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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP lying - help me figure this out

136 replies

diannetol · 07/09/2020 09:38

Hi all. NC as outing - not posted this topic before so this might be long to not dripfeed.

For background: around 4 months ago, I finally caught DP out lying. I'd been suspicious for ages but made to feel like I was completely wrong. He was using an anonymous online chat room (not one ever listed on here) to speak to people. Whilst you can speak innocently on this I knew what he'd use it for which he admitted, speaking to other women. It's a childish weird website and he gave me his username once caught and login (i'd have never found this out) and I read it all. It was quite boring, a bit like an alter ego. It wasn't emotional and I knew it hadn't become physical so I am still deciding what to do because I was willing to try and see if we could heal - however I was very hurt. I only found out because he was caught with solid evidence, before he just denied anything circumstantial.

Now, I need to tell this story which is a bit TMI but is the only way to explain.
Last night DP said he was horny, I wasn't but it was also whilst we were watching TV and I said I will be later. He then went for a shower and I said 'don't wank' because I thought we could instead have sex. He took a while in the shower so I kind of knew and asked him when he returned very casually but he said he hadn't. I then went to brush my teeth and noticed there was baby oil on the toothpaste. I then just knew - it's the only reason he'd ever touch baby oil. He immediately denied it. Almost laughed AT ME and then even said 'if you want to believe I did then sure I did'.

He eventually admitted he did wank but said he never used baby oil "why would I, in WATER that doesn't even make sense" I explained how it's the opposite actually. It took an argument later for him to actually admit the baby oil usage. It then became a horrible argument, he said he wanked because "he would rather wank than have sex with me" and how he's not attracted to me (because of my personality - he is very physically attracted to me - he didn't say this but he can't deny it as it's always something he remarks on).

We now aren't talking and I don't even know why he feels so morally right in this instance. I'm angry and I'm upset. I don't care that he did what he did, I care that he lied. I cared that after everything, I have to still catch him out and be relentless with my questioning to get the truth. If he had just been honest when asked I'd have actually trusted him more.

So this is where I need your advice, ignoring LTB or whatever, I still have to live in a house with him, we just bought this house and it was very expensive. We would struggle to sell. So how do you handle a man in this situation?

When he lies and is caught out, he laughs almost like a psycho, he then makes the argument not about what he's done but about anything else and all my flaws, he then tries to say things to hurt me. What is the best approach? I used to think that it is to say 'look I don't care, just be honest' but that didn't work! I'm quite numb to him saying anything mean so it doesn't really hurt me.

A long time ago a therapist (with an ex partner) told me that the issue is if you speak to someone like you're a parent, they'll respond like a child. I'm wondering if that's applicable here.

Overall, I don't think what he did was a big deal (last night, not the thing 4 months ago) but it was the lying. Which I've explained to him. He almost deflects it because I'm sure he knows it's wrong. he then says how he only lied to avoid an argument.

OP posts:

Sk1nnyB1tch · 07/09/2020 09:44

RUN!!!
He lied about something so small and unimportant to the point of creating an argument with you where he tries to hurt your feelings.
For what?
You can't live with constantly questioning your partner and Sherlock Holmesing everything in your house and not have your mental health affected..
Whatever you do, bullet proof your contraception.

Covert20 · 07/09/2020 09:45

I think you should break up. This relationship is never going to work. Sounds like he tries to hurt you in arguments, but a really major point here - him wanking in the shower was absolutely none of your business. And relentlessly questioning him on it, is all kinds of wrong.

Cheetahfajita · 07/09/2020 09:46

Urgh why do you know his wanking habits? I'd leave him on that alone

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/09/2020 09:48

Yep you should split up.

I would probably turn nasty if i had the wank police on my back.

that is just all kinds of wrong imo.

Lockheart · 07/09/2020 09:49

You're both as bad as each other from the sounds of it.

This relationship isn't going anywhere.

JalapenoDave · 07/09/2020 09:49

Oh dear, OP, what an utterly shit situation you've found yourself in. I understand you've bought a house and it was expensive but at the end of the day it is just bricks and mortar- that will never be worth more than your happiness and dignity.
If I were you I would separate for a while. Go and live at your parents or a friend's house for a week or two to give yourself some much-needed headspace. I think deep down you know already what the answer is. If he lies about silly little things like this, then what else is he lying about, or is capable of lying about in future situations?
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2020 09:50

Break up with him
He cheated on you

Kolsch · 07/09/2020 09:54

If he lies about the smaller stuff then how can you trust him not to lie about bigger stuff.
Which can lead to some headache and stress further down the line.
He probably laughs out of embarrassment of being caught in a lie, many do.
I would be giving him the elbow.

beautifulxdisasters · 07/09/2020 09:54

You both sound like you'd be better off out of this relationship tbh, it sounds horribly unhealthy. You don't trust him so you've become controlling, and he's now lying more to "get around" your control so you trust him even less!

