DP lying - help me figure this out

[diannetol]

Hi all. NC as outing - not posted this topic before so this might be long to not dripfeed.

For background: around 4 months ago, I finally caught DP out lying. I'd been suspicious for ages but made to feel like I was completely wrong. He was using an anonymous online chat room (not one ever listed on here) to speak to people. Whilst you can speak innocently on this I knew what he'd use it for which he admitted, speaking to other women. It's a childish weird website and he gave me his username once caught and login (i'd have never found this out) and I read it all. It was quite boring, a bit like an alter ego. It wasn't emotional and I knew it hadn't become physical so I am still deciding what to do because I was willing to try and see if we could heal - however I was very hurt. I only found out because he was caught with solid evidence, before he just denied anything circumstantial.

Now, I need to tell this story which is a bit TMI but is the only way to explain.
Last night DP said he was horny, I wasn't but it was also whilst we were watching TV and I said I will be later. He then went for a shower and I said 'don't wank' because I thought we could instead have sex. He took a while in the shower so I kind of knew and asked him when he returned very casually but he said he hadn't. I then went to brush my teeth and noticed there was baby oil on the toothpaste. I then just knew - it's the only reason he'd ever touch baby oil. He immediately denied it. Almost laughed AT ME and then even said 'if you want to believe I did then sure I did'.

He eventually admitted he did wank but said he never used baby oil "why would I, in WATER that doesn't even make sense" I explained how it's the opposite actually. It took an argument later for him to actually admit the baby oil usage. It then became a horrible argument, he said he wanked because "he would rather wank than have sex with me" and how he's not attracted to me (because of my personality - he is very physically attracted to me - he didn't say this but he can't deny it as it's always something he remarks on).

We now aren't talking and I don't even know why he feels so morally right in this instance. I'm angry and I'm upset. I don't care that he did what he did, I care that he lied. I cared that after everything, I have to still catch him out and be relentless with my questioning to get the truth. If he had just been honest when asked I'd have actually trusted him more.

So this is where I need your advice, ignoring LTB or whatever, I still have to live in a house with him, we just bought this house and it was very expensive. We would struggle to sell. So how do you handle a man in this situation?

When he lies and is caught out, he laughs almost like a psycho, he then makes the argument not about what he's done but about anything else and all my flaws, he then tries to say things to hurt me. What is the best approach? I used to think that it is to say 'look I don't care, just be honest' but that didn't work! I'm quite numb to him saying anything mean so it doesn't really hurt me.

A long time ago a therapist (with an ex partner) told me that the issue is if you speak to someone like you're a parent, they'll respond like a child. I'm wondering if that's applicable here.

Overall, I don't think what he did was a big deal (last night, not the thing 4 months ago) but it was the lying. Which I've explained to him. He almost deflects it because I'm sure he knows it's wrong. he then says how he only lied to avoid an argument.

You sound really weird.

The wanking thing is more something we've recently discussed. As it takes away from our sex life. It's more of a 'don't wank' WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE not a command

It kind of was a command tho wasn't it, because you went on and on about it afterwards.
He may well have still be up for sex later on, you don't know that

Doesn't sound like you turn each other on any more.

Depends whether the rest of the relationship is worth saving??

The wanking thing is more something we've recently discussed. As it takes away from our sex life. It's more of a 'don't wank' WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE not a command.

You interogated him about it. That's not playful banter, that's creepy.

I can understand why he didn't want sex if you found a TV program more interesting than him but wanted him ready on command when it was finished.

If you want him not looking for sexual gratification online (and I agree what he did is completely unacceptable) he needs to be confortable with you. There is absolutely no way anyone can be open, honest and trusting when subjected to what you describe.

@Greysparkles

The wanking thing is more something we've recently discussed. As it takes away from our sex life. It's more of a 'don't wank' WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE not a command

It kind of was a command tho wasn't it, because you went on and on about it afterwards.
He may well have still be up for sex later on, you don't know that

So after, he came in I said 'did you wank' winking, but he said no. So I genuinely didn't think anything of it.

