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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband choosing job over our marriage

141 replies

Separatingornot · 07/09/2020 15:29

I am thinking about moving out of my home I share with my husband and living alone. I can afford to do this (very fortunate).

Our marriage has been on the downslide for a couple of years for loads of reasons but I'm not completely ready to divorce yet. This would obviously be a separation but does anyone know if these kind of arrangements could help a failing marriage get back on track? I'm not as mad as I sound honestly.

The situation we live in is quite outing so I can't give away too many details, but simply he gets free work accommodation. We live there together but I hate it. I always have. I would really like my own home but his work contract means he has to live where we live.

We talked about it this weekend. I asked if he would come and visit me in my new home approx 20 mins drive. His response was that I knew he had to live where he lives and because of that he might be able to come over occasionally, but not regularly.

Sorry if I'm not making it very clear, I'm quite upset. He's putting his work before his marriage. If he wanted to he could get another job to keep his marriage together.

OP posts:

damnthatanxiety · 07/09/2020 16:32

@Rinoachicken

If he already had the job when you met him, and you knew the arrangement re home/work, then he’s right, YABU. Presumably he went into that line of work because it’s important to him and he enjoys it and is good at it. It’s obviously a big part of who he is and his way of life, presumably before you were in it.

I wouldn't want to live in on a farm, so I would never marry a farmer. I wouldn’t marry one and then a few years down the line tell him he had to choose between me and the farm!

Perhaps like most people, the OP had a very limited insight into what it really meant. I know several people who married military partners. They thought they knew what it was about but the reality many was different and after many years it just did not work for them any more. Try turning your statement around. The partner knew the OP would be compromising to live with him and that the reality might kill their relationship. It is a partnership.It is not all on one person to compromise. If I played golf when I met my partner, and then we had kids, would it be fair to say 'well you knew I played golf every weekend so you knew what you were getting yourself into'. Life evolves. If the partnership doesn't then it dies.

justasking111 · 07/09/2020 16:37

I would deffo. buy somewhere and move out you are only 20 mins. away. That is if you like living in that area if you would prefer to live somewhere else then I would not buy.

Your husband seems disengaged anyway so do it for you.

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/09/2020 16:38

Hi op

If you are remaining married and you buy it's an asset
But if you do divorce you may lose your new home

thedancingbear · 07/09/2020 16:46

“I have a job I love which provides me with free accommodation, however DH has recently spoken about how unhappy he is with our location and how he’d love to move to a different location and buy a house, which would give us some long term stability. I’ve flatly refused to move, and when he asked if I’d at least consider visiting often to spend time with him I’ve said I can’t be bothered, and will see him occasionally

@dyrne no that is completely unfair and you are twisting the situation. The OP clearly says that her DH has to live in the accommodation. Her third para says: 'his work contract means he has to live where we live.'

How you can leave out the fact that the OP is asking him to give up a career he loves is beyond me.

MeridaTheBold · 07/09/2020 16:47

OP don't trust legal advice on MN about assets. Speak to a solicitor. Posters tend to assume everyone is in England and advise accordingly but the law concerning matrimonial assets differs by country.

thedancingbear · 07/09/2020 16:47

Also, how forcing him out of his career and profession will give the OP 'long term stability' (your words) is, again, beyond me.

Bromeliads · 07/09/2020 16:48

the OP is asking him to give up a career he loves is beyond me.

Depends what he does though. If, for example, he is a teacher, he could easily continue to teach but in a role which is not required to be residential.

pallasathena · 07/09/2020 16:48

I'd be very careful OP. As others have pointed out, if you buy a house now it automatically becomes a marital asset. He will therefore be entitled to fifty percent of joint assets should you divorce.
I'd rent for six to twelve months and then decide which way to go.

ChicCroissant · 07/09/2020 16:50

Could you rent somewhere for a bit of breathing space rather than buy, OP? Or is it that you want to be able to make the changes you want to the property.

It does sound a bit like a test for him - if you loved me, you'd visit and/or change your job. I'm not sure if it really is the housing issue (and I can absolutely see how that would grate on you after a bit) or if you are really looking for a signal or gesture from him.

MeridaTheBold · 07/09/2020 16:50

How you can leave out the fact that the OP is asking him to give up a career he loves is beyond me
Perhaps because OP hasn't asked him to give up a career he loves. We don't even know what the career. You're assuming it can only be done with that one organisation in that one place - that's quite a lot of assumptions and a lot of posters won't share them.

Chewbecca · 07/09/2020 16:53

I see it more as you are choosing an alternative location to live (which you know your DH can't do) over your marriage more than he is choosing his job over the marriage.

But ultimately, it doesn't matter who IBU, the pair of you need to talk and decide where you go from here. It sounds like you temporarily moving out and seeing how you both feel might be the first step.

thedancingbear · 07/09/2020 16:56

OP, would it be realistic for your DH to do stay in his line of business without living in work accommodation? Or would he need to do something else if the pair of you moved?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/09/2020 16:57

In your position I'd trial a 6m period and rent for it. You may find the move means your marriage breaks up, and then he would have claim on a home you owned.

Ellmau · 07/09/2020 16:59

Army?

