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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband choosing job over our marriage

141 replies

Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:29

I am thinking about moving out of my home I share with my husband and living alone. I can afford to do this (very fortunate).

Our marriage has been on the downslide for a couple of years for loads of reasons but I'm not completely ready to divorce yet. This would obviously be a separation but does anyone know if these kind of arrangements could help a failing marriage get back on track? I'm not as mad as I sound honestly.

The situation we live in is quite outing so I can't give away too many details, but simply he gets free work accommodation. We live there together but I hate it. I always have. I would really like my own home but his work contract means he has to live where we live.

We talked about it this weekend. I asked if he would come and visit me in my new home approx 20 mins drive. His response was that I knew he had to live where he lives and because of that he might be able to come over occasionally, but not regularly.

Sorry if I'm not making it very clear, I'm quite upset. He's putting his work before his marriage. If he wanted to he could get another job to keep his marriage together.

OP posts:

TheSoapyFrog · 07/09/2020 18:23

The fact your husband says he wouldn't bother to come and visit you regularly if you moved would be the death knell for the marriage for me. He isn't willing to compromise at all.

Madcats · 07/09/2020 18:28

Maybe OP's DH lives at Windsor Castle/Buckingham Palace (I am sure I once got chatting to somebody who had to live at the Tower of London as a kid for a while).

TeeBee · 07/09/2020 18:29

Sounds a bloody perfect set-up to me. You get lots of free time, get to live where you want and still have your husband visit. It's my idea of Heaven. No man-mess.

Bowerbird5 · 07/09/2020 18:33

I bought a house with one of my sons. I put a decent deposit down 15% and we’ve only got three years left to pay it. We were never questioned about it. He has left there now but DS3 is living there otherwise we would probably sell it as he has bought something better now. It got him on the housing ladder and a nest egg for my retirement😁

I would say if you have found somewhere you would be happier go for it. If he loves you enough he will make the effort if he doesn’t he maybe isn’t worth it. Otherwise I would say rent briefly if he doesn’t make the effort then you can go wherever you want and buy something. If you’re divorced he can’t touch it.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/09/2020 18:34

I would 100% go and be happy, genuinely your life is just too fleeting to waste decades in a place you hate, with a man that doesn't love you to bits. GO and be happy! It is a MN order :)

CatherinedeBourgh · 07/09/2020 18:43

Why would he be the one who had to visit you? Couldn’t you go visit him?

Daisydoesnt · 07/09/2020 18:55

OP sorry I don't quite understand. If he changed employer, would he still have to live on-site for the new job? Or is that just a condition with this particular job?

Do you think you might feel more positively about the situation if and when you actually buy your own place? Even if you don't live in it (or not full time) having your own bolthole might put a different complexion on things.

Can I also ask how long your DH has till he retires? I am guessing some time yet, unless he's older than you (based on the fact that you're talking about a mortgage application so presumably more than 10 years to go???)

sonjadog · 07/09/2020 19:07

To me the most telling thing is that when you are only 20 minutes away, he would still only come and see you "occasionally". 20 minutes is nothing. I drive it every day to work. The man who is married to you won´t make the effort to make that short drive to see his wife. I think that says something pretty big about how uninvested he is in your relationship. If you want to move, then move. But I would see it as a step towards splitting up if I were you.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 07/09/2020 19:18

As an ex relationship-therapist I can say with some certainty that leaving the marital home Is unlikely to improve things. Even if absence makes the heart grow fonder and you eventually move back in together the underlying problems/hurt feelings will still be present and will eventually cause you to split permanently.

If you can’t resolve this through communication, perhaps with a trained counsellor or mediator helping, you are very unlikely to resolve it through living separately. Any move will probably become permanent.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/09/2020 19:25

Youve had loads of input but not come back?

Maybe this would have been better in Relationships?

There is so much that is missing from your post that would make it easier to offer an opinion.

I don't see how it is THAT outing to say what DH does for a job because most of the possibles would apply to so many people.

You see, for you, so much depends on what you took on when you got married.

If this is a vocation your DH has and he cannot do other work at all, then I'd say you should not have married him if you hated the living arrangements from Day 1. OR you should have told him how you felt and given him the chance to change his mind, or change his career eventually.

One could argue that you have not been honest with yourself and with your H and it's only as the years have gone by and other cracks have appeared in your marriage that you want to move out.

Be really honest with yourself and him.

Moving out will not heal your marriage.
It will give you time to adjust to being on your own (assume you have a career of your own or if you divorce 50% of the house value could go to your H.)

You say H won't visit you much. But you don't say why. I have a feeling you know you are being a bit unreasonable because if we knew the whole story, opinions might not be in your favour.

For example if he was a housemaster as Eton, he couldn't just leave school every evening- he'd have house duties and prep to supervise.

You need to give us more details about a) his job and b) what's not working in your marriage as well.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/09/2020 19:26

@sonjadog BUT we have no idea why he can't leave his work- there can be compelling reasons why he can't. I have friends who were teachers in boarding schools /housemasters and there is no way they could walk out of school every evening- it's a 24/7 job.