It was when I went to get ready for bed that I got covered in baby oil as he'd had it all over the toothpaste tube, it then became a more of 'eww what is this' and then I realised. When he denied it and laughed at me, I suppose I suddenly turned and was upset

I was with a habitual liar for a long time. He would lie about anything and everything because he could never, ever accept being in the wrong or having made a mistake. The trouble is a liar turns you into a detective and an interrogator because it's so infuriating and you want the truth.

I totally agree you shouldn't be questioning him about wanking and it's his business, but I do recognise that situation of "I'm being lied to again, dammit I WILL FIND OUT THE TRUTH". But I also agree with PPs it means it's not a good relationship. You don't trust him and you can never know if he's being honest with you. It's horribly undermining and anxiety-inducing, I doubt he'll change, and it will make you into someone you don't want to be.

I don’t think people are getting the ‘don’t wank’. It’s a ‘you don’t need to wank, I’ll be up for it later’. Which is what he presumably wanted as he’d told her he was horny. Otherwise he’d just go and have a quiet wank. Seems like a practical, normal exchange to me.

@diannetol

There has been a huge misconception here.

The website he used can be used innocently, he used it to sext other women. But he didn't care who they were, doesn't remember them etc, that's why I said no physical or emotional connection, it's anonymous.

The wanking thing is more something we've recently discussed. As it takes away from our sex life. It's more of a 'don't wank' WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE not a command.

Doesn't matter. He can use his cock how he wants to as long as he's not cheating.

He was horny, you weren't and he sorted himself out in the shower. There should have been no further discussion about what he did in the there.

I'm not sure you're understanding me, even with a cheeky wink it's creepy as fuck to ask if your partner has had a wank

I think the therapist has got it in one!

Sounds like you have a history of this sort of behaviour OP. give him a break do you have to know absolutely everything about every aspect of his life? He obviously feels the need to have something in his life that is only "his".
I agree with others you are not suited as things stand, have a good hard honest look at your behaviour.

How long have you been together and how old are you both (just for context)? i would break up with him - it sounds like the trust and respect has gone and the chat forum stuff (was he talking about sex with other woman?) combined this bit for me would mean the end:

he then makes the argument not about what he's done but about anything else and all my flaws, he then tries to say things to hurt me.

Surely if you were willing to buy the house then someone else will come along and pay roughly the same? You probably won't get stamp duty and solicitors fees back though. Are you fixed in to a mortgage period?

In terms of the wank police comments, I got the impression it was moreOP reassuring him "if you save yourself for later I'll be up for sex". I'm assuming that he could have said "look, I don't want to wait till later, I'd rather wank now than sex later" and that would have been OK. Then the lies took over. I may be wrong in that assumption though!

@GreyishDays

I don’t think people are getting the ‘don’t wank’. It’s a ‘you don’t need to wank, I’ll be up for it later’. Which is what he presumably wanted as he’d told her he was horny. Otherwise he’d just go and have a quiet wank. Seems like a practical, normal exchange to me.

I understand the whole "don't wank" thing. He decided he cannot wait, which I can understand, and sorted himself out. The op didn't need to ask him when he came out of the shower if he had wanked. THere are many other ways to find out if your man is horny without questioning.

And who knows, if he's relaxed with regards to his habits, he might be able to get it up a second time later the same day.

@GreyishDays

I don’t think people are getting the ‘don’t wank’. It’s a ‘you don’t need to wank, I’ll be up for it later’. Which is what he presumably wanted as he’d told her he was horny. Otherwise he’d just go and have a quiet wank. Seems like a practical, normal exchange to me.

THANK YOU

@Starlight39

How long have you been together and how old are you both (just for context)? i would break up with him - it sounds like the trust and respect has gone and the chat forum stuff (was he talking about sex with other woman?) combined this bit for me would mean the end:

he then makes the argument not about what he's done but about anything else and all my flaws, he then tries to say things to hurt me.

Surely if you were willing to buy the house then someone else will come along and pay roughly the same? You probably won't get stamp duty and solicitors fees back though. Are you fixed in to a mortgage period?