ThisIsNotSocialDistancing · 07/09/2020 17:01

If your DH is a clergyman, OP, you have my huge sympathies. I'm a clergy child and grew up living in a succession of church houses. It isn't just a private family home - it becomes a public space, and the expectations that are placed on clergy spouses and families can be intolerable. If this is your situation, it's okay to say 'enough' - I wish my mother had.

JenniferSantoro · 07/09/2020 17:01

It sounds like you’ve moved the goal posts and are now expecting him to change jobs because you’re no longer happy with the situation. hopefully you’ll be able to come to a compromise with each other. From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound sound as though he’s too worried either way about what you do.

nachthexe · 07/09/2020 17:01

If he’s military, loads of blokes bean steal. Depending on where they choose to buy, they can see their families very frequently or twice a year, but that’s by choice, not the big man telling them what to do. If he is military, you are likely on a hiding to nothing throwing demands about though. Divorce is run of the mill when the missus tries to exert influence. Both marriage and the military are ‘greedy institutions’ and in most cases, the military has a bigger appetite. That’s not to say there aren’t also lots of families that make it work - buying a house to keep the kids in one secondary is pretty ordinary, but it’s usually with a couple of years to run and an understanding that you live apart for that period to gain stability for civvie street.
I quite liked some of my quarters. Home is wherever you hang your hat, and all that. I’m totally institutionalised though - I still want to move every three years. Drives dh mad.

ByStarlight · 07/09/2020 17:04

A friend had a similar situation about 15 years ago- her DH was a pub landlord and had to live on the premises, but she found the accommodation a bit run down and don’t want to invest in making it her home as they didn’t own it. The neighborhood was also a bit rough and she didn’t enjoy the working hours and lifestyle that go with a pub trade job, finding it to be very stressful. Their solution was to buy a joint family home in the next town, and she lived there full time, but would stay over with him at the pub one night a week, and he would spend the day with her at their family home on his day/days off. It was agreed that when he retired, he would move permanently into the family home. That did indeed happen and things worked out well for them - but obviously in their situation the husband was on board about buying a separate home as a long term investment/ retirement property.

katy1213 · 07/09/2020 17:05

Are you a vicar's wife? Or military? I can't think of any job with tied accommodation where you don't even get time off to visit somewhere that's only 20 minutes away. It sounds like he's not that bothered about whether you're happy.

Viviennemary · 07/09/2020 17:05

Does he have to live there because of his job? Why don't you rent a place for a while rather than commit to buying. And see how you get on. Especially as house prices are meant to be coming down. Do you both own the house you live in at the moment. I know you don't want to give information that might be outing but it's hard to comment without knowing your position as regards ownership., if it's not owned what will you do when he eventually retires. But whatever the case he does need to listen to you.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/09/2020 17:07

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, if you have already lived somewhere for years that makes you fundamentally unhappy - and he does not seem to care about how this has affected you, then yes you have grounds to think the marriage is not enough for you any longer.

I could not come second to any job - it is after just a job, and he could compromise by agreeing a time limit if he wanted to, a weekend home and other options, but he hasn't and that speaks volumes about the value he places on your marriage and ultimately on you.

I would rent a place for six months close to friends and/or family and see how you get on. I wouldn't buy at this stage. If I found my life was more fulfilling and enjoyable outside the marriage I would file for divorce and then buy a property.

It is not even where you live that is the problem, it is his indifference.

It will ever make or break your marriage, either way you will have the answer and hopefully a new and happier life. You DO deserve to happy op.

Madcats · 07/09/2020 17:14

OP I am guessing that you must be married to somebody who has to work onsite in a profession or calling (be it a ministry or boarding school...hotel manager)..... or certainly not doing a 9-5 job. This is rhetorical - just to explain why you should think of the following:

Is the problem that DH throws himself into his work and socialises within that community but you are stuck at home "Billy No Mates"?

Do you have friends/family/hobbies in the area? Would moving 20 minutes away really make a difference?

Can you simply go on holiday for a week by yourself or so to get a change of scene? If you are stuck somewhere you have decided you don't like, it is hard to have clarity of thought?

FWIW I've been in a relationship with DH since Uni (now in 50's). When we moved in together 6 years later we spent the next 15 years more or less taking it in turns to be working (often living) away from home during the week. It probably prompted us to chat more than we do now. We both enjoyed it (as long as the work and the home were pleasant).

I think lockdown has forced us all to experience and unusual set of circumstances. I breath a sigh of relief if I have the house to myself for an hour! Do have a think about this - make sure you aren't being overly negative about the man you used to love to justify your gut instinct.

The economy isn't healthy at the moment, so I can quite understand why a cautious person would hesitate to resign from their stable job and take on a mortgage or rental.

thegcatsmother · 07/09/2020 17:16

Iirc, military accommodation is not free, or at least we paid rent for our MQ, and my db and our friends still pay for theirs.

FenellaVelour · 07/09/2020 17:20

I’d be very careful OP. As others have pointed out, if you buy a house now it automatically becomes a marital asset. He will therefore be entitled to fifty percent of joint assets should you divorce.

But surely she’s buying it with money which is a marital asset?

VinylDetective · 07/09/2020 17:25

@thegcatsmother

Iirc, military accommodation is not free, or at least we paid rent for our MQ, and my db and our friends still pay for theirs.

It’s not free. My stepson and dil are paying £650 a month for a pretty rough round the edges house.

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