Hi all. NC as outing - not posted this topic before so this might be long to not dripfeed.
For background: around 4 months ago, I finally caught DP out lying. I'd been suspicious for ages but made to feel like I was completely wrong. He was using an anonymous online chat room (not one ever listed on here) to speak to people. Whilst you can speak innocently on this I knew what he'd use it for which he admitted, speaking to other women. It's a childish weird website and he gave me his username once caught and login (i'd have never found this out) and I read it all. It was quite boring, a bit like an alter ego. It wasn't emotional and I knew it hadn't become physical so I am still deciding what to do because I was willing to try and see if we could heal - however I was very hurt. I only found out because he was caught with solid evidence, before he just denied anything circumstantial.
Now, I need to tell this story which is a bit TMI but is the only way to explain.
Last night DP said he was horny, I wasn't but it was also whilst we were watching TV and I said I will be later. He then went for a shower and I said 'don't wank' because I thought we could instead have sex. He took a while in the shower so I kind of knew and asked him when he returned very casually but he said he hadn't. I then went to brush my teeth and noticed there was baby oil on the toothpaste. I then just knew - it's the only reason he'd ever touch baby oil. He immediately denied it. Almost laughed AT ME and then even said 'if you want to believe I did then sure I did'.
He eventually admitted he did wank but said he never used baby oil "why would I, in WATER that doesn't even make sense" I explained how it's the opposite actually. It took an argument later for him to actually admit the baby oil usage. It then became a horrible argument, he said he wanked because "he would rather wank than have sex with me" and how he's not attracted to me (because of my personality - he is very physically attracted to me - he didn't say this but he can't deny it as it's always something he remarks on).
We now aren't talking and I don't even know why he feels so morally right in this instance. I'm angry and I'm upset. I don't care that he did what he did, I care that he lied. I cared that after everything, I have to still catch him out and be relentless with my questioning to get the truth. If he had just been honest when asked I'd have actually trusted him more.
So this is where I need your advice, ignoring LTB or whatever, I still have to live in a house with him, we just bought this house and it was very expensive. We would struggle to sell. So how do you handle a man in this situation?
When he lies and is caught out, he laughs almost like a psycho, he then makes the argument not about what he's done but about anything else and all my flaws, he then tries to say things to hurt me. What is the best approach? I used to think that it is to say 'look I don't care, just be honest' but that didn't work! I'm quite numb to him saying anything mean so it doesn't really hurt me.
A long time ago a therapist (with an ex partner) told me that the issue is if you speak to someone like you're a parent, they'll respond like a child. I'm wondering if that's applicable here.
Overall, I don't think what he did was a big deal (last night, not the thing 4 months ago) but it was the lying. Which I've explained to him. He almost deflects it because I'm sure he knows it's wrong. he then says how he only lied to avoid an argument.