In terms of the wank police comments, I got the impression it was moreOP reassuring him "if you save yourself for later I'll be up for sex". I'm assuming that he could have said "look, I don't want to wait till later, I'd rather wank now than sex later" and that would have been OK. Then the lies took over. I may be wrong in that assumption though!

You're correct here.

For the house, we completed in lockdown! So it's been a few months. We are in a fixed mortgage and neither could afford the hit. After fees etc we'd be lucky to break even. Neither can afford this.

He also won't sell right now because he moves to the city to be with me and his job is here and he knows no one locally. My parents can't have me move in as they're actually meant to move to ours as their house is being knocked down and rebuilt.

In terms of the wank police comments, I got the impression it was moreOP reassuring him "if you save yourself for later I'll be up for sex". I'm assuming that he could have said "look, I don't want to wait till later, I'd rather wank now than sex later" and that would have been OK. Then the lies took over. I may be wrong in that assumption though!

Why should he have said any of that?
What if the op said no you have to wait until later?

@HazelBite

I think the therapist has got it in one!

Sounds like you have a history of this sort of behaviour OP. give him a break do you have to know absolutely everything about every aspect of his life? He obviously feels the need to have something in his life that is only "his".
I agree with others you are not suited as things stand, have a good hard honest look at your behaviour.

The thing the therapist told me was when I ended up in the same cycle of being lied to. This partner had cheated with a woman we worked with and who I spoke to all day. They both began manipulating me and it was very odd, he then began physically abusing me. The therapist was helping me leave.

Anyway between you and your parents you can buy him out?

@canigooutyet

In terms of the wank police comments, I got the impression it was moreOP reassuring him "if you save yourself for later I'll be up for sex". I'm assuming that he could have said "look, I don't want to wait till later, I'd rather wank now than sex later" and that would have been OK. Then the lies took over. I may be wrong in that assumption though!

Why should he have said any of that?
What if the op said no you have to wait until later?

I wouldn't have cared. I would have probably made a comment about being left high and dry.

He thinks talking about it is a turn on, hence why we say it openly.

I think you have trust issues. He maybe is responsible for that because of his previous lying, but I feel quite sorry for him because of the part about the shower. If I were him, I think I'd feel really embarrassed and violated. It's no wonder you had an argument.

@canigooutyet

Anyway between you and your parents you can buy him out?

No my parents have a small amount of money theyre using the make their house disabled friendly as my dad is terminally ill. They have no other money.

a really major point here - him wanking in the shower was absolutely none of your business. And relentlessly questioning him on it, is all kinds of wrong

Totally agree with this. Yes, he shouldn't lie - but his lies have been about inconsequential things. You, on the other hand, expect to be able to control his masturbation.

Erm, am I the only one who doesn't understand the link between the toothpaste and baby oil? 🤔

@GreyishDays

I don’t think people are getting the ‘don’t wank’. It’s a ‘you don’t need to wank, I’ll be up for it later’. Which is what he presumably wanted as he’d told her he was horny. Otherwise he’d just go and have a quiet wank. Seems like a practical, normal exchange to me.

This doesnt change anything. He had the right to choose whether to wank regardless of whether the OP wanted sex later or not. His body, his choice. And she had no right to quiz him on it.

@Elsewyre

So is the OP giving her mums net loging details to him today do you think?

Precisely!

@GreyishDays

I don’t think people are getting the ‘don’t wank’. It’s a ‘you don’t need to wank, I’ll be up for it later’. Which is what he presumably wanted as he’d told her he was horny. Otherwise he’d just go and have a quiet wank. Seems like a practical, normal exchange to me.

^^that!!

@diannetol

Look , once things get to this stage, it's over. Truly, it's over & done. You can't trust him & he says nasty things to you.

Yes, selling a house you've just bought us going to be difficult/annoying/painful as us splitting up with someone you thought you had a future with, but it's better to face the reality, that there isn't going to be a happy future with him and the sooner you sort this mess out, the sooner you can move on with your life. That's the bottom line.

I know you said not LTB, but there's no way of 'dealing with a man like this' unless you're prepared to settle for a miserable future.

So it's your choice I guess!