ChaChaCha2012 · 07/09/2020 09:55

You have no right to tell someone what they can do with their body.

You need to leave, and stay alone until you can sort out your control issues.

Elsewyre · 07/09/2020 09:58

"Last night DP said he was horny, I wasn't but it was also whilst we were watching TV and I said I will be later. He then went for a shower and I said 'don't wank"

canigooutyet · 07/09/2020 09:59

@Shoxfordian

Break up with him He cheated on you

Since when is having a wank cheating?

IfIHadAHeart · 07/09/2020 09:59

I think you’ve behaved horribly tbh. If he’s got any sense he will leave you! Under no circumstances would I accept having a partner who policed my privacy in such a way and questioned me relentlessly until I admitted something that is absolutely none of their business. I say admitted, I half think he said it in the hope you would shut up.

You are way, way out of line and completely unreasonable.

Elsewyre · 07/09/2020 10:01

So is the OP giving her mums net loging details to him today do you think?

canigooutyet · 07/09/2020 10:01

He was horny you wasn't. Rather than pester you for a shag like some partners do, he went and had a wank.
Had you not started questioning him then the argument wouldn't have happened. And tbh, I wouldn't want to shag someone who wanted to control my wanking habits.

Myneighboursnorlax · 07/09/2020 10:03

It doesn’t sound like he’s done much wrong at all. Yes the online chat room is a bit suspicious, but you said yourself it wasn’t emotional or physical, so sounds like literally just escapism. The wanking in the shower is none of your business at all, and to hound him like that is awful. Even once he’d admitted it, why on earth does it matter that he used baby oil? So much so that you wouldn’t drop it until he’d admitted to that part too.

Rigamorph · 07/09/2020 10:03

He was chatting innocently to someone on a chatroom which requires a login and password (ok so what if she was female?) and he has been masturbating?

He said some hurtful things during the argument and doesn't tell you EVERYTHING but TBH it does sound like you are blowing things out of all reasonable proportion.

I wonder what this wound sound like from his point of view.

kangaShade · 07/09/2020 10:04

I do find the wank police thing quite strange. I would never assume I could tell my partner what he can and can't do with his own body. That's his business not mine.

But if my partner said "I'd rather wank than have sex with you" then I'd pack my bags.

rorosemary · 07/09/2020 10:07

I wouldn't like the lying but you sound quite controlling. Would couples tgerapy maybe sort out a more open relationship for you both?

Greysparkles · 07/09/2020 10:08

It's incredibly wierd that your monitoring his wanking habits, then questioning him about it!!

He doesn't need your permission and tbh, yes you are acting like berating parent a bit!

TempestHayes · 07/09/2020 10:09

Jesus. You actually tell your bloke not to wank and then nag him to see if he has, playing Sherlock with the baby oil?

Cringe.

Yes he's said some mean things. Seems like it's over anyway, the chatrooms should have seen to that.

With your next partner, do not ask about his personal habits, what he uses, when he does it and when you will permit him to. The vast majority of people would struggle to find that attractive behaviour.

TheHappyHerbivore · 07/09/2020 10:09

You should break up. That’s all there is to it really.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 07/09/2020 10:10

He then went for a shower and I said 'don't wank' because I thought we could instead have sex. He took a while in the shower so I kind of knew and asked him when he returned very casually but he said he hadn't.

He eventually admitted he did wank..... It then became a horrible argument, he said he wanked because "he would rather wank than have sex with me" and how he's not attracted to me (because of my personality - he is very physically attracted to me - he didn't say this but he can't deny it as it's always something he remarks on).

I don't care that he did what he did, I care that he lied. I cared that after everything, I have to still catch him out and be relentless with my questioning to get the truth.

Holy fuck. DW and I have a very honest and sharing relationship, but no way would I tell her every time I wanked. 'Relentless questioning' on that issue is abusive.

Original poster

diannetol · 07/09/2020 10:12

There has been a huge misconception here.

The website he used can be used innocently, he used it to sext other women. But he didn't care who they were, doesn't remember them etc, that's why I said no physical or emotional connection, it's anonymous.

The wanking thing is more something we've recently discussed. As it takes away from our sex life. It's more of a 'don't wank' WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE not a command.

OP posts:

Original poster

diannetol · 07/09/2020 10:14

Also I don't usually care or discuss his wanking habits at all. It was because he said he was horny just before and I said I will be once the show was finished/after his shower. If he wanks he won't have sex later.

OP posts:

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