her husband would be entitled to 50% of it. He might not be entitled to any of it, depending on the circumstances.

unmarkedbythat · 07/09/2020 17:59

I did a mortgage application last year, just my name, and was asked repeatedly about not applying with my husband. I'm in England.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/09/2020 18:00

So he is either

a vicar
a teacher in a boarding school
in the military
a tenant farmer

All of this you took on when you married.

You don't actually sound as if you love him to be honest.

I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by moving out.
UNLESS it's one of those LTA relationships- living together apart - which is fine if he wants that too.

I think your idea sounds like an ultimatum.

You hope he will run after you and leave his job.

Is that possible?

Could he work elsewhere?

Is he tied to this job or is it one he could do somewhere else?

It's worrying you say you aren't ready for divorce.

1 Is this a halfway house to that so you have time away from him to make up your mind?

2 Or is it simply that you prefer to live off site to his work?

These are two very different issues.

VinylDetective · 07/09/2020 18:00

@unmarkedbythat

I did a mortgage application last year, just my name, and was asked repeatedly about not applying with my husband. I'm in England.
Hope you put them firmly back in their box. So rude.
JacobReesMogadishu · 07/09/2020 18:02

I think without knowing what the job is it’s hard to say. For instance if he’s a vicar then he may see it as more than a job? A vocation, part of him, something he can’t give up?

I don’t know it’s hard. You’re certainly within your rights to have these feelings and buy a house. It’s a shame he says he won’t visit more. Does he have a reason for this?

JinglingHellsBells · 07/09/2020 18:03

This would obviously be a separation but does anyone know if these kind of arrangements could help a failing marriage get back on track

I think you need to answer this yourself.

What's stopping you getting it back on track now?

How is moving out going to help?
Are you trying to 'make a point' and shock him into action?

Why has your marriage been on a downward slide for 2 years?
Sex, no common interests, you've met someone else, he's met someone else, you just don't love him any more?

Maybe you need to think a bit more deeply on what's going on with your emotions rather than focusing on living elsewhere.

If you both WANT your marriage to carry on, what are you actively going to do to help it?

JinglingHellsBells · 07/09/2020 18:08

He's putting his work before his marriage.

If he had that job before you married or you accepted it after you married, then you are being unfair.

It looks as if you are trying to bully him /make him choose between his commitment to a career, and you.

Depending on your ages, maybe what you need to talk to him about is earlier retirement, or buying a house off-site (school, vicarage, barracks) and using it together when you can.

At the moment it's a standoff with you issuing an ultimatum.

What are the reasons your marriage isn't working?

You're being very obtuse.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/09/2020 18:10

@unmarkedbythat

I did a mortgage application last year, just my name, and was asked repeatedly about not applying with my husband. I'm in England.
Yeah. I would assume it would be same for the husband? Apparently it's because you are financially tied and the other partner may stake a claim on a property if anything happens. Afaik it also shows on your credit report as an association if you had any finances together like shared account or shared credit.
Jagoda · 07/09/2020 18:16

Is this the farmer who lives and works on part of a large family farm/estate? And the family treats you all like shit?

If so, you have posted about this situation so many times, and I am glad you are finally standing up for yourself.

If not - as you were Flowers

Antibles · 07/09/2020 18:17

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. He could equally say you’re choosing living elsewhere over your marriage.

But the OP has been sacrificing for the sake of his career for years. I hate it when the woman's sacrifice is ignored like this. Such a double standard. She's not being unreasonable asking for her wants/needs to be taken into consideration for a change. He's had it all his way so far. There are two people in a marriage.

His indifference is the other thing OP. You've spent your whole married life so far living somewhere you dislike - for him. I get that. If he can't be arsed to go and visit you a couple of times a week in exchange that's pretty poor, if illuminating.

My ex-h used to say "can't" about a job change at a crunch point of ours and it was only years later that I realise it only meant "won't". Muggins here magically managed to change jobs instead.

Phineyj · 07/09/2020 18:18

Well, I bought an investment property in my own name earlier this year (to let out) and wasn't asked a single question about my husband (other than to confirm we jointly own the property in which we live). Mortgage lenders are mainly concerned about affordability, understandably.

Auckland11 · 07/09/2020 18:20

Why on earth would they ask why your husband wasnt on the application?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/09/2020 18:22

@Phineyj

Well, I bought an investment property in my own name earlier this year (to let out) and wasn't asked a single question about my husband (other than to confirm we jointly own the property in which we live). Mortgage lenders are mainly concerned about affordability, understandably.
I guess there is a difference between investment and live in.
Apple222 · 07/09/2020 18:22

If I were in your situation I would look to compromise by buying a property which I could spend time in while also spending time with my husband in ‘his’ work property. That way your marriage can survive but he still has his job and you have the property you want.

Just because you are married does not mean you have to live together full time. Many, many people live apart for periods of time due to work commitments, sometimes even overseas. I think this is an entirely reasonable arrangement which means you both get something you want.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/09/2020 18:22

But the OP has been sacrificing for the sake of his career for years.

Really? It wasn't a sacrifice when she took him on! And if it's a profession where there is no alternative till retirement, what did she expect to happen?

There are very few jobs where you HAVE to live on the job.
So she ought to have known the options were limited from the start.
IF he has an option to do the same job but live off site that's one thing, but if not...no, she's being unfair.

lakeswimmer · 07/09/2020 18:23

I think it's important to be clear about whether you hate the location/house or whether you want the stability of owning your own place. It may be both but the second one would be dealt with by buying a house and letting it out.

I know a number of people in tied accommodation. With one couple the DH was doing the job when he met his DW. Its a niche job in a very specific location and is very much part of who is is. DW knew when they got together she would never get him to move (nature reserve warden might be an equivalent role) DW was anxious about lack of security and so they've bought a house locally which they let out and they have the option of living there when he retires.

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