BigBlondeBimbo · 07/09/2020 19:33

@sonjadog

I also found this the most striking / surprising part of the op. I understand him not wanting to leave a job he loves and I also understand her not wanting to live at his work, but I cannot understand why he would phrase this that way. "I'll visit you occasionally". Don't sound like no sonnet, does it? I mean, even if he really won't have much free time, I wonder why he'd say this. It sounds as if he doesn't care at all. I'm not saying he should neglect his work or anything, but I just think most people who are madly in love and really want to be with someone would never say it so off hand like that. But maybe I'm misreading the tone...

JinglingHellsBells · 07/09/2020 19:50

Why is everyone taking the OP's version of what he said so literally? She may have summarised what he said (about coming over occasionally) whereas the question may have been 'Can you come over ever day?'

OR maybe he's pissed off with her for all sorts of reasons and feels he's been backed into a corner.

Two sides to all relationships.

BigBlondeBimbo · 07/09/2020 19:53

@JinglingHellsBells

OR maybe he's pissed off with her for all sorts of reasons and feels he's been backed into a corner.

Two sides to all relationships.

No, I'm not definitely taking it literally, which is why I wondered if I was misreading the tone. Yes, there are two sides to every relationship, but unless we wheel the OP's dh on here, we probably are only going to be privy to one side. That's the thing with forums!

Prettybluepigeons · 07/09/2020 20:06

What ha9if he loses his job? Retires? Are you then homeless?

MeridaTheBold · 07/09/2020 20:14

If Jagoda is correct and you are the poster whose DH is a tenant farmer and whose family are a nightmare, then please get the house and move. You have given so much to this situation and life is too short. Be brave

Tootletum · 07/09/2020 20:21

I was guessing married to the military but haven't rtft. If it is mttm than I don't think there's a way out unless his commission finishes in the near future. Doing a buy to let would be an idea to have exposure to the market (not that current valuations look sustainable, but I've been thinking that for 20 years). OP just wants something different our of life, fair enough, offski then!

GreatestShowUnicorn · 07/09/2020 20:21

Would a buy to let be an option my auntie whose a minister did this as they lived in a manse but then retired to their home? I also know Two married couple who live separately it works for them, one set has kids.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 07/09/2020 20:23

when I worked for an organisation that had on-site accommodation, a big concern for the exec team was what happened wehn long term employees retired, if they hadn't made alternative provision.
Get another property. If reasonably close by, you can continue living apart, staying over at each others homes when it suits.
Either - you'll grow apart or the relationship will stay strong, and you can possibly move back in together when your partner retires.

LilyLongJohn · 07/09/2020 21:38

No it's not compulsory to buy with your dh, however you might need to tie it up legally because if you get divorced he may be entitled to 50% of any equity.

I used to be married to someone who had accommodations with their jobs, it was fine for a few years but I grew to hate it, it was one of the many reasons we split

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/09/2020 22:42

If your issue is stability for the future but you still are in love with him and enjoy being together, then you still have options. Would he consider you buying somewhere together and renting it out for the time being? At some point presumably he will retire and not have the job so won’t have the tied accommodation?

It all depends on whether you do actually want to be with him or not-is the house thing the straw on the camels back or just a thing if it’s own?

Leeds2 · 07/09/2020 22:54

My DD was at a 6th form boarding school. A lot of the teachers there lived on site. Some seemed to be youngish men recently separated from their partners and looking for somewhere to live. Others used the on site homes the marital home, but still bought somewhere else as their insurance for the future so that they had somewhere to live when they retired. Would your DH agree to buy a house local to where he works, so as to give you both some protection for the future and also as somewhere for you to go if your present accommodation gets a bit on top of you ?

Yeahnahmum · 07/09/2020 23:58

You having no kids doesnt invalidate yiur marriage op. But it does make it 95%easier to leave. You dont wanna check out on your marriage. But your husband has. And your marriagr has been failing for years. So i would say that you are married on paper more then you are in real life.

Time to wake up and choose happiness. He ain't gonna give you that.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/09/2020 08:25

@Separatingornot Are you still reading and are any replies helping?

It would really help if you told a little more.

I don't see how saying what your H does would be outing. IF he has one of the jobs mentioned here, there are millions of men doing those jobs. You don't need to give a location.
I began to wonder if he was high profile like the church or even the Royal family! :)

In real life, if you do move out, everyone will find out anyway.

Have you talked it over already with close friends? Does anyone know what you are thinking over?

The way I see it is there are two issues.

The first is the downward slide of your marriage over 2 years and the second is you don't like living 'on the job' and never have.

Without knowing your ages, it's really hard to help.

If you are in your 50s, retirement for him may be in sight.

As someone who is a former therapist said here, moving out is NOT going to improve your marriage. It's a step towards divorce UNLESS he is happy to have that kind of set up. (But that doesn't address the other issues you say are bubbling away.)

I have a friend/ former colleague who, when he married late in life, kept his residential job in a school where he'd been before he met his wife. They bought a home and he went home at weekends and she stayed at the school occasionally. That worked for them.

For you I think the issue is not so much where you live but if you love your H and can get your marriage back on track.

I think buying is a step too far- move out and rent for a while maybe and see how that feels.

Are you itching to live your own life, do you work, do you want to start dating other men?

So much we don't know as you've given a minimum of info.

Aweebawbee · 08/09/2020 09:00

not quite ready for divorce yet

If my husband was at this point and told me that he wanted to move out, I'm not sure that I would be making much effort to visit either. I wouldn't be happy to support his transition to single life.

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